Want to be a “Cool” Older Man? Start With the Right Attire.

By popular demand, I’m going to share with you what I consider to be kick ass looks for men in their 50’s and 60’s.

Many of you have hit a second stride.

You want to start going out, meeting new people…making the right impressions.

You’ve done all the hard work getting here, including staying in top physical condition, so it’s now or never to make that second stand.

PROBLEM #1: While you were out making money, raising a family, and spending whatever free time you had with your grammar school buddies at the Bushwood Country Club, you forgot that there was life outside.

PROBLEM #2: While your wife may claim to be perfectly happy with you just the way you are, you may not agree.

There are several interesting reasons for the later, but I’ll leave that to another blog.

~~~

A few more regrettable – but fixable – facts:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2424325/Men-appearance-age-46–women-work-looks-decade.html

~~~

First, we’re going to start with the three P’s.

They are your…

1] Physical condition

If you’re obese, you’ll look like a Mardi Gras float in whatever you wear. You don’t have to be an Adonis, but you do have to get beyond the ONE SIZE FITS ALL category.

2] Posture

So let’s say you r are an Adonis, bad posture will obliterate all your gains in a heartbeat. Remember, shoulders back. Walk tall and be a man worth his salt.

Only rich oligarchs get away with bad posture because they’re only surrounded by the people they employ, mostly showgirls.

3] Presentation and/or style

What you wear speaks volumes.

As the old saying goes, “presentation, presentation, presentation…”

First impressions are usually the last impressions you will ever make in life.

~~~

With this behind us, what I will present to you are 3 completely different looks, each with 3 examples of clothing choices ranging from casual to formal attire – all of which play well in large urban settings, including all of them.

I’m sure that somewhere in all of this you can find yourselves all over again.

CATEGORY ONE: BAD BOY CHIC [aka, kiss my ass]

CATEGORY TWO: SMART CONSERVATIVE [say what you want, you country club guys wish you looked this good]

CATEGORY THREE: STYLISH ECCENTRIC

~~~

BAD BOYS

Daytime, hanging out, being the bad ass that you are.

Smart casual, out to dinner.

Show up to a fundraiser in this and you get a gold star.

SMART CONSERVATIVE

Daytime, hanging out at “Bushwood” overlooking the greens.

Casual look, out to dinner.

Formal, well done.

STYLISH ECCENTRIC

You could probably make a down payment on a house for the cost of what this dude’s wearing, but he does pull it off well. Daytime, nighttime, anytime he feels like it.

He doesn’t care what you think, but he knows you’re curious.

Great twists on traditional themes.

For more styling ideas, check out this page: https://www.pinterest.com/explore/older-mens-fashion/

You might also save yourself a lot of trouble and just visit John Varvatos: https://www.johnvarvatos.com/

~~~

SUMMARY

I know that many of you are uncomfortable stepping out of your comfort zones.

It’s tough to be an individual when you’ve spent your entire life fitting in, being accepted.

But some of you have had enough of the bullshit and are now ready to step out of the box.

Congratulations.

It takes courage to finally be who you are at midlife and beyond.

For many midlife is a period of rebirth.

This is what rebirth should look like.

Why Women Should be Dating Older Men in Their 50’s and Beyond…

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-w-anderson/reasons-women-should-be-dating-men-in-their-50s_b_6841616.html

You might also enjoy the following Facebook group:

https://www.facebook.com/fitguysover50

The Huffington Post article lists ten reasons why women should date older men.

I’ll add to the narrative:

1] Maturity

2] Gray hair

3] Good in Bed

4] Loves kids, but doesn’t want to burden you with his own.

5] Makes – and sticks to – date plans.

6] Physically fit.

7] Financially stable.

8] Knows he’s going to0 pay on the first date.

9] Well-traveled.

10] Doesn’t want you to mother him.

~~~

Okay, so for the past 4 and a half years I have lived with a woman half my age.

I’m not bragging, believe me.

Nothing is a panacea no matter what it looks like from the outside.

For one thing, it gets annoying when people refer to her as my daughter.

Thank God the ID thing finally stopped.

