Self Confidence is Key to Aging Gracefully for Older Men

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If you’re a Baby Boomer, you know all about the ebb and flow of self-confidence.

You may consider yourself “extremely” confident on matters of financial achievement, but on a more personal note, find yourself less than enthused.

It’s all about how it balances out in the end, and believe me, we’re all running the numbers.

So what do men fear most about aging?

1] It’s been my personal experience that most of us fear being old and broke. Not Old. But old and broke. There’s a difference.

My advice to all young guys is to choose your careers wisely, because there will come a day when windfall will become necessary in order to live out your years in comfort, rather than under a bridge.

2] Irrelevance. Yea, irrelevance. And no, not everyone is relevant in their own minds, families notwithstanding.

Men are used to being useful, and when they are no longer working, they die one way or the other.

3] Balding, followed by greying. I know I know. It’s superficial, and besides lots of men shave their heads.

But balding remains on the very top of men’s concerns next to colon cancer.

There are many less than stellar work arounds for this problem, but no matter what you do, the emotional damage is indelible and life-changing.

Some men are blessed with perfect hair. They are the very, very fortunate few…like movie stars who made it to the top without the right last names.

Adding insult to injury, men with perfect hair don’t have to be the most handsome, or in possession of flawless physiques.

This is because the preternatural nature of their everlasting hairlines more than balances the scales.

There is no upside to hair loss unless you have a perfectly shaped “boxy-muscular” head like Jason Statham, which arguably enhances his appearance.

So there is an upside for Jason Statham.

4] The ubiquitous Potbelly, in my view, is far worse than any hairline recession, because a man can actually do something about it without a surgeon or wig manufacturer.

If you can afford to just not give a crap what people think, and live your life in the back woods of Tennessee, fine.

If not, you’ll be the punchline of every joke about aging men.

5] Impotence. When your penis ceases to perform, no amount of money [or hair] in the world will make you feel like a man.

Fortunately for older men, there are ED meds.

Lots of them.

6] Death. Men don’t necessarily fear what happens to them after they die as much as they do what happens to those they leave behind.

This is an irrational thought process, but I actually know men who wonder whether or not their wives are going to start sleeping with the neighbor the second the funeral ends.

Summary

We’re all screwed eventually.

The best we can do is plan ahead financially, work until the day we die, go to therapy to overcome issues with balding [since nobody cares if #1 is in proper order], workout like we did in college, take ED meds when necessary, and come to terms with the fact

that life goes on after we die.

Now you have something to live for.

Middle-Age Strikes Back

[from left] Bill, Tim 36 [trainer], John and Yours Truly.

I’m not going to tell you life in the middle to later years is a cakewalk.

It isn’t.

Making matters even worse is that fact that men tend to walk the road alone, which is why most of need back-up.

This is what back-up looks like.

In this context, there is also something to be said for co-dependence.

What Kids Need to Know About Money: Reality Television, Notwithstanding.

Misleading advice about money is everywhere, but the most egregious is this:

“Do what you love and the money will come.”

Seriously?

In the real world it reads more like this:

“Do what you love, but make damn sure that it can provide the kind of lifestyle you envision for yourself 30 years down the road.”

Unless you have a verifiable, iron-clad trust fund that cannot be changed or manipulated in someone else’s favor [including another family member], or hail from a celebrity family with a predilection towards generosity, or have a certain talent no one else on the planet has, you’re screwed.

I grew up around kids who bragged about their parents’ multimillion dollar businesses, only to find themselves – at middle age – in a corner office at the same firm on a salary that could never make the down payment on that house on the hill with the big swimming pool.

See, most businesses aren’t worth dirt to their owners until they’re sold.

There are exceptions, but not many.

The sole purpose of starting – and growing – a business is to one day sell it, not love it through sickness and health.

I say this because of all the things in the world you need count on, death withstanding, it’s money.

You can’t live on love or fame or happiness.

Something has to underwrite all of them. Think of it as blood supply provided by the almighty dollar.

Sorry to dust up your fantasies.

Imagine yourself a middle-aged man with no money in the bank and you’re better off with a bullet in your head.

In fact, everyone is better of with a bullet in your head.

Sage advice:

Money first, everything else second.

Then you can learn to play the piano, write a book, or grow your own vegetables and everyone will think you’re a genius.

You’re welcome.

The “Middle-Aged Men in Lycra” [MAMIL] Phenomenon

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2869069/Oh-shame-married-MAMIL-s-Middle-Aged-Man-Lycra.html

Daily Mail ran an article last year about the “middle-aged man in Lycra” phenomenon, and since that time the situation has gone viral.

