PARIS, FRANCE – JANUARY 12: French troops patrol around the Eifel Tower on January 12, 2015 in Paris, France. France is set to deploy 10,000 troops to boost security following last week’s deadly attacks while also mobilizing thousands of police to patrol Jewish schools and synagogues. (Photo by Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images)
If you’re a cantankerous old coot, stoop-shouldered, brittle and in competition with cyanide gas for personality of the year, I’m not surprised.
Chances are your career is in the rear-view mirror; your wife of 50 years no longer recognizes the fearless and inspired man she once married; and the creeping specter of invisibility and irrelevance shadow you like ghoul with a scythe.
I bring this up in response to a recent encounter at my health club with a member of the undead.
Note: The following is a true story and one well worth broaching with a psychiatrist should you happen to find allusions to your own psychopathology in any of it.
~~~
“Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air.” John Quincy Adams
~~~
“Once upon a time …” Jacob Grimm
~~~
Subtlety is not one of my virtues.
But I am also not without compassion, empathy or remorse.
So while I’m not a particularly soft touch, I’m no sociopath.
To wit, the other day I found myself at the gym doing some lower back exercises when I noticed to my immediate left an older gentleman performing an exercise that, to be perfectly honest, defied explanation.
He was bent over at the waist holding two rubber grips, attempting to perform what I assumed to be bicep curls.
Mindful of the crusty and often paranoid nature of many such men, I made friendly inquiry into exactly what it was that he was trying to accomplish.
“Are you working your back?”
“No! I’m working my biceps as you can see!” he said with a huff.
I have to admit that I don’t do well in situations like these.
I was trying to be helpful and his response to me didn’t sit well.
Most people would take the hint and drop it, but I’m not most people.
I went in.
“You realize you’re working your back with those limited motion pulls, right? Your biceps aren’t even engaged.”
With that, I thought the man was on the precipice of a seizure as his face turned a dark shade of scarlet.
“I teach physical therapy! I know exactly what I’m doing!!!” he yelled like a man at a Devil’s Crossroads.
“Really?” I went on.
“Then don’t you have the vaguest idea what you’re doing?”
He threw down the grips and stormed off back into his own Private Idaho, I assume.
What he failed to appreciate was the fact that I acknowledged him at all.
~~~
I bring this up because many older men die long before they’re technically declared dead by a coroner.
You can hear it in their voices, see it in their fading stature and presence, feel in the acerbic tone of their discourse.
Whatever once stood firm is not translucent, vaporous almost.
This man was no more than his late 60’s, and yet came across as a man dragged by his ears straight from Purgatory to endure another day of irrelevance in broad daylight.
Life does not have to be this way.
I know men 10 years his senior who stand tall, push hard, maintain relevance in every way.
They do not crumble under the pressure of years, but rather, they take stock of their blessings and carve them into lasting monuments that light the way for succeeding generations.
I have never heard a single criticism or missive from a young man or woman about any older person who maintains dignity and strength in the face of time. Never. Not once.
They are the way forward for all of us, to follow as beacons of hope while navigating the passage of years.
I honor all of them. Hats off.
This is what aging is supposed to look like, to be.
This is its gift to us all.
On a related note, there is a 78-year-old man [guy] at my gym who hangs out with the rest of us in a way that feels almost timeless.
Has he had his share of ailments over the decades? Yes.
As he said to me, “I may have been through hell and back in this lifetime, but what I learned from all of it is that none of us are perfect, but almost as few have the courage to persevere.”
Amen to that.
POSTSCRIPT
Aging is a bitch.
Nothing works the way it once did.
Joints ache, muscles take longer to heal.
You look in the mirror and see the lines, the changing face of time.
These are things that none of us can escape.
What we can escape is how we approach the war, and yes, a war it is.
life is not for the faint-hearted.
And while youth and beauty have their own unique merits, no one ever appreciates it until it’s gone.
And by then, pray you have a mentor who can help you get through it one piece.
In the end, I guess you could say that my attempt to contribute something to the aforementioned man’s life on that gym floor is the same contribution I attempt to make on the lives of men half my age.
Getting older is a time in life for sharing, for giving back, for making the world a better, more inspired place for everyone.
© Credit: Peter Hince/Getty Images Man at Sea Side Holding Bottle of Beer, Mid Section Credit: Peter Hince/Getty Images
What you’re looking at is a cliche that massacres every tenet of urban survival.
