Why Testimonials and/or Memoirs are Inherently Hostile.

I get it.

Feelings are hurt.

People feel exposed, violated.

But memoirs are what they are…inherently hostile.

I’m referring to my latest book Urban Dystrophy [the book], now selling on Amazon.

In it I make the case that personal histories are all relative.

We live and love in our own shoes, including family members living under the same roof.

All of us are composite sketches, fragments of both nature and nurture, colliding in one gene pool.

Some family relationships are seamless, others a series of backfires over and over again.

How each of us turns out is always a crap shoot.

In Urban Dystrophy you’ll find a Preface that goes into some detail about my relationship with my late father.

Apparently, that one small section of the book is the very heart of bedlam, sacrosanct in the minds of some.

Once you read it you can’t help but notice that my father made a monumental impression on my life, both good and bad.

But in the minds of some, I should have stuck to the good and tossed the rest of it in the nearest trash bin where history is buried forever.

“Why air dirty laundry?”

“Why violate anyone else’s subjectivity?”

I certainly didn’t set out to hurt and/or exploit anyone involved for the sake of publicity, fame or money.

That’s not who I am.

Calling things as I see them, however, is.

I can’t please everyone, nor would I try.

But I do have to live with my decisions, which is not easy for anyone who scripts memoirs involving people other than themselves.

Here’s an interesting article on the subject:

http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/how-to-write-about-family-in-a-memoir

Sue William Silverman offers this advice: “I never allowed concerns to stand in the way of writing. I’ve always felt that as a writer of memoir, I own my truth and I am free to write about it.”

We can’t know how family members will react to the exposure of painful secrets or unspoken truths, but most memoirists would agree that you can’t predict what will happen, who will feel good or bad about the revelations in your work, and why. I thought one of my memoirs served as a sort of apology to someone, and that person is one of the people who couldn’t forgive me for writing it. I was terrified about how my mother would respond, and she’s been one of my greatest supporters. We can’t know, or control, what happens. The key, then, is to write. Just write, and prepare for potential responses, good or bad.

Well said.

No Road-Map for the Middle Aged Outlier

When you’re 20, everyone has an answer.

When you’re 3 times that, no one has the vaguest idea.

~~~

Generally speaking, life is like a TV show.

You start out with a murder, followed by an investigation, followed by a conclusion, where the bad guy is caught and justice is served.

For our purposes here, let’s focus our attention on the investigation, where we try and figure out which direction to turn in the absence of solid leads.

If you’re in that 55-64 demographic, you know exactly what I mean.

It’s a weird place [think Devil’s Crossroads] where the pavement hits the dirt and you’re on your own.

Every decision feels like a skate over thin ice because everything matters 10 times more than it did when youth was like a high-density shock absorber.

EXAMPLES

1] You can eat this, but probably not that.

2] You can exercise, but not so hard that you stroke out.

3] You may need a mini-aspirin every day for life insurance, but it may also give you bleeding ulcers.

4] You should probably take mountains of vitamins, but nobody has any idea whether or not it’s necessary with a disciplined diet.

But what constitutes a ‘disciplined diet’ when your body is constantly under assault from everything that came before?

~~~

When I have a physical, the doctor tells me I’m fine.

What he doesn’t tell me is that I am fine for my age.

He may intimate that my blood work looks like that of someone half my age, but this doesn’t give me license to act like it.

TRANSLATION: “Keep doing what you’re doing, and be happy you’re not facing hip and shoulder replacements, herniated discs or arthritis like most people your age…”

That’s a tough pill to swallow, but everything’s relative.

Almost everything I do I not supposed to be doing, but because it hasn’t killed me, I keep doing it.

With this in mind, here are 3 life tenets I live by.

They’ve helped guide me through thick and thin and I’m still here to tell the tale:

1] “To Thine Own Self Be True…”

Yea, Shakespeare got it right.

So did Aristotle…“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing.”

The first thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older is that burying things you feel strongly about is toxic.

You have to believe in yourself and be willing to place yourself in the line of fire for your convictions.