Even the Chinese see the uptick in local Lycra sales.

From the perspective of an older man who went through the Lycra phrase back in the 90’s, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it’s the middle-aged man’s last stand.

If it’s not the ’69 Chevy Camaro, it’s going to be the Lycra.

Get used to it, because one way or the other, they’re going in.

They want to be who they once were – or wanted to be – now that they can afford it without having to sell the kitchen sink on Ebay.

Of course their wives of 20 years are dumbfounded witnessing their once normal and well adjusted husbands in clothing and accessories usually reserved for circus acts or Dr. Who reruns.

But this is how middle-age often manifests in men, particularly in those of achievement and ambition.

Some of us buy boats, motorcycles and cars. Others buy women.

But the last damn thing we do is buy into mortality.

Some of us look ridiculous doing the things we do, while others pull the same things off with aplomb.

It all gets down to self-actualization.

If you don’t have it, you end up looking like the caricature in the photo above.

If you do, you end up looking more along the lines of this:

But “Scooby” [pictured above], is a fitness guru, not an accountant turned fitness fanatic in his 50’s.

There’s a difference.

Most older men who start late with the fitness lifestyle tend to morph from spin class [for cardiovascular health] into walking billboards for cycling manufacturers.

Most of them are late learners who see this as an opportunity to become the men they’ve always wanted to be – but couldn’t – due to 60 hour work weeks, family obligations and travel.

Nonetheless, older men still look ridiculous in this crap. Hell, everyone looks ridiculous in it.

But older men become the scapegoat for everything that doesn’t fade and die the way it’s “supposed” to.

Of course, most men who did what they were told never made it to the top, which is why you rarely hear their wives complaining about their nice neighborhoods.

POSTSCRIPT

For many men, cycling is a way to connect with others the way they did back in their college days.

Men are not particularly good at mid-life bonding, so it’s arguable that cycling serves a greater purpose.

Personally, I think that anything that gives men purpose gives the people in their lives hope.

POST-POSTSCRIPT

I thought this was funny, so I’ll share it with you.

There’s this guy around me age who spent his life as an accountant for a medium-sized oil and gas firm.

He was a mousy little man, quiet and unassuming.

Then one day he sold his shares in the company and retired with his then middle-aged wife.

Suddenly, the guy shows up last week in psychedelic Lycra biking tights; his arms ripped and muscular, his face sporting a certain indigence that suggested a new-found aggression.

Sadly, his wife who looked totally out of place hanging out with her “new” jacked and steroid-fueled husband, and together they walk towards the gym, the woman trailing behind.

I bring this up because some guys should just stay in the shadows.

As I’ve always said, if you can pull off whatever it is you’re trying to do/be, by all means go for it.

But you need to be self-aware enough to know the difference between pulling it off and making a complete fool of yourself – and your wife in the process.

With this in mind, I’m sure said wife is the next to go.

The Rich Fantasy Lives of Urban Middle-Aged Men…and the Cognitive Skills to Survive Them.

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me.”
As the smile ran away from his face
“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place…” Piano Man, Billy Joel

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

1] Why am I not a rock star?

2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?

3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?

4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?

5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?

6] Where is my entourage?

7]\ Where am I?

8] Who am I?

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

If any of this sounds familiar, welcome to midlife, a precarious period in a man’s life, usually between the ages of 48 and 64, when everything you did in your life is now done and everything ahead is on thin ice.

While most of these items listed are exaggerations, the psychopathology behind them is everything but.

To combat this aberration of thought [self-persecution], I’d like to start an exercise I rely on to get me through the noise when it’s so loud I want to take up cliff diving.

First, I want you to put your hands on a Magic Marker. I prefer black ink because its more direct.

Then, get a large sketch pad which you can find at any Office Max.

Now, open the marker and draw a straight line down the center of the page.

On the left, write down the question you’re pondering; the one that triggers rage, anxiety and depression.

For our purposes here, let’s start with question #1:

#1] Why am I not a rock star?

For most of us, the right side of the column will look something like this:

a] Because I’m not a professional musician.

b] Because I chose to attend Business school in Rhode Island rather than sleep on the streets in Hollywood.

c] Because I’m risk-averse, in general.

Excellent. So now you’re answering your own questions and can now go back to enjoying your lunch.