You know what I’m talking about.
This notwithstanding, I know very few middle-aged men who look like this guy.
Most of us have too much self-respect to allow ourselves to fall into complete ruin.
I might also add that I live in a very small world, given the the preponderance of obesity in America.
In a nutshell, this study [see article] concludes that middle-aged Americans, classified as those between the ages of 45 and 54 – emphasis on those with less education – were more likely to die in middle age due to suicide or alcohol and drug poisoning.
The culprit, according to the study, is the 2008 financial collapse.
But the study also found that black, Hispanic and all other older Americans (65 and up) have continued to see longer lives.
Why is this?
The article doesn’t address it, but I can: Money.
In other words, if you weren’t screwed completely in 2008, you’re probably going to live a long healthy life.
6 KEY ELEMENTS
It’s been my experience that 6 key elements must be in place in order for an older man to stay at the top of his game.
…and all of them are tangentially related to money.
So here goes [surprise surprise]:
1] Financial security
Notes: Money is always thicker than blood. It’s first in line followed closely by everything else.
You’ll need enough to cover the cost of a nice place to live, a reliable car, a health club membership…and, of course, Whole Foods.
The rest of your life can take care of itself if Whole Foods doesn’t break you first.
2] Supportive wife or partner
Notes: If you’ve been married a long time and your wife is out of shape, she will probably want you to be out of shape so she doesn’t have to worry about being dumped.
This is a bigger problem than you might imagine and a bigger hurdle than many of you will even want to consider after seeing #1.
3] Healthy lifestyle
Notes: Wife/partner or not, a healthy lifestyle is the only way to age well. Not aging well is not worth the ride. It’s also 10 times the cost.
4] Culture group that supports and encourages your objectives
Notes: People who live healthy lifestyles tend to hang around others who share their values.
If the group you’re in begins to remind you of your own demise, find another group.
Remember, life doesn’t give a crap what you do. It only sees the bottom line.
Any psychiatrist will tell you this for $200.00, but you’ll have to be able to fork over $200.00, plus additional therapy if coping with not having enough becomes a problem.
5] Comfort with technology
Notes: Generally speaking, the older men I know are very comfortable with technology.
While this may stand out as incongruous with the previous 4 bullet points, it’s everything but.
While technology helps keep us relevant, being on a first name basis with the people at the Apple store can be as expensive as gambling addiction.
6] Don’t isolate
Interacting with others is crucial to one’s mental health.
Some guys talk about leaving everything behind and heading off into the sunset on a wing and a prayer.
Of course, Icarus tried the same thing and it didn’t end well.
I guess he couldn’t afford therapy.
The world’s greatest erotic art of today, Vol. 5 features one of my images shot 10 over years ago after a failed relationship pushed me to the brink of madness…before pulling me back in with twice the strength.
Middle age is not for the faint of heart.
Let’s talk.
Up Next!
John Varvatos was born February 1, 1966, which means he missed the Baby Boom by 2 years.
Note: Baby Boom lasted from 1946-1964.
This notwithstanding, he captures the spirit of my generation better than any designer in memory. Period.
~~~
As I gotten older I seem to grow closer to my roots.
I guess it’s true what they say about early impressions being the strongest.
Most therapists would be willing to corroborate this for $200.00, by the way.
Anyway, my deepest passions were those rooted in music, specifically, rock ‘n’ roll.
Why this is I don’t know, because while others were off playing soccer, I sat in dark rooms with electric guitars and vinyl records, playing and replaying Clapton licks, among others.
My dorm room was plastered with glossy posters of Ozzy, Zeppelin, The Who, Cream, Hendrix and other musical gods of the day.
Empty packs of guitar strings were scattered all over the place, picks even worse.
I think it’s safe to say my adolescence was experienced through the fulcrum of music.
Then time passed, decades, and here I find myself with the same music, the same string and keyed instruments, and library of music I can’t live without.
So one day I’m walking through The Galleria in Houston when I happen upon the new John Varvatos store.
Feeling transported back to a place where it all started is to grossly understate the experience.
Joplin’s “Down On Me” was in the air, rock biographies neatly stacked on shelves under framed film photographs of rock stars.
…and the clothing!
Wow.
Seriously?
Could this really be?
Did I actually find my long lost home in the world of John Varvatos?
