Excerpt from Urban Dystrophy [the book] on what Midlife Crisis Looks Like from the Inside

“I’m sitting at a white plastic table in front of a wine bar. It’s one o’clock on a Tuesday morning and an empty parking lot is the only landscape.

The streets are deserted.

Most guys my age are asleep. Their time came and went, and they let go in that unconscious way most men do when their stories have been told and the end is a long, drawn-out epitaph.

But, I stayed behind, along with the rest of the itinerants of the night.

I have no place to go that I haven’t already been, and nothing to do but wait and hope and sometimes pray for mercy that relevance and that one big love will one day redeem me, but it never does. Not really.

We’re beyond salvation. Most of us.

There have been exceptions, but the grace is never a hundred percent and you have to make peace with that the best you can.

We’re members of the bitten, the damned, the fighters against the forces of time until we no longer can.

Most of us are children of narcissists, narcissists who never died because narcissists never do—they’re just recycled and the kids are left to clean up the mess.

I wonder where all the time went. Time is all I have left to make a final stand.

I remember my first midlife crisis at 28. The rest is a blur.”

~~~

The “buzzword” for most men I know is relevance.

To my late father, it meant carrying a business card with his name on it next to “Chairman and CEO.”

This gave him relevance no matter what else happened to be going on in his life.

Symbols like these are the quintessential calling cards that legitimize driven, proud men.

It’s otherwise known as a good “back story” every man needs to get the right party invitations.

I inherited this “gene,” if you will, and continue to struggle with what it means to feel a viable part of a world I’ve already traversed a thousand times.

Aging rockers continue to tour long after the songs have been written and the money’s in the bank. They don’t know what else to do with themselves, and more importantly, the limelight is better than no light at all.

Movie producers keep producing movies because they want to feel like they have more stories to tell, that there’s still juice in the tank…that they’re still viable.

I even heard a guy in Aspen say that no matter how much money he had to throw around during ski season, he still felt invisible:

“Hell, $200 mil is a drop in the bucket for a lot of these people. I can’t win.”

What he was saying was that he felt invisible in a world where money and power and influence and connections are the sole determinants of human value.

Sadly, for many men this is the fuel that keeps the soul alive.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t exclude myself from any of this.

Why are Middle-Aged Men Committing Suicide in Record Numbers?

In 2013, 78 per cent of the 6,233 suicides registered in the UK were men. That’s a rate of 19 deaths per 100,000 population.

That more men take their own lives than women is not new. But in 1981 the men’s total was only about double, or just under, the women’s.

Now it’s nearly four times as many.

Since 2007, in fact, baby boomers have had the highest rate of suicide of any age group in the United States.

Historically, people between the ages of 40 and 64 have had one of the lowest rates.

To complicate matters, baby boomers are now sliding into the over-65 demographic, an age group that historically has had one of the highest suicide rates.

Making matters worse, suicides among middle-aged men with mental health issues have soared by 73% since 2006, which may be attributed to a combination of alcohol, job loss and debt, as compiled by the University of Manchester’s National Confidential Inquiry into Suicide and Homicide by People with Mental Illness.

Oh boy. Want more?

“Our findings show that within mental health care, middle-aged men are particularly at risk,” said Prof Louis Appleby, the director of NCISH who was formerly the government’s mental health tsar and leads the national suicide prevention strategy. “The problem is not simply that they don’t seek help – they are already under mental health care – so we have to understand better the stresses men in this age group face.”

How about this?

More men in the UK have died by suicide in the past year than all British soldiers fighting in all wars since 1945.

I’m neither a Sociologist or Psychiatrist. In fact, my only authority in this area is interpersonal exchange and an open heart, for which I have earned several Doctoral Degrees.

Men my age and socioeconomic niche are, generally speaking, over-achievers. They made their “piles” working hard, passionately over many years.

Many have been married and divorced a few times over.

The majority have children somewhere.

Now they’re smack in the middle of the Baby Boom generation, with nowhere to go and nothing to do that they haven’t already been done a thousand times before.

Only this time around, they’re older – a lot older – with far less time to enjoy life the way they did when the journey started.