This is all part of the drill.

My ex was age-appropriate and often mistaken for a my mother, so we’re even.

With this in mind, why would a woman so young be interested in a man so much older?

While many will pontificate on her ulterior motives, I can assure you that she can find wealthier men all over Houston.

With this said, it boils down to the following 5 items:

1] Common interests.

We met through the art world, which means we met under circumstances of common interest, rather than a bar where anything and everything can – and usually does – happen under circumstances best left to local law enforcement.

We are also avid fitness and music enthusiasts.

When we first met I noticed that her classic rock collection rivaled mine – and mine is serious by most standards, believe me.

2] Sex.

To be perfectly honest with you [and I hate admitting this, by the way], there was a time in my life when I could not have cared less whether the woman in bed with me reached climax.

It was all about me, my needs, my conquest.

Today, it’s the opposite. It’s about her pleasure first, which I’ve found to be more fulfilling.

I don’t have anything to prove to myself beyond what I already know.

Being experienced – and appreciative –is a big deal in the bedroom.

3] Financial stability.

I know most people want to automatically make this #1, but it isn’t.

Contrary to popular belief, young woman don’t like blowing the best years of their lives on someone they’re not attracted to.

But it is also true most men in their 20’s and 30’s are still living at home, and a night on the town usually involves kegs, sliders and sports under fluorescent light.

With this as a backdrop, financial stability takes the edge off of life, and allows women time to step out of survival mode.

3] Maturity.

While some women enjoy getting wasted, sleeping with strangers, and partying all night long, others prefer a refuge from what feels like all out war to be a better alternative.

4] Knows who he is and what he wants.

When I was 27 I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

I liked a lot of things, but couldn’t seem to settle on any one.

This included women.

Enough said on this one.

5] Has the time to devote to a relationship.

This one certainly ties into the 3rd item on my list, but it’s important to note that the relationship itself is on equal footing with everything else in an older man’s life.

He doesn’t have to climb the corporate ladder all over again.

This time in life is his to share with someone else.

He isn’t “on the road” every five minutes trying to satisfy the demands of a corporation bleeding him soulless.

At this juncture, he is the corporation and anyone who suggests otherwise can deal with his middle finger.

SUMMARY

The is no perfect relationship, no matter what the difference in age happens to be.

Whether it’s an older man with a younger woman, or an older woman in the same situation, it’s all about making the pieces fit.

It’s a more conscious process than it was back in the days when a smile sealed the deal.

Now it’s about who we’ve become, who we are, and what we want.

This takes about as much of the guesswork out of life as one can reasonably expect from human beings.

For many younger women, that’s more than enough.

Longer Life Vs. Quality of Life

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2010/feb/14/elderly-overweight-lower-mortality-risk

“…being overweight was a major risk factor for many health problems, including Type 2 diabetes, hypertension, stroke, coronary disease, cancer and loss of physical function. “These are strong enough reasons to strive for a healthy weight and avoidance of obesity. Moreover, given all the adverse effects of obesity on health, it isn’t biologically plausible that being overweight would lower mortality risks.”

In recent years there has been quite a bit of “noise” about older adults [65+] experiencing longer lives when their BMI [body mass index] is slightly above federal standards.

The rationale is that, perhaps, in cases when people are undergoing surgery or experience illness, they have physical “reserves” to draw from that keep them alive longer.

But at what cost?

If I had the choice to be 70 years old, but in poor health, or in great health up to the moment I died at, say, 70, I’d pick the later.

This real issue here is quality of life, not survival.

If all we managed to do was survive, why bother?

This is why this “living longer with extra fat” narrative is absurd as a practical matter.

Nonetheless, it bears noting that every study indicates that sedentary lifestyles, in general, are the leading cause of illness and premature death among older adults.

Just ask the guys in the above photograph.

Midlife Not for the Faint of Heart

“Out here on the perimeter, there are no stars…” Jim Morrison

Yea, no shit.

The following is an excerpt from my new book, Urban Dystrophy, now available on Amazon.

