Post Category → Baby Boomers

So, You Want a Daddy?

perfect-woman-clockwI’m cracking myself up this morning.

No seriously.

For all you unemployed millennial’s out there, hope’s on the horizon.

You don’t have to earn a PhD. – or even a GED.

But you will need other assets worth bartering.

I should be charging a consultation fee for this, but you caught me on a good day.

The Most Common Gold-Digger Backstory

Teenage daughter works as a part-time waitress. She lives in a trailer with her biological mother and unemployed stepfather, whose on disability over an alleged lumberyard mishap.

In the mother’s mind…

“The disability payments ain’t worth shit money-wise, but that daughter of mine has an ass…if she only knew how to use it right. I ain’t talkin’ flat-out hookin,’ but maybe goin’ in to the big city and learnin’ how to talk right for god’s sake. Get rid of that gum chewin,’ act like she belongs, ya know…find out where the money’s at…”

This is the template from which most gold-diggers are hatched and bred. It’s as old as the hills, the situation I mean…and how to get out of it.

But there’s a lot more to it than what you read, so I’ll help fill in the blanks.

While finding a “daddy” sounds like a cakewalk to many of you who think that youth and beauty are enough to seal the deal, think again. Cultural evolution is no different than biological evolution, except that it’s a thousand times faster. So while the gold-digger of old was easy to pull from a police line-up, today’s incarnation is virtually unrecognizable even under polygraph analysis and near lethal doses of sodium pentothal.

With this as a backdrop, here are 25 clues from my own personal experience tells me you’re someone I don’t want to know.

1] Gum chewing.

 2] Ending sentences with prepositions. While sometimes it’s okay to end sentences with prepositions, you best know when it’s okay. Otherwise, stick to the rules.

Incorrect usage: Where is he at?

Correct usage: Where is he?

.3] Improperly conjugating verbs

Incorrect usage: “She run off.”

Correct usage: “She ran off.”

4] Mispronouncing words that reasonably educated women learn by the time they’re 6.

Example #1: Never say expresso. The correct word is Espresso.

Example#2: It’s also not Excetera. It’s et cetera.

5] Me vs I

Incorrect usage: Jim and me are going to the beach.

Correct usage: Jim and I are going to the beach.

6] Gone vs Went

Incorrect usage: I should’ve went somewhere!

Correct usage: I went to the store. I should have gone to the open market instead.

7] Could of vs Could have

Incorrect usage: I wonder if I could of majored in English.

Correct usage: I wonder if I could have majored in English.

8] Cheap handbag. Only acceptable if you just picked up something interesting at a vintage shop.

9] Don’t overuse foundation. It makes you look like you’re hiding something. Ask any stripper.

10] Know the difference between sexy and sleazy. It’s part self-confidence, part self-actualization, and part breeding.

11] Bad posture is a clear and present sign of a mother who doesn’t know better.

12] If you’ve never heard of Shakespeare, you’re toast…even if your target is an engineer who only reads blueprints.

13] Money is not the determinant of class. Class is the determinant of class. Then money is the determinant of class.

14] If you can’t walk in heels, learn at home.

15] If you’ve never attended college and you’re not a famous entertainer or entrepreneur, lie.

16] Never trip out at the sight of an expensive home or car. It’s just a home and a car.

17] Never ask a man you don’t know for money or he will have sex with you without paying for it.

18] Hit on anyone other than your date and it will be your last.

19] One online profile is enough. More than one with entirely different information is identity theft.

20] Have interests outside of going out. Some people enjoy reading books, for example.

21] Using country vernacular is fine as long as people know you know the difference between ignorance and the Queen’s English.

22] Never name-drop unless your own name is worth dropping.

23] Your cell phone is simply a cellphone, not a codependent relationship.

24] Repeat after me: “I have a good relationship with my father.”

25] When referring to family members, never say “grampah and grammah.” Instead, say “grandfather and grandmother.” This also applies to mother and father, whom can be also be referred to as simply “mom and dad.”

I could go on…

Testosterone Replacement Therapy for Baby Boomers as Common as Flu Shots

Mel

Take a look at Mel Gibson in the above photo.

Notice the vascular character of his arms, veins running like ship rope over rock.