If no one ever did this, there would be little great art, music or literature, to name just three.

Life is not a popularity contest. It’s about standing for something, and not abandoning it when the blow-back begins.

This is what tests the meddle of a person’s life.

It elicits respect from all people who know that taking strong positions on anything is tough, particularly as a species that seeks safety and security above all else.

Tough decisions are the bane of every winner.

2] Athletics are not just for the young.

You think you’re too old to throw a Frisbee, swim 1000 yards in a pool, or perform a box jump?

If so, you probably are.

For everyone else, it’s open season.

Just because you’re no longer 20 doesn’t mean you can’t workout, and, in many cases, dust people half your age.

Life does not come with a manual that tell us what we can and can’t do at certain stages of life.

We do.

Going back to #1, if you don’t have the fire in your belly to take a stand for yourself, life will stand on top of you.

Take what your body will give you, and when it won’t give another inch, find another approach to the same challenge.

There are always work-a rounds.

If one joint is inflamed, find another way to perform an exercise that doesn’t hurt so that it can recover.

This is all academic. But so many older guys I know throw up the white flag.

The moment they do this, life takes twice its toll over the same course of time.

That’s also academic.

You get back what you put in.

3] Be good to the people close to you.

The people who stand by you are the ones you owe your life to.

They deserve your support and your love.

Going back to what I said about human beings seeking safety and security, just know that the entire world can be against you and those closest are enough to withstand the fire.

All we really need in life are people we can count on, who love us, and who have our backs when things get really tough.

Nurture those relationships and you’ll never lose a dime to nature even if it kills you.

~~~

I’ll leave you with this:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-the-need-for-approval-to-start-thriving/

14 Foods to Kick to the Curb [along with the tire around your waist]

Occasionally I run across a health-related article that’s both accurate and easy-to-read.

The following is from Men’s Fitness and covers the generalities without killing you with fine print.

The only problem is that you’ll have to sit through a ton of ads every 2 minutes to complete it, so I’ll save you the aggravation:

http://www.mensfitness.com/nutrition/what-to-eat/14-foods-to-kick-out-of-the-kitchen-forever

~~~

Most Boomers I know stopped eating most of the following foods because they are hypochondriacs like me, and therefore, spend an inordinate amount of time balancing health with destiny.

They read, they get annual physicals, and go to the gym regularly like other normal middle-aged people who live in large urban settings.

No wonder urbanites who occasionally visit a WalMart for a last minute gift for a 6-year-old post “people” pictures to Pinterest of creatures who could well be descendants of another species.

Okay, for the list:

1] White or “multi-grain” bread

When I was a kid growing up in New Orleans, french bread was a staple.

We’d toast it with butter and call it a meal.

Of course, were were kids and pretty much immune to anything we ate, unless the only thing we ate was crap, in which case we were also screwed.

These days, life is not as forgiving.

Everything we consume comes with ten times the impact.

For example, white bread contains zero while grains for cardiovascular protection, and spike blood sugar levels. [see white rice].

Leave it on the shelf or get a leather bound insulin container with your initials embossed on it.

2] Ready-to-eat breakfast cereal

“Healthy” is a term manufacturers use to sell products.

Understand that 4 grams of sugar on a label equates to 1 teaspoon of added sugar in reality.

It’s up to you to read.

3] Fat free pretsels

Pretzels are full of basically nothing, so consuming an entire bag in a single sitting is not uncommon.

Try 49 pistachios, instead.

They’re packed with nutrients, so eating 49 of them equates to half the bag of pretzels.

Of course, if you can limit yourself to a few pretzels, no harm no foul.

But good luck with that.

4] White rice

Stripped of nutrients, fiber and antioxidants, white rice does nothing but spike blood sugar and insulin, leading to fat storage.

There is no upside for white rice unless you’re about to perform wind sprints on an empty stomach.

5] Generic peanut butter

If it’s not absolutely, positively natural, there are usually trans fats in peanut butter.

