Congratulations to Billy and Alexis!
See folks, life is not an actuarial table. It’s a journey with no particular timeline.
In the end, love is wherever you find it…no matter what the accountants say.
Post Category → Relevance
Denial’s a Bitch
Where she started…
What’s left…
After belting out her classic song of female empowerment “Express Yourself,” at Coachella, the 56-year-old pop legend, Madonna, pulled the 28-year-old singer, Drake, back in his chair to plant a heavy kiss on his lips.
Then all hell broke loose.
~~~
Naivete in grownups is often charming; but when coupled with vanity it is indistinguishable from stupidity. Eric Hoffer
~~~
Madonna is closing in on 60 years old and a shadow of her former self, which I know is shocking to those of you who think she resembles the woman on the cover of her new CD.
If she were a writer or folk singer or politician or television actor or newscaster or cashier at WalMart she could go on and on and on. But sex symbol? Please.
And that gold dental grill!!! Seriously??? What drugs drive people this far off the ranch???
I guess it has everything to do with being at the top of the pop music world for decades only to feel pressured to pass the baton to the next generation.
If it were me, I’d do the same damn thing as long as I had no idea how ridiculous it made me look.
I’m sure no one let’s her in on this dirty little secret, though.
Why would they? Their careers rest on her perpetuity no matter how desperate she looks in the process.
But what propelled her to stardom is still part of who she is today. In this sense, she is stuck in the past, always looking for the next opportunity to resurrect herself, this time around with an undercurrent of indignant rage.
The bottom line is that she is no longer “herself” on the outside, which means that she has to redefine who she is on the inside.
At this writing, this does not appear to be happening.
Nonetheless, what she’s going through is not unique to women.
Men become the punchlines of jokes when they live the way they did 30 ago, refusing to acknowledge that 30 years have passed.
We all age. It sucks. It’s nature’s cruel joke. Call it what you will. But it’s a reality we all face no matter who we are.
Some fare better than others, mostly because they’re not Madonna.
They don’t have to fill stadiums, pander to fans, focus on trying to bend and shape perception of aging until people no longer see it.
In this sense Madonna as “Madonna” is her own worst nightmare.
If she wants to salvage her dignity and assure a resurrection of sorts, she should take her own advice and perform alone on a simple stage with an acoustic guitar.
No dancers, backup singers, pyrotechnics and god’s knows what the hell else.
Now that would be a concert worth seeing.
POSTSCRIPT
Who attends Madonna concerts?
1] Older women who relate to her midlife delusions.
2] Gay men who imagine Madonna loves them more than she loves herself.
3] No one else that I’m aware of.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/11/madonna-gay-fans-_n_6846882.html
UPDATE
Now Drake has said that, in so many words, he was delighted to have had the opportunity to be kissed by the queen, Madonna.
Yea right, dude.
Best to cover your ass.
Aging, Insecurity and the Quest for Immortality
Day after day after day older men are bombarded with images like these that tout the benefits of testosterone replacement.
I’m not going to go into all the conflicting research because I can’t delineate advertising from hard research. But as a man in the center of the marketing bulls-eye [i.e., right age and socioeconomic profile], I know all about the pressure to fold.
If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that between 80 and 90 percent of the men in my demographic [58-64] are on some form of testosterone supplementation.
This is not an exaggeration.
How else could they drop so much body fat while building and/or maintaining so much muscle mass and strength – without training even a tenth as hard as I do?
Let’s be honest. Most affluent older men don’t want to spend their entire lives in the gym, nor do they want the other hassles associated with aging, like not being able to maintain an erection for an hour, or having to rest and recovery like an old person.
They want to wake up fully refreshed, on 6 hours of sleep, with a raging hard-on and enough energy to power a small city.
For me, it’s more like 8 hours of sleep followed by 30 minutes of stretching just to pull myself out of bed because I’m so damn sore from the previous days’ workout, and then 6 cups of coffee all before acknowledging anyone or anything else around me.
