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Male Sex Appeal vs the Aging Demon

tumblr_npp2ol7fl41t7qvufo1_500 Alessandro Manfredini, Model

Ask most women to name an age when men start losing their sex appeal and most would say 39-40.

What would you pick?

The consensus from pop culture and social science seem to agree that 40 is the line in the sand when men start to become “invisible” to opposite-sex potential partners, and especially to younger ones.

But how young?

Most teens don’t look at men over the age of 25, so it’s all relative.

British Crown in Manchester, a hair transplantation clinic, paid for a study started all this crap.

It’s findings were that men 39 or older are more likely to be identified by women as a “father figure” than a “sex symbol.”

In my world, that’s considered advanced adolescence.

Needless to say, the clinic had an agenda in mind.

Since most men lose hair along with color, we need to book an appointment at our earliest possible convenience in order to avoid suicidal tendencies.

The web is littered with this ridiculous “study,” mostly because no one else has bothered to commission a legitimate one.

What I have found through personal experience is that women consider “ideal” and “perfectly acceptable” to be the same things.

Again, I’m not talking about teens. Their objectivity is palpable. But they can afford it, so there’s that.

For everyone else, here’s what women I know cite as critical to a man’s enduring sex appeal:

1] Maintaining Your Hair, no matter how much – or how little – of it you may have.

So, in other words, get a decent haircut and let the gray do its thing.

http://metro.co.uk/2015/02/17/10-reasons-grey-haired-men-are-hot-5065945/

The alternative is to shave your head, which many women like, but only if the head in question does not resemble an egg.

If it does, you’re screwed.

2] Stay Fit and Healthy

I don’t know anyone my age who doesn’t stay fit, no matter what their hair looks like.

3] Take Care of Your Teeth

Most men I know have straighter, whiter teeth than they did at 25, real or fake.

4] Chill & Stay Confident

The men my age who’ve done well in life tend to be confident.

