Post Category → older men

Bad Lighting the Leading Cause of Spontaneous Low Self-Esteem Among Middle-Aged People…[or any people over the age of 17]

dressing-room

http://thoughtcatalog.com/emma-golden/2014/02/dear-nordstroms-dressing-rooms-please-stop/

I don’t care how good you think you look, how many days a week you work out, how clean you eat, how smoke-free you are, how moderately you drink, how much rest you get, how hydrated you stay, or how reasonable your stress levels – one day you will find yourself trying on bathing suits at Nordstrom’s and walking out with your therapist on the phone.

Blame the lighting.

Fluorescent lighting has shown to agitate, depress and turn violent aging rats, so you know its true of humans.

Of course, kids love bright lights.

They can see themselves and everyone else with crystal clarity, imperfections and all…which is the point since you can’t find any.

They aren’t conscious of harsh shadows, crows feet, sagging skin, thinning hair, or any of the other line items of attrition that aging ushers forth in the rest of us with a smirk.

Old people also like bright light because they don’t want to trip on something and break a hip. It also bears noting that because they’re old beyond anything lighting can further damage, vanity isn’t on the table. Now it’s just plain physical survival.

Additional note: Old people also tend to read things once known as newspapers, which don’t project, but rather absorb light.

For the rest of us, it’s an existential nightmare.

In my case, bright overhead lights can trigger ocular migraines, and sometimes, the things I cited about rats.

With lighting being such a big deal to people caught between youth and old age [the same demographic with all the money and power], why then do businesses not seem to take this into account?

Let’s take a look at the 5 worst offenders, “1” being the worst:

#1 Department Store dressing rooms.

#2 Restaurants

#3 Coffee shops

#4 Office buildings

#5 Art galleries

~~~  ~~~  ~~~

#1 Walk into most department store dressing rooms [Nordstrom’s being the worst], and every positive thought you ever had about the the way you look – all the trials and tribulations you endured to get there – are now in ruin.

When I enter the dressing rooms at Neiman Marcus in Houston, there are two sets of lights: One set in the front, and one behind. They are controlled by light switches next to the door. What I do is turn off the ones in front of me and use the back lights as fill-only. They are indirect, so what I experience is bounced light [off the back wall] which is plenty enough to fill in all the spaces without burning out my brain cells. The guys who bring clothing to me often flick the other switch back on when entering the dressing room as if something was wrong, but explain to them that something will be wrong if they touch it again, they get the idea.

See, their idea is to highlight the clothing, while the customer is far more interested in seeing how animate and inanimate objects work together.

If I ran a department store, the first thing I would take into consideration is how good I can get my customers to feel about themselves in my $1000 jackets.

#2 Have you ever wondered why restaurants are such dumb-asses about lighting? You have all these people spending a fortune on clothing and prep time to come to your establishment to look the best they possibly can, and you single-handedly destroy their evening with your crappy drugstore lighting. When I walk into ANY high-end restaurant, I have the same expectations I have of live theater. Great performances under beautiful light. Unfortunately, that table for 4 in the corner corner has a spotlight on one of the seats, which is why the last person to arrive gets it.

Restaurants should make flattering light a priority, but for whatever reason don’t. There are exceptions, but not many.

Note: I have offered my lighting advice to restauranteurs throughout Houston, but have yet to find a taker. Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

#3  Coffee shops are places people go to socialize and/or get work done outside of the house. But they’re greater purpose is providing a more civilized environment to hook up under the pretense of everything but. With this in mind, would it not best serve the financial objectives of these establishments to make them as comfortable [and flattering] as possible? Notice that, once again, most people tend to sit in the seats without the halogen over them like a death star.

#4 Yesterday I had the occasion to walk into the sales offices of my health club. What I noticed was that the entrance area was lit with florescence, but every individual was lit like a psychiatrist’s office: Warm, soothing, and serene enough to calm even the most anxiety-ridden patient. No wonder the place has over 7000 members.

#5  Art galleries must come to a place of acceptance that the art on display is secondary to how people feel about themselves when looking at it. I can’t count the number of galleries [many of the same ones I exhibit in], that place spot lights on both the art and the people viewing it. Why is this? Please tell me why we need to light the people in attendance?!? Is is laziness? Stupidity? Both? I don’t get it. Focus on the art, flatter the people and the sales will mount. Enough already.

SUMMARY

Not everyone is like me.

Some people my age just don’t care what they look like.

I’ve been told this is true, but have yet to meet any of these people.

 

Why Men Act Strangely at Middle Age…and Beyond?

bruce jenner 1979 ap

Bruce Jenner, 1976 Summer Olympics, Montreal.

bruce-jenner-gender-surgeryBruce Jenner at age 65, and transitioning into a woman.

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer, 2015.

