Middle-Aged Men and Double Lives, Explored.

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/article4295037.ece

Whether it’s a struggling college student in Washington, D.C. trying to make ends meet, or a “manageable” pill problem no one needs to know about, double lives can be a full time job for the older man of means.

With a middle class in America on life support, and article after article telling young people that in order to become really rich you have to start out really rich, you can see how things can become demoralizing after a while.

Advertising flaunts the lavish lifestyles of the rich and famous at every turn, and the fact shows like The Kardashians are among America’s favorite “reality” pastimes, you can see where the average person might feel like a civilian in a war they can’t win.

Okay, so this is the playing field.

Enter the affluent and entitled middle-aged man with time on his hands and penchant for youth, and beauty and a new market is born.

In this world everything one might imagine is usually the norm.

“Michael” has been married to the same woman for 20 years. They have 3 kids in college. At 55 he’s proven all he needs to prove to himself and the world around him. He’s been financially successful, sits on corporate and charitable boards, and is a member in good standing of a prestigious country club. What more of life could one ask?

A lot.

“Michael” is bored. He wants more out of life. But more of what?

Excitement.

He wants to feel “alive” again. He wants the higher highs, the ones that kept him motivated and in the saddle all these years.

So he stumbles around a bit.

He tries to retire, but that doesn’t work because boredom – and that sense of irrelevance – start creeping into the subconscious until he’s ready to climb out of his skin.

So he goes back to work, but still finds holes in the plaster. There’s got to be more. This can’t be all that’s left of what once was.

It’s time for an assessment.

NOTE [s]:

1] This mental process is uncommon among ordinary men.

2] However, it is quite common among politicians, athletes, entertainers, high-octane suits, and other libidinous creatures, otherwise known as men who expect more because they feel entitled to more.

Using #2 as a template for this brief discussion, it doesn’t stretch the imagination to understand why playing life close to the vest is endemic to success in any and all endeavors.

In this sense, business and pleasure overlap and what we see are happily married men with mistresses in luxury apartments in other cities, for example.

They do not consider this cheating.

In their minds, its like a tax credit for providing their wives with high-end lifestyles they would not otherwise experience.

So it’s a win-win.

This level of compartmentalization is common among high-functioning sociopaths, who did not climb to the top being kind and compassionate.

With this as a backdrop, one can easily see that certain psychological profiles lead to certain behaviors, which is why criminal profilers who hunt homicidal sociopaths might open a division just for affluent older men who lead double lives.

While they don’t dump bodies along lonely stretches of freeway, they drop souls all over the place.

Curves Vs. Face in Over-40 Women: A Man’s Perspective.

Candice Bergen [68] has a curvy figure.

26FE37DD00000578-3011773-image-m-26_1427322629269

Victoria Beckham [40] has a thin figure.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3011773/It-s-classic-advice-given-women-age-40-does-woman-really-choose-FACE-BOTTOM.html

Articles like this one have been popping up a lot lately as aging women feel the pressure to conform to standards they themselves set decades ago. This one in particular was written in response to Candice Bergen’s comments about aging women where she advises older women to “keep a lovely, plump pretty face, and stay sitting down.”

Needless to say, this upset women who feel that objectification is a crucible they will never outlive.

They’re right, actually. They will never outlive it.

The older men I spend time around tend to be ambitious and successful. They have high expectations and are surrounded by a culture group that reinforces this narrative.

While it is not uncommon to see out-of-shape, age-relevant couples who’ve been married for decades, there is usually a back story, an off-the-books apartment in Manhattan in someone else’s name, perhaps.

If a man does happen to crave big beautiful women, he calls an escort service and keeps his mouth shut. They both do. For a price.

Back to the subject at hand, the men in my demographic tend to like the same body types: Fit, thin, and tall [ish]. Some describe it as that of a 12-year-old boy.

This is not to say that these men are gay, but that a certain androgynous aesthetic is preferred.

Why?