It’s a small window of opportunity in which to reinvent oneself before everything becomes a hobble along a windswept beach on the edge of oblivion.

With this as a backdrop, here are my 5 top reasons middle-aged men off themselves:

1] Loneliness

Heterosexual men in mid-life are dependent primarily on female partners for emotional support.

One reason for this is that they’ve never explored anything beyond sports stats with their “friends.”

Women, on the other hand, maintain their independent relationships throughout life – divorce notwithstanding – which is one reason they outlive us.

To wit, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and two times higher among separated men compared to married.

This is the quintessential dichotomy about men: While we love sex, we love relationships more.

2]Reluctance to seek help

Professor Shirley Reynolds, from Reading University, said one of the reasons for the rise in suicides is the fact only around ’15 per cent of men with depression and anxiety seek help’.

Most men my age practice intimacy-avoidance. They’d rather swallow a pack of Gillette straight razors than open up about clinical depression.

For one thing, depression is not manly. Men don’t suffer depression unless it’s tied to warfare, in which case it’s called PTSD, an acceptable acronym.

Anything else is an indication that you’re either gay and in denial, or didn’t get into enough fistfights when you were a kid.

In either case, you’re screwed in the eyes of middle-aged frat boys who are themselves gay, and in denial.

3] Money

Okay, I know a few people who put bullets in their heads when the market crashed in 2008.

Not having any money after have a shit-ton of it sucks more than just about anything else, excluding colon cancer, which is a close second.

You lose your house, your cars, your vacations…and usually, your wife.

So now you have nothing at age “60” and have no interest in starting over at Dairy Queen.

I get it. Use the gun. 30 years mopping floors or flipping burgers just isn’t worth it.

Plus you’ll never get laid again as long as you do happen to live.

4] Feminism

Many men bought into the notion that marrying super-achiever women – the ones who handle all of the traditionally male responsibilities – was a novel idea…until the women in question left them for real men who could buy and sell them a thousand times, which earned their respect.

It’s been my experience that women want men to be men in the traditional sense no matter what they say to the contrary. I’m not talking about some archaic master-servant relationship, but one where the man is clearly the head of the household everyone look up to.

But these days older men are caught in a cross-fire of conflicting expectations about what it means to be a man. This usually means that when things go South, they don’t have the coping skills to handle the downward spiral.

The bottom line here is that men should take care of themselves first – and everyone else – second.

5] Irrelevance

Okay, so your career is winding down, the kids are out of the house, and your ex-wife is a colossal bitch. What the hell are you going to do with yourself? You already proved to the world that you could become CEO of some star-up and make a pile of money.

Now what?

That job is done, but when people ask you what the hell you’re doing with yourself, you have nothing to say. This means you’re only as good as your last performance – which, by the way, was 10 years ago. Not good. Very bad, in fact. Particularly at society cocktail functions.

Men are inextricably tied to what they do professionally, so if you’re not doing what you were once doing, then what the hell are you doing?

Men need an answer.

If they don’t have one, they dwell on what to say to people.

This often leads to introspection, as in the meaning of life kind of crap and then hookers, drugs and a shotgun blast to silence the noise.

Believe me, older men need a good back story to survive. Otherwise, the only thing anyone will be interested in is conning them out of whatever money they happen to have left over from their glory days.

SUMMARY

Getting older sucks. The best you can hope for is money in the bank, good health, and a competent psychiatrist.

Note that money was the first on my list of must-haves because without it you’re probably better off dead.

How else are you going to afford the psychiatrist?

~~~

For more information, here’s a good article on depression in older men:

http://www.fiftyisthenewfifty.com/mid-life-crisis-depression-or-both/

How Much Boomers [REALLY] Need to Ditch Their Day Jobs and Follow Their Dreams?

Table #1

Starting out this discussion with lifespan projections is already a bummer, but don’t worry. It gets worse.

Table #2

If you’re a Baby Boomer [51-68 yrs of age] making 300k/yr, a 60-year-old will need approximately 11.7 times that amount properly invested in order to realize the same income – and that’s assuming market conditions are stable. They’re not.

So let’s get real.

As I state in my book, “Urban Dystrophy,” on Amazon, a starter portfolio starts at around $5,000,000.