This look is not uncommon for men in their 20’s [with testosterone levels well north of 1000], but it is impossible for 60-year-old men with levels in the 300-400 range, which is pretty much all of us, plus or minus a few.

The only exceptions I have ever seen [and remember folks, I photographed national fitness magazine covers and editorials for 10 years of my career], are men who took steroids early on in their careers and built the framework for what we now see.

Without the drugs, there would be no “framework’ to speak of.

After a while, you can spot users a mile off.

But what’s really interesting about all of this is that taking testosterone is becoming so commonplace that I can envision supermarkets like Kroger offering weekly injections along with flu shots, because like the flu, aging sucks and in many cases leads to death.

~~~

Here’s the hook most commonly used to encourage testosterone use:

Anybody, regardless of occupation, can receive testosterone replacement therapy if he experiences symptoms of Low-T.

Please read the above statement carefully.

It says, “if he experiences symptoms of Low-T,” not “if he has Low-T.”

In other words, no blood test necessary.

There is a difference between feeling more fatigued at 60 than you did at 20. It’s called nature, which is more an annoyance than anything else, and therefore testosterone supplementation is a perfectly rational course of action…like recommending 30 minutes a day on a treadmill for diabetics.

I have many friends who self-administer weekly testosterone injections. Others opt for patches, pills and other delivery systems, but injections seem to be the most preferred method.

When asked what they “take” [because it’s so damn obvious], most claim to be “all natural.”

What this actually means is that they are taking “bio-identical” testosterone, manufactured in labs to mimic testosterone produced by the human body.

The interesting news is that because testosterone use has become so commonplace, most people just say “I’m taking 1cc a week of testosterone, so nothing really.” 

I know that many of you don’t believe a word of this. Why would you?

You live in a world where people go to work, raise families, play golf and fade in ways designed by nature.

You accept the fact that you don’t look the way you did 30 years ago.

You try to eat right, exercise when you can and pray you don’t drop dead before your 60th birthday.

This is normal.

Most people don’t expect life to go on and on the way it used to…until now.

~~~

I have a good friend who is on an elaborate “supplement cocktail,” which has led to explosive mass and strength.

He knows the risks, but in his mind the rewards far outweigh them.

I don’t judge him. We all live our lives the way we choose, and as long as we treat one another with dignity and respect, I support him in any way I can.

If he were using heroin, I would do the same.

In the end, the litany of potential side-effects fade along with the side-effects from taking a daily aspirin.

The rationale is that life is dangerous, but that shouldn’t stop any of us from living it.

Using this rationale, testosterone use is relative, like getting out of bed.

~~~

Target Consumers of Testosterone Replacement Therapy:

1] People in law enforcement.

2] Affluent older men with the financial resources available to offset the cost of “aging gracefully.”

3] Young men and women in professional athletics.

4] Bullied young men who seek revenge against their tormentors.

5] People who have unnaturally low testosterone levels as measured by several blood tests.

How Not to Keep a Good Man Down.

 

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What I’m about to tell you cuts a deep swath between what you were and what many of you are becoming.

Most men don’t have the balls to say [out loud] any of what I’m about to tell you, but saying it is the only way to help catalyze change in what’s often a foot-dragging passage into twilight.

Buckle up.

~~~

Over these past decades I’ve learned a few things about being a man that weigh on all of us after enough water’s under the bridge.

#1

The first is the personal assessment quiz, where we sum up all of our perceived accomplishments and hope that our backstories are sellable on the open market.

I say ‘open market’ because unless you live in a vacuum, you have an audience that determines your viability. I know. This sounds like every psychiatrist’s worst nightmare, but it’s still true.

We live in a society filled with people, not open land filled with livestock.

Remember, this is a blog about urban life, not rural isolationism.

In this world, our world, we need to matter. Some call it relevance. And while many claim this to be an exercise in pure nihilism and self-destruction, it’s critical to our emotional well being that we see our lives as having been well spent.

The resulting self-esteem becomes our fuel, our motivation to go on long after the glory years of imagined immortality and endless promise have passed.

But let me reiterate that we must pass muster with the world around us before we get the fuel. We can’t just fantasize it into being.

The world around us is a cold, objective force. It sees us as fully formed entities, each with a script in our hands that we read to ourselves before closing our eyes at night, hoping our dreams don’t contradict the plot lines.

