The Spirit of Youth at Midlife: Why Men Need Space to “Misbehave”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/22/midlife-crisis-4-ways-to-deal-changes-male-partner_n_3094414.html

If he wants a damn “motorcycle,” let him have it. Your marriage may depend on it.

If you’re in the same generation as your husband, you may want to keep the following things in mind as you age together:

1] Don’t judge him.

If he wants a motorcycle, you don’t have to jump up and down with joy about it. But you need to respect his desire to do something he’s always wanted to do, but couldn’t for all the reasons one might expect [i.e., job, children, et al].

Most men I know have already proven themselves financially, and now they just want to go back to feeling the way they did when it all started, mostly because they can afford to.

This is also why so many affluent older men have blind checking accounts, but I digress.

2] Remain calm, very calm.

Women should understand [and respect] that men must feel like men in order to continue functioning as men.

Sometimes this includes the viewing of pornography, which most consider normal and well-adjusted behavior.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s no big deal.

But for you women who consider it a form of cheating, you can either walk out on your otherwise faithful husband of 25 years, or just go with the flow.

Beating him up about it will just drive him to places like Ashleymadison.com.

3] Respect his fears about aging.

Older men worry about a lot of things they tend to keep to themselves.

1] Fear about the body breaking down.

2] Fear about retirement.

3] Fear about everything he once felt in control of.

These are all very real to him, common to most, and worthy of consideration from all.

4] Pay attention to his emotional issues.

Brushing off your man’s emotional issues is a recipe for disaster.

I know this will surprise many of you, but men have needs beyond sports and intercourse.

Always keep your marriage a priority, particularly after the kids are gone, and never, ever take him for granted unless you want a hooker at your door at 3 o’clock in the morning with a ransom demand.

SUMMARY

In study after study, it has been demonstrated that an aging man’s greatest fears are all quite similar no matter who he happens to be.

In my world, most men fear 1] impotence for obvious reasons.

This is why they are always having their cholesterol checked, their testosterone increased, and their fitness regimen on a fast track.

Some see this as racing with the devil because it is.

With this in mind, it become obvious then that aging men fear 2] weakness, in general.

No man wants to feel vulnerable, not in full possession of himself.

It is an indignity to most, and the reason so many suffer clinical depression after an injury or illness.

Then there’s the specter of 3] irrelevance that I can’t stop talking about in this blog.

A man with a lifetime of exemplary accomplishments is usually proud of what he’s done, and least likely to let go of it freely.

This is why great achievers keep working.

After all, you’re only as good as your last accomplishment, and if it was over a decade ago, you’ll never have anything to say for yourself at cocktail functions.

There are other concerns, of course, like losing one’s mind, but they are usually subordinate to the ones I just mentioned.

Ageism Strikes…Again.

Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin, 59 and his fiance Katie Hunt, 31

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3238970/Vermont-Gov-Peter-Shumlin-engaged-marry-year.html#comments

The fact that this is a “story” at all speaks to the lingering ageism in the same world that’s witnessed Olympian Bruce Jenner morph into Caitlin, and gay marriage legalized.

So what’s up with this?

Let’s turn to some of the article’s comments for more insight:

“She doesn’t look 31. She looks older. Seems less shocking that way.”

“He must have money.”

“I would not be happy if I was her parents.”

“He’s a pig. He’s very wealthy so yeah… Right move on her part!”

“Yuck.”

~~~

There were one or two supportive remarks, but that’s it.

So what does this say about us as a society?

It says that there are lots of pissed off older women who feel left behind, and just as many young men who feel that they can’t compete with older men of affluence and power.

See, nobody’s competing with Caitlin Jenner.

Aging is a Bitter Pill [No Wonder We’re All in Denial]

Liam Neeson, 63 ‘Never been healthier…’ for 63.

Ahead of turning 63 on June , he said: ‘My birthday is a touchy subject. I’m going to be 63 — nobody wants to be 63! I’m getting old.

‘What I want more than anything is for it to be ignored. I just hate it and it makes me feel vulnerable. It’s such a private thing — the day you were born, the day you came out of your mother’s womb.

‘Some people hire a boat and do grand things like that, but I just get embarrassed about that sort of celebration and attention.’