Even if the label says ‘zero trans fats,’ if it’s fully hydrogenated, there can still be 0.5 grams of trans fats.

Try the natural alternative.

It’s more expensive, but far less expensive in long-term medical bills.

6] Trail mix

Who doesn’t grab a bag of trail mix before hitting the road or airways?

It looks like the healthiest snack on the planet.

It isn’t, particularly if it has chunks of chocolate and dried fruit, which are sky-high in sugar.

A better alternative is to make it yourself, and store it for your next outing.

7] Canned corn

What the hell is canned corn?

I remember eating it as a kid, but like I said, “as a kid.”

No sane adult eats canned corn because they know it has enough starch to choke a pig.

Try green beans if you have to eat something out of a can.

8] Plain pasta sauce in a jar

The great thing about canned pasta sauce is that it usually has lots of prostate-healthy lycopene.

But it also has enough salt to drive your blood pressure through the roof.

Marinara sauce is a better choice.

9] White pasta

Like anything else you est that’s white, it’s stripped of everything, including fiber and bran.

Try whole-wheat pasta, quinoa, black or brown rice and whole grain couscous.

10] Canned soup

Think 800 grams of sodium and this should put an end to the discussion.

Try a low-sodium alternative.

11] Traditional beef jerky

Pretty much any food product you buy in a convenience store is guaranteed to kill you prematurely.

It’s cheap, over-processed and bereft of any nutritional value.

Your best bet is to fork over the money and buy healthy beef jerky at 10 times the price, but 1000 times the nutritional benefits.

12] Cereal bars

A 4-oz cereal bar can contain up to 30g of sugar.

Try hearty bars with ingredients you can clearly see.

13] Powdered coffee creamer

If you use coffee creamer, I’m sorry.

What you’re putting into your body is empty calories, fat, sugar, and salt.

This is idiotic.

Just drink it black until you can locate some actual milk.

14] Movie theater-style popcorn

It’s full of trans fats and loaded with butter.

Try air-popped popcorn and enjoy a snack filled with a healthy dose of fiber.

~~~

Look, eating healthy is not that difficult, but it can be a pain in the ass for those of you not used to reading – or caring about – labels.

Just remember, life doesn’t care about you.

You have to care about you for life will pay you back.

Self-Acceptance the Antidote for Existential Annihilation.

Striped_bodysuit_for_Aladdin_Sane_tour_1973_

You can’t please everyone.

THE GOOD NEWS: Accept yourself for who you are and it won’t matter.

~~~

Children seek the approval of their parents, while adolescents seek the approval off their peers.

Down the road we all seek the approval of our employers and/or clients if we want to keep our jobs.

But what happens to adults who rely solely on parental approval?

Why do we care?

Because on a certain level, all of us want to feel secure, both physically and emotionally.

But external affirmation is a slippery slope, keeping us in a state of emotional vulnerability.

We never grow up.

We’re frozen in time and space where nothing changes.

Eventually, we morph into facsimiles of our parents. We become clones, if you will.

The person inside never climbs out from the shadows, and for all intents and purposes, they die.

Just another seamless line of wallpaper on an endless wall.

The greatest achievers of our time set out on missions to accomplish certain objectives that were important to them, not to anyone else.

This is particularly true of writers, musicians, actors, entertainers of all kinds, where parents looked upon their life choices with disdain.

The classic case is the parent who wants their kid to carry the torch for the family business, but he or she decides instead to pursue science, research…or the culinary arts?

If that child – and all others – were trapped in the cycle of “parental approval” humanity world would be bled white of its individuality.

Does anyone think that great art comes from a parents pat on the back?

Hardly.

That only happens after they’re successful, then they’re praised in exchange for a house in a better neighborhood.

All I can say for men my age who didn’t have the courage to be themselves is I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you’re depressed that life wasn’t the rose garden you imagined.

I’m sorry you have nothing to say for yourself other than you were an obedient son, an obedient adult.

Now you know why no one respects you, including you.

The true blessing of children is their individuality, which should be embraced above all else.