Thus, successful men are attractive to women at pretty much any age.

~~~

SUMMARY

All of these “studies” are complete bullshit.

They play out in abstraction, not reality.

In reality, where the rest of us reside, young men attract women because they are physically flawless and ripe with potential.

Older men, on the other hand, attract women because of their level of success and the maturity and confidence that comes along with it.

People say a lot of things from a distance, but in the end, women see with their ears.

And yes, nice neighborhoods do sound pretty damn good to most of them.

So, You Want a Daddy?

perfect-woman-clockwI’m cracking myself up this morning.

No seriously.

For all you unemployed millennial’s out there, hope’s on the horizon.

You don’t have to earn a PhD. – or even a GED.

But you will need other assets worth bartering.

I should be charging a consultation fee for this, but you caught me on a good day.

The Most Common Gold-Digger Backstory

Teenage daughter works as a part-time waitress. She lives in a trailer with her biological mother and unemployed stepfather, whose on disability over an alleged lumberyard mishap.

In the mother’s mind…

“The disability payments ain’t worth shit money-wise, but that daughter of mine has an ass…if she only knew how to use it right. I ain’t talkin’ flat-out hookin,’ but maybe goin’ in to the big city and learnin’ how to talk right for god’s sake. Get rid of that gum chewin,’ act like she belongs, ya know…find out where the money’s at…”

This is the template from which most gold-diggers are hatched and bred. It’s as old as the hills, the situation I mean…and how to get out of it.

But there’s a lot more to it than what you read, so I’ll help fill in the blanks.

While finding a “daddy” sounds like a cakewalk to many of you who think that youth and beauty are enough to seal the deal, think again. Cultural evolution is no different than biological evolution, except that it’s a thousand times faster. So while the gold-digger of old was easy to pull from a police line-up, today’s incarnation is virtually unrecognizable even under polygraph analysis and near lethal doses of sodium pentothal.

With this as a backdrop, here are 25 clues from my own personal experience tells me you’re someone I don’t want to know.

1] Gum chewing.

 2] Ending sentences with prepositions. While sometimes it’s okay to end sentences with prepositions, you best know when it’s okay. Otherwise, stick to the rules.

Incorrect usage: Where is he at?

Correct usage: Where is he?

.3] Improperly conjugating verbs

Incorrect usage: “She run off.”

Correct usage: “She ran off.”

4] Mispronouncing words that reasonably educated women learn by the time they’re 6.

Example #1: Never say expresso. The correct word is Espresso.

Example#2: It’s also not Excetera. It’s et cetera.

5] Me vs I

Incorrect usage: Jim and me are going to the beach.

Correct usage: Jim and I are going to the beach.

6] Gone vs Went

Incorrect usage: I should’ve went somewhere!

Correct usage: I went to the store. I should have gone to the open market instead.

7] Could of vs Could have

Incorrect usage: I wonder if I could of majored in English.

Correct usage: I wonder if I could have majored in English.

8] Cheap handbag. Only acceptable if you just picked up something interesting at a vintage shop.

9] Don’t overuse foundation. It makes you look like you’re hiding something. Ask any stripper.

10] Know the difference between sexy and sleazy. It’s part self-confidence, part self-actualization, and part breeding.

11] Bad posture is a clear and present sign of a mother who doesn’t know better.

12] If you’ve never heard of Shakespeare, you’re toast…even if your target is an engineer who only reads blueprints.

13] Money is not the determinant of class. Class is the determinant of class. Then money is the determinant of class.

14] If you can’t walk in heels, learn at home.

15] If you’ve never attended college and you’re not a famous entertainer or entrepreneur, lie.

16] Never trip out at the sight of an expensive home or car. It’s just a home and a car.

17] Never ask a man you don’t know for money or he will have sex with you without paying for it.

18] Hit on anyone other than your date and it will be your last.

19] One online profile is enough. More than one with entirely different information is identity theft.

20] Have interests outside of going out. Some people enjoy reading books, for example.

21] Using country vernacular is fine as long as people know you know the difference between ignorance and the Queen’s English.

22] Never name-drop unless your own name is worth dropping.

23] Your cell phone is simply a cellphone, not a codependent relationship.

24] Repeat after me: “I have a good relationship with my father.”

25] When referring to family members, never say “grampah and grammah.” Instead, say “grandfather and grandmother.” This also applies to mother and father, whom can be also be referred to as simply “mom and dad.”

I could go on…

How Not to Keep a Good Man Down.

 

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What I’m about to tell you cuts a deep swath between what you were and what many of you are becoming.

Most men don’t have the balls to say [out loud] any of what I’m about to tell you, but saying it is the only way to help catalyze change in what’s often a foot-dragging passage into twilight.

Buckle up.

~~~

Over these past decades I’ve learned a few things about being a man that weigh on all of us after enough water’s under the bridge.

#1

The first is the personal assessment quiz, where we sum up all of our perceived accomplishments and hope that our backstories are sellable on the open market.

I say ‘open market’ because unless you live in a vacuum, you have an audience that determines your viability. I know. This sounds like every psychiatrist’s worst nightmare, but it’s still true.

We live in a society filled with people, not open land filled with livestock.

Remember, this is a blog about urban life, not rural isolationism.

In this world, our world, we need to matter. Some call it relevance. And while many claim this to be an exercise in pure nihilism and self-destruction, it’s critical to our emotional well being that we see our lives as having been well spent.

The resulting self-esteem becomes our fuel, our motivation to go on long after the glory years of imagined immortality and endless promise have passed.

But let me reiterate that we must pass muster with the world around us before we get the fuel. We can’t just fantasize it into being.

The world around us is a cold, objective force. It sees us as fully formed entities, each with a script in our hands that we read to ourselves before closing our eyes at night, hoping our dreams don’t contradict the plot lines.

Appreciating the gravity of this is an essential part of maintaining dignity no matter how much you try to ignore or deny it.

Okay, so let’s say we’re happy with what we’ve done with our lives up to this juncture. We have financial security and we’re proud of what we’ve done.

Great.

Now what?

#2

Now we have to figure out how to maintain what we’ve built so it doesn’t all come crashing down on top of us.

I’m talking about our physical health, and more specifically, our physical being; how we see ourselves relative to those around us, no matter what their age.

Like everything else in my life, I need to feel in possession of myself physically, to be physically strong, in control, and able to defend myself.