Appreciating the gravity of this is an essential part of maintaining dignity no matter how much you try to ignore or deny it.

Okay, so let’s say we’re happy with what we’ve done with our lives up to this juncture. We have financial security and we’re proud of what we’ve done.

Great.

Now what?

#2

Now we have to figure out how to maintain what we’ve built so it doesn’t all come crashing down on top of us.

I’m talking about our physical health, and more specifically, our physical being; how we see ourselves relative to those around us, no matter what their age.

Like everything else in my life, I need to feel in possession of myself physically, to be physically strong, in control, and able to defend myself.

I’m sure that more than a few of you reading this will wonder why men our age [Baby Boomers] should give a crap about what sounds like an older man’s delusions of grandeur, but I don’t know any of you.

The men I do know care. A lot. They don’t want to be walked all over like party confetti. They live with purpose and dignity.

And while a few engage in endurance sports, especially anorexics, who swap one addiction for another, the answer lies in the weight room. Yes, being a man means lifting heavy weight. I know I know. I’m a superficial jackass who has no idea what brings true fulfillment to anyone but myself, but you’re still dead wrong.

Many of the men I’m around are luminaries in their respective fields, ranging in age from late 40’s to early 80’s. But one thing they share is a desire to build and/or maintain physical strength. In other words, no matter what they’ve done, if they’re wasting away it’s irrelevant. Soon, self esteem will erode away all that they’ve built, and they’ll end up dead long before you read about them in the obituaries.

This brings to mind a guy in my gym in his early 80’s who is not only a celebrated surgeon, but a world champion masters power lifter.

You think he feels irrelevant?

The respect he receives from people around him is palpable.

My motto: Be strong, live well.

#3

Our personal lives are the final cog in our wheels of fortune. While I cannot pretend to speak for gay men and their relationships, I do know a thing or two about living with women, which is kind of like living with an extraterrestrial biological life form, identical human DNA, notwithstanding.

Like #1 and #2, how we feel in the context of our relationships is inextricably tied to how we feel as men.

The first thing we men know about ourselves is that our egos are fragile, particularly when we feel vulnerable. Thus, we need our masculinity validated daily. We need to feel loved; we need to feel attractive; and we need to feel capable.

That’s a lot of need, but miss an ounce of it at your peril.

Memorize this list so you don’t lose it:

A] Admire Us.

Compliment us on the things we’re good at and our physical qualities. Beat on us and we’ll stop making the house payments.

B] Brag on Us

The first time I heard a woman complaining about her husband’s “many” shortfalls, I suggested he leave her. In my mind, she breached the trust and left him out to dry.

C] Ask For Our Help

Ask us to show you how to do something or to give you advice on a tough situation. We’ll be more than happy to show you, believe me.

D] Never, Ever Cut Us Down No Matter What.

Make you man feel like an idiot and he will show you the door. Men have massive egos. Why this is I don’t know, but suspect it has something to do with having to kill things so the rest of his primordial family didn’t starve to death.

Never, ever discredit us or make snide comments about our appearance, abilities or performances, particularly around others.

E] Learn How to Listen.

Men may not be as talkative as women are, but we still have things to say and emotions to vent or bad days we want to discuss. While we’re more about fixing things than just talking for the sake of being heard, sometimes we like being heard so we can justify fixing things.

F] Respect Us.

Respect builds the foundation of our relationships. Without it, we will look for it elsewhere, believe me. Incessant nagging comes to mind. It’s like rat poison for human relationships.

G] Believe In Us

We want the women in our lives to be our biggest cheerleaders. We’ll do anything for someone who believes in us. Even if what we try to do doesn’t succeed by someone else’s standards, the fact that we gave it our best shot deserves praise and love.

H] Do Little Things For Us

Whether you leave a love note somewhere we’ll find it, stuff an Oreo under our pillow…or just wear something that we can’t seem to live without, JUST DO IT!

FINAL THOUGHTS

As men get older it’s even more important to affirm us. First, because we are no longer 25. Second, because no matter what we act like, we’re no longer in college and running track for NYU.

Of course, back then we were flat broke, our trust factor was zero, and and our apartments resembled the wolf dens you see at natural science museums across the country.