Of course, if they start killing the neighborhood cats, I might suggest boundaries that have nothing whatsoever to do with their interests.

For everyone else, gay or straight, painter or attorney, your life is yours to live as you see fit.

In the end, we’ll all be better off for it.

Godspeed.

Who I Was Supposed to Be.

There’s this man I know who is a few years older than myself, though our difference in age continues to shrink the older he gets, according to him.

We’re shared an acquaintance for the better part of 30 years, and nothing about him has changed – other than the fact that he has, in fact, aged.

He’s always flawlessly coiffed, handsome, charming, narcissistic, and bordering on what many clinicians under duress would describe as functional psychopath.

I assume he has the capacity to feel empathy, and I assume, remorse, but it’s controlled like everything else about him.

He has fathered many children by almost as many wives, who maintain friendships with him if only because they don’t know exactly what else to make of someone who appears to skim the surface of life without getting his shoes scuffed.

This is what cold-blooded and calculating looks like in men who use veneer as a weapon of mass destruction.

This is also the man my father wanted me to be because he was exactly like him.

~~~

Many of us grew up in the shadows of our WW2 fathers, men who held the horrors of the world in check.

They traded in their uniforms for suits of armor that kept them in lock-step with a rigid mentality necessary to maintain sanity in the midst of wholesale bloodshed.

Who were they…really?

Many of us have no idea. We just see the symbols, hear the stories, imagine the people they were as children.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if I just accepted everything I was told.

Some of us are just doomed to failure, I guess.

Radical Acceptance a Problem for Boomers [Like Me]

One of the four options you have for any problem is Radical Acceptance (Linehan, 1993). Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.

~~~

I have a personal trainer who pushes me hard. Really hard. Three days a week we train for an hour, followed by 30 minutes of “homework” [support exercises] I do on my own. If I were 25 this would be a slam-dunk. Add 3 decades to that and not so much.

The problem for me is that I still resist where I am.

Let me restate that: I resent where I am, and, therefore, I resist it.

Case in point: On Friday we were doing vertical box jumps. I say “we” because I like to grab a bunch of kids half my age to do things like this with me to gauge my abilities against people who should be able top smoke me, but often don’t. It kind of my way of figuring out where I am in the scheme of things, athletically. Anyway, I had just completed a 36” jump when they decided to raise the bard 4 inches. Okay, I thought to myself, no big deal. It’s only 4 inches. I can nail this.

Side note: Truly athletic Boomers in the range of 60 are virtually non-existent. The ones who are, “juice” [i.e., take steroids], which makes up for some of the lost time, but never enough of it. But I don’t “juice,” which means I’m working with what I was born with and carved out over time.

So, back to the box jumps.

Two 20-something athletes before me barely made the jumps, and feeling immortal [I assume], I decided it was time to set the record straight on misconceptions about older men.

I approached the box knowing that I had done several sets before it, without incident, in spite of the soreness in my hamstrings from the previous Wednesday’s leg workout. My knees weren’t tucking the way they should have, but screw it, I was going in.

I raised my hands above my head as I readied myself to force them down to my sides, propelling me upward, when I stopped.

Something wasn’t quite right. I had to get my head in this if I was going to clear the edge of the monolith in front of me.

So I took a few seconds to compose myself, breathe, and visualize the jump.

This time, I approached the box with more determination and focus, as an audience stood around to watch this eccentric older man battle reality with a vengeance.

Again, I approached the box, raised my hands, took a deep breath…and jumped.

On the way up I could feel my left hamstring tighten slightly and all hell broke loose. My right leg cleared the edge perfectly, but my left foot hit the side of the box, forcing my shin into the hard foam cover a block of wood, and forcing me forward. The entire box collapsed with me along with it. I rolled twice and then stood up like a champ with a growing hematoma [a solid swelling of clotted blood within the tissues] on my left leg the size of a grapefruit.

I received applause for the effort and follow-through, but came away with the realization that not only was I not 25, but that I was in over my head.

While I could still outperform most guys my age by a wide margin, the kids were blowing me away.