~~~

Eventually, we all reach a point in life when we start running the actuarial tables, and realize that less days are ahead than behind.

We’ve done it all; been successful, respected, loved and experienced life in all its glory more times than we can count.

Now what?

Here we are at the precipice of twilight, with money in the bank, time on our hands to be the person we always wanted to be, and a stopwatch on the horizon the size of the sun. 

It has a way of pressuring us in ways that you have to experience yourself to appreciate.

Some men continue doing what they’ve always done: making movies, transplanting hearts, writing books.

Others explore hobbies they never had time to pursue during the career years, like sailing, skydiving or marathon running.

Among them there are those who lived their lives in ways they considered disingenuous, in spite of all the professional accolades, familial surroundings and beers with the guys during football season.

Men, in general, are not comfortable discussing anything but radiator leaks and headaches, so visualize an aging, one-time Olympic gold-medalist and reality television star with an gender identity issue and Bruce Jenner begins to make sense.

The carnage has to find its way out somehow, and since he’s not getting any younger, and can afford the procedures and security details, why not?

If I were a gay man trapped in a heterosexual relationship, this would be a good time to get a divorce.

If I felt trapped in corporate conformity for the sake of the almighty dollar, I might find myself ditching it all for a job as a trail guide in Telluride, or bar owner down in Acapulco.

Again, if not now, when?

Older men of ambition and drive are still fueled by the same forces that paved the way for their success. These forces don’t die. They do, however, morph, often resurrected when time starts running out and fantasies are still doable.

Jenner’s transition may or may not be a symptom of some severe psychiatric disorder, but he still manages to function in society, pay his taxes, do a reality television show…and show up on time for an interview with Diane Sawyer.

Insanity is not the first thing that comes to mind. Curious, is.

The extreme juxtaposition of masculine Olympian with transgendered person.

But contextually, it’s no different than a “traditional family man” and closeted homicidal sociopath, so there’s that.

And besides, most older men I know are not the people they present.

Some are men of the cloth, and child molesters; others happily married to one woman and happily screwing another. You just never know.

At least Jenner was open about it.

Whatever else he may or may not have done in his life is his business.

You may not like it. You may find him repugnant, deluded, lost. But it’s not your life. Thankfully, you don’t stand in his shoes.

As for it’s impact on society, it’s all about parenting.

Without it, there is no society to speak of as evidenced by children running the streets like revenants from hell.

According to New Reports, Middle Age Lasts Until 74

slide_312094_2781445_free

Pierce Brosnan, 61

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11539573/Middle-age-now-lasts-until-74-as-baby-boomers-refuse-to-grow-old.html

“For many people, 70 is the new 50 and signifies the quiet revolution that has taken place in longevity”

…………….

Among the many trending narratives of the day is the one about Baby Boomers who refuse to age, as if that’s a bad thing.

Would you want to age “gracefully” if you didn’t have to?

Before you answer this question, allow me to put forth my definition of “graceful aging:”

“The process by which a middle-aged male agrees to accept natural physical attrition in exchange for a gated community in Florida.”

In my view [and I’m not alone] this is akin to suicide in slow motion, otherwise known among my circle as the dragging out of the end to eternity until you can’t remember where it all started.