It’s probably a familiar narrative to many of you:

“I’m sitting at a white plastic table in front of a wine bar. It’s one o’clock on a Tuesday morning and an empty parking lot is the only landscape. The streets are deserted. Most guys my age are asleep. Their time came and went, and they let go in that unconscious way most men do when their stories have been told and the end is a long, drawn-out epitaph.

But, I stayed behind, along with the rest of the itinerants of the night. I have no place to go that I haven’t already been, and nothing to do but wait and hope and sometimes pray for mercy that relevance and that one big love will one day redeem me, but it never does. Not really.

We’re beyond salvation. Most of us. There have been exceptions, but the grace is never a hundred percent and you have to make peace with that the best you can. We’re members of the bitten, the damned, the fighters against the forces of time until we no longer can. Most of us are children of narcissists, narcissists who never died because narcissists never do—they’re just recycled and the kids are left to clean up the mess.

I wonder where all the time went. Time is all I have left to make a final stand. I remember my first midlife crisis at 28. The rest is a blur. Decades came and went. Now I can’t even remember yesterday, much less last week.

Urban Dystrophy

http://www.amazon.com/Urban-Dystrophy-Perverse-Truths-Mid-Life-ebook/dp/B00VH3NKGA

Reinventing Yourself in the Middle Years.

We all dream, some bigger than others.

But as life wears on and we find ourselves somewhere between youth and old age, we often wonder if pursuing them isn’t a fool’s errand.

It’s not…as long as you can afford them.

~~~

I can’t count the number of men in my age demographic [58-64] who’ve decided to radically change directions in life.

1] Some changed wives.

2] Some changed careers.

3] Some went fly fishing.

But all of them had the financial resources to do all of it without fear of ending up under a bridge.

Their backs weren’t against a wall. Change wasn’t something they had to face.

When it is, I’m sorry and good luck. You’ll need it.

With this in mind, the first consideration when making the decision to reinvent oneself is MONEY.

It doesn’t have to be a lot.

But if you feel more secure having that income from computer programming in Florida than whatever you’d earn as a trail guide and wildlife photographer in Seattle, you might want to reconsider the move.

You’re no longer a kid.

Landing on your feet this time around will be a lot harder than it used to be.

I know this isn’t the stuff of fantasy, but fantasy this time around is a lot more expensive.

Using MONEY as the template for reinventing oneself, let’s take a look at the 3 possibilities mentioned above.

1] Some changed wives.

Many middle aged men find themselves in 20-year marriages that feel more like a death sentence.

The sex is dead and/or on life support, and whatever common interests they once shared is a distant memory.

Typical example: Middle-aged man decides to get in the best shape of his life, but his wife prefers sitting on the couch with a pile of history books and a bag of Cheetos.

Now what?

The usual outcome is that he either gets his wife on board with his new lifestyle habits, or he gets a new wife.

Some men buy Harley’s and hit the road with a fanny pack full of pharmaceutical grade testosterone, telling their wives they need time to find themselves.

Others take on a mistress without telling their wives anything at all.

The last group lingers somewhere between action and inaction, which usually ends badly for all parties because they’re forever in transition.

They don’t have the funds to cover the divorce attorneys and mistresses, so live vicariously through others–or sneak off to strip clubs for a few moments of pleasure before returning to hell.

2] Some changed careers.

Most guys I know make lateral moves in their careers.

Retired pro athlete becomes a sportscaster.

Actor becomes producer.

Musician starts his own label.

These moves make a lot of financial sense because they’re lateral.

These men aren’t coming out of lackluster careers in the insurance industry hoping to become rock stars.

However, with enough success under one’s belt, you can play male-believe rock star and people are still happy to take your credit cards.

Again, it’s a pragmatic approach to life that one must consider after enough years have passed.

3] Some went fly fishing.

Some guys don’t have a particular passion in life, so they do what they enjoy doing and call it a day.

While sitting on a beach in Jamaica for the rest of ones life may not be enough to fulfill many of you. But staying “relevant” in the context of popular culture isn’t for everyone, especially men who coasted through life doing what they were supposed to do because they didn’t know what else to do.

1] They went to school.

2] They got a job, any job.

3] They got married.

4] They had kids.

5] They retired.

You may not know their names, or recognize their faces, but there are tens of millions of them on every continent.

They make up the lion’s share of the world’s population.

Not everyone is an overachiever, not everyone wired for greatness.

If this were the case we’d all kill each other.

In many ways, these guys are among the most fortunate because they don’t need to feel involved in life in order to derive satisfaction from it.

SUMMARY

The men in my demographic do whatever the hell they want to do because they can afford it.

I’m not talking about private jets, homes in Aspen, or presidential suites at the Beverly Wilshire, though many enjoy all three.

I’m talking about comfortable lives in the absence of financial worry.

To be perfectly honest with you, these men are the happiest men I know.

Is there a direct correlation between money and happiness?

Yes.

Is having a tremendous fortune necessary in order to achieve happiness?

No.

Just understand that without enough of it, reinvention is an uphill battle that few men in their late 50’s or 60’s are prepared to face unless the road is already paved.

If you’d like an all-around happy ending to the reinvention debate, check this out from Mail Online:

Shared dreams…and money.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/travel_news/article-3161069/Tiny-sailors-Caribbean-Meet-extraordinary-water-babies-grown-travelling-world-boat-ocean-loving-parents.html

Rise of the “Kidult”

“Kidult” [Wiki]: In the early 21st century, there was reporting that for an adult to have interests traditionally expected only from children is not necessary an anomaly. The entertainment industry was quick to recognize the trend, and introduced a special category, “kidult,” of things marketable for kids and adults alike. Enormous successes of films such as Shrek and Harry Potter, of books traditionally targeted for teenagers and the fact that Disneyland is among the world’s top adult (without kids) vacation destinations seem to indicate that “kidulthood” is a rather mainstream phenomenon. And unlike puer aeternus, “rejuveniles” successfully marry adult responsibilities with non-adult interests. When Christopher Noxon appeared on The Colbert Report on June 29, 2006, he remarked that “There’s a big difference between childish and childlike”.

