The Forensics of Rich Older Men and the Young Women in Their Lives

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“Hell yes, I’m down. No money. Psychiatric problems I can’t even pronounce. No job prospects. One foot in the gutter. So yea, that old man looks damn good at this point. What other choice do I have? It’s hell out here and I’m not getting any younger…”

…………..

After a certain point, relationships tend to be more about conscious asset balancing. This is not cynicism. It’s just another door to love, rather than the one we used when we were in our twenties.

Thus, when people see young women in the company of much older men, they see a very specific equation. But there’s often a lot more to it.

For example, let’s say an affluent man of 65 begins to see a woman of 35.

He may be in excellent physical health while she’s one foot under a bridge.

Men her age aren’t interested in her because she’s fallen through the cracks, in spite of a lingering beauty, unmistakable from days gone by.

Such men easily find others their own age who are successful attorneys, doctors, engineers and other gainfully employed professionals without the physical and psychiatric disabilities.

So she makes a conscious decision to do something about it by leveraging what she does have [youth and lingering beauty] against everything she doesn’t [the list is endless], and comes up with a man 30 years her senior willing to take her on in exchange for companionship and the prospect of real love.

He’s old and successful, she’s relatively young and broken, but with the proper care and financial resources he can rebuild a broken soul while satisfying his own needs at the same time.

She gets elaborate shelter, a constant resupply of meds, funds for medical check-ups, plastic surgery, fillers, Botox, travel and a closet full of designer clothing.

What’s not to love?

Over time she reemerges as someone else, a better her, the one she left behind a decade ago now on top of the human food chain.

And while she did, in fact, “sacrifice” years [Read: work], her efforts paid off handsomely.

Now you know why so many young women are in the company of rich older men, and why money is only part of the equation.

Baby Boomers Finding Fitness Groove in Houston

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http://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/health/article/Baby-boomers-find-a-new-fitness-groove-as-they-age-8351062.php

The article makes some good points about aging and athletics.

But there is far more to the story as I will detail shortly, blow by blow.

…………

By the time most people hit 60, it’s pretty much game over as far as living life to its fullest is concerned.

Most of that’s in the past, the memories, when a good night’s sleep was irrelevant.

These days, it’s more about a nice place near a beach, and plenty of whiskey.

Of course, I don’t know any of these people.

The people I do know are still semi-active in their careers, and regulars in the gym.

But I live in a bog city where the bar is set sky high.

In other words, people don’t see 60 as the end of days, but rather the beginning of a new dawn where even actuarial tables are considered abstractions.

Statistics

The Baby Boom is a period in history between 1946 and 1964.

There are roughly 77 million of us between the ages of 52 and 70.

We’re facing body changes that include a slower metabolism, arthritis, menopause, weakening joints, and, of course, depression.

…………..

THE REALITIES OF A FITNESS LIFESTYLE AT 60

People at this age, with time to focus on workouts and the lifestyle that goes with it, are already successful in their careers.

Money buys the time, and this is a big deal because fitness is not just what happens in the gym.

So rule #1 is to have reasonable degree of financial independence.

Once you pass this initial test, you’re ready to start –– or continue, as the case may be.

As a lifelong athlete, I can tell you unequivocally that even for someone like myself with decades of training behind me, shit changes…and it feels like it comes in the night and takes what the hell it wants.

I wake up exhausted most days. Even the days I don’t, I’m still exhausted, relatively speaking.

It’s part physical, part existential [psychological].

I don’t know whether I want to get up and be productive or surf beachfront properties.

There’s this push-pull dynamic that I don’t recall experiencing in my past.

Then there’s the endless inflammation, the rehab from anti-inflammatories to prevent liver failure, the weird little shit that pops up every 5 minutes for no apparent reason other than what comes across as taunts.

This is why you needs friends who help support your efforts, your lifestyle –– particularly if you’re just starting out.

So Rule #2 is to have friends who like to workout.

Without a support network you are dead in the water, because, at some point, you’re going to give up without encouragement.

No 60-year-old in his right mind is going to workout unless he can share the journey with like minded friends, people who prop him up like AA sponsors.

Then there’s the whole low testosterone things, which, on some level, affects all of us at some point.

