Post Category → Exisitentialism

We’re Traveling Through Another Dimension, a Dimension Not Only of Sight and Sound But of Mind: Meet “Caitlyn”

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Bruce Jenner [65] as “Caitlyn”

http://www.tmz.com/2015/06/01/bruce-jenner-photo-caitlyn-woman-vanity-fair/

First of all, I don’t care what Bruce Jenner, or, for that matter, anyone else does with their body.

Some people like tattoos, others pierce their genitals.

There are women [and men] who spend the lion’s share of their time in the company of plastic surgeons. Some say it improves their chances of scoring an acting job on Law and Order.

Others undergo procedures they think will attract the attention of rich, powerful men with penchants for younger women, in spite of the fact that most of them are in their middle 40’s.

Enter Bruce Jenner, a one-time Olympic gold medalist, and now a regular on the reality television series, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

I remember him back in their 80’s as the Wheaties guy.

He was all about being a fit, healthy man. All man.

But as we all come to know, what we see in life is rarely what’s behind the veil.

There are no simple set of right angels, balanced and aligned.

Jenner claimed he was never comfortable with who he was, that he never felt comfortable in the body of a man.

So like everyone else I know, he did something about it – mostly because he could afford to do something about it – and then decided to make it a crusade for the transgendered community.

Win-win.

He’s both woman and celebrated advocate.

It kind of reminds me of Madonna, a woman in the throes of a very public crash-and-burn tied directly to her delusions of pop relevance.

They’re both shell’s of their former selves, but at this stage of the game, neither one of them are going out without a fight.

Whether it’s heavily Photoshopped press images, or scripted interviews, “relevance” will not be denied.

This does make for a compelling study in abnormal human psychology. It’s a textbook example of just how far a person is willing to go to satisfy self.

I certainly don’t criticize Jenner for tackling a debilitating psychiatric dilemma.

But I do question his decision as a parent to drag his daughters through what should have been a private family matter, accolades from the transgendered community notwithstanding.

Then again, one could also argue that The Kardashians made their fortune on public disclosure, and Jenner’s transformation is just another angle in a never-ending story.

For me, the last thing in the world I would want to do is become a woman at age 65.

Hell, most women I know begin to feel invisible by age 40.

Grumpy Old Man Syndrome, Deconstructed

mylawnlarge2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/carol-e-wyer/men-and-grumpiness_b_5266944.html

Grumpy Old Man Syndrome is not listed in the DSM-V [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders], but it should be given its level of predictability.

As cited in the Huffington Post article [above], the disorder appears to present in men once they hit the age of 70, and then rapidly escalates until they die – or are poisoned by their wives, I assume.

The article states that “A 70-year-old man is a shadow of his former self – both physically and mentally. He then becomes invisible to those younger than him. He lacks a sense of purpose. He loses his firmness and assertiveness, and shrinks in stature and personality.”

Yea, no shit.

Needless to say, I’m writing about this because we Baby Boomers are next in line.

Just to clear the air of any misconceptions, though, I hereby state unequivocally that “I, Jay Rusovich, will not go down the road of indignity.” 

Too bad the same is isn’t true of most guys my age.

In some cases I get that their deterioration is tied to debilitating financial problems.

…i.e., “How the hell do I get back what I lost in 2008?”

But for everyone else, it’s resignation tied to depression.

Their “bad backs” are no excuse for transforming otherwise ambitious and confident men into creeping unics.

I hear about all their aches and pains as the pity party rages, but I know that deep down they realize it  only hastens the downhill tumble.

Everything at this stage of the game is in the throes of attrition.

Everything needs to be propped up. 

And the moment you take your eyes off the ball, rest assured it’s already down the rabbit hole.

No, you can no longer bounce out of bed like a Cirque performer and then dive into the world on a cup of coffee and a dream.

But you can stretch, have a healthy breakfast, brush your teeth, take a shower, comb whatever hair you have, and walk out of the house knowing that at some point during the course of the day you will hit the gym hard.

After all this time, the gym is the one place I can’t avoid if I want to keep my own life propped up, finances notwithstanding.

And no, it’ not a cakewalk.

No wonder there are legions of walking wounded waiting to die at the hands of lions.

Of course younger people dismiss them outright, stealing fuel from their already dying souls.

I’d rather die myself than live in their condition.