I’m sure that more than a few of you reading this will wonder why men our age [Baby Boomers] should give a crap about what sounds like an older man’s delusions of grandeur, but I don’t know any of you.

The men I do know care. A lot. They don’t want to be walked all over like party confetti. They live with purpose and dignity.

And while a few engage in endurance sports, especially anorexics, who swap one addiction for another, the answer lies in the weight room. Yes, being a man means lifting heavy weight. I know I know. I’m a superficial jackass who has no idea what brings true fulfillment to anyone but myself, but you’re still dead wrong.

Many of the men I’m around are luminaries in their respective fields, ranging in age from late 40’s to early 80’s. But one thing they share is a desire to build and/or maintain physical strength. In other words, no matter what they’ve done, if they’re wasting away it’s irrelevant. Soon, self esteem will erode away all that they’ve built, and they’ll end up dead long before you read about them in the obituaries.

This brings to mind a guy in my gym in his early 80’s who is not only a celebrated surgeon, but a world champion masters power lifter.

You think he feels irrelevant?

The respect he receives from people around him is palpable.

My motto: Be strong, live well.

#3

Our personal lives are the final cog in our wheels of fortune. While I cannot pretend to speak for gay men and their relationships, I do know a thing or two about living with women, which is kind of like living with an extraterrestrial biological life form, identical human DNA, notwithstanding.

Like #1 and #2, how we feel in the context of our relationships is inextricably tied to how we feel as men.

The first thing we men know about ourselves is that our egos are fragile, particularly when we feel vulnerable. Thus, we need our masculinity validated daily. We need to feel loved; we need to feel attractive; and we need to feel capable.

That’s a lot of need, but miss an ounce of it at your peril.

Memorize this list so you don’t lose it:

A] Admire Us.

Compliment us on the things we’re good at and our physical qualities. Beat on us and we’ll stop making the house payments.

B] Brag on Us

The first time I heard a woman complaining about her husband’s “many” shortfalls, I suggested he leave her. In my mind, she breached the trust and left him out to dry.

C] Ask For Our Help

Ask us to show you how to do something or to give you advice on a tough situation. We’ll be more than happy to show you, believe me.

D] Never, Ever Cut Us Down No Matter What.

Make you man feel like an idiot and he will show you the door. Men have massive egos. Why this is I don’t know, but suspect it has something to do with having to kill things so the rest of his primordial family didn’t starve to death.

Never, ever discredit us or make snide comments about our appearance, abilities or performances, particularly around others.

E] Learn How to Listen.

Men may not be as talkative as women are, but we still have things to say and emotions to vent or bad days we want to discuss. While we’re more about fixing things than just talking for the sake of being heard, sometimes we like being heard so we can justify fixing things.

F] Respect Us.

Respect builds the foundation of our relationships. Without it, we will look for it elsewhere, believe me. Incessant nagging comes to mind. It’s like rat poison for human relationships.

G] Believe In Us

We want the women in our lives to be our biggest cheerleaders. We’ll do anything for someone who believes in us. Even if what we try to do doesn’t succeed by someone else’s standards, the fact that we gave it our best shot deserves praise and love.

H] Do Little Things For Us

Whether you leave a love note somewhere we’ll find it, stuff an Oreo under our pillow…or just wear something that we can’t seem to live without, JUST DO IT!

FINAL THOUGHTS

As men get older it’s even more important to affirm us. First, because we are no longer 25. Second, because no matter what we act like, we’re no longer in college and running track for NYU.

Of course, back then we were flat broke, our trust factor was zero, and and our apartments resembled the wolf dens you see at natural science museums across the country.

As women who’ve spent your fair share of time with men, you already know all these things.

This is just a reminder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unplugging Facebook…and Other Mysteries Solved.

facebook-pill2

If you’re anything at all like me you already know that Facebook is potentially catastrophic to one’s emotional well being.

But like any drug, some are better able to handle the ups and downs.

I’m not one of them, which is why heroin has never been a line-item on my bucket list, except in extreme cases where I’m terminal and don’t want to wait another week for the inevitable.

Digression notwithstanding, Facebook has a way of burrowing into your life without giving much in return, unlike, say, Instagram or Twitter where the entire friggin’ world gets to tune into your life, and maybe you end up with a new TV deal.