So no.

I don’t know anyone willing to “let go” unless they’re in a psych ward for clinical depression or dying of colon cancer.

An average man who retired in 2012 can expect to live until the age of 86.2 years, while a woman who turned 65 last year would have 23.9 years still to live on average, the ONS estimates.

That’s a lot of time to “drift.”

In my socioeconomic demographic. men are often in the best shape of their adult lives, working out regularly, eating right, getting medical check-ups on an annual basis, and making damn sure their teeth look better than they did when they were in their 20’s, among other things. Believe me, I could go on.

I might also add to this [because it wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t], that most of the men to whom I’m referring are well-educated, urban folk of an upper income variety.

They tend to be ambitious, successful men who carry these traits with them throughout their lives, which are then shaped and molded by the pressures of big city life.

These are not frumpy men in cardigans and distended bellies.

They’re a lot like men half their age, only richer, wiser…and, in some cases, more mature.

They take their health seriously because they would rather go out in a blaze of glory than to fade into irrelevance and obscurity.

Examples in popular culture alone are legion.

Such men don’t lay down for the next generation not only because they’re not finished with their own, but because the generation behind them represents the lion’s share of the women they date and marry.

If this trend continues, and I see no reason it won’t, the next generation will consider a man of 50 “young” and his wife of 25 age-relevant.

 

Older Man “Lost”

MidLife

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/11425655/Why-do-so-many-middle-aged-men-feel-so-lost.html

“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of being the co-washer-upper and feeder…”

The article describes “middle-aged” men to be in the 45-54 range, but based on my own personal experience, I would raise the upper end to 62.

The angst to which the article refers began for me in my mid to late 40’s when I first came to the realization that I was no longer a young man of endless promise, but rather, a fully assembled commodity.

Has my professional life been well spent? Should I have taken another path? If so, why didn’t I? Does my current line of work have more juice in the tank, or am I running on fumes? Who am I? 

We start adding up our attributes, our accomplishments – whatever we think belongs in the plus column – then subtract our perceived liabilities, and come up with a number we hope we can live with. 

If not, we tend to do one of three things:

1] Taunt the hand of fate with alcohol and crack.

2] Buy things we can’t afford.

3] Pretend to be someone we’re not. 

I don’t believe any of these require further explanation, particularly the last one.

The unfortunate truth about contemporary life is that the timeline to produce wealth is relatively short.

In that time we are expected to amass a nest-egg capable of producing income without our having to punch a time clock or cash a paycheck.

That’s a lot of pressure.

So let’s say you’re 50 and just lost your 300k/year job. Now what?

If you don’t have income-producing savings, you go through what savings you do have in a heartbeat.

Then your wife leaves you. Your “friends” disappear. You’re alone. Really alone. Too alone without the coping skills necessary to move past the obstacles.

You’re officially in crisis.

It’s too late to change things. You’re merely surplus in a hungry world. You perform no function and, are thus, forced from the herd.

Making matters worse, men are not particularly flexible, and don’t bond well with other men, which makes for a far more difficult passage through this period in life.

The article suggests that men reject the old masculine code that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt,” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Without the ability to bond through the rough times, middle-aged men are damned to a life of painful reflection.

it is only through emotional connectedness that we can begin to discover meaning, hope and resurrection from the outdated models that set the bar for men so high – and room for deviation so narrow – that most simply can not handle the journey.

In my life I have known quite a few men who took their own lives after a divorce or the loss of substantial capital. There was nothing left to turn to. They had done it all and lost it all in a flash.

This is how older men tend to see themselves: Reflections of their accomplishments.

When the fruits of their accomplishments are gone, they go with them.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones don’t fall in the “accomplishments” category as many men subconsciously assume that the people in their lives value them solely in dollar bills.

 

Personal Trainers: Secret Weapon of Older Men

personaltrainer

Many older men have resigned themselves to the notion that their best years are behind them, and that what’s left is a long, drawn out epitaph, otherwise known [around here] as death in slow motion.