SUMMARY

Irrelevance is the aging man’s crucible.

Using the metaphor for what it is, if you don’t carry the cross to the very end, you’ll die at the foot of the mountain with the rest of the herd.

No one will ever beat me down without a fight. I will go to the wall for myself because there is no one else to lean on at the beginning and end of every day.

The moment I can stand tall I will stand down, at which point you should know that I like long-stem white roses…

What Kids Need to Know About Money: Reality Television, Notwithstanding.

abe-money

Misleading advice about money is everywhere, but the most egregious is this:

“Do what you love and the money will come.”

Seriously?

In the real world it reads more like this:

“Do what you love, but make damn sure that it can provide the kind of lifestyle you envision for yourself 30 years down the road.”

Unless you have a verifiable, iron-clad trust fund that cannot be changed or manipulated in someone else’s favor [including another family member], or hail from a celebrity family with a predilection towards generosity, or have a certain talent no one else on the planet has, you’re screwed.

I grew up around kids who bragged about their parents’ multimillion dollar businesses, only to find themselves – at middle age – in a corner office at the same firm on a salary that could never make the down payment on that house on the hill with the big swimming pool.

See, most businesses aren’t worth dirt to their owners until they’re sold.

There are exceptions, but not many.

The sole purpose of starting – and growing – a business is to one day sell it, not love it through sickness and health.

I say this because of all the things in the world you need count on, death withstanding, it’s money.

You can’t live on love or fame or happiness.

Something has to underwrite all of them. Think of it as blood supply provided by the almighty dollar.

Sorry to dust up your fantasies.

Imagine yourself a middle-aged man with no money in the bank and you’re better off with a bullet in your head.

In fact, everyone is better of with a bullet in your head.

Sage advice:

Money first, everything else second.

Then you can learn to play the piano, write a book, or grow your own vegetables and everyone will think you’re a genius.

You’re welcome.

The Rich Fantasy Lives of Urban Middle-Aged Men…and the Cognitive Skills to Survive Them.

winners-never-give-up

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me.”
As the smile ran away from his face
“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place…” Piano Man, Billy Joel

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

1] Why am I not a rock star?

2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?

3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?

4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?

5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?

6] Where is my entourage?

7]\ Where am I?

8] Who am I?

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

If any of this sounds familiar, welcome to midlife, a precarious period in a man’s life, usually between the ages of 48 and 64, when everything you did in your life is now done and everything ahead is on thin ice.

While most of these items listed are exaggerations, the psychopathology behind them is everything but.

To combat this aberration of thought [self-persecution], I’d like to start an exercise I rely on to get me through the noise when it’s so loud I want to take up cliff diving.

First, I want you to put your hands on a Magic Marker. I prefer black ink because its more direct.

Then, get a large sketch pad which you can find at any Office Max.

Now, open the marker and draw a straight line down the center of the page.

On the left, write down the question you’re pondering; the one that triggers rage, anxiety and depression.

For our purposes here, let’s start with question #1:

#1] Why am I not a rock star?

For most of us, the right side of the column will look something like this:

a] Because I’m not a professional musician.

b] Because I chose to attend Business school in Rhode Island rather than sleep on the streets in Hollywood.

c] Because I’m risk-averse, in general.

Excellent. So now you’re answering your own questions and can now go back to enjoying your lunch.

#2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?

a] Because I’m not in the radio business.

b] Because I have never been in the radio business.

c] Because I had no interest in the radio business until “Rush Limbaugh” made me rethink that decision.

#3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?

a] Because Stephen Colbert just took it.

b] Because you’re not a stand-up comedian.

c] Because you’re not, nor have you ever been, in the television business, and therefore, neither you nor Mr. Colbert are in competition.

#4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?

a] Are you currently a professional actor? If not, scratch the first one. 

b] TV appearances usually involve people who either survived a jump out of a commercial airliner without a parachute, or those born into a celebrity families they can’t wait to tell the world about. 

c] As for “7-figure book deals” NOT involving celebrity gossip, you might ask yourself if you’ve ever written a book, much less taken a course in high school English. 

#5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?

a] Most celebrities cannot afford to own Gulfstream aircraft, so they buy timeshares in them.

b] The oil and gas company you’ve been working for has a fleet of 7 Gulfstreams. If you had become a Vice-President, you’d been flying on one yourself.

c] Most people who can afford to outright own their own jets were usually born into the money. The rest you can count on two hands.