~~~

“Normal” people look at guys like me and wonder what happened?

“Is he ever going to grow up?”

“Why is he not out-of-shape?”

“Why doesn’t he have an age-appropriate girlfriend? Is he intimidated by women his own age?”

“Is the young woman in his home a gold-digger, or did her father not love her enough?”

“Why doesn’t he have children?”

“Is he too selfish, narcissistic and self-absorbed to share his life with others?”

“Why doesn’t he dress more conservatively like other men his age?”

“Why does he dress like that?”

“Why doesn’t he think like we do?”

“Why is he trying to be 20 all over again?”

Oh lord, I could go on…

~~~

To be perfectly honest with you, I have always been this way.

For one thing, I have always been my own man.

I worked for myself, set my own schedule, led my own life.

All I had to do was be good at what I did, treat my clients well, and pay a CPA to keep me out of jail.

After a while the freedom and independence this afforded me became part of my identity.

The lifestyle made me more resilient, self-reliant. Those acquired attributes are just part of the process of independence.

And while it hasn’t always been easy, the pay-off covered the periodic turbulence–10-fold.

To all the men my age who continue to live life as fully–and intensely–as we did back in the day, congratulations.

You’ve officially earned a legion of haters who wish they had the balls to have done exactly the same thing.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.

~ e.e. cummings

~~~

For more reading on this topic, the following article by Robert Firestone Ph.D. is illuminating.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-experience/201306/six-aspects-being-adult

~~~

FURTHER SUGGESTED READING

http://bigthink.com/errors-we-live-by/the-death-of-adulthood-rise-of-kidults

~~~

Typical habitat of the “Kidult.”

Mine…

The Midlife Assessment Game, Revisited

Me at 17ish…

We can’t go back.

We can’t be back where were were and describe it with any degree of accuracy.

It didn’t happen yesterday. Or last week.

The truth is, the farther away we are the more we make up…or attempt to fill in the blanks in order to render a coherent sketch.

Sometimes it’s to cover wounds.

Other times it’s to exaggerate successes.