Several reasons, but first an example:

Now for the reasons:

1] They look great in designer apparel, regardless of the designer.

2] They can wear a basically nothing no matter what time of the month it happens to be.

3] Other woman hate them, which men love.

4] The subconscious dominance men experience in their company bolsters self esteem, both in and out of the bedroom.

5] Thin women convey to men that they understand and appreciate a particular aesthetic, thus, no matter what the hell happens, including pregnancy, they will always squeeze into a size “0-2” Chanel cocktail dress.

So basically, Candice Bergen is right.

She had her day in the sun and has finally come to a place of acceptance.

A rare admission, indeed. No wonder women are so pissed off at her.

If I didn’t look like the model above, I would be, too.

The Normal Aging Process Versus the Preternaturally Fit.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/07/how-exercise-keeps-us-young/?_r=0

“As it turned out, the cyclists did not show their age. On almost all measures, their physical functioning remained fairly stable across the decades and was much closer to that of young adults than of people their age. As a group, even the oldest cyclists had younger people’s levels of balance, reflexes, metabolic health and memory ability.”

From the perspective of chronological averages, my script has been written and what’s left is fading fast.

Fortunately, I’ve never been a fan of averages.

…………

Admittedly, there are days when my age bothers me. I’m smack in the middle of the Baby Boom Gen and sometimes the psychological ramifications of being this far down the road sucks. People are dying all over the place and everyone seems to have some horror story to share about their health.if they just shut up about it for five minutes I swear they’d feel better.

It seems like just yesterday I was a carefree young man, the world at my feet, with endless promise ahead of me.

I thought of people my age as dead men walking, and dismissed them summarily. It’s not that I was unable to see their strengths, but that I resented their competitive presence in the game of life. After all, this was my world. Their time came and went, so why are they still here?

And then it happened: I woke up one day the object of my own adolescent scorn.

Wow. I didn’t feel any differently, but here I was, an older man.

And while there was absolutely nothing I could do about chronological stage in life, there was everything in the world I could do about how I wanted to live it.

So I started power lifting.

I found a top trainer and focused on a goal.

See, an important aspect of physical fitness for older men is having a goal. Without one, you get lost. Motivation dries up because there’s nothing to work towards, and eventually, you’re back on the couch reading history books before dying of heart failure before your 60th birthday.

Power lifting, like Cross-fit, and other competitive endeavors makes goal-setting a integral part of the training process.

Adding to this is the camaraderie often lacking in an older man’s life, which you have to feel yourself to really appreciate. You stop drawing inward and resigned, and instead experience a reawakening.

For me it was an easy segue because I’ve been athletic all my life, but I have seen frumpy middle-aged men morph into competitive athletes with entirely new outlooks on life. In fact, you wouldn’t recognize many of them from their former pathetic selves.

The moment you give up on yourself and your abilities, you’re dead in the water. The missives from young men are now accurate, and you become the helpless poster-child for irrelevance.

Life is all about choices. We can choose to fade, or we can get back in the ring and compete.

What I’ve noticed is that men of all ages respect older men who fight for themselves, who challenge the forces of time, and set examples for future generations.

Now they have something to actually look forward to, which no one will dismiss.

……………

I’ll leave you with this: The following is a video of a 78-year-old man doing leg lifts at my gym 3 days ago:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MsO2lqgvZ4&feature=youtu.be&app=desktop

Ronnie Wood [67] and Sally Humphreys [37] Tie the Knot. Congratulations!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3003820/Rolling-Stones-rocker-Ronnie-Wood-67-lovingly-kisses-wife-Sally-37-cheek-attend-charity-gala.html

Ya gotta read the comments on this one. Lots of jealousy couched as “common sense.”

Here’s a typical example: “Let’s face it. If he were an ordinary fella , in a normal job, she wouldn’t be seen dead, next to him.” Somebody, United Kingdom

Newsflash: A 37-year-old ordinary fella, in a normal job, wouldn’t have a shot in hell with her, either.