~~~

What exactly is 63 supposed to look like?

Does anyone know?

As far as Hollywood is concerned, a 63-year-old actor is supposed to be fit, muscular, dashing…and yes, sexy.

A lot of this is projection, as many industry people are themselves middle age…and beyond.

But in the end it just gets down to pandering to a massive Baby Boomer market in denial.

This aside, how do a very select few 63-year-old men manage to maintain extraordinary levels of youthfulness?

1] Intense physical fitness regimens

2] Balanced diets

3] Low stress

4] Regular testosterone injections

5] Plastic surgery

6] Perfect styling

7] Flattering light

8] A willing suspension of disbelief on the part of audiences

9] Money and power

10] Dying famous at age 27.

~~~

Nobody wins this war.

We can be in spectacular shape at 63, but we’re still 63 no matter how imaginatively anyone spins it.

This is a particularly tough pill to swallow for older men of health and means.

They can afford to travel, dine at 5-star establishments, buy expensive toys, and date beautiful young men and women.

But the problem is that they have very little time to do it before the other show drops.

Think older man’s version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for adults and this begins to make sense.

This is why denial is my generation’s crucible.

The “Plankton” Generation – Revisited

As most people know by now, there’s a phrase coined for 45-plus women on the dating scene – the Plankton Generation.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2022102/Why-struggle-single-women-45-meet-soulmate.html

It refers to women who are barely visible, and are “hanging at the bottom of the food chain” when it comes to attracting a mate.

It’s a derisive term, frankly, and one I’m not crazy about using.

But like most things in life aging-related, there’s no nice way of putting it.

Having said this, there are upsides depending on how you define “attracting a mate.”

I’ll explore those here…

~~~

It has been my experience that while older women find it difficult to find mates who fit their preferred profiles, they are better adapted to accepting – and making the very best of – the realities of aging.

According to Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, a noted Yale professor of psychology women’s lives get better with age, not worse. Rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in women go down, not up, as women grow older, and she contributes that to the natural strengths women possess — coping skills, empathy, ability to listen, patience — which help them to tackle new problems and situations that arise as they age. It also gives them the courage to pursue new paths.

Men, on the other hand, have tremendous difficulty accepting aging.

First, they have a tendency not to maintain close friendships with other men, nor do the friendships they do have involve any meaningful degree of emotional intimacy and support.

Women, on the other hand, cherish and nurture their friendships with other women which helps them navigate life’s many stages.

“Contrary to women, men do not celebrate older age as a time of joy, love, and fulfillment for all they have worked for and grown to be over their lifetimes,” as Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema states.

Note: Among the older adults, who were facing the adversities that come with aging, the men showed less inclination to use these important coping skills compared to the women. In other words, older women were more likely than older men to tap their mental, emotional, and relational strengths to deal with adversity, which in turn left them less vulnerable to depression and anxiety in the face of difficulty.

Contrary to popular opinion, women over 50 tend to find their confidence and increased levels of satisfaction from within… not from without.

Even in the face of our cultural obsession with youth and beauty, older women place a greater emphasis and pride on their own maturity, experience and wisdom.

But, make no mistake: “women over 50 think they’re looking pretty good, too:” according to Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema’s study, women’s body images actually become more positive as they move from their 20s, 30s and 40s, into midlife.

While many men consider this deluded thinking, it works in women’s favor given their level of self-acceptance.

Put another way, while women may not get their immediate needs met, they more than make up for it through friendships and outside interests.

