“Aging Gracefully” is a Contradiction in Terms

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How does she do it?

http://celebritypost.net/christie-brinkley-plastic-surgery/

No one ages gracefully.

Just compare a well “maintained” woman of 60 with that of a dime store cashier of the same age, and it appears to be two entirely different species.

SF Chronicle columnist Rob Morse, refers to what it takes to win the battle of aging as “ritual mutilation of the wealthy.”

But regardless what he and other social critics have to say about the sad state of today’s supposedly enlightened women, no one in their right mind is going to fall apart in front of their friends if they want repeat invitations to cocktail parties and galas.

It’s kind of like not owning the right shoes and handbags, for God’s sake.

Of course, unlike like shoes and handbags, the old mantra “you can never have too many” doesn’t work as well on the operating table.

Age Stereotypes? Think Again.

78-year-old-longboarder-lloyd-kahn__605

78-year-old skateboarder, Lloyd Kahn [above].

When I was back in my 40’s, I remember a 54-year-old guy telling me that, in no uncertain terms, life as he once knew it was “gone.”

He was referring to his once athletic frame, now reduced to a 3rd-term pregnant midsection and shoulder slope that reminded me of someone in the advanced stages of spinal stenosis.

Ten years later I happened to run into this once over-the-hill man and barely recognized him.

At age 64, the guy had literally transformed himself into an exemplary specimen of health.

He revealed to me that he’d hit rock bottom in his personal life, and that as a retired professional, he was bored and depressed.

“Debilitating depression” is the way he phrased it.

Retired too early. Kids gone. Marriage hum-drum. Life a downhill slide.

Imagine decades of this.

No wonder he checked himself into a clinic that specializes in helping men rediscover themselves, and the fire that used to burn white hot.

It obviously worked. And while his marriage didn’t survive the ordeal, he did.

Aging is a state of mind that starts innocently enough – a little reality check here and there – but it rapidly escalates into a malignant mindset that kills the spirit that once stole smiles, and filled hearts with love, joy…and hope.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WILLINGLY LET THIS GO?

No one should ever allow anyone convince you that you’re too old to do this or that, be this or that. 

If you can pull it off, you just raised the bar another notch.

Now they can kiss your ass.

It doesn’t matter that you don’t have the pitching arm you had back in the day.

Buy a skateboard.  

Nobody lays claim to what older men can and cannot do, physical disabilities [i.e., old injuries] notwithstanding.

But there are always workarounds.

Physicians are always warning older men to be careful in the gym; to act “responsibly, in deference to their age.”

But those same physicians are at death’s door decades before their time.

Check the source.

For the moment, I’ll leave you with this inspiring article.

I have to go to the gym.

http://www.boredpanda.com/senior-citizen-ageing-stereotypes-age-of-happiness-vladimir-yakovlev/

Have a kick-ass day.

While Men Fight Their Way Up the Corporate Ladder, Many Women in Houston Fight Their Way Up the Social Ladder [usually fist-to-cuff]

NEW YORK, NY - MAY 14:  Comes With Baggage Founder Lori Levine shows off her one-of-a-kind orange HermËs Birkin at the Comes With Baggage Fashion Editor Preview on May 14, 2013 in New York City.  (Photo by Cindy Ord/Getty Images for Comes With Baggage)

HermËs Birkin bag

http://nypost.com/2015/05/24/inside-the-bizarre-life-of-an-upper-east-side-housewife/

Wednesday Martin, author of Primates of Park Avenue, she found herself, she says, “going native.” She wanted to belong among the Upper East Side mommies who hired stylists and makeup artists for school drop-off and pickup, who got preventive Botox every three months, who perfected the flawless facade.

~ ~ ~

In many ways, this is the female version of my new book, Urban Dystrophy, now available on #Amazon.

Again, money is the buy-in, followed by a tightly-scripted narrative to which all aspirants must adhere – to the letter.

Think of it as high school all over again, but without the food fights.

Men know all about this.

In exchange for a residence at “900 Park Avenue,” women stand at the Devil’s Crossroads and relinquish their souls for a table at the right restaurant where people eat each other.

The ones who survive have the most checks on the list of must-haves.