This is a mindset, not biology.

With motivation and the proper training, many achieve feats of athleticism they couldn’t come close to in their 20’s.

So what stops them?

Many battle clinical depression.

For others, it’s a chronic injury.

But for the most part, it’s just plain laziness.

The refrain is common:

“Why should I work out? I’m an older man for god’s sake! Who cares?”  

I guess the person who should care died a long time ago, which is why people tend to look right through them, reinforcing their sense of irrelevance.

For those who do go to the gym, they often do so to just to avoid injury, or to “stay alive,” as they put it.

Needless to say, this attitude never won a Superbowl or anything else for that matter.

Challenging the forces of nature is not a slam-dunk, but it’s well worth the view if you have the will to climb the mountain.

…………….

There are 3 primary reasons why middle-aged men should hire a personal trainer, in this order:

1] Mental Health

Hypochondria is a pandemic amongst mid-lifers.

Everything is a potential apocalypse: The annual prostate exam, an impending stroke, a heart attack, colon cancer, or the ever-popular brain tumor paranoia. It never ends.

“That shoe will damn well drop, so if not now, when?”

No wonder Xanax sales are through the roof.

But here’s something I’ve learned: The 3 hours a week I spend with my personal trainer are enough to obliterate depressive episodes, anxiety and transient existential pain.

2] Physical Health

One of the biggest fears expressed by middle-aged men is failing health.

I’m not referring to a terminal illness, but literally, physical strength.

Without it, men begin to feel vulnerable and defeated.

“No longer can I protect those close to me,” is the way it comes across, but rapidly escalates into “I am no longer physically respected and relevant.”

From here it’s down the rabbit hole.

3] Medical Bills

“OMG everthing is falling the hell apart. My back hurts, my shoulder hurts, I have stomach pain, headaches, arthritis, I can’t lift a toothbrush…”

Sound familiar?

Poor health costs a hell of a lot more than your self-esteem.

In many cases it can rival your home mortgage. A typical hospital stay is somewhere in the 6k/day range, if this helps.

For less than that amount over 365 days, you could hire a personal trainer and tell the hospitals to kiss your ass.

Preventive medicine is the future. Without it, there is no future.

If after all you do you still land the the emergency room, it’s probably genetic.

……………..

Postscript

I like being physically strong. There’s something about lifting a lot of weight that’s emotionally transformative.

And while professional achievement is always a great picker-upper, having both is 10 times the high.

No longer are you a fading older man, but rather a successful older man who can stand should-to-shoulder with men half your age, dignity in tact.

With this as a backdrop, if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that personal trainers are probably responsible for hundreds of millions of dollars in lost therapy revenues.

There’s only so much you can do on the couch before you have to get your ass up and get back to living.

Nobody “looks right through” a man’s who super fit no matter what his age happens to be.

Billy Joel [65], and Alexis Roderick [29] Expecting.

alg-billy-joel-alexis-roderick-jpg

https://celebrity.yahoo.com/news/billy-joels-girlfriend-alexis-roderick-pregnant-couple-expecting-193000632-us-weekly.html?soc_src=mail&soc_trk=ma

Congratulations to Billy and Alexis!

See folks, life is not an actuarial table. It’s a journey with no particular timeline.

In the end, love is wherever you find it…no matter what the accountants say.

Aging, Insecurity and the Quest for Immortality

Couple_On_Beach_Small

Day after day after day older men are bombarded with images like these that tout the benefits of testosterone replacement.

I’m not going to go into all the conflicting research because I can’t delineate advertising from hard research. But as a man in the center of the marketing bulls-eye [i.e., right age and socioeconomic profile], I know all about the pressure to fold.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that between 80 and 90 percent of the men in my demographic [58-64] are on some form of testosterone supplementation.

This is not an exaggeration.

How else could they drop so much body fat while building and/or maintaining so much muscle mass and strength – without training even a tenth as hard as I do?