A few of the websites and blogs that are especially effective at reflecting the interests and concerns of women over 50 include:

 The Art of Aging

 Aging Abundantly

 Fab After 50

 The National Association of Baby Boomer Women (NABBW)

 The Huffington Post/Aging

 Fab Over Fifty

 ThirdAge

 wowOwow (Women on the Web)

 StyleSubstanceSoul

 MarryingGeorgeClooney

 DailyPlateofCrazy

Good luck finding this many for men.

Writer Barbara Hannah Grufferman asked her friends on Facebook, Are women better at aging than men? and here’s what a few of them had to say (reprinted with their permission):

Barbara Briggs Ward: I think the tide has turned. Women are more in charge of their aging. They are no longer giving in to it. They run; walk; try new careers; eat well; find new loves. Age no longer means slowing down and retreating. Age does not define a woman-for better or worse. It only opens new doors for them. And I think all of this has given women an edge over the men who are used to doors always being open.

Denise Taylor Tremaine: You don’t ever hear, or rarely, of women going through a mid-life crisis… we handle everything with grace.

Kim Okerson: I agree that the social pressure on women is far greater, but it is up to each of us to have the grace and dignity to accept that our age is state of mind.

Connie Katon Wingo: The emotional impact of aging is difficult for men, I’d say. In their youth, they were able to have the perception of controlling their environment. Their identities as men were so often tied to their sexual perception and themselves. Their sex drive slows down, and for a great deal of men their “manhood,” is tied into their perception of their sexuality. Also, as men begin to age in the workforce, their roles begin to change and coping with the feeling of obsoleteness is frightening, possibly causing men to feel more insecure about aging.

Melody George: I dont think one gender has it over another on aging. I think with men and women it is equally daunting or exciting depending on the person.

Whatever your thoughts are on this… here’s the fundamental truth: the more we stick together, the happier we will be.

The unfortunate fact is that sticking together is something men simply don’t do well.

FINAL COMMENTS

As for the coping skills that older men do happen to have at their disposal, please note the following:

1] The ability to purchase and/or attract youth and beauty with money and power.

2] The distraction from existential pain using bigger homes, Aspen vacations and sports cars as leverage.

3] Hunting and fishing trips that get them out of the house and into the arms of escorts.

4] Online porn.

5] Routine testosterone therapy and plastic surgery.

Normal, well-adjusted older men have age-appropriate wives, children and grandchildren, for God’s sake.

They have vacation homes where everyone comes together at holidays and embraces all that life has given them.

They aren’t consumed with death and irrelevance – or both.

Their families are their relevance.

I know this is lost on most of you who read this blog, but these people do exist.

Of course, they’d bore you to death long before loneliness or depression took you down.

What “Normal” Looks Like for Rich, Big City Boomers

Buzz Bissinger, 60 with Caitlyn Jenner, 65

I thought this picture was interesting, so I decided to share it with you.

I have nothing more to say…other than the fact that enough money and success have a way of opening doors to behavior that might otherwise remain hidden behind pleated khakis and anonymous Internet hook-ups.

~~~

Excerpt from Urban Dystrophy [the book] on what Midlife Crisis Looks Like from the Inside

“I’m sitting at a white plastic table in front of a wine bar. It’s one o’clock on a Tuesday morning and an empty parking lot is the only landscape.

The streets are deserted.

Most guys my age are asleep. Their time came and went, and they let go in that unconscious way most men do when their stories have been told and the end is a long, drawn-out epitaph.

But, I stayed behind, along with the rest of the itinerants of the night.

I have no place to go that I haven’t already been, and nothing to do but wait and hope and sometimes pray for mercy that relevance and that one big love will one day redeem me, but it never does. Not really.

We’re beyond salvation. Most of us.

There have been exceptions, but the grace is never a hundred percent and you have to make peace with that the best you can.

We’re members of the bitten, the damned, the fighters against the forces of time until we no longer can.

Most of us are children of narcissists, narcissists who never died because narcissists never do—they’re just recycled and the kids are left to clean up the mess.

I wonder where all the time went. Time is all I have left to make a final stand.

I remember my first midlife crisis at 28. The rest is a blur.”

