Post Category → aging

The “Old Man” and the Motorcycle

Memorial-Day3-580x464Nothing quite says midlife crisis like the Harley Davidson Motorcycle, right?

Another day, another stereotype.

I’m accused of being in the midst of one for many reasons, not least of which being that I have a young girlfriend.

1] It’s all about money.

2] He’s intimidated by women his own age.

3] He’s a narcissist who can stomach his own reflection.

yada yada …

It never ends.

Not to bury the lead, I don’t own a motorcycle – but I find it interesting on many levels.

For one thing, I like it’s group nature. It’s an activity – and for many, lifestyle – that people of all socioeconomic backgrounds can share.

And it’s also damn manly in the traditional sense most men think of it. Think Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.

I think of it as an antidote to the PC virus.

I’m also drawn to the sense of adventure, hanging out with a bunch of guys who, after decades of work, family and Little league, are finally able to bond once again over beer and broads.

It’s an adult rite of passage where the holy “hog” unlocks the key to death with dignity for all, the penultimate send-off into oblivion, finger in the wind at the Devil’s Crossroads.

Come on, tell me you’re not intrigued.

One last shot at youthful defiance.

Don’t tell me you don’t watch those old Zeppelin videos on YouTube in the dead of night.

A 2010 market study by J. D. Power & Associates discovered that the average motorcyclist in the United States is a man who is about 50 years old, and Forbes Magazine confirms that the “sweet spot” for motorcycle buyers is the mid 40s to the early 50s. The problem is especially acute for Harley Davidson, as the 109 year-old company has a customer base that is almost as old as it is. It may just be an urban legend that Harley handlebars are now designed to comfortably support a beer belly during a ride, but it makes sense, given the fact that most older men [not to mention younger men] are out of shape.

Nonetheless, “Google” searches turn up ad after ad of sexily clad young women and handsome, fit young men to fuel the fantasies of middle-aged guys. Motorcycle manufacturers lure older buyers with a promise of a return to their youth and vitality: Male bystanders watch with a mixture of respect and envy, as the women of the town are smitten by the eye candy rolling into town. The riders wink at the ladies and act like the masters of all that they beheld, since they could now afford the luxury of motoring slowly through town.

Yea, and everything else in the universe is also reduced to a cultural stereotype.

My point in all of this is, WHO CARES?

If a guy wants to ride a motorcycle after spending his life chasing the dollar let him have his 2nd Summer.

I agree that Harley’ are loud and obnoxious. So is my stereo system.

Getting older is a drag, folks. We’re gonna act out.

This is because there’s not a damn thing we can do about universal absolutes, so we will absolutely, positively garnish the journey to make the ride smoother.

I might add that many guys ride for charities, raising lots of money for good causes. Others just for the hell of it. So what?

These guys are tough enough to deflect your punchlines, ageist stereotypes, and general ridicule.

Time Magazine in June of 2014, wrote “It’s bike night at the Harley-Davidson Museum near downtown Milwaukee . . . bike night in Milwaukee sure looks like Old White Guy’s Night.”