#2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?

a] Because I’m not in the radio business.

b] Because I have never been in the radio business.

c] Because I had no interest in the radio business until “Rush Limbaugh” made me rethink that decision.

#3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?

a] Because Stephen Colbert just took it.

b] Because you’re not a stand-up comedian.

c] Because you’re not, nor have you ever been, in the television business, and therefore, neither you nor Mr. Colbert are in competition.

#4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?

a] Are you currently a professional actor? If not, scratch the first one.

b] TV appearances usually involve people who either survived a jump out of a commercial airliner without a parachute, or those born into a celebrity families they can’t wait to tell the world about.

c] As for “7-figure book deals” NOT involving celebrity gossip, you might ask yourself if you’ve ever written a book, much less taken a course in high school English.

#5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?

a] Most celebrities cannot afford to own Gulfstream aircraft, so they buy timeshares in them.

b] The oil and gas company you’ve been working for has a fleet of 7 Gulfstreams. If you had become a Vice-President, you’d been flying on one yourself.

c] Most people who can afford to outright own their own jets were usually born into the money. The rest you can count on two hands.

#6] Where is my entourage?

a] You have a wife, three kids, two cats and a Labrador Retriever. Isn’t that enough?

b] Once you’re past a certain age the last thing you want is to be bothered by an entourage, much less anything – or anyone with their hand out.

c] Entourages are for elite professional boxers who will probably blow through everything before they hit your age. Way before. I can name names you already know.

#7] Where am I?

a] By this, most middle-aged men are referring to where they are in the context of their lives and accomplishments. So start jotting down your accomplishments – without comparing them with people you don’t know, but can’t stop hearing about.

b] If you’re still healthy, reasonably happy, and financially secure at middle age, you’re a celebrity to anyone who is not.

c] If you have a swimming pool in addition to everything else, you deserve a backhand from God.

And finally…

#8] Who am I?

a] I might suggest ancestry.com.

If this isn’t what you’re referring to, dial 911.

Middle-Aged Men in Bars

When I was in my 30’s and 40’s I had lots of single friends who spent an inordinate amount of time in bars.

We were all in shape, health conscious, and forever hoping to one day stumble upon someone who shared our journey.

It wasn’t that we necessarily expected anything monumental to occur, but we couldn’t preclude the possibility, which was the real hook.

Then down the road we met “the one” and the bar days were over.

For many there was marriage, children and career which went on for 20 or 30 years until it all fell apart and they were back at the same bars, hunting the same fantasies.

Understand that older men don’t spend all their time with hookers in Aspen, Monaco, and the Swiss Alps – or have an interest in attending endless galas and benefits.

Many of us do what we’ve always done: Work, go to the gym, and, at the end of the day, find ourselves alone.

I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

So now what?

Are we supposed to sit home and read history books about dead people?

We may not look like people half our age, but we share similar hopes and dreams where lust and love are concerned.

I know this is irksome, provoking queasiness in the young, but as long as we are alive and well, this is what you can expect from us.

When you’re older you’ll understand.

You might also notice that the very second one of your buddies meets the woman of his dreams, he’ll disappear from your life like an exploding star, never to be seen or heard from again until his relationship fails, at which point your phone will start ringing off the hook at age 50.

See, unlike women, men tend to go to ground and hoard, while they find a middle ground between commitment and an exit strategy.

This is why bars these days are filled men of all ages, your existential nightmares notwithstanding.

Why Men Act Strangely at Middle Age…and Beyond?

Bruce Jenner, 1976 Summer Olympics, Montreal.

Bruce Jenner at age 65, and transitioning into a woman.