~~~

The “buzzword” for most men I know is relevance.

To my late father, it meant carrying a business card with his name on it next to “Chairman and CEO.”

This gave him relevance no matter what else happened to be going on in his life.

Symbols like these are the quintessential calling cards that legitimize driven, proud men.

It’s otherwise known as a good “back story” every man needs to get the right party invitations.

I inherited this “gene,” if you will, and continue to struggle with what it means to feel a viable part of a world I’ve already traversed a thousand times.

Aging rockers continue to tour long after the songs have been written and the money’s in the bank. They don’t know what else to do with themselves, and more importantly, the limelight is better than no light at all.

Movie producers keep producing movies because they want to feel like they have more stories to tell, that there’s still juice in the tank…that they’re still viable.

I even heard a guy in Aspen say that no matter how much money he had to throw around during ski season, he still felt invisible:

“Hell, $200 mil is a drop in the bucket for a lot of these people. I can’t win.”

What he was saying was that he felt invisible in a world where money and power and influence and connections are the sole determinants of human value.

Sadly, for many men this is the fuel that keeps the soul alive.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t exclude myself from any of this.

Why are Middle-Aged Men Committing Suicide in Record Numbers?

In 2013, 78 per cent of the 6,233 suicides registered in the UK were men. That’s a rate of 19 deaths per 100,000 population.

That more men take their own lives than women is not new. But in 1981 the men’s total was only about double, or just under, the women’s.

Now it’s nearly four times as many.

Since 2007, in fact, baby boomers have had the highest rate of suicide of any age group in the United States.

Historically, people between the ages of 40 and 64 have had one of the lowest rates.

To complicate matters, baby boomers are now sliding into the over-65 demographic, an age group that historically has had one of the highest suicide rates.

Making matters worse, suicides among middle-aged men with mental health issues have soared by 73% since 2006, which may be attributed to a combination of alcohol, job loss and debt, as compiled by the University of Manchester’s National Confidential Inquiry into Suicide and Homicide by People with Mental Illness.

Oh boy. Want more?

“Our findings show that within mental health care, middle-aged men are particularly at risk,” said Prof Louis Appleby, the director of NCISH who was formerly the government’s mental health tsar and leads the national suicide prevention strategy. “The problem is not simply that they don’t seek help – they are already under mental health care – so we have to understand better the stresses men in this age group face.”

How about this?

More men in the UK have died by suicide in the past year than all British soldiers fighting in all wars since 1945.

I’m neither a Sociologist or Psychiatrist. In fact, my only authority in this area is interpersonal exchange and an open heart, for which I have earned several Doctoral Degrees.

Men my age and socioeconomic niche are, generally speaking, over-achievers. They made their “piles” working hard, passionately over many years.

Many have been married and divorced a few times over.

The majority have children somewhere.

Now they’re smack in the middle of the Baby Boom generation, with nowhere to go and nothing to do that they haven’t already been done a thousand times before.

Only this time around, they’re older – a lot older – with far less time to enjoy life the way they did when the journey started.

It’s a small window of opportunity in which to reinvent oneself before everything becomes a hobble along a windswept beach on the edge of oblivion.

With this as a backdrop, here are my 5 top reasons middle-aged men off themselves:

1] Loneliness

Heterosexual men in mid-life are dependent primarily on female partners for emotional support.

One reason for this is that they’ve never explored anything beyond sports stats with their “friends.”

Women, on the other hand, maintain their independent relationships throughout life – divorce notwithstanding – which is one reason they outlive us.

To wit, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and two times higher among separated men compared to married.

This is the quintessential dichotomy about men: While we love sex, we love relationships more.

2]Reluctance to seek help

Professor Shirley Reynolds, from Reading University, said one of the reasons for the rise in suicides is the fact only around ’15 per cent of men with depression and anxiety seek help’.

Most men my age practice intimacy-avoidance. They’d rather swallow a pack of Gillette straight razors than open up about clinical depression.

