I’m cracking myself up this morning.
No seriously.
For all you unemployed millennial’s out there, hope’s on the horizon.
You don’t have to earn a PhD. – or even a GED.
But you will need other assets worth bartering.
I should be charging a consultation fee for this, but you caught me on a good day.
The Most Common Gold-Digger Backstory
Teenage daughter works as a part-time waitress. She lives in a trailer with her biological mother and unemployed stepfather, whose on disability over an alleged lumberyard mishap.
In the mother’s mind…
“The disability payments ain’t worth shit money-wise, but that daughter of mine has an ass…if she only knew how to use it right. I ain’t talkin’ flat-out hookin,’ but maybe goin’ in to the big city and learnin’ how to talk right for god’s sake. Get rid of that gum chewin,’ act like she belongs, ya know…find out where the money’s at…”
This is the template from which most gold-diggers are hatched and bred. It’s as old as the hills, the situation I mean…and how to get out of it.
But there’s a lot more to it than what you read, so I’ll help fill in the blanks.
While finding a “daddy” sounds like a cakewalk to many of you who think that youth and beauty are enough to seal the deal, think again. Cultural evolution is no different than biological evolution, except that it’s a thousand times faster. So while the gold-digger of old was easy to pull from a police line-up, today’s incarnation is virtually unrecognizable even under polygraph analysis and near lethal doses of sodium pentothal.
With this as a backdrop, here are 25 clues from my own personal experience tells me you’re someone I don’t want to know.
1] Gum chewing.
2] Ending sentences with prepositions. While sometimes it’s okay to end sentences with prepositions, you best know when it’s okay. Otherwise, stick to the rules.
Incorrect usage: Where is he at?
Correct usage: Where is he?
.3] Improperly conjugating verbs
Incorrect usage: “She run off.”
Correct usage: “She ran off.”
4] Mispronouncing words that reasonably educated women learn by the time they’re 6.
Example #1: Never say expresso. The correct word is Espresso.
Example#2: It’s also not Excetera. It’s et cetera.
5] Me vs I
Incorrect usage: Jim and me are going to the beach.
Correct usage: Jim and I are going to the beach.
6] Gone vs Went
Incorrect usage: I should’ve went somewhere!
Correct usage: I went to the store. I should have gone to the open market instead.
7] Could of vs Could have
Incorrect usage: I wonder if I could of majored in English.
Correct usage: I wonder if I could have majored in English.
8] Cheap handbag. Only acceptable if you just picked up something interesting at a vintage shop.
9] Don’t overuse foundation. It makes you look like you’re hiding something. Ask any stripper.
10] Know the difference between sexy and sleazy. It’s part self-confidence, part self-actualization, and part breeding.
11] Bad posture is a clear and present sign of a mother who doesn’t know better.
12] If you’ve never heard of Shakespeare, you’re toast…even if your target is an engineer who only reads blueprints.
13] Money is not the determinant of class. Class is the determinant of class. Then money is the determinant of class.
14] If you can’t walk in heels, learn at home.
15] If you’ve never attended college and you’re not a famous entertainer or entrepreneur, lie.
16] Never trip out at the sight of an expensive home or car. It’s just a home and a car.
17] Never ask a man you don’t know for money or he will have sex with you without paying for it.
18] Hit on anyone other than your date and it will be your last.
19] One online profile is enough. More than one with entirely different information is identity theft.
20] Have interests outside of going out. Some people enjoy reading books, for example.
21] Using country vernacular is fine as long as people know you know the difference between ignorance and the Queen’s English.
22] Never name-drop unless your own name is worth dropping.
23] Your cell phone is simply a cellphone, not a codependent relationship.
24] Repeat after me: “I have a good relationship with my father.”
25] When referring to family members, never say “grampah and grammah.” Instead, say “grandfather and grandmother.” This also applies to mother and father, whom can be also be referred to as simply “mom and dad.”
I could go on…