“Not in everything!” I told myself, because it was true.

But what I failed to consider was the fact that, with the proper training, many of them would leave me in the dust. I was simply better trained no matter what the age difference happened to be.

This is textbook denial.

While I do accept the fact that I am older, and thus, less able to accomplish the feats of athleticism I could decades ago, I still try, thinking that I will somehow conquer the odds and land on my feet, instead of the floor.

Some will argue that without the belief in oneself, nothing would ever be accomplished. But there is a difference between running a Fortune 500 company and doing a 40” box jump.

Yea, I like the irony in that, too.

~~~

Here is reality for me in a few bullet points. If I don’t practice radical acceptance on a daily basis, I’ll end up in a mental institution.

Here we go:

1] Age.

Unless you’ve been here, walking a planet for damn near 60 years is an existential nightmare.

You have to get past the fact that time is not a figment of your imagination, so no matter how much you deny it, it keeps marching with or without you.

2] Skin, teeth, hair and nails.

Suffice to say, just looking at a high school photograph of yourself next to a recent photo-op at a gala is enough to trigger a 911 call.

Get a grip. It happens to all of us, and no one likes it.

3] Energy, recovery and fitness.

You’re no longer a kid no matter how much testosterone pellets you have imbedded in your butt.

This means that your physical condition is subject to the passage of time – no matter what the quacks who prescribe the aforementioned testosterone tell you.

4] Your children are younger than you are.

This one is particularly difficult for many because, on a certain level, they feel like children themselves.

But radical acceptance teaches us that no matter how strong one’s delusions happen to be, reality doesn’t give a damn about fantasy – and in this context – neither do your kids.

5] Sex.

You may have noticed that your sex life is – let’s just say – different than it used to be.

There are workarounds, of course.

ED meds will soon be stacked next to aspirin bottles at CVS, and medical science has a quick fix for everything else.

But the intense desire to copulate like a wild animal is now a more subtle compulsion that encourages us to think before we act.

This is an adaptation that helps preserve wealth in the middle years when faltering egos are most susceptible to the exploits of gold diggers.

~~~

If you need more, fill them in for yourself.

I’m not that masochistic.

Harmful Drinking Patterns are Common in Affluent Older Adults

According to the online journal BMJ Open, “active, affluent people over age 50 in the U.K. appear to be at greater risk for harmful drinking behaviors than their less successful peers…”

http://psychcentral.com/news/2015/07/27/harmful-drinking-patterns-common-in-affluent-older-people/87360.html

The full extract here:

http://bmjopen.bmj.com/content/5/7/e007684.full?sid=989311e3-556b-4eb3-9c81-e705b3169fe6

“…a 10-year study of alcohol use transitions among men aged between 50 and 65 in the USA reported that the different trajectories of risk were associated with age, education, smoking, binge drinking, depression, pain and self-reported health.”

The defined risk of harmful drinking following the guidelines set out by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE).

NICE has defined the following levels of risk of harmful drinking:

Lower risk drinking: ≤21 units per week (adult men) or ≤14 units per week (adult women).

Increasing-risk drinking: 22≤50 units per week (adult men) or 15≤35 units per week (adult women).

Higher risk drinking: >50 alcohol units per week (adult men) or >35 units per week (adult women).

Note: One alcohol unit is measured as 10ml or 8g of pure alcohol. This equals one 25ml single measure of whiskey (ABV 40%), or a third of a pint of beer (ABV 5-6%) or half a standard (175ml) glass of red wine (ABV 12%).

~~~

1] Time

Most of the men I know drink more because they have more time to play.

They don’t have to get up every day at 4 am to work in the coal mines, or sit behind a desk and look alert at an office farm.

Time is at their disposal.

2] Money

The great thing ab0ut money is that you can buy a lot of things without thinking much about it.

Liquor comes to mind.

Add time to money and you have lots of exotic vacations where people drink at all hours of the day and night, including room service at 2 am.

3] Active Social Lives

Affluent older men attend galas, cocktail parties, and cultural events of all kinds where alcohol is served.

During the cultural season we could be talking about 4 or 5 events during the course of any given week.

4] Boredom

What the hell else are you going to do at night when you don’t have any particular time you have to go to bed?

A glass of wine or two over Law and Order sounds logical to me.

5] Depression

Existential pain is a bitch and one way to fight it is to drown your sorrows in another depressive.

It sells itself.

I could go on with this, but you get the picture.

Clear and Present Signs of Exercise Addiction in Older Men [and women]

I know a few older men [and women] who would rather die than miss a workout.

This is because missing a workout is worse than death.

http://breakingmuscle.com/sports-psychology/are-you-addicted-to-exercise-the-tell-tale-signs