For one thing, depression is not manly. Men don’t suffer depression unless it’s tied to warfare, in which case it’s called PTSD, an acceptable acronym.

Anything else is an indication that you’re either gay and in denial, or didn’t get into enough fistfights when you were a kid.

In either case, you’re screwed in the eyes of middle-aged frat boys who are themselves gay, and in denial.

3] Money

Okay, I know a few people who put bullets in their heads when the market crashed in 2008.

Not having any money after have a shit-ton of it sucks more than just about anything else, excluding colon cancer, which is a close second.

You lose your house, your cars, your vacations…and usually, your wife.

So now you have nothing at age “60” and have no interest in starting over at Dairy Queen.

I get it. Use the gun. 30 years mopping floors or flipping burgers just isn’t worth it.

Plus you’ll never get laid again as long as you do happen to live.

4] Feminism

Many men bought into the notion that marrying super-achiever women – the ones who handle all of the traditionally male responsibilities – was a novel idea…until the women in question left them for real men who could buy and sell them a thousand times, which earned their respect.

It’s been my experience that women want men to be men in the traditional sense no matter what they say to the contrary. I’m not talking about some archaic master-servant relationship, but one where the man is clearly the head of the household everyone look up to.

But these days older men are caught in a cross-fire of conflicting expectations about what it means to be a man. This usually means that when things go South, they don’t have the coping skills to handle the downward spiral.

The bottom line here is that men should take care of themselves first – and everyone else – second.

5] Irrelevance

Okay, so your career is winding down, the kids are out of the house, and your ex-wife is a colossal bitch. What the hell are you going to do with yourself? You already proved to the world that you could become CEO of some star-up and make a pile of money.

Now what?

That job is done, but when people ask you what the hell you’re doing with yourself, you have nothing to say. This means you’re only as good as your last performance – which, by the way, was 10 years ago. Not good. Very bad, in fact. Particularly at society cocktail functions.

Men are inextricably tied to what they do professionally, so if you’re not doing what you were once doing, then what the hell are you doing?

Men need an answer.

If they don’t have one, they dwell on what to say to people.

This often leads to introspection, as in the meaning of life kind of crap and then hookers, drugs and a shotgun blast to silence the noise.

Believe me, older men need a good back story to survive. Otherwise, the only thing anyone will be interested in is conning them out of whatever money they happen to have left over from their glory days.

SUMMARY

Getting older sucks. The best you can hope for is money in the bank, good health, and a competent psychiatrist.

Note that money was the first on my list of must-haves because without it you’re probably better off dead.

How else are you going to afford the psychiatrist?

~~~

For more information, here’s a good article on depression in older men:

http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/mid-life-crisis-depression-or-both/

How Much Boomers [REALLY] Need to Ditch Their Day Jobs and Follow Their Dreams?

Table #1

Starting out this discussion with lifespan projections is already a bummer, but don’t worry. It gets worse.

Table #2

If you’re a Baby Boomer [51-68 yrs of age] making 300k/yr, a 60-year-old will need approximately 11.7 times that amount properly invested in order to realize the same income – and that’s assuming market conditions are stable. They’re not.

So let’s get real.

As I state in my book, “Urban Dystrophy,” on Amazon, a starter portfolio starts at around $5,000,000.

The reason I say this is because most guys I know like to do things like date beautiful women [or men], travel, dine out, and buy cool shit – all of which cost money. Lots of it.

None of this is a problem if your day job is bringing in 300k and your retirement money is – for the most part – rolled back into your portfolio.

But what if there is no day job and you’re living off of passive income alone [investments]?

Now the numbers have to change drastically, because in order to earn 300k on a 3.5 mil portfolio, you’ll have to be either an investment genius or selling crack on the side.

In my world [i.e., urban, educated, worldly, sophisticated – probably entitled], you’ll need approximately $7.5 mil to live a very nice – but not extravagant – lifestyle without having to worry about spending it all.

~~~

$7.5 million dollars is a lot of money.