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer, 2015.

~~~

Eventually, we all reach a point in life when we start running the actuarial tables, and realize that less days are ahead than behind.

We’ve done it all; been successful, respected, loved and experienced life in all its glory more times than we can count.

Now what?

Here we are at the precipice of twilight, with money in the bank, time on our hands to be the person we always wanted to be, and a stopwatch on the horizon the size of the sun.

It has a way of pressuring us in ways that you have to experience yourself to appreciate.

Some men continue doing what they’ve always done: making movies, transplanting hearts, writing books.

Others explore hobbies they never had time to pursue during the career years, like sailing, skydiving or marathon running.

Among them there are those who lived their lives in ways they considered disingenuous, in spite of all the professional accolades, familial surroundings and beers with the guys during football season.

Men, in general, are not comfortable discussing anything but radiator leaks and headaches, so visualize an aging, one-time Olympic gold-medalist and reality television star with an gender identity issue and Bruce Jenner begins to make sense.

The carnage has to find its way out somehow, and since he’s not getting any younger, and can afford the procedures and security details, why not?

If I were a gay man trapped in a heterosexual relationship, this would be a good time to get a divorce.

If I felt trapped in corporate conformity for the sake of the almighty dollar, I might find myself ditching it all for a job as a trail guide in Telluride, or bar owner down in Acapulco.

Again, if not now, when?

Older men of ambition and drive are still fueled by the same forces that paved the way for their success. These forces don’t die. They do, however, morph, often resurrected when time starts running out and fantasies are still doable.

Jenner’s transition may or may not be a symptom of some severe psychiatric disorder, but he still manages to function in society, pay his taxes, do a reality television show…and show up on time for an interview with Diane Sawyer.

Insanity is not the first thing that comes to mind. Curious, is.

The extreme juxtaposition of masculine Olympian with transgendered person.

But contextually, it’s no different than a “traditional family man” and closeted homicidal sociopath, so there’s that.

And besides, most older men I know are not the people they present.

Some are men of the cloth, and child molesters; others happily married to one woman and happily screwing another. You just never know.

At least Jenner was open about it.

Whatever else he may or may not have done in his life is his business.

You may not like it. You may find him repugnant, deluded, lost. But it’s not your life. Thankfully, you don’t stand in his shoes.

As for it’s impact on society, it’s all about parenting.

Without it, there is no society to speak of as evidenced by children running the streets like revenants from hell.

According to New Reports, Middle Age Lasts Until 74

Pierce Brosnan, 61

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11539573/Middle-age-now-lasts-until-74-as-baby-boomers-refuse-to-grow-old.html

“For many people, 70 is the new 50 and signifies the quiet revolution that has taken place in longevity”

…………….

Among the many trending narratives of the day is the one about Baby Boomers who refuse to age, as if that’s a bad thing.

Would you want to age “gracefully” if you didn’t have to?

Before you answer this question, allow me to put forth my definition of “graceful aging:”

“The process by which a middle-aged male agrees to accept natural physical attrition in exchange for a gated community in Florida.”

In my view [and I’m not alone] this is akin to suicide in slow motion, otherwise known among my circle as the dragging out of the end to eternity until you can’t remember where it all started.

So no.

I don’t know anyone willing to “let go” unless they’re in a psych ward for clinical depression or dying of colon cancer.

An average man who retired in 2012 can expect to live until the age of 86.2 years, while a woman who turned 65 last year would have 23.9 years still to live on average, the ONS estimates.

That’s a lot of time to “drift.”

In my socioeconomic demographic. men are often in the best shape of their adult lives, working out regularly, eating right, getting medical check-ups on an annual basis, and making damn sure their teeth look better than they did when they were in their 20’s, among other things. Believe me, I could go on.

I might also add to this [because it wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t], that most of the men to whom I’m referring are well-educated, urban folk of an upper income variety.

They tend to be ambitious, successful men who carry these traits with them throughout their lives, which are then shaped and molded by the pressures of big city life.

These are not frumpy men in cardigans and distended bellies.

They’re a lot like men half their age, only richer, wiser…and, in some cases, more mature.

They take their health seriously because they would rather go out in a blaze of glory than to fade into irrelevance and obscurity.

Examples in popular culture alone are legion.

Such men don’t lay down for the next generation not only because they’re not finished with their own, but because the generation behind them represents the lion’s share of the women they date and marry.

If this trend continues, and I see no reason it won’t, the next generation will consider a man of 50 “young” and his wife of 25 age-relevant.

Older Man “Lost”

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/11425655/Why-do-so-many-middle-aged-men-feel-so-lost.html

“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of being the co-washer-upper and feeder…”

The article describes “middle-aged” men to be in the 45-54 range, but based on my own personal experience, I would raise the upper end to 62.

The angst to which the article refers began for me in my mid to late 40’s when I first came to the realization that I was no longer a young man of endless promise, but rather, a fully assembled commodity.