Which would you choose?
That’s what I thought, and why the testosterone replacement industry has exceeded the 2 billion dollar mark…and rising fast.
Soon, all of us will be on “T” as the baselines rise to fit industry expansion strategies.
The mantra in my health club is that the AMA [American Medical Association] is living in the Dark Ages, and that people of means should see a urologist “in the know.”
Why waste such a great life on outdated research and thinking? is the way it’s usually phrased.
At this writing I see no way the blitzing will end – or the patient count drop.
I would also love to look and feel the way I did 20 years ago. But I am only human, and no matter how well I eat or how much time I spend in the gym, I’m still mortal.
I know this is simply unacceptable to many men of my generation as much as it is unacceptable for a 60-year-old man to drive a Buick over an Aston Martin. I get it. If you can afford the best, why not?
With testosterone injections you take the risks with the rewards because there’s only one NOW and “tomorrows” in an actuarial context are fewer than ever before.
In other words, while the Buick may save your life, the Aston Martin makes whatever is left of it worth the risk. It’s that simple.
Whether or not I will capitulate to the barrage of influence is still uncertain. I discuss this with my trainer every time we meet and it always ends in a kind of detente.
He says no and I say maybe.
OVERVIEW
It bears noting that older men with good lives are also at greater risk of clinical hypochondria.
Blood tests “every 5 minutes” is normal.
“My doctor wants my cholesterol levels below 120, so now I’m on a statin drug, which means I’m back in his office every few months for blood-work to determine whether or not my medications are screwing up my kidneys or my liver or whatever.”
Okay, so now he’s on testosterone replacement and a statin drug, and he’s just getting started on the hamster wheel.
How about chest pain?
Shortness of breath after a workout? How can that possibly be?
Not that the following item isn’t completely natural, but did you know hair loss could indicate an autoimmune disease like lupus?
“Heavens to Betsy get my ass back in that car! we’re headed back to the emergency room! I knew he missed something!”
“And ya know, now that I’m thinking about it, my penis was insubordinate this morning, so I’ll ask him about the possibility of my having multiple sclerosis.”
“And come to think of it I’m more fatigued than I was at 17. I must have diabetes or a malfunctioning thyroid gland. Crap! ”
“I might add that I was dizzy the other day, which goes back to heart disease, stroke, or even shock. And why the hell do I drink so much water??? They say it’s an indicator of failing organs. And god knows I have trouble remembering people’s names. Is it Alzheimer’s? And my damn vision is not what it used to be, so it must be macular degeneration!”
“I AM SO SCREWED!”
This part is true, but not for the reasons you think.
……………
We’re all just waiting for the other show to drop, which is exactly why we’d all be far better off in therapy than the office of a urologist.
The “Ideal Female Physique” to Certain Men of a Certain Age
Not that I need to remind any of you in my demographic, but for “outsiders” interested in what older men find physically ideal in women, you can use the link below to run the numbers for yourselves.
Most women I’m around can recite them in their sleep.
http://www.stepfordwives.org/diary/tag/stepford-wives-body-size/
Needless to say, what you want is not necessarily what you get.
………………..
I was in the gym yesterday when one of the guys I train with commented on how many of the women around us had identical physiques.
I guess my narrative is beginning to rub off on some of these guys.
“OF COURSE THEY ALL LOOK [AND ACT] ALIKE! SO DO BLACK OPS! IT’S HOW THEY WIN WARS!”
………………
Speaking in generalities is always a dicey proposition, but generalizations do have their place, or no one would have the vaguest idea what I was talking about.
To wit, women of a certain demographic – or those aspiring to become members of it – know that a specific appearance is the key to “moving up.”
It’s not that other attributes are ignored. It’s that one opens the door while the other closes it behind them.
Let’s take my health club, for example.
All of the “well married” – or aspirants – look like they rolled out of the same factory.
Their overall physique is best described as “long and lean.”