As women who’ve spent your fair share of time with men, you already know all these things.

This is just a reminder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adult “Baby Food”

Food-man

As I’ve covered a few times on this site, healthy eating is a pain in the ass, like everything else that involves maintenance after a certain age.

So what exactly do I eat every day of my life, and why am I sick of it in spite of the fact that I can’t stop doing it?

The answer to the first part will follow, with specific food items you just have to accept no matter how much you want to hit that new burger joint.

The rest of it has to do with how eating the aforementioned foods make you feel, which becomes more important than consumption after a certain point in life.

You have to accept the fact that life is a balancing act filled with gives and takes along the way, mostly takes.

Ok, the food:

1] Oats

A study published in the Nutrition Journal found that participants who consumed oatmeal on a regular basis experienced a drop in bad cholesterol (and waist size!) due to their increased fiber intake.

I like knowing that oats are good for me more than I do consuming them. Nonetheless, just knowing this cancels out the negatives.

I also don’t like blood sugar crashes during workouts or long mornings at my computer, so eat your oats and shut up.

2] Raspberries

I know, weird, right?

I mix this antioxidant-rich berry in with my morning oats for taste, and again, the knowledge that they are good for me.

Never underestimate human psychology in all of this.

3] Carrots

Okay, I generally don’t like carrots. For one thing, I hate carrot juice, which seems counter-intuitive, but isn’t.

What I do like – and/or hate – about carrots is that they fill me up during the course of the day when I’m dreaming about chips and blocks of cheddar cheese.

4] Bell Peppers

For taste, i throw them into pretty much everything. For one thing, I like the primary colors [yellow, red and green], and they’re also a good source of fiber, like celery and cucumbers.

Personally, I prefer celery stuffed with goat cheese, but I have to earn it to enjoy it. I’ll get to that in a minute.

5] Chia Seeds

You may have heard all about Rhona Rousey’s love affair with Chia seeds. they burn longer, keep her feeling full and provide hours of energy.

This is also true for other human beings, if you can get past the fact that they don’t taste like anything, including water.

Again, they boost your fiber intake and you reap the digestive benefits, which is well documented.

6] Flax Seeds

A step below the today deified Chia seed, flax seeds offer up 5.6 grams per two tablespoons – which is actually more than those two bites of broccoli can claim.

Of course, “2 bites of broccoli” is a relative thing since I consume an entire stalk in a single sitting.

Note: I can only eat it when it when steamed, then I can get enough for some reason I can’t quite explain.

7] Barley

Most people I know haven’t a clue what barley is. Most think of oatmeal.

In the end, it doesn’t matter. Just buy it and throw something on top of it, like shrimp or chicken.

It has no taste whatsoever, but cooked barley has 6 grams of the fibrous gut-filling nutrient.

Again, we’re talking about filling you up so you don’t crave things you shouldn’t eat.

Yes it sucks. Yes I get it. But no, you can’t deviate…much.

8] Brown Rice

Everyone by now has brown rice stuffed somewhere in their kitchen. We all know it’s better for us than the dreaded white rice, with over three times the amount fiber per cup.

I still prefer white rice, but like so much else I love, I don’t eat it.

9] Artichokes

Finally! Something I love!

Artichokes rock!

One medium artichoke boasts an impressive 10.3 grams of fiber and incorporating it into your diet may aid weight loss efforts…because, again, it makes you feel full.

This aside, I’ll boil or steam 3 of these bad boys and down all of them in a single sitting without an ounce of flavoring.

10] Lentils, Black beans, and Green peas, Sugar Snap Peas, Chickpeas, Split peas

Beans and legumes will always be standouts in this category. One cup of lentils serves up a massive 15.6 grams of fiber, which can help keep your energy steady throughout the day.

They also help maintain stable blood sugar levels.

I keep beans in the kitchen because they’re easy to combine with foods I prefer, like pretty much everything.

11] Blackberries

I love these these things. Blackberries contain 8 grams of fiber per cup, towering over strawberries and blueberries.

I know. You thought blueberries were on top the food chain.

12] Pears

There is nothing quite like a ripe, juice pear.