#6] Where is my entourage?

a] You have a wife, three kids, two cats and a Labrador Retriever. Isn’t that enough?

b] Once you’re past a certain age the last thing you want is to be bothered by an entourage, much less anything – or anyone with their hand out. 

c] Entourages are for elite professional boxers who will probably blow through everything before they hit your age. Way before. I can name names you already know.

#7] Where am I?

a] By this, most middle-aged men are referring to where they are in the context of their lives and accomplishments. So start jotting down your accomplishments – without comparing them with people you don’t know, but can’t stop hearing about.

b] If you’re still healthy, reasonably happy, and financially secure at middle age, you’re a celebrity to anyone who is not. 

c] If you have a swimming pool in addition to everything else, you deserve a backhand from God.

And finally…

#8] Who am I?

a] I might suggest ancestry.com.

If this isn’t what you’re referring to, dial 911. 

Middle-Aged Men in Bars

a man sitting by at a bar with a glass of alcohol in his hand

When I was in my 30’s and 40’s I had lots of single friends who spent an inordinate amount of time in bars.

We were all in shape, health conscious, and forever hoping to one day stumble upon someone who shared our journey.

It wasn’t that we necessarily expected anything monumental to occur, but we couldn’t preclude the possibility, which was the real hook.

Then down the road we met “the one” and the bar days were over.

For many there was marriage, children and career which went on for 20 or 30 years until it all fell apart and they were back at the same bars, hunting the same fantasies.

Understand that older men don’t spend all their time with hookers in Aspen, Monaco, and the Swiss Alps – or have an interest in attending endless galas and benefits.

Many of us do what we’ve always done: Work, go to the gym, and, at the end of the day, find ourselves alone.

I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

So now what?

Are we supposed to sit home and read history books about dead people?

We may not look like people half our age, but we share similar hopes and dreams where lust and love are concerned.

I know this is irksome, provoking queasiness in the young, but as long as we are alive and well, this is what you can expect from us.

When you’re older you’ll understand.

You might also notice that the very second one of your buddies meets the woman of his dreams, he’ll disappear from your life like an exploding star, never to be seen or heard from again until his relationship fails, at which point your phone will start ringing off the hook at age 50.

See, unlike women, men tend to go to ground and hoard, while they find a middle ground between commitment and an exit strategy.

This is why bars these days are filled men of all ages, your existential nightmares notwithstanding.

“Dadbods” and the Soccer Moms Who Love Them

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In this photograph, Leonardo DiCaprio sports the sexy new “Dadbod.”

http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-life/leonardo-dicaprios-dadbod-is-the-new-hot-body-type-for-men/

I added a second link below of a survey of women who seem to prefer a bit of flab over super fit by a wide margin [no puns].

http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-community/75-women-prefer-flab-abs/

~~~   ~~~   ~~~

Men of my age [and socioeconomic demographic] feel entitled to physically beautiful women because beautiful women feel entitled to men of relative achievement and success.

The more success = the more beauty.

It’s a simple equation that cuts both ways.

And while no one complains about both parties being in top physical condition, women are less inclined to appreciate what they consider to be physical competition.

Why?

1] It makes them feel less secure about their bodies than they already do, no matter how beautiful they happen to be.

2] It makes aging an even bigger existential nightmare than it already is since older people look worse than younger people no matter what Koolaid you’re drinking. 

3] It forces women to sleep with one eye open knowing other women are angling for their successful – and damn good looking– husbands, which places even more pressure on them to remain physically flawless, even though it’s physically impossible.

SUMMARY

While most in-shape women would probably consider DiCaprio out of shape and in dire need of a bra, they would also be the first ones in line should he express an interest in them.

The same cannot be said of men if the woman in question happened to be physically unattractive.

This disparity is at the crux of the phenomenon.

Bad Lighting the Leading Cause of Spontaneous Low Self-Esteem Among Middle-Aged People…[or any people over the age of 17]

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http://thoughtcatalog.com/emma-golden/2014/02/dear-nordstroms-dressing-rooms-please-stop/

I don’t care how good you think you look, how many days a week you work out, how clean you eat, how smoke-free you are, how moderately you drink, how much rest you get, how hydrated you stay, or how reasonable your stress levels – one day you will find yourself trying on bathing suits at Nordstrom’s and walking out with your therapist on the phone.

Blame the lighting.

Fluorescent lighting has shown to agitate, depress and turn violent aging rats, so you know its true of humans.

Of course, kids love bright lights.

They can see themselves and everyone else with crystal clarity, imperfections and all…which is the point since you can’t find any.

They aren’t conscious of harsh shadows, crows feet, sagging skin, thinning hair, or any of the other line items of attrition that aging ushers forth in the rest of us with a smirk.

Old people also like bright light because they don’t want to trip on something and break a hip. It also bears noting that because they’re old beyond anything lighting can further damage, vanity isn’t on the table. Now it’s just plain physical survival.

Additional note: Old people also tend to read things once known as newspapers, which don’t project, but rather absorb light.

For the rest of us, it’s an existential nightmare.

In my case, bright overhead lights can trigger ocular migraines, and sometimes, the things I cited about rats.

With lighting being such a big deal to people caught between youth and old age [the same demographic with all the money and power], why then do businesses not seem to take this into account?

Let’s take a look at the 5 worst offenders, “1” being the worst:

#1 Department Store dressing rooms.

#2 Restaurants

#3 Coffee shops

#4 Office buildings

#5 Art galleries