She’s clearly taken with extraordinarily successful, and, in Ronnie’s case, famous men.

So what?

People find themselves with one another for their own reasons, none of them being anyone else’s business.

Those bitching are the usual suspects: Older average men in dead end relationships with older average women, young men who resent older, more successful men “hoarding” their women, and older women who can’t find a man to save their lives.

Nobody else is complaining, believe me.

While Ms. Humphrey married someone who will in all likelihood predecease her, she has also made a conscious decision that what she’s taken on is far better than what she might leave behind. People do this at every stage if their lives. Young women choose young men for their good looks, coupled with their perceived ability to provide, and then go on to become good husbands and fathers. It’s a linear calculation all women make.

Sometimes it’s an age-relevant coupling, other times it’s a generational divide.

In either case, it’s the same drill.

I get that Ronnie Wood is not the best looking man in the world, but I have never known women over the age of 21 to fall in love exclusively with their eyes.

While his fame and fortune are powerful motivators, she still has to sleep with him, which I’m sure is a bargain for both of them, everything considered.

Is Aging a Disease?

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/02/the-narcissistic-injury-of-middle-age/283602/

To the normal person, aging is considered a natural process that one accepts.

To the normal urbanite, it’s a disease like leukemia that one fights tooth and nail with testosterone, dermal fillers, plastic surgery and 6-hour kickboxing classes.

With this in mind, I can state unequivocally that aging is the crucible of my generation.

NEWSFLASH: We are NO LONGER the center of the universe.

Now the only way we get that level of attention is by doing something that lands us on the evening news.

Many refer to this phenomenon as “invisibility.”

Some describe it to be a lot like death, but more expensive.

Whatever it is, though, sucks.

In the article, the answer is to “use our accumulated wisdom and experience to help guide the next generation.”

For some, this is enough. They coach Little league, get involved in charitable causes, move to Florida.

But for millions of others, this is not how they see themselves, or the balance of their lives, which could very well span several decades.

For me, it’s about getting up everyday and putting one foot in front of the other.

Think of it as the first step in a twelve-step program.

If you can’t get out of bed, you just as soon swallow that bottle of Xanax in the closet.

Your next step is to take stock of what you do have and balance it against what you don’t.

I use a Magic Marker and draw a black line down the center of a page: The good is on the left, the bad on the right.

If the “good” column has more entrees than the bad, it’s a good day.

The next thing I do is eat clean. It’s a pain in the ass, but you get used to it.

Then I sit down at my desk and write. This constitutes work, which is critical to any man’s self-esteem. You can’t just drift. It will obliterate whatever is left of you in a heartbeat.

Now you know why people like The Stones still tour. They hardly need the money. It’s about relevance, visibility, and purpose. You have to have a reason to go on.

Okay, so now that you’re eating right and doing something professionally challenging and meaningful, you have to go to the gym.

This does not mean get a gym membership and participate in some senior’s stretching class. It means going to the gym and busting your ass alongside people half your age.

Then you have to rest and recover. This takes longer than it used to and that’s just the way it is no matter what the hell you do.

Next, you will need a life beyond yourself to soften the blows of aging, which involves another human being. Living alone works great for homicidal sociopaths, but not middle-aged men.

If you’re in a dead-end marriage, you owe it to yourself, and your spouse, to either improve the situation or move on.

Putting a hooker on the payroll [like a lot of guys I know] only insures that the already disastrous relationship with your current wife will end up in the hands of attorneys. It’s a downward spiral.

Finally, count your blessings. Remember the list? Read it, over and over and over again until you memorize the good stuff.

I have to do this every day and believe me when I tell you, it keeps the pity party at arms length, which is exactly where it belongs.

By the way, I’m competing again in the USAPL power-lifting competition this July in Houston to hold my state record in the dead lift. Here’s a video of my progress so far…

IMG_1718

Anthony Kiedis [52] Dating Wanessa Milhomem [22].

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2998726/Anthony-Kiedis-52-takes-girlfriend-Wanessa-Milhomem-22-surfing.html

Why is this a story?