Age comes to mind.

To wit, the author  refuses to reveal her age.

All we know is “I’m in my 40’s.” 

The reason for this is academic:

Not only are women expected to perform well under the scrutiny of white hot halogen, but because youth and beauty are expected to be indelible commodities, the farther away one drifts, the more perilous the journey.

No wonder Botox runs like rivers on the Upper East Side.

Mothers then pass these values on to their children, who attend the right schools, go on the right play dates, have the right tutors, and generally, explore all that “intensive mothering” can – and damn well better – provide.

People say celebrities are so different from everyone else, but when it gets down to it, money is what splits the herd.

Bad Lighting the Leading Cause of Spontaneous Low Self-Esteem Among Middle-Aged People…[or any people over the age of 17]

dressing-room

http://thoughtcatalog.com/emma-golden/2014/02/dear-nordstroms-dressing-rooms-please-stop/

I don’t care how good you think you look, how many days a week you work out, how clean you eat, how smoke-free you are, how moderately you drink, how much rest you get, how hydrated you stay, or how reasonable your stress levels – one day you will find yourself trying on bathing suits at Nordstrom’s and walking out with your therapist on the phone.

Blame the lighting.

Fluorescent lighting has shown to agitate, depress and turn violent aging rats, so you know its true of humans.

Of course, kids love bright lights.

They can see themselves and everyone else with crystal clarity, imperfections and all…which is the point since you can’t find any.

They aren’t conscious of harsh shadows, crows feet, sagging skin, thinning hair, or any of the other line items of attrition that aging ushers forth in the rest of us with a smirk.

Old people also like bright light because they don’t want to trip on something and break a hip. It also bears noting that because they’re old beyond anything lighting can further damage, vanity isn’t on the table. Now it’s just plain physical survival.

Additional note: Old people also tend to read things once known as newspapers, which don’t project, but rather absorb light.

For the rest of us, it’s an existential nightmare.

In my case, bright overhead lights can trigger ocular migraines, and sometimes, the things I cited about rats.

With lighting being such a big deal to people caught between youth and old age [the same demographic with all the money and power], why then do businesses not seem to take this into account?

Let’s take a look at the 5 worst offenders, “1” being the worst:

#1 Department Store dressing rooms.

#2 Restaurants

#3 Coffee shops

#4 Office buildings

#5 Art galleries

~~~  ~~~  ~~~

#1 Walk into most department store dressing rooms [Nordstrom’s being the worst], and every positive thought you ever had about the the way you look – all the trials and tribulations you endured to get there – are now in ruin.

When I enter the dressing rooms at Neiman Marcus in Houston, there are two sets of lights: One set in the front, and one behind. They are controlled by light switches next to the door. What I do is turn off the ones in front of me and use the back lights as fill-only. They are indirect, so what I experience is bounced light [off the back wall] which is plenty enough to fill in all the spaces without burning out my brain cells. The guys who bring clothing to me often flick the other switch back on when entering the dressing room as if something was wrong, but explain to them that something will be wrong if they touch it again, they get the idea.

See, their idea is to highlight the clothing, while the customer is far more interested in seeing how animate and inanimate objects work together.

If I ran a department store, the first thing I would take into consideration is how good I can get my customers to feel about themselves in my $1000 jackets.

#2 Have you ever wondered why restaurants are such dumb-asses about lighting? You have all these people spending a fortune on clothing and prep time to come to your establishment to look the best they possibly can, and you single-handedly destroy their evening with your crappy drugstore lighting. When I walk into ANY high-end restaurant, I have the same expectations I have of live theater. Great performances under beautiful light. Unfortunately, that table for 4 in the corner corner has a spotlight on one of the seats, which is why the last person to arrive gets it.

Restaurants should make flattering light a priority, but for whatever reason don’t. There are exceptions, but not many.

Note: I have offered my lighting advice to restauranteurs throughout Houston, but have yet to find a taker. Stupid is as stupid does, I guess.

#3  Coffee shops are places people go to socialize and/or get work done outside of the house. But they’re greater purpose is providing a more civilized environment to hook up under the pretense of everything but. With this in mind, would it not best serve the financial objectives of these establishments to make them as comfortable [and flattering] as possible? Notice that, once again, most people tend to sit in the seats without the halogen over them like a death star.

#4 Yesterday I had the occasion to walk into the sales offices of my health club. What I noticed was that the entrance area was lit with florescence, but every individual was lit like a psychiatrist’s office: Warm, soothing, and serene enough to calm even the most anxiety-ridden patient. No wonder the place has over 7000 members.

#5  Art galleries must come to a place of acceptance that the art on display is secondary to how people feel about themselves when looking at it. I can’t count the number of galleries [many of the same ones I exhibit in], that place spot lights on both the art and the people viewing it. Why is this? Please tell me why we need to light the people in attendance?!? Is is laziness? Stupidity? Both? I don’t get it. Focus on the art, flatter the people and the sales will mount. Enough already.

SUMMARY

Not everyone is like me.

Some people my age just don’t care what they look like.

I’ve been told this is true, but have yet to meet any of these people.

 

Denial’s a Bitch

madonna-624-1375114464Where she started…

2D11438128-today-madonna-gold-grills-140125.blocks_desktop_medium

What’s left…

After belting out her classic song of female empowerment “Express Yourself,” at Coachella, the 56-year-old pop legend, Madonna, pulled the 28-year-old singer, Drake, back in his chair to plant a heavy kiss on his lips.

Then all hell broke loose.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3036560/Madonna-56-makes-Drake-28-onstage-Coachella-doesn-t-notice-look-horror-walks-off.html