Green with envy.

~~~

Life is supposed to have a beginning, a middle and an end. The same ones, usually.

But for many, myself included, the story arcs are backwards.

‘Dad Bod’ Coming to a Store Near You!

30C0BA1000000578-3425007-image-m-39_1454237321408Mattel’s new ‘Dad Bod’ doll…

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3425007/Where-s-Dad-Bod-Ken-Twitter-calls-plastic-doll-beer-belly-Mattel-s-curvy-new-Barbie-unveiled.html

One of the many sacrifices we health-oriented older men make is the enjoyment of eating bad things that taste good. 

To us, food is fuel. Nothing more.

I know. Depressing, right?

Not really.

See, the payoff is not looking [and feeling] like a Mattel ‘Dad Bod’ doll.

For those of you who don’t already know, ‘Dad Bod’ is the physical representation of what the typical middle-aged man looks like.

Of course, I don’t know any of these people personally because I live in a big city.

Here, pot bellies constitute Class-A misdemeanors, punishable by hard time at a “wellness” center that specializes in testosterone implants, orals and injectables, coupled with psychiatric counseling for clinical depression.

However, in smaller places where appearance and good health are secondary to gluttony and death in slow motion, being too fit after a certain age is a Class-A felony.

 

Steroid Use Among Boomers Goes Airborne [Apparently]

warmingup2

Me at 60, sans steroids… [aka., testosterone, anabolic steroids, Human Growth Hormone, et al…]

I’m a sort of freak where fitness is concerned.

I train with guys half my age are usually dead, metaphorically speaking.

But this does require a bit more qualification: No one who is “all natural” can keep up with me.

In gym parlance, “all natural” means that the individual in question does not take pharmaceutical grade testosterone and/or anabolic steroids.

Men my age who do take Testosterone and/or anabolic steroids have an edge over me in both recovery and endurance.

Their recovery is twice as fast and their raw strength is well above 30% of what it would be without the needles, and I use that percentage conservatively.

With this as a snapshot of human life in the fast lane, understand that the pressure capitulate to what’s become the status quo is tougher than ever before.

Why the popularity of drug use?

1] We’re older, and thus, have less time to enjoy the time we have left.

2] We have the funds necessary to afford the drugs.

3] We’re vain.

4] We’re easily addicted. The concept of life outside the gym is about as ridiculous as trying to convince a junkie that lemon juice and water is a healthier alternative to heroin and vodka.

So everyone’s a “lifer.”

Is there hope?

No.

My generation will continue to buy and promote drug use because it’s faster and easier than spending 5 hours in the gym – and still walking away with a distended midsection.

It all gets down to what’s quick, easy and purchasable under the law.

I get it.

But like everything else in life that makes – and to some extent – delivers on great promises, there is a darker side.

But what the hell … live for the moment, die the next…it’s all good.

Fading away just isn’t an option.

In my case, I have to work harder, take more time to recover, eat perfectly...and most importantly, have a full life outside the gym.

I realize my priorities are warped, particularly the last one.

The Cure for Existential Angst, Guaranteed.

Three years ago my trainer stitched this together this little as a reminder to me that aging doesn’t always follow a predictable path, that it is possible to slow it all down — including the fading relevance older men often feel when they can no longer throw a baseball without looking like an ex-president during one of those ceremonial first pitches.

Life only wins when you fade, not when you die. j.r.

Can You Spot a 21st Century Gold Digger? I Doubt It.

gold3-copyCouple of nice girls just looking for love…

MillennialMen1

A few buds out for a game and shot at a vacation on someone else’s dime…

It cuts both ways.

“In the long history of humankind (and animal kind, too) those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.”
― Charles Darwin

Here are two articles you might find interesting:

http://nypost.com/2014/04/16/can-you-spot-gold-digger/

http://www.forbes.com/sites/larissafaw/2015/07/28/watch-out-ladies-millennial-men-are-gold-diggers/#5b768b19646a

Gold-digging [aka prostitution] has been around for the entire length and breath of human history.

The problem today, however, is that motive is no longer obvious. In fact, it’s evolved in stealth to what many consider an art form…where PhD level courses will soon be necessary to decode the tell-tale subtleties and innuendo.

~~~

POINTS OF INTEREST on GOLD-DIGGING [in general]

1] Gold diggers are such a problem in NYC, one woman has set up an agency that proclaims it will weed them out.

2] Cautious men need to know that women they’re interested in have jobs with sizable incomes [six figures is expected], be independent and live alone.

3] Successful women seek out equally successful men because, like men, they expect a “perfect 10” for their efforts. 

4] “Millennial males are less likely than males of the Gen X and Boomer generations to equate romance with happiness,” says Denise Delahorne, SVP Group Strategy Director, DDB US.

5] “Overall, they [Millennial males] are a group of people who believe they are better than other people, and their own happiness and well being takes precedence over the needs of others.”

6] “Millennials overall, and Millennial men in particular, are more likely to think their own happiness is more important than the happiness of others Millennials overall, and Millennial men in particular, are also more likely to think that they deserve to be famous and hope to be famous one day.”

7] “I think we can’t lose sight of the fact that this is a generation that grew up at a time when attitudes about marriage and divorce really changed.” 

8] “...we certainly can’t ignore the fact that they [Millennial men] feel that they can always get out of the marriage if they want to — and this is certainly something that we see frequently in popular culture.”

9] Millennial men are also more likely to want to have a prenuptial agreement than males of other generations (32% vs. 25% of Gen X males and 17% of Boomer males) perhaps because they are more likely to be viewing marriage as a financial/contractual arrangement as much as a romantic partnership.

10] There are five million members on SeekingArrangement. Overall, the site has 3.8 million Sugar Babies, and 12% are male: 460,000. Moreover, this is an 84% jump in male Sugar Baby membership from the start of 2014.