Many guys I know are on testosterone supplements, which is not without risks, but worth it if you don’t care what happens to you in 10 years.

To them, it’s the next 10 years that matter. You’ll have to decide for yourself if the risks outweigh the rewards.

Rule #3 is to get your Tes levels checked.

If they are ridiculously low, Prada makes beautiful syringe cases for your drugs.

There are also countless physicians who make handsome livings prescribing steroids to successful older men.

Rule #4 is to get more rest than you think you need no matter how little time you think you have left.

With or without the drugs, you’re going to need extra rest to recover from tough workouts…and, by the way, those are the only workouts you should ever have if you want to get anywhere.

If you’re going to piddle around, just stay home. Gym workouts are not for the faint-hearted, which brings me to Rule #5.

Rule #5 is to find a therapist if you don’t already have one.

Most older men get depressed, and without a healthy outlet beyond the gym, we tend to do stupid shit like buy motorcycles or bring in a hooker.

The best approach is to get help for the inevitable existential drear that comes with aging, and combine it with tough physical training.

If these two don’t nail it, call a priest.

In a way, staying fit at 60 is like boot camp used to be, only this time around you get to the final chapter in one piece

Another upside is that you’re not training for actual war, though it may feel like it.

Too Much Rumination Is Costly, Believe Me

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Okay, so I’ve been on the road a while –– business meetings, photo-shoots, family gatherings and such, so posting to this blog has not been my first priority, though I’m told by mental health professionals that it should be.

They always tell you this because thinking too little is bad for their business model.

Thus, ruminate as little as possible if you want to avoid therapy bills.

I’ll leave it at that. Like I said, I’m on the road.

Back shortly…

How Do We [Baby Boomers] Appear to Those Around Us?

jaymodel“Some things are more precious because they don’t last long.”
Oscar Wilde

When I was in my 20’s I knew exactly what I looked like to people around me.

I knew that i was relatively handsome, fit and young.

This was affirmed everywhere I went. I wasn’t deluded, unlike most people I know these days.

Then time passed – a lot of it, actually – and I no longer knew.

People started to see and interact with me differently…or not acknowledge me at all.

WTF?

Some refer to this as invisibility, but I prefer other words that don’t provoke ego annihilation.

The weird thing about all this is that I still feel young. Or youngish.

My knees ache a little in the mornings, and my joints are tighter than at any time in memory.

But the truth is I don’t remember what 25 felt like, but I have to assume that no matter what it felt like was irrelevant in the scheme of things.

A childhood friend described a moment recently where he was strolling along the beach and a beautiful young woman passed him by without noticing him.

“I though she might at least glance over…”

“It wasn’t that long ago when we would both smile and maybe look back at one another, and everything would be exactly where it belonged.”

But there is no normal any more.

Getting older requires a constant re-acquaintance with oneself.

But this is easier said than done, particularly for people who spent their lives doing exactly what they wanted to do and remaining child-free.

And people wonder why big corporations want their employees married with children.

Child-Free and Deluded

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As a 60-year-old man, I’m the first to admit that I’m neither comfortable with, nor accepting of, my age.

But I’m also not so out of touch with reality that I think I can do a damn thing about it.

This awareness, however, doesn’t make things any better.

I look in the mirror and i see someone who bears only a vague resemblance to the handsome young man who relied on his appearance and charm to open doors.

Now such cavalier behavior comes across as creepy and deluded.

This “old guy” just flirted with me!

Wow. That might have been me.

See, I feel trapped in a body that no longer feels like my own. I’m inside of it bouncing around, unhinged and spiraling.

Who is this person I’ve become?

My 84-year-old mother confessed to me the other day that she still feels like a kid, but knows it’s just life’s way of  doing what it does to maintain our instinct for survival.

As many of you who read my blog and know me personally are already aware, I live with a woman half my age.

In another reality, she might very well be my daughter. She is also child-free and rebellious like I was at her age.

Together, we live in a kind of cocoon of art, entertainment and fitness, the later of which being the primary outlet for our interaction with others.

Other men my age have children in the workforce with wives and children of their own. A few are married to the same women they met back in college.

This is normal.

The reason I bring this up is because the only way that men like me mature properly is to deny ourselves introspection through chaos [i.e., distraction].