Has my professional life been well spent? Should I have taken another path? If so, why didn’t I? Does my current line of work have more juice in the tank, or am I running on fumes? Who am I?

We start adding up our attributes, our accomplishments – whatever we think belongs in the plus column – then subtract our perceived liabilities, and come up with a number we hope we can live with.

If not, we tend to do one of three things:

1] Taunt the hand of fate with alcohol and crack.

2] Buy things we can’t afford.

3] Pretend to be someone we’re not.

I don’t believe any of these require further explanation, particularly the last one.

The unfortunate truth about contemporary life is that the timeline to produce wealth is relatively short.

In that time we are expected to amass a nest-egg capable of producing income without our having to punch a time clock or cash a paycheck.

That’s a lot of pressure.

So let’s say you’re 50 and just lost your 300k/year job. Now what?

If you don’t have income-producing savings, you go through what savings you do have in a heartbeat.

Then your wife leaves you. Your “friends” disappear. You’re alone. Really alone. Too alone without the coping skills necessary to move past the obstacles.

You’re officially in crisis.

It’s too late to change things. You’re merely surplus in a hungry world. You perform no function and, are thus, forced from the herd.

Making matters worse, men are not particularly flexible, and don’t bond well with other men, which makes for a far more difficult passage through this period in life.

The article suggests that men reject the old masculine code that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt,” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Without the ability to bond through the rough times, middle-aged men are damned to a life of painful reflection.

it is only through emotional connectedness that we can begin to discover meaning, hope and resurrection from the outdated models that set the bar for men so high – and room for deviation so narrow – that most simply can not handle the journey.

In my life I have known quite a few men who took their own lives after a divorce or the loss of substantial capital. There was nothing left to turn to. They had done it all and lost it all in a flash.

This is how older men tend to see themselves: Reflections of their accomplishments.

When the fruits of their accomplishments are gone, they go with them.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones don’t fall in the “accomplishments” category as many men subconsciously assume that the people in their lives value them solely in dollar bills.

Personal Trainers: Secret Weapon of Older Men

Many older men have resigned themselves to the notion that their best years are behind them, and that what’s left is a long, drawn out epitaph, otherwise known [around here] as death in slow motion.

This is a mindset, not biology.

With motivation and the proper training, many achieve feats of athleticism they couldn’t come close to in their 20’s.

So what stops them?

Many battle clinical depression.

For others, it’s a chronic injury.

But for the most part, it’s just plain laziness.

The refrain is common:

“Why should I work out? I’m an older man for god’s sake! Who cares?”

I guess the person who should care died a long time ago, which is why people tend to look right through them, reinforcing their sense of irrelevance.

For those who do go to the gym, they often do so to just to avoid injury, or to “stay alive,” as they put it.

Needless to say, this attitude never won a Superbowl or anything else for that matter.

Challenging the forces of nature is not a slam-dunk, but it’s well worth the view if you have the will to climb the mountain.

…………….

There are 3 primary reasons why middle-aged men should hire a personal trainer, in this order:

1] Mental Health

Hypochondria is a pandemic amongst mid-lifers.

Everything is a potential apocalypse: The annual prostate exam, an impending stroke, a heart attack, colon cancer, or the ever-popular brain tumor paranoia. It never ends.

“That shoe will damn well drop, so if not now, when?”

No wonder Xanax sales are through the roof.

But here’s something I’ve learned: The 3 hours a week I spend with my personal trainer are enough to obliterate depressive episodes, anxiety and transient existential pain.

2] Physical Health

One of the biggest fears expressed by middle-aged men is failing health.

I’m not referring to a terminal illness, but literally, physical strength.

Without it, men begin to feel vulnerable and defeated.

“No longer can I protect those close to me,” is the way it comes across, but rapidly escalates into “I am no longer physically respected and relevant.”

From here it’s down the rabbit hole.

3] Medical Bills

“OMG everthing is falling the hell apart. My back hurts, my shoulder hurts, I have stomach pain, headaches, arthritis, I can’t lift a toothbrush…”

Sound familiar?

Poor health costs a hell of a lot more than your self-esteem.

In many cases it can rival your home mortgage. A typical hospital stay is somewhere in the 6k/day range, if this helps.

For less than that amount over 365 days, you could hire a personal trainer and tell the hospitals to kiss your ass.

Preventive medicine is the future. Without it, there is no future.

If after all you do you still land the the emergency room, it’s probably genetic.

……………..

Postscript

I like being physically strong. There’s something about lifting a lot of weight that’s emotionally transformative.

And while professional achievement is always a great picker-upper, having both is 10 times the high.

No longer are you a fading older man, but rather a successful older man who can stand should-to-shoulder with men half your age, dignity in tact.

With this as a backdrop, if I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that personal trainers are probably responsible for hundreds of millions of dollars in lost therapy revenues.

There’s only so much you can do on the couch before you have to get your ass up and get back to living.

Nobody “looks right through” a man’s who super fit no matter what his age happens to be.

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