One medium pear contains around 5.5 grams of fiber, but in order to get all those grams you need to keep the skin in tact because that’s where most of the nutrient is concentrated. This same rule applies to apples, potatoes, and even that white stuff you love to pick off of oranges after you’ve peeled the outer layer off!

I’ve witnessed people do that.

13] Whole Wheat pasta

Yes, pasta is good for you.

No, not all pastas are as good for you.

Read the labels.

http://www.eatthis.com/pasta-nutrition

14] Figs

One dried fig contains nearly one gram of fiber and about 20 calories.

I like them, you might as well.

15] Dates

These things are weird, mushy and have the capacity to pull out a crown, but they have 1.6 grams of energy-boosting fiber, so there’s that.

16] Popcorn

I love popcorn and eat it all the time. I fill the bottom of a pan with extra virgin olive oil throw in the kernels and wait for them to pop. Then I add some spice and eat it in a bowl while watching Criminal Minds.

17] Acorn Squash

I couldn’t spot this in a grocery isle if my life depended on it, but one cup mashed provides your body with 6 grams of satiating fiber. Plus, acorn squash is also an excellent source of vitamin C—one serving provides about 20 percent of your daily needs—which is important for your immunity.

18] Sweet potato

I really like these when they soft. I carry them around with me. 6 grams of fiber per large baked potato for only 160 calories.

19] Apple

One medium apple contains around 4.4 grams of the belly-friendly nutrient and can help ward off junk food cravings between meals.

20] Almonds

High fiber nuts and seeds are always great while you’re on the go. Snack on almonds, which have an average of 3.5 grams of fiber per one-ounce serving and are a convenient way to supplement your fiber intake slowly throughout the day. In other words, they burn slowly.

21] Oranges

If I ever experience a radical drop in blood sugar during an intense workout, I reach for an orange. It’s not the fiber I’m looking for, it’s the fructose.

One orange also contains 4.4 grams of fiber, versus a banana, which contains 3.

22] Whole grain bread

One slice of a true whole grain bread can contain around 5 or 6 grams of fiber.