At this writing my closet looks like his showroom, with a few exceptions, very few.
Once I got my hands on those threads 90% of my clothing went the way of the wind.
Finally a designer was channeling the same vibe.
Though my career has been spent as a photographer and writer, nothing keeps me more tethered to myself than music.
Obviously, I’m not alone.
Brilliant ad. Generations merged.
http://www.mystrengthforlife.com/relationship-with-perfect-physique-time/
Shawn and I are Facebook friends.
We have never met, though I had long-standing professional relationship with his brother, Bill, as a cover and editorial photographer for Muscle Media and Energy magazines.
Shawn posted this essay on Facebook recently, and I decided to share it here.
It speaks to the wisdom of age and how it challenges our perceptions of life and how many of us live it.
~~~
Everyone already knows the benefits of a healthy lifestyle.
To the faithful, I’m preaching to the choir.
But like everything else in life – and I mean everything – we reach a point of diminishing returns.
Training 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, AND eating perfectly, AND getting enough rest and recovery tend to sideline everything else, like family, friends, and loved ones who will eventually forget your name in the process.
The fact is there isn’t enough time in a day to do everything you want to do if other people in your life mean anything to you.
All those hours in the gym, on the track, in the pool mean what if you have nothing else in your life?
Your world gets really small, really fast.
This becomes more obvious at middle age when the time available to balance health and family are on a short fuse.
The time have come to reassess priorities if you want to live a fulfilling life.
Middle age is a wake-up call for men who’ve lived their lives for themselves: their goals, their objectives…themselves.
It’s fine when you’re in your 20’s and chasing a gold medal, or in your 30’s 80-hour weeks and endless travel are the only way to financial freedom.
But once you hit your middle 40’s – and beyond – you realize that the most important things in life involve people other than yourself.
In other words “being 7% bodyfat, ripped and living your life obsessed with fitness, exercise and some radical diet” is not a panacea.
Coming from a guy recognized as the epitome of fitness, this is something worth pondering.
THE GYM WORLD
At my gym there are more exercise addicted middle-aged men than there are gold-diggers, which is saying a lot in a town like Houston.
These men live for themselves all day, all night until one morning while on another in an endless series of runs, a torn Achilles tendon flips the switch and all they have left is a wheelchair in an empty room.
I’ve seen it more times than I can count.
Most of these men are single, divorced, living alone.
No cats. No dogs. Nothing to slow them down, interfere with the seamless obsession with me.
To those of us who’ve been around a while, we know the symptoms well.
The carrying on about how “working out is better than the alternative,” and “addiction is in the eye of the beholder” crap is as transparent as an open door.
Addicts with ever-shrinking lives memorize every excuse in the book to justify what they do.
But in the end, they’re talking to themselves because the rest of us have left destiny to do what it does best, which is pummel the weak.
As Shawn says [and I’ll leave it to his article to elaborate], “if you are using fitness to chase self-esteem vs. using self-esteem to fuel your fitness, you are on the infinite treadmill to nowhere.”
I finally leaned the meaning of this around the time I hit my 50th birthday and landed in a hospital with a high fever and sky-high liver enzymes due to over-exercise.
My life looked a lot like the people I describe.
I was told to stay out of the gym for a month, get a trainer who could help me get my workouts back in balance…and maybe see a shrink for what was obviously exercise addiction.
I was single, self-obsessed, spiritually lost.
Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom before we can land on our feet.
Long story short, I now cross-train with weights 3 days a week for 1 hour, not 3.
I do 1 hour of cardio, stretching and foam rolling on the days in between, and take a day off.
I still eat well, but I allow myself to enjoy a glass of wine, french toast, and yes, the occasional caramel chocolate treat.
And since I’m not working out all day long, I also have time to spend time with the woman in my life and our zoo of animals.
It took a long time for me to learn and appreciate the art of balance, but now that I have I have never felt so fulfilled, or been more productive.
It’s amazing how much time you can waste chasing your tail.
Thanks for that, Shawn.
I’ve covered this couple in another blog [search bar], but I thought it was worth further mention, given Sally Wood’s illuminating comments.
Among them:
Speaking of their age gap, Sally told the Telegraph: ‘Um, well, I know it’s there. And I wish it wasn’t, but it is. I think I had to say “I can’t do this because of the age”, or I just had to let it go and take it all on board. At no point, years ago, did I say to myself: “I think I’ll go out with someone twice my age”, but that is what has happened.’