~~~

There are quite a few exercise-addicted older men with whom I share a gym acquaintance.

It could be argued that I myself am an exercise addict to the extent that I train 6 days a week for 1 hour, sometimes 2, rather than 5 or 6!, which is not uncommon to many.

Most of the men in question are single – always single – principally because there is no room for anything – or anyone – else.

Even pets.

Exercise releases endorphins and the hormone Serotonin, which one tends to get used to – or addicted to – as the case may be.

Eventually the highs take over one’s life and everything else becomes meaningless.

Just ask anyone at AA what it feels like not to have drugs at their disposal.

~~~

John [not his real name] is 58 years of age and prides himself on his ability to run 5 miles before hitting the gym, where he performs hand stand push-ups and double-under jumping jacks to the amazement of everyone around him.

In this sense, he’s his own circus act.

His thin, muscular frame, and gymnastic abilities, earn him the respect and admiration of his peers, which is all he needs to side-step existential pain.

For a little while he can forget about his aging wife, his kids, his financial obligations.

In essence, he becomes someone else.

But eventually he has to go back to the “other” reality.

For some the transition is seamless.

For others, it’s like that classic Twilight Zone episode where the old woman lives through television re-runs of herself as a beautiful young actress, imagining that nothing has changed.

A married man with a family doesn’t have that luxury.

Now visualize a single man with time on his hands, and exercise addiction become a full-blown psychosis.

No wonder I see the same anorexics, bulimics and exercise addicts appear at my gym day after day, year after year; until one day they show up on crutches after a hip replacement – or just disappear altogether.

When people inquire as to their whereabouts, the refrain is always the same:

“They died doing what they loved.”

I guess one could say the same of heroin addicts.

Every addict has an excuse for dying, though they don’t couch it that way.

In the end, there is a razor thin line between exceptional fitness and clinical addiction.

ARE YOU AN EXERCISE ADDICT?

Seven factors are assessed and it’s something for you fitness junkies to consider:

Tolerance: Do you need more and more to achieve the same effects?

Withdrawal: Do you experience increased agitation, fatigue, and tension if you don’t exercise?

Intention Effect: Do you exercise for longer than intended on most trips to the gym?

Lack of Control: Do you have difficulty scaling back the duration and intensity of exercise?

TimeSpent: Do you spend huge amounts of time on fitness related activities?

Reduction of Other Pursuits: Is exercising too much affecting other parts of your life? (social, work, relationships)?

Continuance Despite Injury: Do you train even when you are injured?

Final Notes:

It’s been my experience that all exercise addicts my age would answer yes to all of the above.

Adding fuel to the fire, they “supplement” their fitness regimes with testosterone injections, HGH and anabolic steroids when the effects of aging begin to present.

This helps perpetuate the cycle long after nature fails them.

But longevity isn’t the name of the game in this world.

Escape is.

~~~

A few highlights from the article that all of us who have, at one time or another, crossed the line into exercise addiction know well:

1] We are often sick, injured or depressed.

2] We define our happiness by our bodies and level of fitness.

3] Our relationships suffer [or don’t exist at all]

4] We train like pros, but aren’t [so why?]

Training in proper measure is one of life’s most rewarding [and sensible] choices.

It’s not easy, and it does require major adjustments in lifestyle habits, but it must be balanced against everything else in life.