Some have described it as that of 12-year-old boys in yoga pants and tans.
But why would any man want the women in his life to look like an adolescent boy?
Here are 5 of the most commonly cited reasons, though they tend to avoid using the adolescent boy metaphor:
1] High-end fashion apparel is designed around a long, lean look, so women who look this way always look great at cocktail parties and benefits.
2] Women on the “curvy” side give the impression that the men in their company are, for whatever reason, are unable to command a more exemplary model.
3] Women who are “long and lean” look more educated, cultured and intelligent, which reflects well on the man in their lives, even if neither is the actual case.
4] Men of this demographic prefer smaller women they can physically handle, and subconsciously, dominate.
5] Women who fit this profile avoid criticism from other women, which makes men who rely on flawless social reflections feel better about their choice in mates.
POSTSCRIPT
I was having lunch yesterday at my health-club when one of the staff approached my table to thank me for helping her with her diet. I simply suggested that she try a diet more in line with the Paleo guidelines, which avoid such items as bread.
But what struck me wasn’t that something I suggested was helping her accomplish her weight goals, but why she was trying to lose so much weight in the first place.
“Jay,” she said, “I know that my ticket out of this job is my body. If I can just get that lean look, I can come back here as a member.”
A few statistics worth noting from the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders:
1] Women are much more likely than men to develop an eating disorder. Only an estimated 5 to 15 percent of people with anorexia or bulimia are male.14
2] An estimated 0.5 to 3.7 percent of women suffer from anorexia nervosa in their lifetime.14 Research suggests that about 1 percent of female adolescents have anorexia.
3] An estimated 1.1 to 4.2 percent of women have bulimia nervosa in their lifetime.
4] An estimated 2 to 5 percent of Americans experience binge-eating disorder in a 6-month period.
5] About 50 percent of people who have had anorexia develop bulimia or bulimic patterns.
6] 20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems.
Needless to say, the costs of maintenance are usually ten times the value of homes in nicer neighborhoods, and I haven’t even mentioned jail time for women who suffer homicidal rage targeted at the husbands.
“What? Me Retire?” Mick Jagger, 72
Mick Jagger discussed retirement, the Rolling Stones’ upcoming tour and the ‘Sticky Fingers’ box set in a new interview. Joel Ryan/AP
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/features/mick-jagger-im-not-thinking-about-retirement-20150407
Rock on, Mick.
Piers Morgan Assails Plastic Surgeons and the Battle for Immortality: A Brief Discussion on the Psychopathology of Aging
Dr Fredric Brandt, pictured here with fan Kelly Ripa
In this article [tirade], Piers Morgan trashes physician Fredric Brandt for what he claims to be exploitation of client vanity. You can read the article for yourself. Suffice to say, Morgan is no stranger to sensationalizing cultural hot buttons.
………………
The following link explores the world Dr. Brandt and the pursuit of physical perfection. I will follow up with a discussion of vanity among middle-aged men, and their insatiable pursuit of “relevance” as they see it.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3029107/PICTURE-EXCLUSIVE-Famed-plastic-surgeon-Dr-Fredric-Brandt-s-high-school-photos-reveal-handsome-student-suicide-doctor-object-ridicule-Tina-Fey-s-NetFlix-show.html
……………
Like everything else in life, you can eat too many cheeseburgers. Once in a while is fine. Every day and you’re a walking dead man.
Same is true of fitness.
After a certain age, if you workout 7 days a week, 3 hours a day you’re going to end up in the hospital.
Cut it back to 1 hour a day, 6 days a week – with good diet and lots of rest – and you can go on and on and on.
When it comes to the other “maintenance” most people refer to as plastic surgery, the same logic applies.
If your laugh lines look like ravines in photo ops, you can visit a dermatologist and a dermal filler erase them in 5 minutes.
But if you’re back every week for another procedure, I might suggest a psychiatrist.
As a middle-aged man the disastrous effects this quest for perfection has on people is impossible to miss.