Up Next!
As everyone this age already knows, life is not exactly a joyride in the absence of cash.
You look down the road and there’s nothing to see but a tunnel and a light because there is nothing else.
As everyone by now knows, the most important thing in the world is health followed closely by money.
The rest can wait.
According to Vanguard’s How America Saves 2014, which provides statistics about the more than 3 million people who have a defined contribution retirement plan managed by Vanguard, the median 401(k) balance for those over 55 was less than $75,000 in 2013:
Please explain to me how the hell you’re going to hang out in Cabo or Aspen without a large career income or passive income from investments?
You’re not.
You’re going to stay home with your cats and hope your death is swift and painless because the rest isn’t worth the journey.
TWO EXCEPTIONS
1] Yogis
2] Tenured University Professors
In the first case, the senior yogi may live in a tree, but women in his classes find his acetic existence and peaceful vibe an extraordinarily attractive alternative to the wolves of Wall Street.
So he can expect to get laid by beautiful women who don’t care what he doesn’t have until they do, at which time they go back to the wolves for another round.
Tenured university professors make a couple hundred grand a year, never lose their jobs, get Summers off, and hold the destinies of their students in their hands.
It kinda’ sells itself.
The only problem is that most women at ivy league schools envision large homes in nice neighborhoods, expensive cars, private schools for their kids, and at least 3 vacations a year.
Needless to say, his salary won’t cut that, nor will his eventual savings which are destined for social security support.
So we’re back to square one.
With this as a backdrop, how exactly do Baby Boomers acquire enough capital to retire comfortably without robbing the Federal Reserve or winning a slip and fall against Kroger?
First, they have to have something of value to sell that offers windfall potential.
What about their homes?
Yea, I’m laughing because homeowners between age 50 and 65 are most likely to carry a mortgage.
The percentage rose from 60% in 1992 to more than 70% by 2010.
What about saving more money?
For guys 50 and older looking at potentially 20 more years of putting whatever away, if you can invest an extra $5,000 per year for the next 15 years, you would have an extra $146,000 at age 65:
If you can leave it alone until 70, you could have approximately $220,000 in added net worth based on historical stock market averages.
But what kind of life are we looking at here?
Most people in better neighborhoods spend $200,000 in 6 months just maintaining their lifestyles.
You’ll be watching every single solitary bill, praying your roof doesn’t leak, and clipping coupons while annoying the people in line behind you at Whole Foods.
You’re better off dead.
The sad truth of the matter is that your priorities were ass-backwards back in your 20’s when you thought you were immortal because you could nail dates at the drop of a hat even if you couldn’t afford to take them to Jack-In-The-Box.
It didn’t take long to notice that no matter what you looked like all the wealthy older men were taking your girlfriends to the Bahamas for the weekend.
Then it dawned on you that youth and beauty only work for highly-precisioned gold-diggers of exceptional beauty; actors, models and entertainers with the wings of angels; and singers like Robert Plant.
And since you couldn’t find a niche for yourself in any of the above, you were screwed.
After all, what’s the point in getting old if you can’t afford to enjoy it?
People are always talking about people pursuing things they love.
But understand that love is always secondary to common sense.
If piano tuning does not pave the way for millions in an investment account by age 50, do something you hate.
You’ll love yourself in the end.
POSTSCRIPT
For you older men of average means who have daughters of exceptional beauty, please explain to them how to leverage what they do have in exchange for everything you don’t so you can piggy-back on their success.
You’re welcome.
~~~
A FEW TRUTHS ABOUT MONEY
1] Lots of money won’t make you happy, but not enough of it will make you miserable.
2] One million dollar homes in large cities are often tear downs situated in up and coming neighborhoods.
3] 250k/ year is considered upper middle class.
4] When politicians talk about raising taxes on “millionaires and billionaires” they’re including everyone who falls in #3.
5] The average 0ne bedroom suite at a luxury hotel property is $1000/night and everything else is a la carte.
6] Dining out in a big city usually costs $200 on up with wine and tip.
7] The average luxury automobile starts in the $80,000 range.
8] Whole Foods bills usually run 20k-30k/year with wine.
9] Luxury handbags usually run $2000, and women’s shoes, $500-1000 which you’ll need to keep in mind if you happen to live with a woman.