~~~  ~~~  ~~~

#1 Walk into most department store dressing rooms [Nordstrom’s being the worst], and every positive thought you ever had about the the way you look – all the trials and tribulations you endured to get there – are now in ruin.

When I enter the dressing rooms at Neiman Marcus in Houston, there are two sets of lights: One set in the front, and one behind. They are controlled by light switches next to the door. What I do is turn off the ones in front of me and use the back lights as fill-only. They are indirect, so what I experience is bounced light [off the back wall] which is plenty enough to fill in all the spaces without burning out my brain cells. The guys who bring clothing to me often flick the other switch back on when entering the dressing room as if something was wrong, but explain to them that something will be wrong if they touch it again, they get the idea.

See, their idea is to highlight the clothing, while the customer is far more interested in seeing how animate and inanimate objects work together.

If I ran a department store, the first thing I would take into consideration is how good I can get my customers to feel about themselves in my $1000 jackets.

#2 Have you ever wondered why restaurants are such dumb-asses about lighting? You have all these people spending a fortune on clothing and prep time to come to your establishment to look the best they possibly can, and you single-handedly destroy their evening with your crappy drugstore lighting. When I walk into ANY high-end restaurant, I have the same expectations I have of live theater. Great performances under beautiful light. Unfortunately, that table for 4 in the corner corner has a spotlight on one of the seats, which is why the last person to arrive gets it.

Restaurants should make flattering light a priority, but for whatever reason don’t. There are exceptions, but not many.

Note: I have offered my lighting advice to restauranteurs throughout Houston, but have yet to find a taker. Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

#3  Coffee shops are places people go to socialize and/or get work done outside of the house. But they’re greater purpose is providing a more civilized environment to hook up under the pretense of everything but. With this in mind, would it not best serve the financial objectives of these establishments to make them as comfortable [and flattering] as possible? Notice that, once again, most people tend to sit in the seats without the halogen over them like a death star.

#4 Yesterday I had the occasion to walk into the sales offices of my health club. What I noticed was that the entrance area was lit with florescence, but every individual was lit like a psychiatrist’s office: Warm, soothing, and serene enough to calm even the most anxiety-ridden patient. No wonder the place has over 7000 members.

#5  Art galleries must come to a place of acceptance that the art on display is secondary to how people feel about themselves when looking at it. I can’t count the number of galleries [many of the same ones I exhibit in], that place spot lights on both the art and the people viewing it. Why is this? Please tell me why we need to light the people in attendance?!? Is is laziness? Stupidity? Both? I don’t get it. Focus on the art, flatter the people and the sales will mount. Enough already.

SUMMARY

Not everyone is like me.

Some people my age just don’t care what they look like.

I’ve been told this is true, but have yet to meet any of these people.

 

According to New Reports, Middle Age Lasts Until 74

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Pierce Brosnan, 61

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11539573/Middle-age-now-lasts-until-74-as-baby-boomers-refuse-to-grow-old.html

“For many people, 70 is the new 50 and signifies the quiet revolution that has taken place in longevity”

…………….