Because anything involving successful older men in the company of beautiful young women tends to fly off the shelves.

Why is this?

Because older women [and younger men] want someone to beat on for “dismissing” them.

Here’s one such comment:

“Nancy” from Washington D.C. wrote in reference to someone who said that the relationship made perfect sense…”Except that maybe he’s on a catheter when the kid is graduating from college. or worse, suffering from Alzheimer’s and trying to work out who his kid is…”

“Nancy” like others of her mindset are loath to accept the fact that age disparity may involve far more than a simple exchange of commodities. I might also add that science has repeatedly dismissed the efficacy of crystal balls, so we have no idea who will go first; or when, or how.

Life is not a linear calculation. Weird things happen along the way. Unexpected things. Nobody knows what’s around the next corner. The shoe just drops when it drops.

If Kiedis were to date a 52-year-old woman, she might drop dead tomorrow of a brain aneurism. She might also outlive him by 20 years after he got hit back a garbage truck. Then there’s the fidelity issue, as in what happens if she sleeps with another rock star while Anthony is on tour?

This is when people fall back into the “likelihood” discussion, which is fine as long as everything plays out as planned.

In this context, one must conclude that Kiedis will go first.

However, if they stay together for 10 years, that would be 2 years longer than the average marriage lasts between age-relevant couples in the United States.

Win-win.

As for raw statistics, they do bear out that large age gaps lead to higher divorce rates, but I would submit that the reason for this is because many of the people in these relationships are in them for everything BUT emotion.

How long do hookers last? An hour?

In fairness, not every woman is on board with the criticism as the following article illustrates:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/monique-honaman/shes-how-old-do-age-diffe_b_3684419.html

Some people actually understand that love is where you find it no matter what it looks like from the outside.

I am in one of these “doomed’ relationships. My live-in girlfriend of 4 years is 30 years my junior.

Does this make me feel better about myself, my masculinity, or my success in life?

No.

Would I prefer that she be closer to my age?

No. I like beautiful young objects I can kick around like a soccer ball…lol.

You critics really need to get a life.

Distinguishing “Contentment” from “Happiness” as Jaded Adults.

Google Contentment and this is what comes up:

Google Happiness and this is what comes up:

I dunno. Happiness kind of sells itself.

Merriam Webster offers the following definitions:

Contentment:

a: the state of being happy and satisfied : the state of being content

Happiness:

a: a state of well-being and contentment: JOY

b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience

………

After reading this, it is clear that these dictionary definitions and actual life [for adults] are two entirely different things.

When I was a kid, happiness was what I felt the first day of Summer, or Christmas morning, or racing into the surf on a family beach vacation.

I entered a state of bliss indescribable by today’s standards. Life seemed to open up like an endless universe, without boundaries or restraints of any kind.

Of course, I wasn’t paying the bills, cleaning up the Xmas mess, or worrying about making and keeping dinner reservations…to name a few.

I was just along for the ride, and a ride it was.

Then I got older…a lot older…and things changed.

While I got used to paying bills and dealing with responsibilities that came with adulthood, I never felt completely happy anymore. Something was missing, but what?

I had money. I had my health. I had friends and interests. What else was there?

LOVE.

That’s what was missing: Love. I needed a relationship to complete my life, to make me happy.

Then it happened and I was happy…for a while.

I say this not because I became less happy with my relationship, but because I became more and more content with a life lived in what felt a lot like emotional captivity.

Was I then a prisoner of my own delusions? Was this contentment really a kind of resignation that I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from someone I loved in order to find someone I loved even more?

In other words, was there something better out there?

PARADOX.

When you love someone, you automatically fall victim to psychological paralysis that forces your hand.

You don’t leave because the enduring comfort it brings far outweighs the excitement that burns fast and dies. At least, that’s the hope.

None of us make it out of this place unscathed, so there’s a good argument to be made for finding refuge from a storm that is best left to novels.

CONCLUSION.