But because there is no chaos in the form of “a boss,” “children,” an “age-relevant wife” and a culture group built on conformity, I’m like a wild animal that that digs deeper with every step, making my journey more conscious, more aware, and less resilient where acceptance is concerned.

The truth is most people don’t think about any of this to the point of distraction bordering on preoccupation.

They live vicariously through their children, and allow themselves to be swept up into the mindset of friends, wives, country clubs and common vacation destinations.

They throw up their hands, get into the hospital system, and disappear into enclaves populated by others of their kind until they fall ill and die.

This is also normal.

But guess what?

There are others of my kind who fight this every step of the way. Not that it gets us anywhere, but we do it anyway.

God did this to us.

He put us here to do a couple of things and then die.

But many of us refuse to die under any circumstances, so we’re forced to suffer through a kind of extended Purgatory of the mind.

There are books and drugs to calm the mind, both natural and otherwise, but in the end we’re stuck here in these distraction-free zones cannibalizing our innards.

Here are the only ways I know to fight back with a reasonable expectation of success:

1] Travel constantly, or at least every other weekend. While it is nerve-wracking, it usually doesn’t kill us, which makes us stronger, psychologically.

2] Go to the damn gym no matter how crappy you feel because after a workout, you will again find yourself full of enough endorphin high to get you through the next 12 hours. For extra endorphins, lift very heavy weight. There’s nothing like it to get your head back to ground level.

3] Laugh as much as possible. Even if you’re depressed, laughter is a sure-fire way of exorcising noonday demons without the help of a Catholic priest.

4] Retail therapy is an integral part of happiness as we age. Yesterday I bought some new Bose Noise Reduction headphones and it did me good all through last night.

5] Have passionate interests. I’m never bored because I love to play musical instruments, write, read, take photographs go to the gym and watch commercial-free television shows on my Macbook Pro. If you’re not passionate about anything, you’re toast. 

6] Spend time each day around normal people so you can appreciate just how wonderful abnormality really is…no matter how bad it can often seem. 

7] Spend a lot of time in water. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a shower, bathtub, ocean or swimming pool. There’s something about it that feels cathartic. Yesterday I took three showers, one whirlpool and 20 laps in the swimming pool.

8] Go back to your music collection and play something you really love as loud as possible for 10 minutes, preferably after a glass of wine or a joint if you happen to live in Colorado.

9] Find a massage therapist who actually performs massage, not trigger point. The idea is to feel good, and therefore, escape. this usually works for a good 24 hours.

10] Have erotic sex as often as possible no matter how much it may irritate your lower back. The absence of depression will more than make up for it and keep you feeling relevant and alive.

and last, but not least…

11] Nurture those closest to you. The rest are irrelevant at this point.

You’re welcome.

Final Comment

If you still wonder if or why people don’t see the same young man they saw when you were a young man, please reread this.

 

How Does Billy Bob Thornton, 61, Do It?

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Baby Boomer, Billy Bob Thornton, was born in Hot Springs, Arkansas on August 4, 1955. He is an American actor, filmmaker, singer, songwriter, and musician.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3757208/Why-beauties-fall-Hollywood-s-unlikely-lothario-Billy-Bob-Thornton-charmed-Angelina-Jolie-Amber-Heard.html

In the above article you’ll read all about how Billy Bob managed to nail so many beautiful young women.

But as I have always said, women don’t see a whole lot with their eyes unless it involves themselves or other women.

This is because women for the most part are drawn to the darker mysteries of intellect, power, success and surrender – usually in that order.

I know. Shocker.

Fame, Power, Money and SEX in Entertainment

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3754559/Fox-News-host-Andrea-Tantaros-files-suit-claiming-network-operates-like-sex-fueled-Playboy-Mansion-like-cult-Roger-Ailes-Bill-O-Reilly-unwanted-sexual-advances.html

Newsflash: It’s not just Fox, and it’s not just entertainment, but mostly entertainment because people who choose this route are most often dealing with some form of psychiatric disability.

This aside, when I was a budding young actor in NYC [and before i chose photography and writing], this kind of thing was commonplace.

If you wanted something, you have to surrender something – usually your dignity.

I mean, come on! You weren’t just asking for a job as a bagger at Whole Foods for god’s sake.

You wanted fame and fortune and everything that goes with it.