Remember to stick with whole grain, not multigrain, which simply means that there are different types of grains present

~~~

It should be obvious by now that consuming the aforementioned foods are a proven way of tricking your body into feeling full so you don’t down a Big Mac.

Adulthood is tough when you break it all down, which is why so many of us deflect attention from existential pain by going to the gym, watching a lot of television, working, and staying out of the hospital by eating things we hate.

Unplugging Facebook…and Other Mysteries Solved.

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If you’re anything at all like me you already know that Facebook is potentially catastrophic to one’s emotional well being.

But like any drug, some are better able to handle the ups and downs.

I’m not one of them, which is why heroin has never been a line-item on my bucket list, except in extreme cases where I’m terminal and don’t want to wait another week for the inevitable.

Digression notwithstanding, Facebook has a way of burrowing into your life without giving much in return, unlike, say, Instagram or Twitter where the entire friggin’ world gets to tune into your life, and maybe you end up with a new TV deal.

So today I decided to put an end to it — at least, for now.

 

Vacations a Nightmare

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Unless vacations involve work, they’re something I generally dread.

Studies and experts extol the virtues of taking a break because they supposedly mitigate burnout and make you more productive.

But I’m not boxed in a cubicle 8 hours a day doing something I hate.

Vacations to me involve going to the gym after doing something else I love to do at home.

I’m away from cameras, computers and cellphones, but now I’m surrounded by weights, gym noise and other stuff I find equally fulfilling in a different way — and it doesn’t cost me a dime of inconvenience.

I always come back energized, and my therapist tells me this helps cut back on pharmaceutical bills.

My workouts are followed by a healthy lunch at the gym that takes 5 minutes to prepare and won’t kill me in under a week, unlike most restaurants.

I drive home, take a 30 minute nap and I’m back in the saddle. What’s not to love?

My single friends love to travel because they’re addicted to fantasy. They also don’t have to make arrangements for other people or pets because there aren’t any.

I might also add that they love to drink in spite of being health nuts.

There are exceptions.

Rock climbers have to leave Houston.

If I have an opening or a book signing in another city, I know it will offset the pain in the ass of disturbing my routine.

If, however, someone suggests going to the Bahamas or Cabo for the weekend, I don’t get it.

Why would I want to do that?

Again, if I were single and living in an empty apartment, I might.

No worries. Get an airline ticket using miles, land on a beach and start drinking.

Simple.

When I got back, I’d stare into an empty space that reminded me of why I spent so many years of my life on the couch, and would immediately start fantasizing about my next weekender.

My entire career was spent pretty much in the air.

I traveled constantly.

Many times I caught myself asking flight attendants which city I was landing in, and occasionally, which country.

Soon, everything started looking alike. One city had modern architecture, another a blend, and still others just plain grass huts.

After a while, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to be home.

Perhaps I’m jaded. No, I am jaded, and I’m okay with that.

I remember reading all those online ads written by single women who inevitably stated a preference for endless travel.

Of course they did. They hated their lives. They wanted fantasy, romance, excitement enough to shock them out of the nightmare they faced every day they opened their eyes to another faded litany of dreams.

For me, travel is kind of like this:

1] Book 2.5 tickets to California [we have to bring my girlfriend’s Pomeranian because she can’t sleep without her].

2] I have to hire a house sitter to check in on our two cats and French Bulldog who gets depressed when he’s not entertained.

3] Go through airport security with a Pomeranian that doesn’t take kindly to strangers with wands.

4] Hope the flight isn’t delayed because the Pomeranian is on a pee schedule.

5] Get to the destination, look for luggage, hope to find luggage, get in a car that takes us through traffic to a hotel.

6] Arrive at hotel and hope the suite we booked is ready.

7] Go to said suite and discover there is no edible food. So we call room service, which takes 30 minutes and charges $100 for some fruit and an assortment of cheeses.

Then we go to dinner across town — exhausted — but not before waiting 10 minutes for an elevator during dinner hours, paying valets just to open a cab door, and trying to communicate with a cab driver in English.

Seriously? Seriously.

I could go on and on with this, but you get my point.

Back at the farm, we could be waking up from a nap before jumping in the pool, playing with the dogs, having a clean, healthy meal over wine before dabbling in work – or engaging in extracurricular play – before immersing ourselves in a Jacuzzi in preparation for an hour or so of Criminal Minds on our Macbooks or tablets.

That’s life.

People are so funny.

They go someplace for a weekend and the first thing they do is post selfies of themselves on a beach with a margarita in their hands, surrounded by “friends.”

Most will never tell you they contracted food poisoning, sat in airports for 5 additional hours, or fell on the floor when they looked at their hotel bills.

They want you to think it was all a wonderful, wonderful experience they had and you didn’t.

No wonder so many of them look beat to shit.

~~~

With this as a backdrop, I’m going to be completely honest with you about something:

If I had the funds for a full-time house manager, a private jet, and unlimited resources to spend without the slightest concern, I would pro0bably travel more than a couple times a year.

But not many more.

No wonder my brief stint with online dating was a dismal failure.

How to Combat Aging: Real World Strategies

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-krauss-whitbourne/combat-ageism_b_9720708.html

Coming from someone who has handled the aging process about as well as a chicken about to be thrown into a jet turbine to test its ability to vaporize it without stalling, you will disintegrate to one degree or another no matter how much you spend, how much you do, or how much genetics are in your camp.

Live the perfect stress-free life, visit Aspen every 5 minutes, get daily massages, mud packs, holistic body treatments, facial fillers, Botox injections, face lifts, collagen, but no matter what you do, you can’t beat the shit out of time.

The best you can do is look better than your neighbors, which is something you can always count on at HOA meetings no matter how depressed you are about everything else.

Aside from the aforementioned obvious, there is a deeply psychological consequence of aging in we men that involves our primal role as protectors.

In short [because I know you don’t want to read a psych lecture], when men begin to feel physically challenged, their self-esteem hits the floor. And even when we are in exemplary condition for our age, we are always and forever looking back at where we once were. It’s inevitable. We all do it. And we all feel like crap about it no matter how much we are still able to do.

But there are a few things we can do to put an end to the misery, or, at least, hold it in abeyance while we get back into therapy.

Here they are:

1] Try to feel optimistic about aging.

Yea, right. There is nothing to look forward to about aging. Nothing. You’re just here. The best you can do is make the most of what’s left. So no, I’m not a fan of being older.

Is there any good news?