So today I decided to put an end to it — at least, for now.

 

New Boomer TV Show!

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http://babyboomersinamerica.com/

And now for the bad news…

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/were-going-broke-chasing-the-american-dream-2016-04-27

As everyone knows, life exacts its pound of flesh one way or the other, but money is one reliable carbon credit for all the attrition.

Of course, you have to have it to use it.

My generation grew up with the misguided notion that we had to find a career that truly fulfilled us in order to succeed in life. the idea was that we wouldn’t put for the effort necessary to succeed doing something we didn’t personally enjoy.

What we weren’t reminded of is that money runs the world, and that without it, there are no vacations! where we get to do what we love.

I was guilty of the same misguided notions until I got lucky. But that’s for another blog…or you can just read my last book, Urban Dystrophy available on Amazon.

The article focuses on one Neal Gabler, who has written acclaimed biographies of Walt Disney and Walter Winchell among many others.

Unfortunately, Gabler was, as he freely admits, “a financial illiterate, or worse — an ignoramus.”

“I don’t ask for or expect any sympathy,” he writes. “I am responsible for my quagmire — no one else.”

His situation is the product of some bad luck and many poor choices, many of them common to all of us.

In brief, here they are:

1. He chose to be a writer, not the most stable profession.

2. He chose to write books, which don’t produce income for years.

3. He chose to live in high-cost New York City.

4. He chose to have two children, whom he sent to private school early on and then to Stanford and Emory for college.

5. His wife quit her job as a film executive to spend more time with the kids when they moved to eastern Long Island.

The article suggests that perhaps it’s time for us to redefine the American Dream beyond the purely material goals of the postwar years, when our growth seemed unstoppable.

It concludes that life should be more about the freedom to succeed or fail on our own terms.

But, in my view, there is no more “our own terms” because none of us lives in a box, impervious to media and life on the outside.

And while encompassing things like pride in our own personal achievements, family, friends, and community service that leaves a legacy of which we can be proud, we can not all afford therapy at $250/50 minutes.

The Often Overlooked Differences Between Youth and Middle Age

youthAny one of these people could have rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago.

 