Most of these people never saw a needle they didn’t like.
And it’s not like you’re going to be dissuaded by physicians who pursue this area of medicine for everything but altruism.
It’s big business, and they’re masters of monetizing insecurity.
Most physicians in this trade only see the credit card, not the self-esteem on life support.
So get a grip.
Having said this, when surgeries get to a point where even the physician refuses further procedures on ethical grounds, it’s usually a business decision tied to a patient’s sudden resemblance to fish.
Dating at Middle Age – It’s Still a Man’s World
There are times when reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind. Patrick Rothfuss.
…………..
http://omgchronicles.vickilarson.com/2014/01/15/dating-at-middle-age-why-bother/
There are no shortages of women-run “advice” sites extolling the virtues of older women and the men who just can’t wait to date them.
Most, if not all, of this is wishful thinking – or a marketing ploy – designed to drum up web hits from an audience of older women who feel invisible in a world that values youth and beauty before other qualities.
These sites claim that older women are simply more selective than younger men and women, which is why it’s harder for them to find partners.
This is true.
If I were a 50 or 60-year-old woman expecting to find a fit, handsome and highly successful man my age to date and marry, I’d have to be out of my mind.
Most men who fit that description are looking at women in their 20’s, 30’s and maybe, early 40’s.
But like I said, the narrative is good for attracting female readers looking for a glimmer of hope in what appears to be an existential nightmare because it is an existential nightmare.
As I cover in my new book, Urban Dystrophy, the biggest problem women face is the delusion that such men have reached a stage in life where they look beyond the physical, which is about as ridiculous as it sounds no matter what you hear to the contrary.
Most of these men have already been married and are now statistics in the “gray divorce” pile up.
They said “I do” in their 20’s, went on to build a family and career, made a ton of money, and are now bored and entitled.
What they want this time around is NOT the older woman they divorced, but the one they married back when they got married.
They want to start all over again at 50 or 60 with someone reflective of their accomplishments.
Now you know the origin of the term: Trophy Wife.
But for most men I know, it’s far more complex.
In addition to the trophy aspects of the woman they also want someone they can converse with, share a mutual understanding, and love.
Older women often refer to this as man’s delusion, but for the more self-actualized among us, this is simply not the case.
While our accomplishments tend to precede us, there are no shortages of younger women waiting in line to date, live with, and ultimately, marry us.
That’s a lot to ask of a younger woman just starting out in life, to be perfectly frank.
And while some of them are grifters and psychopaths, many, many more are everything but.
In the end, it’s not that older men don’t didn’t find women their age interesting. It’s that they are simply not physically attracted to them.
Note: Most successful older women I personally know either date – and underwrite – much younger men, or they sleep alone.
Thankfully, women are better adapted to single-hood as evidenced by their ability to bond with other women in ways that men find difficult, if not impossible.
In this sense we both win. Count your blessings.
Older Men and Their Obsession with “Packaging”
Not all men are superficial.
I have actually known a few in their 50’s and 60’s who chose women their own age [within 5 years].
A few. Not many.
Most of them fell into the following categories:
1] Passive men lacking in ambition and drive who find emotional fulfillment in the company of powerful mother figures who do the driving for them.
2] Men with average to low libidos seeking travel companions.
3] Men who feign interest in such women because they look good on paper, but end up with women half their age because they look better in the flesh.
4] Normal, well adjusted men who would never consider dating anyone outside of their own age demographic because they live in the same psychological box they grew up in.
5] Budding serial killers looking for an older, submissive companion who will blend in with the neighborhood and stay out of the shed.
6] Men who have been married to the same women for decades and don’t see the changes as profoundly as they would had they met them on a Match date yesterday.
7] Men who genuinely love their wives too much to leave them, mistresses notwithstanding.
Understand that what gets people to where they are in life tends also to drive every other aspect of their life.