Among the many trending narratives of the day is the one about Baby Boomers who refuse to age, as if that’s a bad thing.

Would you want to age “gracefully” if you didn’t have to?

Before you answer this question, allow me to put forth my definition of “graceful aging:”

“The process by which a middle-aged male agrees to accept natural physical attrition in exchange for a gated community in Florida.”

In my view [and I’m not alone] this is akin to suicide in slow motion, otherwise known among my circle as the dragging out of the end to eternity until you can’t remember where it all started.

So no.

I don’t know anyone willing to “let go” unless they’re in a psych ward for clinical depression or dying of colon cancer.

An average man who retired in 2012 can expect to live until the age of 86.2 years, while a woman who turned 65 last year would have 23.9 years still to live on average, the ONS estimates.

That’s a lot of time to “drift.”

In my socioeconomic demographic. men are often in the best shape of their adult lives, working out regularly, eating right, getting medical check-ups on an annual basis, and making damn sure their teeth look better than they did when they were in their 20’s, among other things. Believe me, I could go on.

I might also add to this [because it wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t], that most of the men to whom I’m referring are well-educated, urban folk of an upper income variety.

They tend to be ambitious, successful men who carry these traits with them throughout their lives, which are then shaped and molded by the pressures of big city life.

These are not frumpy men in cardigans and distended bellies.

They’re a lot like men half their age, only richer, wiser…and, in some cases, more mature.

They take their health seriously because they would rather go out in a blaze of glory than to fade into irrelevance and obscurity.

Examples in popular culture alone are legion.

Such men don’t lay down for the next generation not only because they’re not finished with their own, but because the generation behind them represents the lion’s share of the women they date and marry.

If this trend continues, and I see no reason it won’t, the next generation will consider a man of 50 “young” and his wife of 25 age-relevant.

 

Older Man “Lost”

MidLife

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/11425655/Why-do-so-many-middle-aged-men-feel-so-lost.html

“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of being the co-washer-upper and feeder…”

The article describes “middle-aged” men to be in the 45-54 range, but based on my own personal experience, I would raise the upper end to 62.

The angst to which the article refers began for me in my mid to late 40’s when I first came to the realization that I was no longer a young man of endless promise, but rather, a fully assembled commodity.

Has my professional life been well spent? Should I have taken another path? If so, why didn’t I? Does my current line of work have more juice in the tank, or am I running on fumes? Who am I? 

We start adding up our attributes, our accomplishments – whatever we think belongs in the plus column – then subtract our perceived liabilities, and come up with a number we hope we can live with. 

If not, we tend to do one of three things:

1] Taunt the hand of fate with alcohol and crack.

2] Buy things we can’t afford.

3] Pretend to be someone we’re not. 

I don’t believe any of these require further explanation, particularly the last one.

The unfortunate truth about contemporary life is that the timeline to produce wealth is relatively short.

In that time we are expected to amass a nest-egg capable of producing income without our having to punch a time clock or cash a paycheck.

That’s a lot of pressure.

So let’s say you’re 50 and just lost your 300k/year job. Now what?

If you don’t have income-producing savings, you go through what savings you do have in a heartbeat.

Then your wife leaves you. Your “friends” disappear. You’re alone. Really alone. Too alone without the coping skills necessary to move past the obstacles.

You’re officially in crisis.

It’s too late to change things. You’re merely surplus in a hungry world. You perform no function and, are thus, forced from the herd.

Making matters worse, men are not particularly flexible, and don’t bond well with other men, which makes for a far more difficult passage through this period in life.

The article suggests that men reject the old masculine code that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt,” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Without the ability to bond through the rough times, middle-aged men are damned to a life of painful reflection.

it is only through emotional connectedness that we can begin to discover meaning, hope and resurrection from the outdated models that set the bar for men so high – and room for deviation so narrow – that most simply can not handle the journey.

In my life I have known quite a few men who took their own lives after a divorce or the loss of substantial capital. There was nothing left to turn to. They had done it all and lost it all in a flash.

This is how older men tend to see themselves: Reflections of their accomplishments.

When the fruits of their accomplishments are gone, they go with them.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones don’t fall in the “accomplishments” category as many men subconsciously assume that the people in their lives value them solely in dollar bills.