ACCORDING TO THE POST ARTICLE, HERE ARE 5 WAYS TO SPOT A GOLD-DIGGER

Matchmaker Janis Spindel asks ladies looking to date her high-end male clients to pen a 2,500-word bio and fill out an extensive questionnaire. Here are her five rules for spotting a gold digger:

1. A woman who is obsessed with dating a successful man — and knowing what his salary is.

2. A lack of a job is a telltale sign a woman is looking for someone to support her. “Women must have [jobs],” says Spindel. “It gives them a sense of confidence, allows them to support themselves and keeps them busy during the day.”

3. She complains about Spindel’s fee of $1,000 for a one-on-one meeting.

4. A woman who makes unreasonable demands: “If they tell me they must date a man with a plane, I say ‘Sayonara.’”

5. A lady who asks the wrong questions: “When they ask me how many homes my client has, they’re inquiring for the wrong reasons.”

COMMENTS

These points are all far too obvious, as most successful gold-diggers could pass a polygraph with flying colors.

FINAL COMMENTS

How did we get here?

Millennials say feminism is the root of the problem.

They tell me…

1] Women are waiting longer before marriage and children…so they’re no settling down.

2] They also have strong career motives, which they also expect of their mates.

3] They feel entitled to the same sexual freedom as men, which yields a new world man with a vagina.

So what’s the incentive for young women to date young men?

Nothing, really.

Unless, of course, it’s just sex, in which case they need an online alias if they want to protect their reputations and high-end jobs from blackmail and other forms of extortion.

~~~

In closing, here are some passages from my new book, Urban Dystrophy, currently selling like hotcakes on Amazon.

A FEW KEY FACTS TO MALE BABY-BOOMERS OF A CERTAIN SOCIOECONOMIC DEMOGRAPHIC

When you’re twenty-five, women who seriously date you do so for your looks, personality, education, and ability to earn (or somehow, inherit).

When you’re fifty, women who resemble the ones you dated at twenty-five (because they are twenty-five) do so for the perceived security you are able to provide them—both financial and emotional—coupled with a predisposition towards generosity.

Gold diggers flourish in big cities where there are few predators and an abundant food source. Please do not confuse the metaphor.

Watch out for three vulnerabilities they look to target—frustration, boredom, and privilege—the same ingredients necessary to transform a corporate executive with a Harvard MBA into a blackmail statistic.

It doesn’t matter how many boards you sit on, how many ex-wives you have, or how much your children love you. When everything falls apart, including your children, gold-diggers only care about your financial condition.

Remember that women interested in the likes of you operate in survival mode. While it has been postulated that some possess feelings that border on empathy—particularly towards their young, and in some instances, their spouses—survival still hinges on instinct.

You may live in a large urban area because you enjoy the culture, shopping experience, and fine dining, but you’re also a line item on someone else’s balance sheet.

Every man like you with a penchant for youth and beauty will inevitably meet a woman anxious to exploit him.

Men never grow up. If they did, gold-diggers would go extinct.

In case you’re wondering, the same rules apply to women when approaching a male member of this group. It’s a gender-neutral career path.

In exchange for a certain lifestyle, gold-diggers are prepared to barter whatever they have in exchange for whatever they don’t. While this may sound cold and calculating in the context of “love,” some of the country’s most celebrated philanthropists were once strippers, showgirls, and Pilates instructors. (No offense to Pilates instructors.)

Psychopathology of the Pot Belly

beer-belly-holding-beers

Allow me preface this discussion with the following: I do not personally know anyone my age who looks like the individual in the above photograph.

~~~

Yesterday I was standing in the meats section of a grocery store when I noticed a man in his mid-50’s sporting what is commonly referred to as a “pot belly.”

In the upper thresholds of obesity, it most closely resembles that of a pregnant woman at full term, which is 39 weeks to 40 weeks and 6 days.

Like women in such a condition, the protuberance is surprisingly hard, and as round as a basketball at 4 times regulation size, but similar pressure.

As I stood there waiting for him to finish ordering his 22 pounds of heavily marbled red bloody meat, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if the butcher hacked it all off in one fell swoop.

Would the man thank him?

See, if it weren’t for the Volvo-sized anomaly situated at his midsection, the balance of his anatomy would appear completely normal.

This is why people think these things.

Kids do it all the time with Legos, so stop judging.

