“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of being the co-washer-upper and feeder…”
The article describes “middle-aged” men to be in the 45-54 range, but based on my own personal experience, I would raise the upper end to 62.
The angst to which the article refers began for me in my mid to late 40’s when I first came to the realization that I was no longer a young man of endless promise, but rather, a fully assembled commodity.
Has my professional life been well spent? Should I have taken another path? If so, why didn’t I? Does my current line of work have more juice in the tank, or am I running on fumes? Who am I?
We start adding up our attributes, our accomplishments – whatever we think belongs in the plus column – then subtract our perceived liabilities, and come up with a number we hope we can live with.
If not, we tend to do one of three things:
1] Taunt the hand of fate with alcohol and crack.
2] Buy things we can’t afford.
3] Pretend to be someone we’re not.
I don’t believe any of these require further explanation, particularly the last one.
The unfortunate truth about contemporary life is that the timeline to produce wealth is relatively short.
In that time we are expected to amass a nest-egg capable of producing income without our having to punch a time clock or cash a paycheck.
That’s a lot of pressure.
So let’s say you’re 50 and just lost your 300k/year job. Now what?
If you don’t have income-producing savings, you go through what savings you do have in a heartbeat.
Then your wife leaves you. Your “friends” disappear. You’re alone. Really alone. Too alone without the coping skills necessary to move past the obstacles.
You’re officially in crisis.
It’s too late to change things. You’re merely surplus in a hungry world. You perform no function and, are thus, forced from the herd.
Making matters worse, men are not particularly flexible, and don’t bond well with other men, which makes for a far more difficult passage through this period in life.
The article suggests that men reject the old masculine code that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt,” and I wholeheartedly agree.
Without the ability to bond through the rough times, middle-aged men are damned to a life of painful reflection.
it is only through emotional connectedness that we can begin to discover meaning, hope and resurrection from the outdated models that set the bar for men so high – and room for deviation so narrow – that most simply can not handle the journey.
In my life I have known quite a few men who took their own lives after a divorce or the loss of substantial capital. There was nothing left to turn to. They had done it all and lost it all in a flash.
This is how older men tend to see themselves: Reflections of their accomplishments.
When the fruits of their accomplishments are gone, they go with them.
Unfortunately, friends and loved ones don’t fall in the “accomplishments” category as many men subconsciously assume that the people in their lives value them solely in dollar bills.