That was then.

The great thing about being older is that you can look back at all the shit you had to swallow to get ahead and know that no one will ever pull that shit on you again, not least of which because you’re no longer a hot 22-year-old model with your hands out.

My ‘Private Idaho’ of Gym Eccentrics

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My health club is like an outpatient psychiatric facility where patients attend daily group therapy sessions between med checks.

It’s a free-floating phantasm we all play a role in creating.

The list of characters that make up this world are as colorful as the disorders that drive them.

Here are my top 10:

1] …

[up next]

 

 

 

Confessions of a Recovering Middle-Age Exercise Addict

6c261afc-e516-11e5-9142-f1bda08aded3Yea, I was there.

Thankfully, I lived to tell the tale.

The following is a true story and the world I describe is an accurate portrayal of addiction in motion.

~~~

While not a standalone DSM-5 disorder, exercise dependence is closely associated with individuals who struggle with eating disorders, for example.

Many use exercise as a way to compensate for binge eating (bulimia nervosa) by tacking on extra activity to compensate for all the empty calories. It’s not like they’re gorging themselves on chicken breasts and broccoli for God’s sake.

Those with anorexia [extreme caloric limitation] use exercise in a compulsive way to control their weight.

Medical complications from exercise dependence are legion: Cardiovascular events like heart attacks and strokes, absence of menstration, stress fractures, osteoporosis and other overuse injuries.

While some don’t suffering clinical eating disorders, they may still engage in compulsive exercise, spending excessive time engaged in physical activity in the name of health – or to ward off uncomfortable feelings – clinical depression high up on the list of usual suspects.

Typically, these individuals feel guilty when they miss a workout and experience signs of withdrawal, like irritability, anxiety, or depression when their exercise schedules are compromised.

In my world [successful middle-aged urban men], this is considered normal and healthy.

I’m joking of course.

The following are the most common signatures of exercise addiction among older men:

1] If I don’t work out all the time I’m going to fall apart like everyone else my age.

2] If I skip a day, I feel like crap…both physically and psychologically.

3] Though I’m in denial, existential pain is a bitch, and working out 5 hours a day is healthier than heroin.

4] I want people to be proud of me, respect me, give me something I can no longer find within myself, like youth. 

5] My marriage is falling apart. What do you expect?

6] I may be gay after all…at 40 or 50 or 60 or 70…

7] When people ask me why I’m always at the gym, I tell them “what else do I have to do?” In addiction-speak: My world is devoid of balance.

Okay, you get the point. 

So which exercises are most closely associated with addiction?

ANYTHING INVOLVING EXTREME ENDURANCE, LIKE LONG-DISTANCE RUNNING, SWIMMING AND CYCLING.

As everyone in their right mind knows, strength training in combination with flexibility work, cardiovascular conditioning for no more than an hour at a time, combined with a weekly recovery schedule is the healthy way forward for all aging athletes, not 10k runs in 90 degree heat…week after week after week.

And people wonder why most top athletes drop out of Hell Week of SEAL training – and these people are already top athletes in their early 20’s.

I know. Reality is a bitch.

~~~

I used to be one of those people, training 3 hours a day, 7 days a week, and nothing whatsoever to talk about but diet and exercise.

We tend to feed the addiction through camaraderie with other addicts.

In psych circles it’s known as codependency.

But whatever you call it, my little party was about to end.

One week after my 49th birthday, I awoke from a fitful night’s sleep with a raging fever of 102 with extreme inflammation from head to toe.

I knew right away that Tylenol wasn’t going to cut whatever this was,  so I dragged myself to a nearby emergency room where I was diagnosed with Rhabdomyolysis [extreme muscle tissue breakdown that results in the release of a protein (myoglobin) into the blood], which can and will damage the kidneys if not contained.

Fortunately for me, I caught it just in time.

After I was stabilized, my personal physician and I had a heart to heart. he told me in no uncertain terms that I had to stay out of the gym for 30 days, get a personal trainer…and, if necessary, see a psychiatrist before it was too late.

I didn’t ask him to elaborate. I didn’t need to.

After a couple of weeks, the inflammation began to subside, but now depression took it’s place.

I felt like I was climbing out of my skin.

In drug addiction parlance, it’s referred to as the DT’s [drug withdrawal tremors].