Without formal medical analysis, I feel comfortable speculating that he and men like him suffer type-2 diabetes, impotence, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and depression, the later of which having paved the way for the aforementioned 4.

~~~

With this in mind, some people eat when they’re depressed.

Why they do this is beyond me.

When I was depressed I would run, swim, bike, and lift weights – sometimes all day – and often, night – until the demons went back to bed.

Not only was this a successful ritual, but I came out of it looking and feeling better.

Of course, this has been my ritual for the better part of my life, including all of it.

So what the hell happened to the guy next to me?

Medical Realities

After age 40, the natural reduction in testosterone means excess calories are often stored as visceral fat. We also naturally lose muscle mass as we age, the key word here being ‘naturally,’ because if you do nothing we will lose everything. This also applies to money, if this helps.

If we exercise, however, we can pretty much check that one off the list.

Unfortunately, most men don’t exercise regularly, so they lose muscle mass, and their metabolisms stop burning at a solid rate. When you lose muscle — about 1 pound per year after age 30 — your metabolism declines, and it becomes easier to gain fat, which often goes straight to the belly in men.

The Psychopathology

With these facts in mind, if a man were largely [no puns] inactive his entire life, and at age 40 his testosterone levels started to slip, he’d get hit like a bag of bricks.

Not only would he have no lean muscle mass to keep pace with the hormonal attrition, but the necessary adjustments to his lifestyle would be as tough as substituting heroin for treadmills in the mind of a junkie.

I do know a couple of large men who are big enough overall to pull it off without completely embarrassing themselves.

One of them, in particular, was a collegiate athlete with a commanding presence.

He, like Chris Christie, is an achiever with an otherwise full life.

This is rare. But in spite of their relatively healthy self-esteems, health still takes a hit. A big one.

I once heard a Bariatric surgeon say that fat is genetic, and therefore, men who are obese can’t help themselves without lap-band surgery.

At this writing he is anorexic after beating his own fat addiction.

I assume genetic includes psychiatric predispositions.

Solutions

1] Contrary to popular opinion, the first order of business is to seek guidance from a psychiatrist.

2] The second order of business is to find a good Internist who will run complete blood analysis followed by a stress EKG and heart scan.

3] Third order of business is to go back to the psychiatrist and give him or her the results. You will start from a low baseline from which you will rebuild what has been lost since childhood.

4] Your spouse will not understand any of this and in many cases pay a hit man to kill you if any of this starts to work and you rethink your living will [and marriage]. Understand that part of your therapy will involve your life choices, including your choice in mates. It’s all tied together.

5] Once you get a handle [no puns] on who you are – and as a result, what happened along the way – you will realize that while your genetics played a role in all of it, your mental health sealed the deal.

Dennis Quaid at 61

0105-dennis-quaid-ripped-hawaii-akmgsi-4http://www.tmz.com/2016/01/05/dennis-quaid-abs-photo/

Dennis Quaid is 6’0″, #175 at what looks to be well below 10% body fat.

By comparison, I’m 6’1″, #230 at 13% body fat, which places me in the top 1% of my age group.

Most people consider this extraordinarily fit.

But I’m not shredded like a slab of turkey jerky, and herein lies the rub.

See, in order to put on – and hold – lean muscle mass at less then 10% body fat [at age 61!], you’ll need help of the preternatural kind.

To wit, Quaid has more lean, angular mass on his shoulders and arms than any man his age can normally produce without “help.”

I’m not accusing him of steroid use because I don’t know him. Maybe he’s a genetic freak. I’ve seen a few in my day.

For everyone else, pulling off tons of lean mass with low body fat is impossible without tinkering with testosterone levels.

What? You think we’re immortal?

Since when do men our age look like Quaid?

Some of you may consider him too lean, too small…kind of ragged, wasted even.

But for men who want this look, it can be acquired at “wellness” clinics and individual physicians operating throughout the United States.

REALITY

1] If you want to perform at levels similar to what you achieved at age 30, you will need a lot more than hard work coupled with a hope and a prayer. 

2] I’m not judging, just exposing the truth.

3] You have to decide if the consequences of steroid use are worth the risks.

4] Denial is the mother of delusion.

5] I don’t care how Dennis Quaid chooses to live his life. His job is to entertain, not inspire.

Just trying to keep it real around here.

Coming to Terms With Aging […without visiting the “Devil’s Crossroads”]

hi-res-108017587_crop_northJohn Patrick McEnroe, Jr., 56

We all reach a point where we realize we are no longer in our physical prime.

