What’s So Gross About Madonna?

47636953.cachedIn women, experience isn’t a carbon credit for lost time.

There’s very little to say about this that hasn’t already been said a thousand times, so I’ll just post the link from The Daily Beast, written by Samantha Allen.

You can also type “Madonna” into the search bar on this site for further commentary on the Queen of Pop or whatever.


Is Madonna Really Wearing a Mouthful of Grills?



No one would accuse Madonna of being a slouch, resting on her laurels and so on…

She works incessantly, travels the world tour after tour after grueling tour.

But no matter how much Madonna tours, she is still 57, not 25.

Hello memo.

The harder she tries to be chronologically seamless, the farther away she lands.

Racing with the devil is a fool’s errand someone who loves her obviously neglected to mention.

Grills? Seriously?

If my 83-year-old mother wore grills, I’d have her committed.

But for Madonna, it’s an unintended tragic pantomime she can afford to ignore.

Delusion, after all, isn’t against the law.

But even Madonna can’t buy back the bad press.

Sadly, she’s become an embarrassment to the Baby Boom.

Not her accomplishments, not her work ethic, not her contribution to the world of Pop.

But everything else.

If my generation’s greatest fear is maintenance of personal dignity, Madonna is our crucible.

So again, it’s all about money, honey, delusion notwithstanding.

Top Ways Parents Embarrass Their Kids [and everyone else for that matter]

0D691748000005DC-3170885-image-m-36_1437577893679At some point, we have to get a grip.

I’m not a parent to human beings, so I freely admit to ignorance on this subject.

However, I do spend a lot of time around people who do have kids, many of whom struggle with the dichotomy of social relevance as it relates to adulthood.

In general, the objective is to be yourself without coming off as someone in denial, which requires a high degree of self-actualization.

This is a big problem for divorced, middle-aged men and women back on the dating scene who hit on people half their age.

I said “men and women” lest you think older men are the default scapegoats for all things juvenile.

Note: I said “hitting on,” not being “hit on.” There’s a difference.

Digression aside, many older women compete with their daughters on every level, including wardrobe, where they conduct raids on their closets on the weekends.

The following article sites several examples of this phenomena:



As an older man, I pretty much do the same things I did as a young man.

I go to the gym, listen to loud music, wear the same clothes I did back in the 70’s [except these have different labels and are ten times the price], and generally speaking, and generally speaking, live my life the way I always have: my way.

Having said this, I also pay my own bills and have a clean record with law enforcement, so kiss off.

That last flippant comment is something that would have passed my lips back in high school, by the way.

I suppose i should have substituted “kiss off” with “I’m not concerned what others think of my behavior or lifestyle.”

But like I said, my way.

In the end, you have to know the difference between who you are and how you’re perceived.

If self-actualization isn’t one of your strong suits [I’m calling out you narcissists], you’ll end up a sad stereotype in the eyes of youth in general.



Lesson #1: Don’t dress [or act like] Madonna


Lesson #2: Understand that you and your kids are two different ages. In other words, you’re a lot older than your kids. Some of you may have to start with more basic exercises to get the hang of this.

Lesson #3: Kissing your kids in front of his friends is about as embarrassing as things get in the mind of an adolescent, so don’t do it.

Lesson #4: “Youth speak” is ONLY done if you can pull it off without sounding like you’re trying to fit in. If you don’t know the difference, stick to the Queen’s English.

Lesson #5: Kids don’t like stories unless they are infants. Older kids don’t have your attention span as evidenced by the soaring Adderall sales. 

Lesson #6: Teach your kids to clean up after themselves. Picking up their crap every 5 minutes looks like you work for them. Think of it this way: Would their friends pick up after their friends? 

Lesson #7: Under no circumstances should you try and connect with them on social media. Let them come to you. If they don’t, blow it off.

Lesson #8: Know technology. I can’t emphasize this enough. This generation’s genesis is in technology. If you don’t know it, it’s kind of like not knowing about food.

Lesson #9: No matter what people tell you to the contrary, kids already know more about sex than before their 14th birthday. So don’t bother.

Lesson #10: Getting wasted in front of younger people  including one’s kids – is about the most demeaning thing an adult can do, unless you’re Keith Richards, in which case it’s cool because he’s kind of immortal in that way.  




Denial’s a Bitch

madonna-624-1375114464Where she started…


What’s left…

After belting out her classic song of female empowerment “Express Yourself,” at Coachella, the 56-year-old pop legend, Madonna, pulled the 28-year-old singer, Drake, back in his chair to plant a heavy kiss on his lips.

Then all hell broke loose.



Naivete in grownups is often charming; but when coupled with vanity it is indistinguishable from stupidity. Eric Hoffer


Madonna is closing in on 60 years old and a shadow of her former self, which I know is shocking to those of you who think she resembles the woman on the cover of her new CD.

If she were a writer or folk singer or politician or television actor or newscaster or cashier at WalMart she could go on and on and on. But sex symbol? Please.

And that gold dental grill!!! Seriously??? What drugs drive people this far off the ranch???

I guess it has everything to do with being at the top of the pop music world for decades only to feel pressured to pass the baton to the next generation.

If it were me, I’d do the same damn thing as long as I had no idea how ridiculous it made me look.

I’m sure no one let’s her in on this dirty little secret, though.

Why would they? Their careers rest on her perpetuity no matter how desperate she looks in the process.

But what propelled her to stardom is still part of who she is today. In this sense, she is stuck in the past, always looking for the next opportunity to resurrect herself, this time around with an undercurrent of indignant rage.

The bottom line is that she is no longer “herself” on the outside, which means that she has to redefine who she is on the inside.

At this writing, this does not appear to be happening.

Nonetheless, what she’s going through is not unique to women.