Let’s be honest. Most affluent older men don’t want to spend their entire lives in the gym, nor do they want the other hassles associated with aging, like not being able to maintain an erection for an hour, or having to rest and recovery like an old person.

They want to wake up fully refreshed, on 6 hours of sleep, with a raging hard-on and enough energy to power a small city.

For me, it’s more like 8 hours of sleep followed by 30 minutes of stretching just to pull myself out of bed because I’m so damn sore from the previous days’ workout, and then 6 cups of coffee all before acknowledging anyone or anything else around me.

Which would you choose?

That’s what I thought, and why the testosterone replacement industry has exceeded the 2 billion dollar mark…and rising fast.

Soon, all of us will be on “T” as the baselines rise to fit industry expansion strategies.

The mantra in my health club is that the AMA [American Medical Association] is living in the Dark Ages, and that people of means should see a urologist “in the know.”

Why waste such a great life on outdated research and thinking? is the way it’s usually phrased.

At this writing I see no way the blitzing will end – or the patient count drop.

I would also love to look and feel the way I did 20 years ago. But I am only human, and no matter how well I eat or how much time I spend in the gym, I’m still mortal.

I know this is simply unacceptable to many men of my generation as much as it is unacceptable for a 60-year-old man to drive a Buick over an Aston Martin. I get it.  If you can afford the best, why not?

With testosterone injections you take the risks with the rewards because there’s only one NOW and “tomorrows” in an actuarial context are fewer than ever before.

In other words, while the Buick may save your life, the Aston Martin makes whatever is left of it worth the risk. It’s that simple.

Whether or not I will capitulate to the barrage of influence is still uncertain. I discuss this with my trainer every time we meet and it always ends in a kind of detente.

He says no and I say maybe.

OVERVIEW

It bears noting that older men with good lives are also at greater risk of clinical hypochondria.

Blood tests “every 5 minutes” is normal.

“My doctor wants my cholesterol levels below 120, so now I’m on a statin drug, which means I’m back in his office every few months for blood-work to determine whether or not my medications are screwing up my kidneys or my liver or whatever.”

Okay, so now he’s on testosterone replacement and a statin drug, and he’s just getting started on the hamster wheel.

How about chest pain?

Shortness of breath after a workout? How can that possibly be?

Not that the following item isn’t completely natural, but did you know hair loss could indicate an autoimmune disease like lupus?

“Heavens to Betsy get my ass back in that car! we’re headed back to the emergency room! I knew he missed something!”

“And ya know, now that I’m thinking about it, my penis was insubordinate this morning, so I’ll ask him about the possibility of my having multiple sclerosis.”

“And come to think of it I’m more fatigued than I was at 17. I must have diabetes or a malfunctioning thyroid gland. Crap! ”

“I might add that I was dizzy the other day, which goes back to heart disease, stroke, or even shock. And why the hell do I drink so much water??? They say it’s an indicator of failing organs. And god knows I have trouble remembering people’s names. Is it Alzheimer’s? And my damn vision is not what it used to be, so it must be macular degeneration!”

“I AM SO SCREWED!”

This part is true, but not for the reasons you think.

……………

We’re all just waiting for the other show to drop, which is exactly why we’d all be far better off in therapy than the office of a urologist.

 

Piers Morgan Assails Plastic Surgeons and the Battle for Immortality: A Brief Discussion on the Psychopathology of Aging

2755308600000578-3028734-image-m-3_1428406979049Dr Fredric Brandt, pictured here with fan Kelly Ripa

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3028734/PIERS-MORGAN-Tina-Fey-guilty-s-holding-merciless-mirror-utter-futility-plastic-surgery-industry.html

In this article [tirade], Piers Morgan trashes physician Fredric Brandt for what he claims to be exploitation of client vanity. You can read the article for yourself. Suffice to say, Morgan is no stranger to sensationalizing cultural hot buttons. 