~~~

Naivete in grownups is often charming; but when coupled with vanity it is indistinguishable from stupidity. Eric Hoffer

~~~

Madonna is closing in on 60 years old and a shadow of her former self, which I know is shocking to those of you who think she resembles the woman on the cover of her new CD.

If she were a writer or folk singer or politician or television actor or newscaster or cashier at WalMart she could go on and on and on. But sex symbol? Please.

And that gold dental grill!!! Seriously??? What drugs drive people this far off the ranch???

I guess it has everything to do with being at the top of the pop music world for decades only to feel pressured to pass the baton to the next generation.

If it were me, I’d do the same damn thing as long as I had no idea how ridiculous it made me look.

I’m sure no one let’s her in on this dirty little secret, though.

Why would they? Their careers rest on her perpetuity no matter how desperate she looks in the process.

But what propelled her to stardom is still part of who she is today. In this sense, she is stuck in the past, always looking for the next opportunity to resurrect herself, this time around with an undercurrent of indignant rage.

The bottom line is that she is no longer “herself” on the outside, which means that she has to redefine who she is on the inside.

At this writing, this does not appear to be happening.

Nonetheless, what she’s going through is not unique to women.

Men become the punchlines of jokes when they live the way they did 30 ago, refusing to acknowledge that 30 years have passed.

We all age. It sucks. It’s nature’s cruel joke. Call it what you will. But it’s a reality we all face no matter who we are.

Some fare better than others, mostly because they’re not Madonna.

They don’t have to fill stadiums, pander to fans, focus on trying to bend and shape perception of aging until people no longer see it.

In this sense Madonna as “Madonna” is her own worst nightmare.

If she wants to salvage her dignity and assure a resurrection of sorts, she should take her own advice and perform alone on a simple stage with an acoustic guitar.

No dancers, backup singers, pyrotechnics and god’s knows what the hell else.

Now that would be a concert worth seeing.

POSTSCRIPT

Who attends Madonna concerts?

1] Older women who relate to her midlife delusions.

2] Gay men who imagine Madonna loves them more than she loves herself.

3] No one else that I’m aware of.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/11/madonna-gay-fans-_n_6846882.html

UPDATE

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/drake-weighs-in-on-his-reaction-to-that-madonna-kiss-at-coachella/ar-AAaYOUt

Now Drake has said that, in so many words, he was delighted to have had the opportunity to be kissed by the queen, Madonna.

Yea right, dude.

Best to cover your ass.

Piers Morgan Assails Plastic Surgeons and the Battle for Immortality: A Brief Discussion on the Psychopathology of Aging

2755308600000578-3028734-image-m-3_1428406979049Dr Fredric Brandt, pictured here with fan Kelly Ripa

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3028734/PIERS-MORGAN-Tina-Fey-guilty-s-holding-merciless-mirror-utter-futility-plastic-surgery-industry.html

In this article [tirade], Piers Morgan trashes physician Fredric Brandt for what he claims to be exploitation of client vanity. You can read the article for yourself. Suffice to say, Morgan is no stranger to sensationalizing cultural hot buttons. 

………………

The following link explores the world Dr. Brandt and the pursuit of physical perfection. I will follow up with a discussion of vanity among middle-aged men, and their insatiable pursuit of “relevance” as they see it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3029107/PICTURE-EXCLUSIVE-Famed-plastic-surgeon-Dr-Fredric-Brandt-s-high-school-photos-reveal-handsome-student-suicide-doctor-object-ridicule-Tina-Fey-s-NetFlix-show.html

……………

Like everything else in life, you can eat too many cheeseburgers. Once in a while is fine. Every day and you’re a walking dead man.

Same is true of fitness.

After a certain age, if you workout 7 days a week, 3 hours a day you’re going to end up in the hospital.