From personal experience, I can attest to the fact that if you don’t keep an eye on BALANCE, your life will get smaller and smaller and smaller until it’s just you and a bunch of codependent addicts enabling the cycle of addiction as the world passes you by.

Then again, if you can afford to run down the clock without having to worry about friends, family, spouses [or even a dog], we’ll all just do what we always do, which is use you as examples of what exercise addiction looks like, and why therapy is a better alternative.

The Truth About Online Dating at Middle Age

If you think delusion was rampant among adolescents, try this!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-martin/online-dating-profile_b_7524482.html

I talk to older men all the time about their online dating exploits and its never pretty, mostly because the women in question bear no resemblance to the ones in the profiles.

As for older women, they seem to have a better time of it – at least in the short run – because while the men are generally polite and attentive, they tend to disappear after the check’s signed.

So what’s up?

As I enumerate, ad nausea, in my new book, Urban Dystrophy [Amazon], expectations always supersede reality.

The article cites a pet peeves of men, the usual suspects:

1] Too many pets.

2] Photoshopped images.

3] Looking for perfection.

4] Claim to be athletic, but aren’t.

5] Presenting boudoir shots while demanding respect.

6] Complaining about men.

~~~

Let’s break this down:

1] Many women acquire pets when men fail to live up to their expectations.

After enough defeated expectations, many women turn to animals and call it a family.

I’ve dated a few of these, and believe me when I tell you, it’s a nightmare for any man. Not only does he have to deal one manifestation of her PTSD, but he’s also dealing with her “kids.”

So why does she want a man when she already has animals?

2] Photoshopping is a pandemic not unlike the black plague, but with a higher emotional kill rate.

Women Photoshop-to-death virtually every image they post of themselves after the age of 40.

By the time they hit 45, their skin looks like Barbie’s molded rubber face.

Men know all about this, which is why they should demand a driver’s license number and birth certificate.

Women set themselves up for disaster knowing full well that men see with their eyes first before they consider anything else, including everything else.

3] Prince Charming does not exist at this juncture in life.

Now you’re balancing commodities, one against another. If the plus column is bigger than the minus column, consider yourself lucky.

I know it sounds weird, but most men had lives before they met you.

Now they have mortgages, therapy bills and a bipolar ex or two lurking just around the corner.

No matter what they look like, just know that what you see is rarely what you get.

On a final note, they have the same expectations in their heads and are ten times more likely to pay for what they can find on the Internet.

4] “Athletic and toned” is the buzz-phrase for every woman who wants a man, any man.

Here’s a quote on this topic from my new book:

“…a woman who runs five miles a day may think she’s in great shape, in spite of the fact that she doesn’t have great shape. Athletic accomplishments don’t balance emaciation, stretch marks, and sun damage no matter how you spin it.”

I always suggest to women that they ignore what men tell them about how perfect their bodies are, and instead, focus their attention on whether or not the phone rings after the first date.

5] Boudoir shots against a backdrop of “I want a serious relationship” are a contradiction in strategy.

Men see half naked shots as an open invitation to exploit what appears to be an Internet sex addiction, not meet a woman who’s open-minded in the bedroom.

Keep in mind that shots posted on the internet are, in fact, on the internet! Not in a scrapbook! Does any man with a reputation to uphold want those shots of you all over cyberspace?

6] Bitching about men is like telling everyone your best days are behind you.

We’ve all had bad break-ups, crappy dates, defeated expectations.

But any kid will tell you that the one thing that reveals a person’s age more than anything else is the constant bitching.

Young people don’t bitch because they’re young. Old people do bitch because they’re old.

Got it?

Bottom line, nobody wants to inherit your toxic waste anymore than they want to care for your parakeets.

SUMMARY

Older men already know that older women who post online profiles are probably in deep water.

When a woman is in her early 30’s its fine because many are steeped in their careers and have little time to meet and mingle.

But once a woman hits her mid 40’s, think of it as a suspect line-up.

This is why the best policy for older women trawling the internet for dates is as follows:

1] State your age [fudging 1 or 2 years is fine. 10 should constitute a class-1 felony.

2] State your education, including degrees from online institutions.

3] State any clinical diagnosis, including personality disorders.

4] State the number of marriages that have failed.

5] State the number of children you have, and don’t state that they’re the “love of your life” or the guy will run away from what he perceives to be an already established family.

6] State your financial situation [i.e., I’m broke and looking for a job, or I’m currently unemployed].

What an older man wants to hear from an older woman is something along the lines of “I have my own business and don’t need you to pay my mortgage.”

7] If you are fit as you state, he’ll see it in your photos. So make sure they are close-up…and crystal clear.

If you attempt to overly indulge in Photoshop, he’ll see that too.

8] Many women state very specific age preferences, which is about as ludicrous as it sounds, given the fact that what they have to barter is less than what most successful older men have to tolerate.

Of course, if you’re Madonna, you can find a gold-digger who’ll love you for who you are.

Get real.

We all have to after a certain point.

Two-Marriage Rule the “Natural” Course Among a Certain Demographic

Today’s testimonial is going to infuriate a lot of people, but what I’m about to tell you is the absolute truth.

In my world, it is commonplace for young men to marry and procreate with their college sweethearts, before divorcing them once the kids are grown, money’s in the bank, and younger women are coming out of the woodwork.

This is where the Two-Marriage Rule comes into play.