Most guys making $600k/year for 25 years don’t have anywhere close to that amount invested.

Hell, most guys making a 1 million a year for 25 years don’t have that amount in savings.

How is this possible?

Easy.

On a 1 million dollar a year salary, you walk home with approximately $600k, or $50k/month, net-net.

If you own a $2 million dollar home, which is considered normal in these circles, you’re paying $50-$60k in annual property taxes alone on a 30-year house note of $1.5 million [after a 500k down payment], which lands you in the $10k/month range – excluding everything that goes into running a house, like utilities, repairs, and so on.

Add a second home somewhere in the mountains [a small place], a wife, two kids in private schools, and a couple of exotic vacations a year and you have about 150k left to invest, if you’re disciplined.

At the end of 25 years, you will have saved approximately $3,750,000 plus whatever your portfolio has generated over that time period, which most people place at about 8% /year [on good years].

Weird, huh?

And you thought everyone had at least $20 mil in the bank.

~~~

With $7.5 million well invested, you can comfortably take out 500k/yr, enough to live a great life without worries.

This doesn’t mean you can run out an buy yachts, travel in private jets, or buy a big place in Aspen.

But you can own a $2 mil home, put two cars in the driveway, shop at Whole Foods, and stay in 5-star hotel properties suites accompanied by reasonably well-equipped gold-diggers who might also love you for who you are, though most gold-diggers with the capacity to feel actual human emotions usually start in the $10 mil range.

Majority of Boomers are Positive About Their Generational Label

Many millennials don’t even want to be identified as such, with 60 per cent not considering themselves to be part of the ‘millennial generation.’ Instead, 33 per cent say they are part of Generation X~~~

Millennials attribute negative traits to their generation and the Silent Generation and Boomers see themselves in a positive right, describing their generation as patriotic, responsible, hard-working and moral.

Generational identity was strongest among the baby boomers, with 79 per cent of those within the applicable age group identifying with the ‘baby-boom’ generation.

Around 30 per cent of Generation Xers – those ages 35-50 – said their own generation was self-absorbed and wasteful, and 20 per cent of the baby boomers said the same about their age cohort.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3221560/Millennials-self-absorbed-wasteful.html

A few more facts about Baby Boomers:

The last of the baby boomers turned 50 in 2014 – there were 77 million people born between 1946 and 1964, which is defined as the baby boomer era (U.S. Census).
The 2010 Census shows the senior age group is, for the first time, the largest in terms of size and percent of the population in the U.S. Ove the next 30 years, the 65+ population will be larger than the younger generations.
The 50+ population has $2.4 trillion in annual income, which accounts for 42% of all after-tax income in the U.S. (Consumer Expenditure Survey).
Boomers and seniors have seen a decrease in their median family net worth, however they still have a net worth 3x that of younger generations (Economic Policy Institute).
Every year, the U.S. Consumer Expenditure Survey shows adults 55-64 outspend the average consumer in nearly every category, from food, household furnishing, entertainment, personal care, gifts, etc.
Baby boomers account for nearly $230 billion, or 55% of consumer packaged goods sales (Nielsen).
The NAHB predicts that the aging in place remodeling market to be $20-$25 billion. That’s about 10% of the $214 billion home improvement industry.
Boomers spend $157 billion on trips every year (NextAvenue).
Americans 50+ account for half of all consumer spending but are targeted by just 10% of marketing (AARP).
The Internet is the most important source of information for Boomers when they make major purchasing decisions (Zoomerang).
Boomers outspend younger adults online 2:1 on a per-capita basis (Forrester, 2009).

Straight Talk from Boomer and “Pretender” Chrissie Hynde [63]

press session for Chrissie Hynde: Stockholm

There’s just something about the tenor of my generation’s words that always resonates with me.

I can’t imagine why.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/pretenders%E2%80%99-chrissie-hynde-no-regrets-about-rape-comments/ar-AAdVJVW

Up Next!

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