As I “testified” in my soon-to-be-released book, Urban Dystrophy, The Perverse Truths About Mid-Life in the Big City, there is nothing more powerful, no greater human commodity in the mind of a driven and successful older man, than youth and beauty.
Now you know the true crucible of older women.
Fortunately, due to the resiliency of gender adaptation, women are able to emotionally bond with others of their gender, enabling them to outlive their male counterparts by several years.
In this sense, we both win.
POSTSCRIPT
I remembered bookmarking this article from last month’s Huffington Post, and thought it would dovetail nicely with the narrative of this discussion. In it, Eva Mendes claims that the leading cause of divorce is “sweatpants.” If I may, I think that what Ms. Mendes was trying to say is that men
are visual first, human second.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/19/eva-mendes-sweatpants_n_6902570.html
On Longevity: The Married vs Single Debate
Most middle-aged single men I know want to be in relationships, which may come as a shock to women who assume that these guys are merely womanizing frat boys in grown up bodies.
As it turns out, running the streets like packs of wolves gets old fast [literally and figuratively].
Back in the day [not long ago], I ran the streets 6 nights a week, every night another opportunity to meet THE ONE, even if the woman I happened to wake up with the next morning was everything but.
I was lost in the labyrinth of what if, which fueled those familiar brain chemicals I couldn’t live without.
It’s a funny little game men play with themselves when they reach a certain age and their empty homes feels like Purgatory.
Men like me hate going to bars, and the only reason we do is because the alternative [staying home alone] is far worse.
It’s hard on the soul to cast a line night after night no matter what the pretense happens to be. After a while it becomes a preoccupation that settles in like a virus that bleeds us of relevance and meaning.
Men tend to drink more, pay less attention to things that might otherwise be important to them, and generally speaking, burn the candle at both ends for months or years without payback.
Once a man finds himself in a healthy relationship, he discovers emotional support, physical and emotional intimacy, and deeper social ties to family. These factors alone drop blood pressure and relieve the low level anxiety that burns like a brush fire from deep inside the soul.
Robin Simon, a professor of sociology at Wakefield University, writes in Psychiatry Weekly that positive interpersonal relationships are better for men on many levels. “…Marriage provides social support — including emotional, financial, and instrumental support. Also, married people have greater psychosocial (or coping) resources than the non-married — higher self-esteem and greater mastery.”
Of course, the relationship or marriage in question must be a healthy one or he’s better off back at the bars.
The one downside of good relationships appears to be a greater propensity for obesity. After all, when you’re no longer spending 5 hours a day in the gym followed by a tanning appointment, that tends to happen.
One study found that married men were 25% more likely to be overweight or obese compared to single men or those in committed relationships.
Personally, I find this angle tough to swallow because committed relationships and marriage are kind of the same thing. I guess that piece of paper means more than most of us realize…or want to realize as the case may be.
Nonetheless, “the emphasis on looks and waistline may not matter as much,” it was postulated.
No kidding. When you’re “off the market” it means less, but it can also mean a hell of a lot more if you let it get away with you.
The findings concluded that in “healthy” relationships, greater longevity is the net result.
With this as a backdrop, it bears noting that older women are far better at establishing relationships and bonding with other women, making single-hood an easier ride.
This is in stark contrast to men who continue to act out like lone wolves in search of themselves.
SUMMARY
For all of this to play out the way it’s supposed to, the relationship in question must be a healthy one.
So the real question is whether men think the price of putting in the work to keep them running smoothly is worth a few extra years of life.
Retirement is Death by Any Other Word.
“The entire concept of retirement is unique to the late-20th century. Before World War II, most Americans worked until they died.” Morgan Housel
I had a conversation about early retirement with a guy at my gym recently. He’s in his late 40’s and was fortunate enough to have the choice to hang it up 5 years ago.
It didn’t work.
First the boredom set in, followed closely by a sense of fading relevance…and his retirement was over.
He saw the connection between early retirement and premature death [in his case, psychological death], and realized they both lead to a similar conclusions.