But mostly it’s to make sense of things we are no longer in a place in time to understand.

~~~

I was a natural born athlete, but I never had a passion for any particular sport.

I liked playing football with my friends, but never wanted to suit up and practice as a member of a team.

It was too demanding, regimented.

The same was true of swimming, tennis, bike riding, skiing.

Again, in my own time, my own way.

I was one of those kids who had talent for a lot of things, none in particular.

A jack of all trades.

Whatever I did end up doing with my life I would have to work hard to master.

So what was it going to be?

I certainly didn’t want to live my life with the “coulda woulda shoulda” virus in my veins, taunting me until I died of cirrhosis.

So I tried everything I was good at to see what stuck.

As a teenager I liked playing electric guitar, but I wasn’t passionate enough about it to practice 12 hours a day, nor was I born with a natural song writing ability.

My neighbor, Harry Connick, Jr., was an entirely different story. God wrote his name on a piano and that was that.

Most of us aren’t so lucky. We have to stumble around to figure it out.

Then I tried my hand at acting, and though I managed to work, I still wasn’t passionate enough about it to stomach rejection, so I moved on.

Then one day I picked up a camera and something happened.

It felt natural, like it was supposed to be there…kind of like writing, which I have always done in an effort to make sense of things.

Combining the two led me to where I am today.

I guess I did okay.

I have always been most passionate about finding my true calling in life.

If anything, this was my salvation, my gift.

A lot of guys I know did whatever paid the bills, and now they look back and wonder what the hell happened to their lives.

But the truth is they did exactly what they were supposed to do.

Accepting this is the key to winning the midlife assessment game.

…but nobody wants to hear it because they’re still convinced they were destined to become rock stars, novelists, actors, and/or celebrity chefs before the went into the insurance business.

To Manscape or Not to Manscape?

Brian Viner for Daily Mail

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3148986/Wax-away-hairy-man-chest-Brian-Viner-gave-try.html

In my urban slice of the socioeconomic pie, manscaping is considered normal maintenance for older men.

But this does require some degree of qualification: Vain-ish older men.

Not pathologically vain, but vain within reason in large metropolitan circles.

Appearance is survival in these places – for both men and women.

When I was a young man I had chest hair.

Of course, it was also the 80’s, so there’s that.

But when you’re in your 20’s, chest hair also ends to behave.

It grows in certain areas, but not in others.

It’s not invasive.

A little brown tuft in the middle of one’s chest is fine.

But as we age it starts to spread like influenza in what I assume is a last ditch effort to remind us of our primordial genesis, which helps prepare us for death.

But vain men don’t want to die anymore than women want to ditch their plastic surgeons.

So we fight back.

Brian Viner [above] is NOT what most men in my world look like…with or without the chest hair.

Appearance is not high on his list of priorities.

Why this is I don’t know.

Some men just don’t care, which is why they find others just like themselves.

Together, they live in gated suburban communities.

This is one reason he looks ridiculous without chest hair.

If my chest looked like that I wouldn’t shave it either.

The more hair, the more coverage. Great.

But for men who take pride in their appearances, the last thing they want is an unattended lawn.

I can’t even remember the last time I saw one of these guy, to be honest with you.

It’s not that I don’t see chest hair. I do.

But it’s “good” chest hair. Clustered, trimmed and even.

The rest either shave it off, or have it lasered by one of the 20,000,000 salons on every street corner in Houston.

For the guys who opt to maintain – rather than rid – the one thing no one in their right mind does is parade around with hair on their backs.

In some zip codes it’s considered a class 3 misdemeanor.

In mine it’s a felony.

Here is Mr. Viner’s back, and why he would be doing community service around here:

I know, it’s horrific.

But this is considered normal, again, in some circles…not mine.

People just don’t walk around like this unless they have some psychiatric disability.

But allow me to point out [yet again] that Mr. Viner’s back is also soft and out of shape, which further reflects his lack of concern for appearance, and thus, the need for him to find refuge in insulated culture groups.

I always go back to this point because in America there are two distinctly different worlds:

One is Urban, the other rural and/or suburban.

Each have their own set of values.

