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Birth of the Middle-Aged “Moderation” Mantra

moderation1-600x314

No matter what we do to stay in shape, eat right, get enough rest, and take time out of our busy lives to have some semblance of a functional personal life, a Nor’easter is on the way.

So two days ago I got news that my new book, Urban Dystrophy, was on press. That afternoon I hit a personal record [PR] in the gym, and late that day, I heard news from my Internist that my blood work was excellent.

What could go wrong? Right?

At 7:PM I had a great meal at home, cleaned up, walked in the dark [always a bad move] towards the bedroom to watch Criminal Minds on my Macbook Pro, and out of nowhere slipped on a plastic coat hanger.

See, normally I don’t leave coat hangers in the middle of the floor, but my French Bulldog, Zeppelin, does.

So everything is suddenly in slow motion except for the subtle “POP” emanating from my knee. Specifically, the meniscus.

Now folks, if I were 22, this would be no big deal. Back then I was injured more than not, and didn’t think much about it. It would heal, and in the meantime I would do whatever I did around it.

I didn’t lapse into some existential hell-hole assuming the worst: I will never recover, my quality of life is shot in spite of my best efforts, the stars have it out for me, God is pissed.

But this is what middle-aged guys tend do when anything goes wrong. We assume the worst because we’ve spent a lifetime hearing news of the worst, which seems to happen to people more and more frequently as they age.

The psychological impact of even the slightest injury is magnified a thousand times.

The primary reason for this is academic: We recover a lot more slowly than we did back when we were in our 20’s, and at this juncture in life, we have less time to heal. 

This is why so many middle-aged guys practice “moderation,” otherwise known as living to avoid injury.

The problem with this practice is that it takes life down a notch to a level of competitive mediocrity, and thus, yields mediocre results. Eventually, time advances at twice the pace of the body, and instead of spraining a knee, I break a friggin’ hip. This is why you have to train hard, but smart.

Having said this, the “coat hangar” will always be there, waiting to throw us off guard. Our job is to be ready to handle any eventuality to the best of our ability — no matter what it is, and moderation only assures an even more disastrous result.

POSTSCRIPT: This morning my cat attacked my leg.

 

“Middle Aged” vs “Senior Citizen”

posted in Journal on by Comments Off on “Middle Aged” vs “Senior Citizen”

middle-aged-man_1829805c-e1308868759468

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/02/elderly-senior-citizens-middle-age-aged_n_1471176.html

First of all, nobody knows what constitutes middle-aged anymore than they do “old,” otherwise known and/or referred to as Senior Citizen.

Surveys indicate, however, that most people consider “old’ anyone over the age of 80. At this juncture, I agree. If I reach 80 and am still in great shape, I may disagree. It depends on how I feel, which is probably how most people gauge it.

As a Baby-Boomer myself [born smack in the middle of 1946 and 1964], I have no reliable frame of reference because I am a member of a tiny ecosystem of people who stayed in shape my entire life. The people I train around are all ages and it’s no walk in the friggin’ park.

Staying in shape requires a complete lifestyle adjustment for you civilians contemplating a jump start to a sedentary life. It may even mean divorcing your spouse once you realize that lethargy can be a form of cold-blooded murder in slow motion.

This sounds a bit histrionic, but doesn’t mean it isn’t true.

 

10 ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY NECESSARY STEPS TO GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK:

1] If you’re married, make sure your spouse is on board with your new fitness lifestyle. If not, you may have to divorce her, which is considered normal under these circumstances.

2] Understand that physical changes will catalyze psychological changes that may affect your relationship.

3] Get 8 hours of quality sleep.

4] Keep stress levels low.

5] Hydrate with water. Vodka does not count in spite of its high water content.

6] Moderation is a myth. Training is tough, so train tough.

7] Recovery takes twice as long as it used to take, so get a handle on this before you end up in the emergency room or psych’s couch.

8] Eat healthy and clean. You get used to it, believe me. Especially the way it makes you feel.

9] Maintain an active sex life. It will remind you that you’re still alive. This is also one reason many people say age is only a number.

10] Once you’re in shape, avoid any articles about “senior fitness” if you want to sidestep depression and/or suicide.

Hope this helps

 

Delusion as Addictive as Cheeseburgers in L.A.

posted in Journal on by Comments Off on Delusion as Addictive as Cheeseburgers in L.A.

russell-crowe-noah

http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/jan/05/russell-crowe-female-actors-should-act-their-age

 

I’m not going to sit here and tell you Russel Crowe is a dick for suggesting women in their 40’s get a grip.

What I am going to do is applaud him for having the balls to call bullshit on delusion.

The politically correct thing to do is to go along with feminist narratives so you don’t come across as a misogynist. But the more you go along with them the more out of touch with reality you become, until eventually, you’re back in group with all the other guys who tried “enlightenment” only to learn that erections don’t lie.

 

 

Madonna and Her Battle for Relevance in the Middle Years

madonna-living-for-love-music-video

http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/6487469/madonna-compares-ageism-against-her-to-racism-and-homophobia

Madonna Louise Ciccone [aka Madonna] was born in Bay City, Michigan on August 16, 1958, which makes her 56 years of age. Her career started in 1979 and since that time she has amassed a fortune exceeding $800 million dollars doing exactly what she wanted to do with her life, which is pretty much everything a human being could possibly hope to do in one lifetime, or 100 for that matter.

The tailwind from her career would be enough to propel most clinical narcissists into old age without the help of a therapist, but not Madonna. No. She demands the world see her the way that it did 30 years ago, in spite if the fact that it is 30 years later.

In light of this, it’s no surprise that she levels charges of “ageism” as if that’s going to somehow guilt-trip her fans into some sort of collective hallucination.

The poor woman just fell off the stage during a comeback performance, for god’s sake. That’s about as bad as it gets for a cultural icon that uses fame the way human beings use blood.

Youth is gone, Louise. I’m sorry. I feel it, too. So does everyone else our age. But we don’t do ourselves any favors trying to be something we’re not. If you want to believe the applause you receive from aging women and drag queens constitutes transcendence, I’m sorry.

I remember seeing Madonna at NYC nightclubs back in the late 70’s. She was unknown, striking, wildly creative, and always blitzing for attention. She leveraged the currency of youth to achieve her objectives when she had it in spades. Some people are fortunate that way. Personal conviction is something most of us have to earn over time.

Nonetheless, after many decades of Madonna being Madonna, her relevance is vanishing. And while in all likelihood she can still fill arenas, the reason has everything to do with nostalgia and nothing whatsoever to do with another successful reinvention.

If she wants to act, let her act. Meryl Streep still does it. If she wants to make a nightclub appearance here and there, maybe belt out an old jazz standard, go for it. Woody Allen has a regular gig at Café Carlyle in New York. It’s all good.

With these thoughts in mind, I regret to say that I can no longer rock my crimson Spandex in the gym, in spite of the fact that I haven’t aged a day since 1979.

Getting-readyAs I’ve said a million times before, women ARE NOT OBJECTS!