older-couples-getty

If any of these people rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago instead of several hours ago after hair and make-up for this photo shoot, they’d frighten children.

~~~

Last night we went attending the opening of a new art gallery in Houston.

No big deal, right?

Hardly.

But before I get into this, allow me to offer some perspective.

When I was 25, going out was a straight line between the thought and the front door: I put on some clothes and walked out knowing I looked presentable no matter what I looked like.

If I hadn’t combed my hair, it probably looked better than it would if I spent an hour in front of the mirror with sprays and gels.

My skin was, you know, young,  my jawline sharp. Rarely did I see bloodshot eyes no matter what I did to myself the night before.

And by the way, there also wasn’t a single, solitary hair anyplace other than where it was from the time I was 14.

In short, I was ripe for breeding.

Then time passed…and I didn’t die.

Some say we linger no matter what we actually do, but to the point: I was no longer able to do what I didn’t have to do back in the day.

No, this is not what you want to hear, I get it. Believe me, I know. But we’re here and this is what we have to deal with if we want to, you know, linger.

Now lingering is also relative, so there’s some hope if you’re willing – and/or able – to read between the lines.

For example, people are not static images on a two-dimensional page, so there’s that.

In reality, there’s money and experience and a whole lot of other stuff that creates a composite that often acts as a carbon credit against physical attrition.

But no matter what an older adult has in their favor, they cannot escape an aging appearance, which requires propping up every step of the way in order to maintain some degree of objective attractiveness.

Some things are simply not subjective no matter how you spin the narrative.

So how does all of this translate?

1] Dentists handle our teeth, which, of course, involves regular cleanings – but also crowns, veneers, whitening, bonding…and root canals to name a few more.

2] Then there’s the hair-where-it-doesn’t-belong thing. We either visit a stylist [usually the case with women], or we do it ourselves, with often catastrophic results. 

3] Did I mention diet? Yea, if you want to make it into your 50’s without type-2 diabetes and/or every other imaginable health problem, you have to eat clean, with the exception of one “cheat” meal per week.

4] You have to get plenty of sleep, and I mean 8 hours of sleep each and every night if you plan to remember your mother’s name.

5] You will be forced to conform to a certain set of standards required of adults in nice neighborhoods.

For example:

a] You cannot walk out of your home bare-chested, or in a wife beater, or in your underwear without being branded clinically insane and an imminent danger to neighborhood children.

          b] You cannot punch out your neighbor for being noisy on a Sunday morning. Instead you will contact your HOA or local police and let them handle it for you. 

          c] You will abstain from contentious remarks or unnecessary cursing, lest you be excluded from HOA meetings that will now involve discussion about what to do about you. 

6] You will stay in reasonable shape, which your personal trainer will help ensure.

7] If your wife or girlfriend is significantly younger than you, expect not to invited to social functions involving age-appropriate wives.

8] Nobody cares if you’re a member of the LGBT community as long as your home and lawn are well manicured.

9] If you own a vehicle not on the acceptable vehicle list, you will be labelled curious, and usually outright dismissed.

a] Acceptable adult vehicles include, Range Rover, Lexus, Porsche, Chevrolet Yukons and Suburbans, Mini, Audi, BMW, Jaguar, Maserati, Ferrari and classic muscle cars in pristine condition. I may have missed one or two, but you get my point. Lamborghini is considered     white trash no matter how much money you have. 

         b] Vehicles on the kill list included any late model muscle car and Econoline vans.

10] Finally [for the moment] you must know the law. If not, you can and will be sued for anything and everything imaginable, including everything.

a] Understand that many affluent people are bored out of their minds, particularly if they’re in bad physical shape, hate their wives, or suffer clinical depression stemming from fading relevance, leaving them staring down the barrel of destiny. Thus, always be considerate of others, understand that you live in a neighborhood of which you are a member [not a king], and abide by the statutes set forth by your home owner’s association. While your kids can do pretty much anything they want, leveraging youth against bad behavior, the buck will always stop with you.

Yes, I know, getting older can be a friggin’ nightmare, but it’s not without its perks.

I’ll elaborate in my next installment.

If You Think Boomers Are Narcissistic, Check Out Their Kids!

3351185200000578-3547280-Julia_from_Kensington_got_her_first_Louis_Vuitton_handbag_at_age-m-16_1461058945134

Julia Stakhiva, originally from the Ukraine, spends over £200,000 per year on designer clothes for her wardrobe, which is estimated to be worth £1.5 million

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3547280/Rich-Kid-Instagram-flies-Moscow-haircut-boasts-1-5m-wardrobe-spends-30-000-year-fillers-funded-PARENTS.html

“I believe everyone should start cosmetic surgery at a young age. It’s better to save up your money for beauty treatments instead of spending it on food.”

With this as a backdrop, I offer you 10 commandments of contemporary life that every young woman commit to memory:

1] Objectivity is not subjective.

2] Youth and beauty are life’s most sacred commodities.   

3] If you don’t live well, you’re either taking your commodities for granted, or you missed the boat.   

4] Extravagant wealth is life’s greatest reward.

5] Physical imperfections are synonymous with rabies in human populations.

7] The inability to recite the names of top apparel designers is considered a disability.  