10] First Class airfare from Houston to Los Angeles is in the $1200 to $1400 range. Double it if you’re taking your girlfriend.
The guy you see in the foreground is me.
Directly behind me is a 9-year-old kid –– my competitor.
We will both perform what is referred to as an “icky-shuffle” that most know as ladder work.
This particular movement requires a lot of focus and agility rarely seen in males my age, but even more notably — HIS!
Yea, I was just as blown away.
Rock on, kid!
Seriously?
Some people claim I’m in denial, that my chronological age has had such a devastating impact on my self-esteem that my only recourse is to pretend that I’m somewhere else in life.
This could not be farther from the truth.
My real problem is with stereotypes about aging, and how they never apply to me.
Ever notice that whenever there’s a product targeting “mature adults” the photo caption resembles the one above?
Who the hell are these people? Certainly not “me.”
I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I never grew up. I was fortunate enough not to have to: No kids, always self-employed, fitness-obsessed, financially free.
I did what I wanted to do [more or less] and nothing has changed.
I have friends of all ages, both men and women; gay, straight and somewhere in between, religious and not…some brighter than others.
It doesn’t matter to me. The murkier the merrier as long as they’re good people who haven’t given up on themselves.
With this in mind, there are many “well-known and respected” blogs written in large part by physicians who target the Baby Boom generation.
The vast majority focus their attention on those at the very edge of that era, or people born somewhere in the vicinity of 1946.
The rest are ignored because they don’t fit the narrative.
In other words, if you’re not in your middle to late 60’s, you’re too young.
Nonetheless, these “medically-based” blogs are everywhere.
You can learn all about how to keep your aching joints healthy, check out the latest in pocket catheters, or discover the wonders of bingo.
Even my 83-year-old mother laughs at them, quite frankly.
This is why Baby Boomers like me feel so alienated by advertising that targets my age demographic.
For example, here’s a “typical” couple used in an ad for mature dating:
I know. Weird, right?
This is more like it:
So why don’t ads like this exist?
Because there aren’t enough people like this to justify the advertising cost, so they pander to the averages.
How about nutrition ads for dads that look like this?
…Instead of this:
I don’t personally know any couple that looks like this.
The woman could be his mother, for god’s sake.
But I have to assume that this is what advertisers think average couples look like.
Call me a juvenile delinquent, or clueless, or whatever. But it’s just not relevant to me or my demographic.
Here’s one more.
This is a typical group of older mature people lifting weights looks like:
Seriously?
This is what it looks like for me:
I’m not telling you that everyone I know is a consummate athlete.
But what I am saying is that many older men don’t come even close to fitting the stereotypes perpetrated by advertising agencies.
If I actually bought into the advertisers version of reality, I’d put a bullet in my head.
This isn’t a rant about denial. I know where I am in the scheme of things.
But I also know that I will never throw myself under the bus unless life takes a bigger chunk of flesh than I can afford to lose.
It better be huge ’cause I’m not going down without first going to the wall.
Remember, life’s not over ’til it’s over and not one second sooner.
10 RULES FOR SURVIVING THE BABY BOOM
1] DO WHAT YOU LOVE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT PART-TIME.
2] WORKOUT ON A DAILY BASIS. IT’S THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF.
3] CHALLENGE YOURSELF EVERY DAY.
4] GET A GRIP ON TECHNOLOGY. IT’S A NEW WORLD ORDER YOU DON’T WANT TO BE LEFT OUT OF.
5] CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, ALL PEOPLE. CONTRIBUTE, LISTEN, LEARN.
6] EAT CLEAN, LIVE CLEAN, THINK DIRTY THOUGHTS.
7] RUTS ARE LIKE SPEED-BUMPS. THEY COME AND GO. MAKE SURE THEY DON’T TAKE PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN YOUR LIFE.
8] NEVER, EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN’T DO, BE AND NOT BE.
9] BELIEVE IN YOURSELF OR NO ONE ELSE WILL, PARTICULARLY AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME.
10] YOU’RE ONLY AS IRRELEVANT AS YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE. STAY IN THE GAME OF LIFE AND YOU’LL GET ALL THE APPLAUSE YOU CAN HANDLE.
I only know this stuff because I see what happens to older men who buy into someone else’s version of the truth.
Godspeed.