While the actual symptoms are different, the downward spiral isn’t.

~~~

When I started with my trainer, the first lesson I had to learn was moderation.

This didn’t mean that my training wouldn’t be tough, but that it would take into account every aspect of what it means to be human.

1] I’m no longer 21.

2] Recovery is a critical component of performance. 

3] A balanced life is a life well lived. 

4] I will never be perfect, nor will anyone else. 

5] Life gives and takes, but mostly takes when you don’t respect its boundaries.

~~~

How did this happen to me?

It happened to me the same way it happens to everyone else: Over time exercise becomes a reliable escape from existential pain. 

You don’t have to take a pill or go to a therapist or even engage in discussions that lead to that rabbit hole of self awareness.

All you have to do is run, swim, bike, lift…crawl if you have to.

But nothing about extreme athletics is normal for anyone not involved in professional sports; particularly hitting the middle years and beyond.

After pulling through this nightmare myself, while at the same time losing close friends to exercise anorexia, I guess you could say I’m a bit resentful of the denial.

~~~

ARTICLES WORTH READING:

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/special-issues/athletes/long-distance-runners-high-risk-to-develop-eating-disorder

http://breakingmuscle.com/endurance-sports/endurance-training-is-bad-for-your-heart

http://www.businessinsider.com/is-short-intensity-exercise-better-than-endurance-training-2015-1

I could go on and on and on and on.

But I’ve known junkies who’ve wanted to kill me over a conversation, so for many, this is an exercise in futility.

Why Rich Older Guys Can’t Find the “Right” Women

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The reasons men of means have difficulty finding true love has everything to do with them, and nothing whatsoever to do with the relative health of their investment portfolios.

~~~

The following is a conversation between yours truly and one of these men.

By the time you’re half way through it, you’ll understand the dilemma.

“John” is a nom de plume.

JOHN

“I just met this woman who is perfect! Perfect body, nice skin, teeth…and she has a perfect ass. A little flat on top, but I can fix that.”

ME

“Where did you meet her?

JOHN

At a really nice steakhouse. She was at the bar having drinks with a girlfriend.

ME

Is she from here?

JOHN

I think so. She’s in school.

ME

How old is she?

JOHN

33

ME

So she’s getting a graduate degree or something?

JOHN

I don’t know all of that, but she is really into fitness and wants to workout with me at the club.

ME

I’m sure she does. What does she do for a living? Does she have a job?

JOHN

Yea, she’s in medical sales or something like that. She’s really smart.

ME

I bet.

~~~

So this is how it all starts.

There’s a checklist that runs in the blood.

You’ll notice the same list in 22-year-old men who don’t have resources and children that must withstand their poor life choices.

Such men can ebb and flow with the tides, relatively unscathed.

But when an older man of means gets caught up in what feels like a rip current, it can drag his entire life straight to hell before he has time to repair the damage.

The point is older men of means have a tendency to forget their age and financial station relative to the women they choose to date.

In their minds, they’re still at Stanford, and the women are on a field in front of them carrying lacrosse rackets.

This is the delusion that settles in like virus and hides out in their spinal columns for the duration of their lives.

It’s incurable, but it can be contained.

Unfortunately, containing it is akin to death to many, so it just does what the hell it wants until there’s nothing left to do.

I can’t tell an older man that his choices are ass-backwards. He doesn’t want to hear it.

What he wants to hear is that a beautiful young woman of unknown origin and lifestyle will love him for who he is.

He wants it to all the be same way things were 30 years ago.

This is the psychopathology.

This is also why these men rarely – if ever – find the “right” women.

They don’t exist anymore than the person they were 30 years ago exists.

Now they’re standing at a steakhouse bar in the middle of a massive metropolis, hallucinating.

And who takes advantage of their hallucinations?

You guessed it.

5 Bullet Points of Note

1] Never choose a woman based solely upon her appearance thinking you can fix the rest of it. In her mind, the rest is not broken. You are.

2] If a woman in a steakhouse says she’s in school at 33, she is in class where you’re standing.

3] Your fantasies are public knowledge, which means that the women you meet have your number.

4] Line items are fine, but not particularly practical.

5] Imagine your world without money and then place that template over the women in your sights.