I took advantage of the same opportunity back in 2005, and found myself back to work within a year.
Back in the early part of the 20th century, there were few opportunities for anyone to retire before they died, if only because people had to eat.
There were no pensions, no IRA’s and related retirement packages. But quite frankly, people didn’t live as long, either. Or, as well as we do today.
Now guys in my particular demographic look 20 years younger than they actually are, and tend to live twice as long as their predecessors, often with women half their age, which may or may not lead to even longer lives.
So basically we have all these older men with time on their hands and nothing to do with it other than travel with their mistresses.
It gets boring, particularly for high achievers who are used to challenges money can’t buy.
No wonder so many of the older bands are touring again.
They already have money, and as a result lots of free time on their hands. What would you do? Fade away? I doubt it.
The first is a link to an article about Roger Daltrey [71] of The Who:
Daltrey tells Rolling Stone: “My voice is fine. I’m enjoying playing. There’s something about looking down the end of a telescope and seeing the potential end, but if I shut my eyes, I’m still 21.”
http://classicrock.teamrock.com/news/2015-03-30/who-roger-daltrey-scars-of-age
Then there’s Joe Elliot [55] of Def Leppard:
“Age doesn’t matter anymore. That’s the one thing that’s become a pattern over the last seven or eight years, with (Paul) McCartney still out there and the (Rolling) Stones still out there, and even Aerosmith and AC/DC getting up there. Billy Joel, Elton John. These are people that have been around since the ’60s and they’re still selling stadiums out. There’s nobody else that seems to be coming through to take over. They’re not stepping aside, they’re fighting. They’re fighting us, and we’re fighting the generation below us.”
I like to use rock ‘n roll references because I’m a fan of the genre.
When you grow up in that era it becomes part of you.
But the list is hardly limited to rock musicians and entertainers, in general. It encompasses every career ambitious men find themselves.
With this in mind, here are the five reasons retirement is a bad idea. These were culled from countless articles on the subject:
1] You Will Die Much Faster
There are many reasons for this, including a more sedentary lifestyle, but never underestimate the destructive power of an inactive mind.
2] You Will Have a Hard Time Making Your Money Last
Unless you’re very affluent, the fact that you will live longer than you ever imagined is real possibility. So if boredom doesn’t kill you, your investment portfolio will.
3] Spending all that extra time with your family is overrated.
Most men I know can’t wait to get out of the house. They look forward to travel and career advancement opportunities because they know that once they’ve had their fill of conquering the world, they can come home to a family that loves them. What this translates to is…I love my family in small doses, no offense intended.
4] You’re Probably Not Going to Spend Your Time Writing the Great American Novel.
If you wanted to do that you would have already done it. It’s a myth people create to justify the next chapter, which never comes.
5] Boredom is Another Word for Death
Are you kidding me? Fishing? Really? How many fish can you catch and release before it’s just a numbers game? Let’s see if I can remember how many fish I caught today? And golf? Unless you’re a professional golfer, you will start seeing golf courses the way you see cemeteries, all manicured and beautiful…with your body beneath them. And finally, there’s Florida. The quintessential fantasy destination for the too-soon-to-retire crowd who imagine long walks on a beach followed by lunch, a nap, then dinner, then another walk on the beach, this time with seagulls hovering above, waiting for the moment you keel over from boredom. The psychological damage from a Florida retirement before the age of 80 is enough to subtract 10 years from a man’s life.
SUMMARY
People just assume that wealthy people continue to work because they’re obsessed with making more money, because more money somehow equate to more happiness, but this simply is not the case. They work because it gives them relevance, meaning, and purpose.
If I had to redefine the concept of contemporary retirement for successful men, it would read something like this: Retirement is the ability to keep doing what you love to do on your own terms, which is what everybody ultimately wants, anyway.
NEWSFLASH: NEW STONES TOUR JUST ANNOUNCED! http://www.nme.com/news/the-rolling-stones/84086