There is some:

      a] You get into fewer fistfights because younger men don’t consider you an equal match anymore than they do women.

      b] You have more money, so you can buy women who would not otherwise date you.

      c] People hold the door for you unlike the old days when they let it slam you in the face.

     d] There are planned communities filled with people your age, and with beach views.

      e] You get prescription drug discounts.

     f] People tell you how great you look when it’s not true.

      g] Young people look at you like you’re completely insane when you talk to them, but they still allow you to do it because they’re no longer afraid of you.

     h] The first person police question are the young adults. 

      i] Nobody expects much of you in the gym, so when you are reasonably competitive you get more kudos than you can count.

      j] Forgetting your own phone number is considered normal, and therefore, will not affect you job prospects since you’re not applying.

2] Avoid “senior moment” traps at all cost.

Never discuss your minor health issues to anyone but your physician or personal trainer. No one else your age wants to be reminded of where they are, and younger people dismiss you as irrelevant. It’s their way of squashing what they consider to be an existential threat, mainly because it is.

Instead, allude to what you’ve accomplished in your life and what your next adventure will be.

3] Have your affairs in order, but don’t bring this up in casual conversation under any circumstances, including all of them. 

One guy in my gym started talking about his living will and suddenly he had no one to talk to. Still doesn’t.

4] Understand and embrace technology.

Frankly, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t understand technology other than people in their 80’s. This is an even greater reason to make sure you are still of this world.

5] Ignore people will call you out on your age.

You’re going to get this at some point or another — the ribbing about where you are versus where you once were. Ignore it. Move on.

Getting upset about it will validate everything they just said.

Their time is coming.

6] There’s a “fountain of youth” clinic on every street corner [you best avoid]. 

You’re vulnerable, too hopeful for your own good. And for every soft target there are predators waiting to pounce on your insecurities.

My advice is to find a great Internist, stay in the best shape of your life, and keep your expectations in check.

If you check too many boxes you’ll start experiencing life through the eyes of a once great athlete who thinks he has another season in him, even if no one else thinks so, including his coaches and physicians.

~~~

when i allow it to be
there’s no control over me
i have my fears
but they do not have me

Peter Gabriel, Darkness

New Boomer TV Show!

MW-EL309_Americ_20160426130800_MG

http://babyboomersinamerica.com/

And now for the bad news…

http://www.marketwatch.com/story/were-going-broke-chasing-the-american-dream-2016-04-27

As everyone knows, life exacts its pound of flesh one way or the other, but money is one reliable carbon credit for all the attrition.

Of course, you have to have it to use it.

My generation grew up with the misguided notion that we had to find a career that truly fulfilled us in order to succeed in life. the idea was that we wouldn’t put for the effort necessary to succeed doing something we didn’t personally enjoy.

What we weren’t reminded of is that money runs the world, and that without it, there are no vacations! where we get to do what we love.

I was guilty of the same misguided notions until I got lucky. But that’s for another blog…or you can just read my last book, Urban Dystrophy available on Amazon.

The article focuses on one Neal Gabler, who has written acclaimed biographies of Walt Disney and Walter Winchell among many others.

Unfortunately, Gabler was, as he freely admits, “a financial illiterate, or worse — an ignoramus.”

“I don’t ask for or expect any sympathy,” he writes. “I am responsible for my quagmire — no one else.”

His situation is the product of some bad luck and many poor choices, many of them common to all of us.

In brief, here they are:

1. He chose to be a writer, not the most stable profession.

2. He chose to write books, which don’t produce income for years.

3. He chose to live in high-cost New York City.

4. He chose to have two children, whom he sent to private school early on and then to Stanford and Emory for college.

5. His wife quit her job as a film executive to spend more time with the kids when they moved to eastern Long Island.

The article suggests that perhaps it’s time for us to redefine the American Dream beyond the purely material goals of the postwar years, when our growth seemed unstoppable.

It concludes that life should be more about the freedom to succeed or fail on our own terms.

But, in my view, there is no more “our own terms” because none of us lives in a box, impervious to media and life on the outside.

And while encompassing things like pride in our own personal achievements, family, friends, and community service that leaves a legacy of which we can be proud, we can not all afford therapy at $250/50 minutes.

The Often Overlooked Differences Between Youth and Middle Age

youthAny one of these people could have rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago.

 

older-couples-getty

If any of these people rolled out of bed 10 minutes ago instead of several hours ago after hair and make-up for this photo shoot, they’d frighten children.