Cut it back to 1 hour a day, 6 days a week – with good diet and lots of rest – and you can go on and on and on.

When it comes to the other “maintenance” most people refer to as plastic surgery, the same logic applies.

If your laugh lines look like ravines in photo ops, you can visit a dermatologist and a dermal filler erase them in 5 minutes.

But if you’re back every week for another procedure, I might suggest a psychiatrist.

As a middle-aged man the disastrous effects this quest for perfection has on people is impossible to miss.

Most of these people never saw a needle they didn’t like.

And it’s not like you’re going to be dissuaded by physicians who pursue this area of medicine for everything but altruism.

It’s big business, and they’re masters of monetizing insecurity.

Most physicians in this trade only see the credit card, not the self-esteem on life support.

So get a grip.

Having said this, when surgeries get to a point where even the physician refuses further procedures on ethical grounds, it’s usually a business decision tied to a patient’s sudden resemblance to fish.

kissing_gourami_by_vukaddin-d6duioz

 

 

Urban Dystrophy [Digital Version] Available on Amazon this week!

Screen Shot 2015-03-29 at 12.24.31 PM copyLAUNCH DATE FOR DIGITAL VERSION ANNOUNCED ON MAY, 2015!

PRINT VERSION TO FOLLOW.

From Urban Dystrophy:

“You get back what others think you’re worth, not what you think you’re worth. And unless you can afford not to care, you better care. With practice, you’ll be able to determine your own relative value so you’re not disappointed by things you thought you deserved, but didn’t for reasons you may resent, but better get used to.”

“Most middle-aged men struggling to balance acquisition of wealth with fading relevance feel like characters in an apocalypse series with recurring story arcs.”

“I compete with popular culture every day, on every level, including in my love life where it’s particularly competitive.”

“I once knew a forty-two-year-old pharmaceutical rep that kept a list of mandatory line items prospective “boyfriends” had to meet. It sat on her iPad for easy reference. If I remember correctly, the last count was 22,328.”

“Eventually we all reach a point in life where we can no longer hit on young women without also being hit on by a bouncer.”

“In the old days, men had wives and mistresses. This was considered normal. It was understood that emotional intimacy in men was a sign of weakness, and therefore, if women wanted their men to remain strong and faithful to their marriages, mistresses were necessary.”

“At middle age, the situation becomes ten times worse. Although women are decades older than they were back in college, men still measure them against their 1980 yearbook picture, which is why most of the women they date were born about that time. This same pathology manifests in the perception that men and women age at different rates, even if they technically don’t.”

“Women say blessings are counted by the number of people who give you unconditional love. But, others contend that you still die alone, and that bouncing nickels off a flawless ass is worth the blind faith in miracles.”

We’ve also produced some limited edition t-shirts, should you be interested in brandishing the narrative!

The logo below:

proofcopy

Curves Vs. Face in Over-40 Women: A Man’s Perspective.

26FE34B300000578-3011773-image-m-16_1427322509796

Candice Bergen [68] has a curvy figure.

26FE37DD00000578-3011773-image-m-26_1427322629269 Victoria Beckham [40] has a thin figure.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3011773/It-s-classic-advice-given-women-age-40-does-woman-really-choose-FACE-BOTTOM.html

Articles like this one have been popping up a lot lately as aging women feel the pressure to conform to standards they themselves set decades ago. This one in particular was written in response to Candice Bergen’s comments about aging women where she advises older women to “keep a lovely, plump pretty face, and stay sitting down.”

Needless to say, this upset women who feel that objectification is a crucible they will never outlive.