Men become the punchlines of jokes when they live the way they did 30 ago, refusing to acknowledge that 30 years have passed.

We all age. It sucks. It’s nature’s cruel joke. Call it what you will. But it’s a reality we all face no matter who we are.

Some fare better than others, mostly because they’re not Madonna.

They don’t have to fill stadiums, pander to fans, focus on trying to bend and shape perception of aging until people no longer see it.

In this sense Madonna as “Madonna” is her own worst nightmare.

If she wants to salvage her dignity and assure a resurrection of sorts, she should take her own advice and perform alone on a simple stage with an acoustic guitar.

No dancers, backup singers, pyrotechnics and god’s knows what the hell else.

Now that would be a concert worth seeing.


Who attends Madonna concerts?

1] Older women who relate to her midlife delusions.

2] Gay men who imagine Madonna loves them more than she loves herself.

3] No one else that I’m aware of.




Now Drake has said that, in so many words, he was delighted to have had the opportunity to be kissed by the queen, Madonna.

Yea right, dude.

Best to cover your ass.

The “Ideal Female Physique” to Certain Men of a Certain Age

Film Title: The Stepford Wives.

Not that I need to remind any of you in my demographic, but for “outsiders” interested in what older men find physically ideal in women, you can use the link below to run the numbers for yourselves.

Most women I’m around can recite them in their sleep.


769558-kosNeedless to say, what you want is not necessarily what you get.


I was in the gym yesterday when one of the guys I train with commented on how many of the women around us had identical physiques.

I guess my narrative is beginning to rub off on some of these guys.



Speaking in generalities is always a dicey proposition, but generalizations do have their place, or no one would have the vaguest idea what I was talking about.

To wit, women of a certain demographic – or those aspiring to become members of it – know that a specific appearance is the key to “moving up.”

It’s not that other attributes are ignored. It’s that one opens the door while the other closes it behind them.

Let’s take my health club, for example.

All of the “well married” – or aspirants – look like they rolled out of the same factory.

Their overall physique is best described as “long and lean.”

Some have described it as that of 12-year-old boys in yoga pants and tans.

But why would any man want the women in his life to look like an adolescent boy?

Here are 5 of the most commonly cited reasons, though they tend to avoid using the adolescent boy metaphor:


1] High-end fashion apparel is designed around a long, lean look, so women who look this way always look great at cocktail parties and benefits. 

2] Women on the “curvy” side give the impression that the men in their company are, for whatever reason, are unable to command a more exemplary model.

3] Women who are “long and lean” look more educated, cultured and intelligent, which reflects well on the man in their lives, even if neither is the actual case.

4] Men of this demographic prefer smaller women they can physically handle, and subconsciously, dominate. 

5] Women who fit this profile avoid criticism from other women, which makes men who rely on flawless social reflections feel better about their choice in mates.



I was having lunch yesterday at my health-club when one of the staff approached my table to thank me for helping her with her diet. I simply suggested that she try a diet more in line with the Paleo guidelines, which avoid such items as bread.

But what struck me wasn’t that something I suggested was helping her accomplish her weight goals, but why she was trying to lose so much weight in the first place.

“Jay,” she said, “I know that my ticket out of this job is my body. If I can just get that lean look, I can come back here as a member.”


A few statistics worth noting from the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders:


1] Women are much more likely than men to develop an eating disorder. Only an estimated 5 to 15 percent of people with anorexia or bulimia are male.14

2] An estimated 0.5 to 3.7 percent of women suffer from anorexia nervosa in their lifetime.14 Research suggests that about 1 percent of female adolescents have anorexia.

3] An estimated 1.1 to 4.2 percent of women have bulimia nervosa in their lifetime.

4] An estimated 2 to 5 percent of Americans experience binge-eating disorder in a 6-month period.

5] About 50 percent of people who have had anorexia develop bulimia or bulimic patterns.

6] 20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems.


Needless to say, the costs of maintenance are usually ten times the value of homes in nicer neighborhoods, and I haven’t even mentioned jail time for women who suffer homicidal rage targeted at the husbands.


Urban Dystrophy [Digital Version] Available on Amazon this week!

Screen Shot 2015-03-29 at 12.24.31 PM copyLAUNCH DATE FOR DIGITAL VERSION ANNOUNCED ON MAY, 2015!


From Urban Dystrophy:

“You get back what others think you’re worth, not what you think you’re worth. And unless you can afford not to care, you better care. With practice, you’ll be able to determine your own relative value so you’re not disappointed by things you thought you deserved, but didn’t for reasons you may resent, but better get used to.”

“Most middle-aged men struggling to balance acquisition of wealth with fading relevance feel like characters in an apocalypse series with recurring story arcs.”

“I compete with popular culture every day, on every level, including in my love life where it’s particularly competitive.”

“I once knew a forty-two-year-old pharmaceutical rep that kept a list of mandatory line items prospective “boyfriends” had to meet. It sat on her iPad for easy reference. If I remember correctly, the last count was 22,328.”

“Eventually we all reach a point in life where we can no longer hit on young women without also being hit on by a bouncer.”

“In the old days, men had wives and mistresses. This was considered normal. It was understood that emotional intimacy in men was a sign of weakness, and therefore, if women wanted their men to remain strong and faithful to their marriages, mistresses were necessary.”

“At middle age, the situation becomes ten times worse. Although women are decades older than they were back in college, men still measure them against their 1980 yearbook picture, which is why most of the women they date were born about that time. This same pathology manifests in the perception that men and women age at different rates, even if they technically don’t.”

“Women say blessings are counted by the number of people who give you unconditional love. But, others contend that you still die alone, and that bouncing nickels off a flawless ass is worth the blind faith in miracles.”

We’ve also produced some limited edition t-shirts, should you be interested in brandishing the narrative!

The logo below: