Middle-Aged Men in Bars

When I was in my 30’s and 40’s I had lots of single friends who spent an inordinate amount of time in bars.

We were all in shape, health conscious, and forever hoping to one day stumble upon someone who shared our journey.

It wasn’t that we necessarily expected anything monumental to occur, but we couldn’t preclude the possibility, which was the real hook.

Then down the road we met “the one” and the bar days were over.

For many there was marriage, children and career which went on for 20 or 30 years until it all fell apart and they were back at the same bars, hunting the same fantasies.

Understand that older men don’t spend all their time with hookers in Aspen, Monaco, and the Swiss Alps – or have an interest in attending endless galas and benefits.

Many of us do what we’ve always done: Work, go to the gym, and, at the end of the day, find ourselves alone.

I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.

So now what?

Are we supposed to sit home and read history books about dead people?

We may not look like people half our age, but we share similar hopes and dreams where lust and love are concerned.

I know this is irksome, provoking queasiness in the young, but as long as we are alive and well, this is what you can expect from us.

When you’re older you’ll understand.

You might also notice that the very second one of your buddies meets the woman of his dreams, he’ll disappear from your life like an exploding star, never to be seen or heard from again until his relationship fails, at which point your phone will start ringing off the hook at age 50.

See, unlike women, men tend to go to ground and hoard, while they find a middle ground between commitment and an exit strategy.

This is why bars these days are filled men of all ages, your existential nightmares notwithstanding.

“Dadbods” and the Soccer Moms Who Love Them

In this photograph, Leonardo DiCaprio sports the sexy new “Dadbod.”

http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-life/leonardo-dicaprios-dadbod-is-the-new-hot-body-type-for-men/

I added a second link below of a survey of women who seem to prefer a bit of flab over super fit by a wide margin [no puns].

http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-community/75-women-prefer-flab-abs/

~~~ ~~~ ~~~

Men of my age [and socioeconomic demographic] feel entitled to physically beautiful women because beautiful women feel entitled to men of relative achievement and success.

The more success = the more beauty.

It’s a simple equation that cuts both ways.

And while no one complains about both parties being in top physical condition, women are less inclined to appreciate what they consider to be physical competition.

Why?

1] It makes them feel less secure about their bodies than they already do, no matter how beautiful they happen to be.

2] It makes aging an even bigger existential nightmare than it already is since older people look worse than younger people no matter what Koolaid you’re drinking.

3] It forces women to sleep with one eye open knowing other women are angling for their successful – and damn good looking– husbands, which places even more pressure on them to remain physically flawless, even though it’s physically impossible.

SUMMARY

While most in-shape women would probably consider DiCaprio out of shape and in dire need of a bra, they would also be the first ones in line should he express an interest in them.

The same cannot be said of men if the woman in question happened to be physically unattractive.

This disparity is at the crux of the phenomenon.

According to New Reports, Middle Age Lasts Until 74

Pierce Brosnan, 61

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/11539573/Middle-age-now-lasts-until-74-as-baby-boomers-refuse-to-grow-old.html

“For many people, 70 is the new 50 and signifies the quiet revolution that has taken place in longevity”

…………….

Among the many trending narratives of the day is the one about Baby Boomers who refuse to age, as if that’s a bad thing.

Would you want to age “gracefully” if you didn’t have to?

Before you answer this question, allow me to put forth my definition of “graceful aging:”

“The process by which a middle-aged male agrees to accept natural physical attrition in exchange for a gated community in Florida.”

In my view [and I’m not alone] this is akin to suicide in slow motion, otherwise known among my circle as the dragging out of the end to eternity until you can’t remember where it all started.

So no.

I don’t know anyone willing to “let go” unless they’re in a psych ward for clinical depression or dying of colon cancer.

An average man who retired in 2012 can expect to live until the age of 86.2 years, while a woman who turned 65 last year would have 23.9 years still to live on average, the ONS estimates.

That’s a lot of time to “drift.”

In my socioeconomic demographic. men are often in the best shape of their adult lives, working out regularly, eating right, getting medical check-ups on an annual basis, and making damn sure their teeth look better than they did when they were in their 20’s, among other things. Believe me, I could go on.

I might also add to this [because it wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t], that most of the men to whom I’m referring are well-educated, urban folk of an upper income variety.

They tend to be ambitious, successful men who carry these traits with them throughout their lives, which are then shaped and molded by the pressures of big city life.

These are not frumpy men in cardigans and distended bellies.

They’re a lot like men half their age, only richer, wiser…and, in some cases, more mature.

They take their health seriously because they would rather go out in a blaze of glory than to fade into irrelevance and obscurity.

Examples in popular culture alone are legion.

Such men don’t lay down for the next generation not only because they’re not finished with their own, but because the generation behind them represents the lion’s share of the women they date and marry.

If this trend continues, and I see no reason it won’t, the next generation will consider a man of 50 “young” and his wife of 25 age-relevant.

Older Man “Lost”

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/active/mens-health/11425655/Why-do-so-many-middle-aged-men-feel-so-lost.html

“We are caught between the old model of being the breadwinner and the new model of being the co-washer-upper and feeder…”

The article describes “middle-aged” men to be in the 45-54 range, but based on my own personal experience, I would raise the upper end to 62.

The angst to which the article refers began for me in my mid to late 40’s when I first came to the realization that I was no longer a young man of endless promise, but rather, a fully assembled commodity.

Has my professional life been well spent? Should I have taken another path? If so, why didn’t I? Does my current line of work have more juice in the tank, or am I running on fumes? Who am I?

We start adding up our attributes, our accomplishments – whatever we think belongs in the plus column – then subtract our perceived liabilities, and come up with a number we hope we can live with.

If not, we tend to do one of three things:

1] Taunt the hand of fate with alcohol and crack.

2] Buy things we can’t afford.

3] Pretend to be someone we’re not.

I don’t believe any of these require further explanation, particularly the last one.

The unfortunate truth about contemporary life is that the timeline to produce wealth is relatively short.

In that time we are expected to amass a nest-egg capable of producing income without our having to punch a time clock or cash a paycheck.

That’s a lot of pressure.

So let’s say you’re 50 and just lost your 300k/year job. Now what?

If you don’t have income-producing savings, you go through what savings you do have in a heartbeat.

Then your wife leaves you. Your “friends” disappear. You’re alone. Really alone. Too alone without the coping skills necessary to move past the obstacles.

You’re officially in crisis.

It’s too late to change things. You’re merely surplus in a hungry world. You perform no function and, are thus, forced from the herd.

Making matters worse, men are not particularly flexible, and don’t bond well with other men, which makes for a far more difficult passage through this period in life.

The article suggests that men reject the old masculine code that “men don’t need relationships, men don’t need to be connected, men don’t need to be heartfelt,” and I wholeheartedly agree.

Without the ability to bond through the rough times, middle-aged men are damned to a life of painful reflection.

it is only through emotional connectedness that we can begin to discover meaning, hope and resurrection from the outdated models that set the bar for men so high – and room for deviation so narrow – that most simply can not handle the journey.

In my life I have known quite a few men who took their own lives after a divorce or the loss of substantial capital. There was nothing left to turn to. They had done it all and lost it all in a flash.

This is how older men tend to see themselves: Reflections of their accomplishments.

When the fruits of their accomplishments are gone, they go with them.

Unfortunately, friends and loved ones don’t fall in the “accomplishments” category as many men subconsciously assume that the people in their lives value them solely in dollar bills.

Denial’s a Bitch

Where she started…

What’s left…

After belting out her classic song of female empowerment “Express Yourself,” at Coachella, the 56-year-old pop legend, Madonna, pulled the 28-year-old singer, Drake, back in his chair to plant a heavy kiss on his lips.

Then all hell broke loose.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3036560/Madonna-56-makes-Drake-28-onstage-Coachella-doesn-t-notice-look-horror-walks-off.html

~~~

Naivete in grownups is often charming; but when coupled with vanity it is indistinguishable from stupidity. Eric Hoffer

~~~

Madonna is closing in on 60 years old and a shadow of her former self, which I know is shocking to those of you who think she resembles the woman on the cover of her new CD.

If she were a writer or folk singer or politician or television actor or newscaster or cashier at WalMart she could go on and on and on. But sex symbol? Please.

And that gold dental grill!!! Seriously??? What drugs drive people this far off the ranch???

I guess it has everything to do with being at the top of the pop music world for decades only to feel pressured to pass the baton to the next generation.

If it were me, I’d do the same damn thing as long as I had no idea how ridiculous it made me look.

I’m sure no one let’s her in on this dirty little secret, though.

Why would they? Their careers rest on her perpetuity no matter how desperate she looks in the process.

But what propelled her to stardom is still part of who she is today. In this sense, she is stuck in the past, always looking for the next opportunity to resurrect herself, this time around with an undercurrent of indignant rage.

The bottom line is that she is no longer “herself” on the outside, which means that she has to redefine who she is on the inside.

At this writing, this does not appear to be happening.

Nonetheless, what she’s going through is not unique to women.

Men become the punchlines of jokes when they live the way they did 30 ago, refusing to acknowledge that 30 years have passed.

We all age. It sucks. It’s nature’s cruel joke. Call it what you will. But it’s a reality we all face no matter who we are.

Some fare better than others, mostly because they’re not Madonna.

They don’t have to fill stadiums, pander to fans, focus on trying to bend and shape perception of aging until people no longer see it.

In this sense Madonna as “Madonna” is her own worst nightmare.

If she wants to salvage her dignity and assure a resurrection of sorts, she should take her own advice and perform alone on a simple stage with an acoustic guitar.

No dancers, backup singers, pyrotechnics and god’s knows what the hell else.

Now that would be a concert worth seeing.

POSTSCRIPT

Who attends Madonna concerts?

1] Older women who relate to her midlife delusions.

2] Gay men who imagine Madonna loves them more than she loves herself.

3] No one else that I’m aware of.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/11/madonna-gay-fans-_n_6846882.html

UPDATE

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/drake-weighs-in-on-his-reaction-to-that-madonna-kiss-at-coachella/ar-AAaYOUt

Now Drake has said that, in so many words, he was delighted to have had the opportunity to be kissed by the queen, Madonna.

Yea right, dude.

Best to cover your ass.

Aging, Insecurity and the Quest for Immortality

Day after day after day older men are bombarded with images like these that tout the benefits of testosterone replacement.

I’m not going to go into all the conflicting research because I can’t delineate advertising from hard research. But as a man in the center of the marketing bulls-eye [i.e., right age and socioeconomic profile], I know all about the pressure to fold.

If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that between 80 and 90 percent of the men in my demographic [58-64] are on some form of testosterone supplementation.

This is not an exaggeration.

How else could they drop so much body fat while building and/or maintaining so much muscle mass and strength – without training even a tenth as hard as I do?

Let’s be honest. Most affluent older men don’t want to spend their entire lives in the gym, nor do they want the other hassles associated with aging, like not being able to maintain an erection for an hour, or having to rest and recovery like an old person.

They want to wake up fully refreshed, on 6 hours of sleep, with a raging hard-on and enough energy to power a small city.

For me, it’s more like 8 hours of sleep followed by 30 minutes of stretching just to pull myself out of bed because I’m so damn sore from the previous days’ workout, and then 6 cups of coffee all before acknowledging anyone or anything else around me.

Which would you choose?

That’s what I thought, and why the testosterone replacement industry has exceeded the 2 billion dollar mark…and rising fast.

Soon, all of us will be on “T” as the baselines rise to fit industry expansion strategies.

The mantra in my health club is that the AMA [American Medical Association] is living in the Dark Ages, and that people of means should see a urologist “in the know.”

Why waste such a great life on outdated research and thinking? is the way it’s usually phrased.

At this writing I see no way the blitzing will end – or the patient count drop.

I would also love to look and feel the way I did 20 years ago. But I am only human, and no matter how well I eat or how much time I spend in the gym, I’m still mortal.

I know this is simply unacceptable to many men of my generation as much as it is unacceptable for a 60-year-old man to drive a Buick over an Aston Martin. I get it. If you can afford the best, why not?

With testosterone injections you take the risks with the rewards because there’s only one NOW and “tomorrows” in an actuarial context are fewer than ever before.

In other words, while the Buick may save your life, the Aston Martin makes whatever is left of it worth the risk. It’s that simple.

Whether or not I will capitulate to the barrage of influence is still uncertain. I discuss this with my trainer every time we meet and it always ends in a kind of detente.

He says no and I say maybe.

OVERVIEW

It bears noting that older men with good lives are also at greater risk of clinical hypochondria.

Blood tests “every 5 minutes” is normal.

“My doctor wants my cholesterol levels below 120, so now I’m on a statin drug, which means I’m back in his office every few months for blood-work to determine whether or not my medications are screwing up my kidneys or my liver or whatever.”

Okay, so now he’s on testosterone replacement and a statin drug, and he’s just getting started on the hamster wheel.

How about chest pain?

Shortness of breath after a workout? How can that possibly be?

Not that the following item isn’t completely natural, but did you know hair loss could indicate an autoimmune disease like lupus?

“Heavens to Betsy get my ass back in that car! we’re headed back to the emergency room! I knew he missed something!”

“And ya know, now that I’m thinking about it, my penis was insubordinate this morning, so I’ll ask him about the possibility of my having multiple sclerosis.”

“And come to think of it I’m more fatigued than I was at 17. I must have diabetes or a malfunctioning thyroid gland. Crap! ”

“I might add that I was dizzy the other day, which goes back to heart disease, stroke, or even shock. And why the hell do I drink so much water??? They say it’s an indicator of failing organs. And god knows I have trouble remembering people’s names. Is it Alzheimer’s? And my damn vision is not what it used to be, so it must be macular degeneration!”

“I AM SO SCREWED!”

This part is true, but not for the reasons you think.

……………

We’re all just waiting for the other show to drop, which is exactly why we’d all be far better off in therapy than the office of a urologist.

Retirement is Death by Any Other Word.

“The entire concept of retirement is unique to the late-20th century. Before World War II, most Americans worked until they died.” Morgan Housel

I had a conversation about early retirement with a guy at my gym recently. He’s in his late 40’s and was fortunate enough to have the choice to hang it up 5 years ago.

It didn’t work.

First the boredom set in, followed closely by a sense of fading relevance…and his retirement was over.

He saw the connection between early retirement and premature death [in his case, psychological death], and realized they both lead to a similar conclusions.

I took advantage of the same opportunity back in 2005, and found myself back to work within a year.

Back in the early part of the 20th century, there were few opportunities for anyone to retire before they died, if only because people had to eat.

There were no pensions, no IRA’s and related retirement packages. But quite frankly, people didn’t live as long, either. Or, as well as we do today.

Now guys in my particular demographic look 20 years younger than they actually are, and tend to live twice as long as their predecessors, often with women half their age, which may or may not lead to even longer lives.

So basically we have all these older men with time on their hands and nothing to do with it other than travel with their mistresses.

It gets boring, particularly for high achievers who are used to challenges money can’t buy.

No wonder so many of the older bands are touring again.

They already have money, and as a result lots of free time on their hands. What would you do? Fade away? I doubt it.

The first is a link to an article about Roger Daltrey [71] of The Who:

Daltrey tells Rolling Stone: “My voice is fine. I’m enjoying playing. There’s something about looking down the end of a telescope and seeing the potential end, but if I shut my eyes, I’m still 21.”

http://classicrock.teamrock.com/news/2015-03-30/who-roger-daltrey-scars-of-age

Then there’s Joe Elliot [55] of Def Leppard:

“Age doesn’t matter anymore. That’s the one thing that’s become a pattern over the last seven or eight years, with (Paul) McCartney still out there and the (Rolling) Stones still out there, and even Aerosmith and AC/DC getting up there. Billy Joel, Elton John. These are people that have been around since the ’60s and they’re still selling stadiums out. There’s nobody else that seems to be coming through to take over. They’re not stepping aside, they’re fighting. They’re fighting us, and we’re fighting the generation below us.”

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2015/03/30/def-leppard-frontman-joe-elliott-on-stamina-to-play-live-rock-star-myths/

I like to use rock ‘n roll references because I’m a fan of the genre.

When you grow up in that era it becomes part of you.

But the list is hardly limited to rock musicians and entertainers, in general. It encompasses every career ambitious men find themselves.

With this in mind, here are the five reasons retirement is a bad idea. These were culled from countless articles on the subject:

1] You Will Die Much Faster

There are many reasons for this, including a more sedentary lifestyle, but never underestimate the destructive power of an inactive mind.

2] You Will Have a Hard Time Making Your Money Last

Unless you’re very affluent, the fact that you will live longer than you ever imagined is real possibility. So if boredom doesn’t kill you, your investment portfolio will.

3] Spending all that extra time with your family is overrated.

Most men I know can’t wait to get out of the house. They look forward to travel and career advancement opportunities because they know that once they’ve had their fill of conquering the world, they can come home to a family that loves them. What this translates to is…I love my family in small doses, no offense intended.

4] You’re Probably Not Going to Spend Your Time Writing the Great American Novel.

If you wanted to do that you would have already done it. It’s a myth people create to justify the next chapter, which never comes.

5] Boredom is Another Word for Death

Are you kidding me? Fishing? Really? How many fish can you catch and release before it’s just a numbers game? Let’s see if I can remember how many fish I caught today? And golf? Unless you’re a professional golfer, you will start seeing golf courses the way you see cemeteries, all manicured and beautiful…with your body beneath them. And finally, there’s Florida. The quintessential fantasy destination for the too-soon-to-retire crowd who imagine long walks on a beach followed by lunch, a nap, then dinner, then another walk on the beach, this time with seagulls hovering above, waiting for the moment you keel over from boredom. The psychological damage from a Florida retirement before the age of 80 is enough to subtract 10 years from a man’s life.

SUMMARY

People just assume that wealthy people continue to work because they’re obsessed with making more money, because more money somehow equate to more happiness, but this simply is not the case. They work because it gives them relevance, meaning, and purpose.

If I had to redefine the concept of contemporary retirement for successful men, it would read something like this: Retirement is the ability to keep doing what you love to do on your own terms, which is what everybody ultimately wants, anyway.

NEWSFLASH: NEW STONES TOUR JUST ANNOUNCED! http://www.nme.com/news/the-rolling-stones/84086

Middle-Aged Men and Double Lives, Explored.

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/article4295037.ece

Whether it’s a struggling college student in Washington, D.C. trying to make ends meet, or a “manageable” pill problem no one needs to know about, double lives can be a full time job for the older man of means.

With a middle class in America on life support, and article after article telling young people that in order to become really rich you have to start out really rich, you can see how things can become demoralizing after a while.

Advertising flaunts the lavish lifestyles of the rich and famous at every turn, and the fact shows like The Kardashians are among America’s favorite “reality” pastimes, you can see where the average person might feel like a civilian in a war they can’t win.

Okay, so this is the playing field.

Enter the affluent and entitled middle-aged man with time on his hands and penchant for youth, and beauty and a new market is born.

In this world everything one might imagine is usually the norm.

“Michael” has been married to the same woman for 20 years. They have 3 kids in college. At 55 he’s proven all he needs to prove to himself and the world around him. He’s been financially successful, sits on corporate and charitable boards, and is a member in good standing of a prestigious country club. What more of life could one ask?

A lot.

“Michael” is bored. He wants more out of life. But more of what?

Excitement.

He wants to feel “alive” again. He wants the higher highs, the ones that kept him motivated and in the saddle all these years.

So he stumbles around a bit.

He tries to retire, but that doesn’t work because boredom – and that sense of irrelevance – start creeping into the subconscious until he’s ready to climb out of his skin.

So he goes back to work, but still finds holes in the plaster. There’s got to be more. This can’t be all that’s left of what once was.

It’s time for an assessment.

NOTE [s]:

1] This mental process is uncommon among ordinary men.

2] However, it is quite common among politicians, athletes, entertainers, high-octane suits, and other libidinous creatures, otherwise known as men who expect more because they feel entitled to more.

Using #2 as a template for this brief discussion, it doesn’t stretch the imagination to understand why playing life close to the vest is endemic to success in any and all endeavors.

In this sense, business and pleasure overlap and what we see are happily married men with mistresses in luxury apartments in other cities, for example.

They do not consider this cheating.

In their minds, its like a tax credit for providing their wives with high-end lifestyles they would not otherwise experience.

So it’s a win-win.

This level of compartmentalization is common among high-functioning sociopaths, who did not climb to the top being kind and compassionate.

With this as a backdrop, one can easily see that certain psychological profiles lead to certain behaviors, which is why criminal profilers who hunt homicidal sociopaths might open a division just for affluent older men who lead double lives.

While they don’t dump bodies along lonely stretches of freeway, they drop souls all over the place.

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