Once you reach adulthood, happiness is something you work towards. It doesn’t come to you the way it’s used to.

It’s a series of fits and starts that, in the end, should leave us somewhere in the plus category.

It’s no longer one long string of ecstatic moments, not that it ever was. We just remember it that way.

In my life, instead of running the streets 6 nights a week like a banshee from hell, I am for the most part home with a woman I love, with 4 animals and a Macbook Pro streaming “Criminal Minds” through a set of Bose headphones.

This is as good as it gets, folks.

Life is no panacea. It’s just life, a place you mold for yourself, not what molds you.

If that were the case, we’d all be institutionalized.

The good news is that life has never been better, which you have to reality-check on a daily basis.

Our fantasies have a way of running away with us, which is why they’re called fantasies.

DEFINITIONS REDRAFTED FOR ADULTS

Contentment:

a: the state of being happy and satisfied, all things considered.

Happiness:

a: Moments of hyper-mania followed by life. [The same experiences it was when we were adolescents, but don’t remember, bills notwithstanding].

Who Do Some Men Just Get Better With Age?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2970768/Liam-Neeson-George-Clooney-Pierce-Brosnan-Hollywood-stars-awesome-age.html#cid=55367783552

When many people envision a 62-year-old man, they don’t see Liam Neeson.

What they do see, quite frankly, is a stereotype many of us in this general chronological ballpark don’t resemble.

Not even close, actually.

So what’s our secret?

1] Eat clean. Lots of fruits and vegetables and high quality protein.

Comments: Eating clean will become a part of your daily ritual. You will eventually learn that while cheat days are occasionally acceptable, it’s best to stick with cheat meals. An entire day of bad eating will cost you a week of rehab.

2] Get plenty of rest. 8 hours a night is like not having to pay a plastic surgeon before their time.

Comments: In the days before I had a live-in girlfriend, I was out 6 nights a week. My sleep habits were all over the place, but the “running the nights’ rush helped mitigate whatever I lost in REM 4. Of course, I was also younger, which helped. See, the older you get, the less help you get. If this is lost on you, go back to therapy. If you’re more comfortable with an internist, they’ll probably refer you to one.

3] Hydrate. Hydrate. Hydrate. With water, not vodka. You can squeeze a lemon in it if you want a vague reminder of what it was like to down a lemon drop martini.

Comments: The function of the kidneys, which helps to regulate fluid, declines with aging. The ability to recognize thirst decreases with aging — sometimes older people don’t realize they are thirsty. With aging, the amount of body water decreases. So even a small change in fluid intake can cause dehydration. The fallout from dehydration just isn’t worth it.

dry mouth and nose
loose and/or dry skin
skin “tenting” in the forehead
increased tiredness and/or weakness
restlessness
sudden (acute) confusion
concentrated urine
dizziness and orthostatic hypotension (standing causes sudden drop in blood pressure, feeling dizzy, and even fainting)
increased heart rate
loss of appetite
constipation
nausea and vomiting

4] Workout every day of the week: 3 days of weight training, 3 days of cardio, 1 day of stretching and recovery.

Comments: Don’t freak out. I’m not telling you to spend your entire life in a gym. I’m asking for one hour a day: 3 days a week of resistance training for strength, flexibility and bone density, followed by stretching. 3 days a week of cardio at 60-85% of maximum, followed by stretching. 1 day a week to recover. I spend a little time with foam rollers and lacrosse balls to break up the fascia and improve blood flow.

5] Manicure your face: trim eyebrows, nose hair, ear hair, and whatever other hair you may or may not have.

Comments: There’s nothing that says “I’m oblivious” than a lack of personal grooming. A lot of old guys look like tree moss. It’s pathetic. Clearly, they’ve given up. But just remember, when you give up, people give up on you. Put another way, you disappear.

6] Use quality skin products. Borax won’t cut it anymore.