~~~

When a man reaches a certain age – and level of achievement – he expects payback.

The translation of “payback” goes something like this:

Scenario One:

“I’ve done it all: Married out of college, had kids, made money…and now what? My kids are gone, I’m semi-retired and what I’m sleeping next to looks nothing like the woman I married. But I don’t want to leave my wife because I still love her, in spite of the fact that I’m not exactly thrilled about the sex. She’s also beginning to make me feel old and irrelevant. What I need is a mistress in order to keep my marriage in tact. Then I’ll have everything.”

Scenario Two:

“I’m leaving my wife for a beautiful young woman I met at an art opening, who makes me feel the way I did when I met my current wife back at Georgetown.”

~~~

In both scenarios, the theme is the same: The man wants what he once had in order to feel the way he once felt.

Neither scenario is exclusive to men, by the way.

Women often have affairs because their own physical and emotional needs are not being met, which brings me to the question of why is everyone so damn bored?

~~~

From the perspective of older men, the reasons are academic:

1] An age-appropriate wife of 50-something is not the same as an age-appropriate wife of 20-something.

In the former, the man begins to visualize tombstones.

In the former, he gets a new lease on life with 1000 times the cash.

From the perspective of older women, the reasons are more complex:

1] While age-appropriate mates in their 50’s don’t trigger existential meltdowns the way they do in men, they do trigger boredom when men begin to take their wives for granted.

SOLUTION

The Two-Marriage Rule

For men who marry and procreate out of college, there should be an agreement between the couple that after 25 or 30 years together, the marriage is null and void.

The couple can then decide to either renew it or walk away without financial consequence, enabling the man to live with a younger woman in relative comfort for the balance of his life [and vice-verse].

SUMMARY

Life kinda’ sucks where marriage is concerned.

No one can be everything to everyone all the time, particularly after enough of it has passed.

People get bored, and because most of us are entitled, we expect more.

On the other hand, there are couples who are willing to age gracefully, allowing time to exact its pound of flesh without a fight.

Their expectations are more balanced, and their lives a linear trajectory that reads like a novel – beginning, middle…end.

Of course, I don’t personally know any of these people, but I’m told they exist.

FINAL NOTE

While older men derive vitality from beautiful young women, older women experience precisely the opposite in the company of young men.

However, women are far better at acceptance, which they encourage in one another through their uncanny ability to bond with other women.

If men were better at this both genders would experience the same longevity, with a slight advantage to men who find young women who aren’t gold-diggers.

I’ll leave you with this article from the Telegraph:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/relationships/10980731/What-do-young-women-see-in-much-older-men.html

December 2024
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