And while some men work in big cities, they always go back to where they came from to avoid jail time.

There’s an upside to everything.

To close, the photograph below is what older men in my world consider normal:

Congratulations to Billy Joel [66] and Alexis Roderick [33]!

Billy Joel and Alexis Roderick in surprise 4th of July wedding.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/celebrity/billy-joel-weds-girlfriend-during-fourth-of-july-party/ar-AAcztHn

Folks, it doesn’t matter what the difference in age – or any of the other line items to which we’re supposed to adhere in order to have normal, well-adjusted relationships].

Love finds us wherever we happen to be standing at any given moment.

Be ready for whatever the hell it looks like.

13 Reasons Why Older Men Should “Lift Heavy.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/12/benefits-of-lifting-weights_n_6432632.html

As we get older, the more muscle mass we have, the less likely we are to die prematurely…or suffer clinical depression, which is worse.

The article offers the following bullet points, which I will elaborate on here:

1] You’ll live longer.

According to 2014 research from UCLA, “the greater your muscle mass, the lower your risk of death.”

Unfortunately, most physicians tell their older patients to moderate their activities to avoid injury rather than challenge themselves.

This is ass backwards.

If you DON”T lift heavy, you are guaranteed to injure yourself just getting out of bed.

2] You’ll sleep better.

When your body is tired it needs rest. The more physically exhausted, the more rest.

It’s a simple equation.

People who don’t exercise tend to wake up all hours of the night wondering what happened to their lives.

3] You feel better about your life.

When you accomplish something you never thought possible, you get a corresponding shot of self-esteem.

If you keep believing you can’t this or that simply because you’re older, injury will find you.

Take what your body will give you.

You’ll soon learn it has a lot more to give than you thought.

4] Protect the bones.

The heavier you lift, the more bone density you create.

Stop lifting and you’re just a blood sac waiting to explode.

5] Maintain balance [literally].

If you want to prevent falls resulting in things like broken hips – the death knell of the aging – combine strength training, flexibility and balancing exercises.

Among older men I know, the only way to stay in the game of life is to stay in the gym.

6] Reduce anxiety and depression.

Strength training stimulates hormones, increases brain function, and relieves anxiety and depression.

If you don’t believe me, drag your ass to a gym for an intense one-hour workout and I will show you a different person.

7] Look better in clothes.

If you want to look good in clothes, you have to be able to fill them out.

Nobody likes stooped shoulders and an old man ass.

8] Burn more calories.

The more lean body mass you build, the more calories you burn just watching television.

Lifting heavy guarantees more lean mass.

9] It’s not as time-consuming as you think.

Runners do the least amount of strength training, which is why I don’t recommend endurance running to anyone.

You end up looking like crap and you’re as weak as matchstick.

Having said this, strength training an hour a day, 3 days a week is what I would consider more than adequate for most Boomers.

10] It doesn’t matter where you lift, or what you lift, as long as you lift.

Body weight exercises are fine. You can do them anywhere.

But to get the benefits I’m talking about here, you have to invest in weights that challenge you beyond the push up.

11] You are more athletic.

Strength training enables the body to perform better, faster, stronger.

If you don’t believe me, take a look at all the older men who don’t train at all and get back to me.

12] You heart will thank you.

Cardio isn’t the only form of exercise that benefits the heart.

In some cases, strength training has been shown to to be as effective as statin drugs.

13] Reject aging.

When people say age is a state of mind, they’re referring to healthy adults.

If you let yourself fall apart, you will argue the previous point.

SUMMARY

Strength training is the primary weapon against aging.

If you commit yourself to a fitness lifestyle that includes heavy resistance training, you can avoid many of the pitfalls of aging that all sedentary people experience prematurely.

From the muscle-fat connection [higher metabolic rate], to osteoporosis prevention, to a decrease in arthritic pain, to glucose metabolism improvement, to better mental health – heavy weight training is as close as human beings come to a fountain of youth.

Of course, you also have to eat right, get enough rest, drink in moderation, and do all the other things necessary to keep the ball rolling without killing yourself in the process.

No wonder so many people are obese.

November 2024
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