………………

The following link explores the world Dr. Brandt and the pursuit of physical perfection. I will follow up with a discussion of vanity among middle-aged men, and their insatiable pursuit of “relevance” as they see it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3029107/PICTURE-EXCLUSIVE-Famed-plastic-surgeon-Dr-Fredric-Brandt-s-high-school-photos-reveal-handsome-student-suicide-doctor-object-ridicule-Tina-Fey-s-NetFlix-show.html

……………

Like everything else in life, you can eat too many cheeseburgers. Once in a while is fine. Every day and you’re a walking dead man.

Same is true of fitness.

After a certain age, if you workout 7 days a week, 3 hours a day you’re going to end up in the hospital.

Cut it back to 1 hour a day, 6 days a week – with good diet and lots of rest – and you can go on and on and on.

When it comes to the other “maintenance” most people refer to as plastic surgery, the same logic applies.

If your laugh lines look like ravines in photo ops, you can visit a dermatologist and a dermal filler erase them in 5 minutes.

But if you’re back every week for another procedure, I might suggest a psychiatrist.

As a middle-aged man the disastrous effects this quest for perfection has on people is impossible to miss.

Most of these people never saw a needle they didn’t like.

And it’s not like you’re going to be dissuaded by physicians who pursue this area of medicine for everything but altruism.

It’s big business, and they’re masters of monetizing insecurity.

Most physicians in this trade only see the credit card, not the self-esteem on life support.

So get a grip.

Having said this, when surgeries get to a point where even the physician refuses further procedures on ethical grounds, it’s usually a business decision tied to a patient’s sudden resemblance to fish.

kissing_gourami_by_vukaddin-d6duioz

 

 

Dating at Middle Age – It’s Still a Man’s World

20B6B19C00000578-2845186-Rising_popularity_Tinder_is_increasingly_being_used_by_middle_ag-20_1416655218668There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Patrick Rothfuss.

…………..

http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2014/01/15/dating-at-middle-age-why-bother/

There are no shortages of women-run “advice” sites extolling the virtues of older women and the men who just can’t wait to date them.

Most, if not all, of this is wishful thinking – or a marketing ploy – designed to drum up web hits from an audience of older women who feel invisible in a world that values youth and beauty before other qualities.

These sites claim that older women are simply more selective than younger men and women, which is why it’s harder for them to find partners.

This is true.

If I were a 50 or 60-year-old woman expecting to find a fit, handsome and highly successful man my age to date and marry, I’d have to be out of my mind.

Most men who fit that description are looking at women in their 20’s, 30’s and maybe, early 40’s.

But like I said, the narrative is good for attracting female readers looking for a glimmer of hope in what appears to be an existential nightmare because it is an existential nightmare.

As I cover in my new book, Urban Dystrophy, the biggest problem women face is the delusion that such men have reached a stage in life where they look beyond the physical, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds no matter what you hear to the contrary.

Most of these men have already been married and are now statistics in the “gray divorce” pile up.

They said “I do” in their 20’s, went on to build a family and career, made a ton of money, and are now bored and entitled.

What they want this time around is NOT the older woman they divorced, but the one they married back when they got married.

They want to start all over again at 50 or 60 with someone reflective of their accomplishments.

Now you know the origin of the term: Trophy Wife.

But for most men I know, it’s far more complex.

In addition to the trophy aspects of the woman they also want someone they can converse with, share a mutual understanding, and love.

Older women often refer to this as man’s delusion, but for the more self-actualized among us, this is simply not the case.

While our accomplishments tend to precede us, there are no shortages of younger women waiting in line to date, live with, and ultimately, marry us.

That’s a lot to ask of a younger woman just starting out in life, to be perfectly frank.

And while some of them are grifters and psychopaths, many, many more are everything but.

In the end, it’s not that older men don’t didn’t find women their age interesting. It’s that they are simply not physically attracted to them.

Note: Most successful older women I personally know either date – and underwrite – much younger men, or they sleep alone. 

Thankfully, women are better adapted to single-hood as evidenced by their ability to bond with other women in ways that men find difficult, if not impossible.   

In this sense we both win. Count your blessings.