We blame everyone – and everything – but ourselves.

Many of us live in denial until we start tripping over our delusions, one after the next, until we come to terms kicking and screaming.

John McEnroe comes to mind.

For him, life has always been a nightmare, which apparently hasn’t abated much to this very day.

Both talented and tempestuous, he bludgeoned his way to 17 Grand Slam titles before falling victim to the very angst that made him a champion, back when youth forgave most transgressions.

This is not where you want to be at middle age.

I’ve been an athlete – active in sports and weight training – for the vast majority of my life, and I’ve had my fair share of injuries. Most of them I’ve forgotten, some won’t let me.

Nonetheless, I still go to the gym and bust my ass: multiple dead-lifts, wall balls, crunches to failure – you get the picture – but my body doesn’t heal the way it used to.

My joints ache, my muscles are tighter, and there always some nagging injury.

It’s at these times that the thought starts to creep in my mind, “It’s not that I can’t do this, but should I?”

The simple answer is, I don’t know. No one does. 

My doctor runs every test in the book and declares I’m fit to be tied, but I know that he knows it’s mixed blessings.

I’m technically healthy enough to do what I do, but I also know the recovery time will be two or three times what it was back in my 20’s – and rest will not be a casual decision, but a necessity.

There are times I leave the gym thinking I’m too exhausted even to drive home, and I’m sure the I am not alone.

We all pay a heavy price to keep up with where we were, which is our first mistake because we are no longer where we were.

60 is not 20 no matter how you spin the narrative. 

This is where coming to terms with myself, my ego, and my competitive nature has been the hardest thing I’ve ever faced.

Thankfully, the school of hard knocks has finally pounded into me that as I age my self worth should not and, for the sake of sanity, cannot be tied to physical performance.

I simply cannot allow physical performance to trump inner strength.

I am only human and my youth was a fleeting stretch of life some 25 years ago, a lifetime for many pro athletes.

My advice to all of you in my age demographic [Baby Boomers] is to stay as active as your body will allow, explore new hobbies [if you don’t already have 10 or 15 like me], live a balanced life, and enjoy yourself.

While my absolute performance in certain physical endeavors may have declined with advancing years, the enjoyment of my journey, however different, is something that will never fade.

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

1] Beliefs about aging are sometimes more powerful than the physical changes themselves.

2] Ignore people who say things like “Why are you doing that? You’re going to hurt yourself!” It’s just projection, so, like I said, ignore it.

3] Psychological skills are a bigger part of your training than anything else.  

4] Skills develop through practice, which is why people half your age can’t do many of the things you’ve been doing for years, so there’s an upside. 

5] Your own performance in a given sport is relative to your age. The rest you make up in attitude. 

6] Stop comparing yourself to that of 20-year-olds. Most of them won’t be even close to where you are when they grow up. 

7] Be patient with yourself…and kind. Beating up on yourself is not going to somehow reverse time.

8] Hire a personal trainer if you can afford it. Having said this, I’ve learned that it’s more expensive not having one.

9] Get plenty of rest.

10] Keep a psychotherapist and massage therapist on speed dial. 

and…

11] For God’s sake, don’t end up like John McEnroe.

10 Essential New Year’s Resolutions [You Can Actually Achieve]

2016-resolutions-chalkboard

If you’re anything like me, you’ve noticed that you’re older than you used to be.

With this in mind, here are a few things you can do to improve your situation:

1] Accept the fact that media and reality are two entirely different things, even if you’re the only one buying it.

2] Understand that your sense of relevance is tied to the health of both your physical body and your financial portfolio in equal measure. 

3] Know that dating beautiful young women is a minefield, not because they’re difficult to find, but because they’re difficult to read.

4] Understand that women who embrace their own objectivity will expect you to pay for it.

5] Look at life more from the perspective of a human food chain and you’ll find love in the most unexpected places.

6] Embrace psychotherapy when you feel uncomfortable talking to anyone else, but understand that it can be as addictive as heroin, and sometimes, just as expensive.  

7] Practice mindfulness before delusion plays stand in for sanity.

8] Realize that life doesn’t care about you, so you have to figure our how to care about yourself. It still won’t care, but whatever. 

9] Accept the fact that not taking your meds is the same as committing infidelity. 

10] Worrying about not achieving your New Year’s resolutions is worse than simply not achieving them, so think carefully before committing to anything.

Now you have 10 New Year’s resolutions that will serve you better than diets and exercise by a factor of 1000.