Comments: A lot of guys give me shit about my rather robust regimen of skin products, but they never fail to suggest that I’ve gone under the knife, which is not true. What is true is that I take care of my skin because it no longer takes care of itself. My suggestion is that you see a dermatologist for an overall assessment and product suggestions.

7] Keep “toxic” stress levels low. There’s a difference between good stress and bad stress. One gets you out of bed. The other one puts you in the ground.

Comments: One of the many downsides to getting older is that stress is not something the body handles as well as it used it. The good news, however, is that you don’t have to put up with as much crap as you used to, so use that to your advantage as much as possible. I use the line, “at this stage of the game, I’ve earned the right to just say no.”

8] Choose you gene pool carefully. Unfortunately, this one’s out of your hands, which is a drag since it also happens to be the most important one and the main reason why you have to follow all of the aforementioned rules.

Comments: Your genes will determine the lion’s share of how your life plays out. Some say that only 15% of what you do changes the course of destiny, but I disagree. With perfect genetics I could overdose on heroin at 18.

9] Never let a photographer with an on-camera flash get within ten feet of you for photo ops. If you do, you’ll understand why you should not have allowed this in the first place.

Comments: Understand that you cannot compete with your 25-year-old face. This is why professional models tend to be children in adult clothing. With this in mind, the closer an on-camera flash gets to you, the worse you will look. So either tell the photographer to lose the flash, or step the hell back.

10] If your girlfriend is significantly younger than you are, come to terms with the fact that you will get older as she appears to get younger.

Comments: This is a very real problem for both genders who date inter-generationally. The upside is that the younger of the two will always be appear physically beautiful. The downside is that you will always look like their parent no matter how good you look. There is a hidden cost in every seamless transaction.

Final remarks:

Liam Neeson was photographed on a set in flattering light, which makes the most of his appearance. But understand that no matter what the lighting happens to be, if you live your life like Keith Richards, you will look like Keith Richards no matter what the lighting happens to be.

Aging Takes Toll on the Male Psyche

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/robin-williams-in-a-group-facing-higher-risk-of-suicide-older-white-men-with-depression/2014/08/12/8e1164d6-225e-11e4-86ca-6f03cbd15c1a_story.html

One reader commented:

“White middle aged and older men suffer from depression and commit suicide at a higher rate because their life centers around career, status and making money…”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/baby-boomers-are-killing-themselves-at-an-alarming-rate-begging-question-why/2013/06/03/d98acc7a-c41f-11e2-8c3b-0b5e9247e8ca_story.html

The writer commented:

“…many Boomers are reluctant to accept the realities of aging.”

I’m gonna’ let you in on a little secret: Nobody accepts aging. Nobody. It’s something we all deal with either through denial or prescription medications.

There are exceptions:

1] Those who manage to keep themselves so busy [and distracted] in their careers that they don’t have 5 minutes to think about it.

2] People of low ambition and correspondingly low expectations in culture groups of similar mindsets.

The rest of us have to fight our way through it with varying degrees of success.

I have no way of knowing what Robin Williams felt the day he took his life. No one can stand in another person’s shoes, to inhabit their lives.

But what I can say with absolute certainty is that successful older men do feel intense pressure to maintain relevance, both physically and professionally, and when either one of these falters, the emotional fallout is usually disastrous.

Most people visualize successful older men sitting on a beach in Tahiti, waiting for the gulls to drag them out to sea. But what they fail to consider is that the very things that got them to where they are still burn. Beaches are nice for a weekend, but boredom is usually just around the corner, and, after that…indignity.

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.

Napoleon Bonaparte

Sugar Daddy Dating Goes “Normal”

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2990407/We-NOT-prostitutes-Femail-goes-inside-sugar-daddy-dating-world-women-make-60k-year-relationships-rich-older-men.html

All I have to say about this is kudos to the young women who’ve learn to leverage assets in a tough economy that is largely bereft of a middle class. As a young woman in the article said, “‘You can marry a man who provides the basics for you, while you devote your life to him, wreck your body giving him children, and he’ll still cheat on you.’

Amen.

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