I wake up this morning and head to the kitchen where the television is tuned to the news.

This is generally not a good thing as I prefer cartoons in the morning.

This notwithstanding, I’m in a good mood because today is my birthday and, for whatever reason, I’m not depressed about it.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that if I see one more pocket catheter ad I’m going to hurl!

Now they make them in “designer” colors and deliver them in discrete packaging that resembles a sex toy.

Then there’s this little kid, disabled and begging for money, the violins whining in the background.

It’s like a one-two punch and I haven’t had coffee.

The kid runs the numbers and says that for a contribution of just $30 a month, you can his ass.

“That’s just $1 a day to save me and kids like me, or just 50 cents a day if you spread it out over the course of 2 months. And for a one-time contribution, it’s almost nothing at all.”

But I’m still not budging because I hate the fact that advertising agencies use kids as weapons for cash.

Then there are the cancer patients, all with stories of triumph to share after visiting this hospital or that.

And did I mention wounded vets in wheelchairs, brain damaged, trying to live with dignity in the face of colossal odds?

Rounding things out are the personal injury attorneys asking you whether or not you’ve recently died as a result of taking this or that drug as you may be entitled to compensation.

Call 1-800-BAD-DRUG or some such shit.

It’s brutal.

I’m a Baby Boomer.

They got that part right.

But I don’t use pocket catheters – or catheters at all.

I’m not disabled.

I give to the charities of my choosing with or without the ads.

I also have a attorneys for a wide range of issues, should anything come up.

So I have no idea who the hell these ads are targeting.

And that guy from “24” who keeps telling me to buy gold is an embarrassment.

It is very clear to me that these ads are focused in on the infirm, the elderly, and the flat out dead who apparently still watch television.

So where are the ads of interest to me and my peers?

They keep talking Baby Boomer this, Baby Boomer that and I’m still out of the loop.

It’s like my entire generation is invisible to Madison Avenue.

With this in mind, here’s what I want to hear about because, unlike the others, it’s relevant [and therefore not an embarrassment] to me and my peers:

1] Luxury hotel properties.

2] Automobiles most of us drive [i.e., not Buick].

3] Home automation systems [Think security from a cellphone].

4] Inter-Generational dating sites [i.e., Duh]

5] Private-only healthcare providers [Why wait in line?]

6] 5-star home service providers, including all of them [i.e., where’s the best plumber when you need one?]

7] Spa and wellness centers [i.e., places to relax, rejuvenate, and restore].

8] Disease prevention and nutrition [not ads with people in wheelchairs dying from one thing or another].

10] Anything that doesn’t involve retirement, which most of us consider “death in slow motion,” [UrbanDystrophy, the book].

And finally, #11:

11] Whether it’s AARP – or the CDC – please dear God, hire Baby Boomers in advertising who actually get it.

Thank you.