8] There is no level of depression that a trip to Chanel can’t cure.

9] Too much empathy is like dragging one’s feet.

10] Self-Obsession is the quintessential human quality.

The “Gala”

11208572_961573263894048_1576230664_nThere was a time not long ago when I loved being the center of attention.

“Flatter flatter flatter!”

I was struggling through an endless series of speed bumps to nowhere that I medicated into oblivion through fleeting relationships and, still people clapped.

Of course, I was young and handsome and well spoken, and therefore, “in demand” as such things go.

These assets alone eclipsed whatever was absent everywhere else, as evidenced in the hostess-CEO paradigm.

So like others of my kind, I let the endorphin rushes fuel fantasies of where my new encounters might lead…night after night after night.

But as time passed and my career grew, I found that I needed more tangible affirmation in order to maintain self-esteem.

I was getting older and youth was no longer the hook. So what was?

It had to come from within, but how? as the need for external affirmation felt like an addiction to painkillers?

Where was that now lost screw that kept the joints rattling?

I was becoming unhinged.

Then, in my mid 50’s, I started coming out of it.

I was one of the lucky ones, as others around me lost everything to time, desperate moves and bad luck.

As cliché as it sounds, I began to find meaning in sharing my life with someone else, and everything else started to fade.

I started to find that going back to the social till bled a little more of me, leaving me empty and unfulfilled.

While I still appreciated public acknowledgement of my work, I saw it all very differently, as simple self-expression, a way of working through issues in my life, rather than a veiled quest for self-aggrandizement.

I know that for the most part, praise is just posturing, something people feel compelled to express in a particular social context.

But what really mattered to them was money and power.

Even when they are genuinely impressed with an artist’s work, their feelings are ephemeral, fleeting and largely meaningless.

They will move on to the next cocktail function, cherry-pick another item of interest, and on it will go, forever.

In the end, no one really cares unless they receive something of equal measure.

For most it’s the public acknowledgement that they are of powerful social standing, transcendent of art.

In their minds, they are the bedrock, the unassailable…oligarchs of an otherwise trivial world.

Of course, challenges do arise [to my great amusement], particularly when such people are in the company of the equally rich and very famous.

I love all the fraying at the edges of vanity as they maneuver themselves back into the ring.

We all find our niches in the world, places that affirm us, reflect our standings and values, that don’t obliterate our self-esteem.

I live in a neighborhood of my peers, and spend time socializing with people who, for the most part, share my values, beliefs and social standing.

I no longer need or want anything from anyone else.

I’m not here to take, but to share.

I have already paid my dues many times over and no longer walk into a situation with my hands out.

If people like what they see, if it has some meaning for them, great.

Either way, I am no longer willing to sell myself for anyone’s approval.

Socialites do what they do for personal gain.

Whether it’s Look at me, how wealthy I am, how extravagant my clothing, how elite my connections…or…How the hell do I get into this club so I can move out of my apartment, it’s a game I’m no longer willing to play.

For those of you who wish to gain access to the right parties, hosted by the right people with an eye on their bank accounts, you know where to go and what to do.

Bullet Points of Interest:

1] People tend to do what they do for personal gain, even when they are the ones “giving.”

2] Nothing is ever free, even when people are throwing something at you. 

3] Life is about checks and balances, usually literally.

4] People you like are usually those you’ve vetted over time, not people you meet at cocktail functions.

5] Fund raisers are usually a subtle dance around who’s got the biggest “dick,” both men and women.

6] Hanger’s on are like sous-chefs waiting for the big dog to fall into a vat of boiling grease.

7] Art is worth nothing to most people unless Christie’s auctions it.

8] Opportunism is gaining access to something you can’t find within yourself.

9] Everyone uses everyone for everything on some level, even if it’s a good laugh. So it’s all about levels.

10] While socialites serve a useful purpose in society, nobody cares who they are if they’re not raining money.

Venting is cathartic. It’s why I write and shoot pictures.

Hey Big Spender: Affluent Boomers Rock Urbania

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Though Baby Boomers are certainly the richest generation in U.S. history, few members of its cohort qualify as truly “elite,” according to a recent study.

Boomer Elites, according to Focalyst, a market research and consulting firm, are a select subgroup of Baby Boomers (born between 1946 and 1964) who are characterized by a household pretax annual income of $150,000 or $100,000 if retired.

Only 1 in 10 Baby Boomers can be classified as Elites.

Most Boomer Elites are married, 92% college educated [73% of non-Elite Boomers have college degrees], and live in homes valued at nearly twice that of the average Boomer. Boomer Elite’s home is $519,000, in contrast with the typical Boomer’s home valued at $282,000.

Okay, so now we know that 1 in 10 Boomer Elites can afford homes in the 500k range.

Is this supposed to impress anyone?

I’m being facetious, of course, but the honest to God truth is that most Boomers I know live in homes 4x that price – and much, much more –and there are lots of them.

For the most part, they are out of touch with reality for those even in the bottom end of the 1% equation.

But as fractionally small a this demographic may be, it’s positively massive to those who reside here.

And people wonder why politicians refer to people as numbers.