~~~

Last night we went attending the opening of a new art gallery in Houston.

No big deal, right?

Hardly.

But before I get into this, allow me to offer some perspective.

When I was 25, going out was a straight line between the thought and the front door: I put on some clothes and walked out knowing I looked presentable no matter what I looked like.

If I hadn’t combed my hair, it probably looked better than it would if I spent an hour in front of the mirror with sprays and gels.

My skin was, you know, young,  my jawline sharp. Rarely did I see bloodshot eyes no matter what I did to myself the night before.

And by the way, there also wasn’t a single, solitary hair anyplace other than where it was from the time I was 14.

In short, I was ripe for breeding.

Then time passed…and I didn’t die.

Some say we linger no matter what we actually do, but to the point: I was no longer able to do what I didn’t have to do back in the day.

No, this is not what you want to hear, I get it. Believe me, I know. But we’re here and this is what we have to deal with if we want to, you know, linger.

Now lingering is also relative, so there’s some hope if you’re willing – and/or able – to read between the lines.

For example, people are not static images on a two-dimensional page, so there’s that.

In reality, there’s money and experience and a whole lot of other stuff that creates a composite that often acts as a carbon credit against physical attrition.

But no matter what an older adult has in their favor, they cannot escape an aging appearance, which requires propping up every step of the way in order to maintain some degree of objective attractiveness.

Some things are simply not subjective no matter how you spin the narrative.

So how does all of this translate?

1] Dentists handle our teeth, which, of course, involves regular cleanings – but also crowns, veneers, whitening, bonding…and root canals to name a few more.

2] Then there’s the hair-where-it-doesn’t-belong thing. We either visit a stylist [usually the case with women], or we do it ourselves, with often catastrophic results. 

3] Did I mention diet? Yea, if you want to make it into your 50’s without type-2 diabetes and/or every other imaginable health problem, you have to eat clean, with the exception of one “cheat” meal per week.

4] You have to get plenty of sleep, and I mean 8 hours of sleep each and every night if you plan to remember your mother’s name.

5] You will be forced to conform to a certain set of standards required of adults in nice neighborhoods.

For example:

a] You cannot walk out of your home bare-chested, or in a wife beater, or in your underwear without being branded clinically insane and an imminent danger to neighborhood children.

          b] You cannot punch out your neighbor for being noisy on a Sunday morning. Instead you will contact your HOA or local police and let them handle it for you. 

          c] You will abstain from contentious remarks or unnecessary cursing, lest you be excluded from HOA meetings that will now involve discussion about what to do about you. 

6] You will stay in reasonable shape, which your personal trainer will help ensure.

7] If your wife or girlfriend is significantly younger than you, expect not to invited to social functions involving age-appropriate wives.

8] Nobody cares if you’re a member of the LGBT community as long as your home and lawn are well manicured.

9] If you own a vehicle not on the acceptable vehicle list, you will be labelled curious, and usually outright dismissed.

a] Acceptable adult vehicles include, Range Rover, Lexus, Porsche, Chevrolet Yukons and Suburbans, Mini, Audi, BMW, Jaguar, Maserati, Ferrari and classic muscle cars in pristine condition. I may have missed one or two, but you get my point. Lamborghini is considered     white trash no matter how much money you have. 

         b] Vehicles on the kill list included any late model muscle car and Econoline vans.

10] Finally [for the moment] you must know the law. If not, you can and will be sued for anything and everything imaginable, including everything.

a] Understand that many affluent people are bored out of their minds, particularly if they’re in bad physical shape, hate their wives, or suffer clinical depression stemming from fading relevance, leaving them staring down the barrel of destiny. Thus, always be considerate of others, understand that you live in a neighborhood of which you are a member [not a king], and abide by the statutes set forth by your home owner’s association. While your kids can do pretty much anything they want, leveraging youth against bad behavior, the buck will always stop with you.

Yes, I know, getting older can be a friggin’ nightmare, but it’s not without its perks.

I’ll elaborate in my next installment.