They’re right, actually. They will never outlive it.

The older men I spend time around tend to be ambitious and successful. They have high expectations and are surrounded by a culture group that reinforces this narrative.

While it is not uncommon to see out-of-shape, age-relevant couples who’ve been married for decades, there is usually a back story, an off-the-books apartment in Manhattan in someone else’s name, perhaps.

If a man does happen to crave big beautiful women, he calls an escort service and keeps his mouth shut. They both do. For a price.

Back to the subject at hand, the men in my demographic tend to like the same body types: Fit, thin, and tall [ish]. Some describe it as that of a 12-year-old boy.

This is not to say that these men are gay, but that a certain androgynous aesthetic is preferred.

Why?

Several reasons, but first an example:

hotsale-women-s-swimwear-super-sexy-solid

Now for the reasons:

1] They look great in designer apparel, regardless of the designer.

2] They can wear a basically nothing no matter what time of the month it happens to be.

3] Other woman hate them, which men love.

4] The subconscious dominance men experience in their company bolsters self esteem, both in and out of the bedroom.

5] Thin women convey to men that they understand and appreciate a particular aesthetic, thus, no matter what the hell happens, including pregnancy, they will always squeeze into a size “0-2” Chanel cocktail dress.

So basically, Candice Bergen is right.

She had her day in the sun and has finally come to a place of acceptance.

A rare admission, indeed. No wonder women are so pissed off at her.

If I didn’t look like the model above, I would be, too.

 

Madonna and Her Battle for Relevance in the Middle Years

madonna-living-for-love-music-video

http://www.billboard.com/articles/news/6487469/madonna-compares-ageism-against-her-to-racism-and-homophobia

Madonna Louise Ciccone [aka Madonna] was born in Bay City, Michigan on August 16, 1958, which makes her 56 years of age. Her career started in 1979 and since that time she has amassed a fortune exceeding $800 million dollars doing exactly what she wanted to do with her life, which is pretty much everything a human being could possibly hope to do in one lifetime, or 100 for that matter.

The tailwind from her career would be enough to propel most clinical narcissists into old age without the help of a therapist, but not Madonna. No. She demands the world see her the way that it did 30 years ago, in spite if the fact that it is 30 years later.

In light of this, it’s no surprise that she levels charges of “ageism” as if that’s going to somehow guilt-trip her fans into some sort of collective hallucination.

The poor woman just fell off the stage during a comeback performance, for god’s sake. That’s about as bad as it gets for a cultural icon that uses fame the way human beings use blood.

Youth is gone, Louise. I’m sorry. I feel it, too. So does everyone else our age. But we don’t do ourselves any favors trying to be something we’re not. If you want to believe the applause you receive from aging women and drag queens constitutes transcendence, I’m sorry.

I remember seeing Madonna at NYC nightclubs back in the late 70’s. She was unknown, striking, wildly creative, and always blitzing for attention. She leveraged the currency of youth to achieve her objectives when she had it in spades. Some people are fortunate that way. Personal conviction is something most of us have to earn over time.

Nonetheless, after many decades of Madonna being Madonna, her relevance is vanishing. And while in all likelihood she can still fill arenas, the reason has everything to do with nostalgia and nothing whatsoever to do with another successful reinvention.

If she wants to act, let her act. Meryl Streep still does it. If she wants to make a nightclub appearance here and there, maybe belt out an old jazz standard, go for it. Woody Allen has a regular gig at Café Carlyle in New York. It’s all good.

With these thoughts in mind, I regret to say that I can no longer rock my crimson Spandex in the gym, in spite of the fact that I haven’t aged a day since 1979.