The reason I say this is because most guys I know like to do things like date beautiful women [or men], travel, dine out, and buy cool shit – all of which cost money. Lots of it.

None of this is a problem if your day job is bringing in 300k and your retirement money is – for the most part – rolled back into your portfolio.

But what if there is no day job and you’re living off of passive income alone [investments]?

Now the numbers have to change drastically, because in order to earn 300k on a 3.5 mil portfolio, you’ll have to be either an investment genius or selling crack on the side.

In my world [i.e., urban, educated, worldly, sophisticated – probably entitled], you’ll need approximately $7.5 mil to live a very nice – but not extravagant – lifestyle without having to worry about spending it all.

~~~

$7.5 million dollars is a lot of money.

Most guys making $600k/year for 25 years don’t have anywhere close to that amount invested.

Hell, most guys making a 1 million a year for 25 years don’t have that amount in savings.

How is this possible?

Easy.

On a 1 million dollar a year salary, you walk home with approximately $600k, or $50k/month, net-net.

If you own a $2 million dollar home, which is considered normal in these circles, you’re paying $50-$60k in annual property taxes alone on a 30-year house note of $1.5 million [after a 500k down payment], which lands you in the $10k/month range – excluding everything that goes into running a house, like utilities, repairs, and so on.

Add a second home somewhere in the mountains [a small place], a wife, two kids in private schools, and a couple of exotic vacations a year and you have about 150k left to invest, if you’re disciplined.

At the end of 25 years, you will have saved approximately $3,750,000 plus whatever your portfolio has generated over that time period, which most people place at about 8% /year [on good years].

Weird, huh?

And you thought everyone had at least $20 mil in the bank.

~~~

With $7.5 million well invested, you can comfortably take out 500k/yr, enough to live a great life without worries.

This doesn’t mean you can run out an buy yachts, travel in private jets, or buy a big place in Aspen.

But you can own a $2 mil home, put two cars in the driveway, shop at Whole Foods, and stay in 5-star hotel properties suites accompanied by reasonably well-equipped gold-diggers who might also love you for who you are, though most gold-diggers with the capacity to feel actual human emotions usually start in the $10 mil range.

Majority of Boomers are Positive About Their Generational Label

Many millennials don’t even want to be identified as such, with 60 per cent not considering themselves to be part of the ‘millennial generation.’ Instead, 33 per cent say they are part of Generation X~~~

Millennials attribute negative traits to their generation and the Silent Generation and Boomers see themselves in a positive right, describing their generation as patriotic, responsible, hard-working and moral.

Generational identity was strongest among the baby boomers, with 79 per cent of those within the applicable age group identifying with the ‘baby-boom’ generation.

Around 30 per cent of Generation Xers – those ages 35-50 – said their own generation was self-absorbed and wasteful, and 20 per cent of the baby boomers said the same about their age cohort.

Source:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-3221560/Millennials-self-absorbed-wasteful.html

A few more facts about Baby Boomers:

The last of the baby boomers turned 50 in 2014 – there were 77 million people born between 1946 and 1964, which is defined as the baby boomer era (U.S. Census).
The 2010 Census shows the senior age group is, for the first time, the largest in terms of size and percent of the population in the U.S. Ove the next 30 years, the 65+ population will be larger than the younger generations.
The 50+ population has $2.4 trillion in annual income, which accounts for 42% of all after-tax income in the U.S. (Consumer Expenditure Survey).
Boomers and seniors have seen a decrease in their median family net worth, however they still have a net worth 3x that of younger generations (Economic Policy Institute).
Every year, the U.S. Consumer Expenditure Survey shows adults 55-64 outspend the average consumer in nearly every category, from food, household furnishing, entertainment, personal care, gifts, etc.
Baby boomers account for nearly $230 billion, or 55% of consumer packaged goods sales (Nielsen).
The NAHB predicts that the aging in place remodeling market to be $20-$25 billion. That’s about 10% of the $214 billion home improvement industry.
Boomers spend $157 billion on trips every year (NextAvenue).
Americans 50+ account for half of all consumer spending but are targeted by just 10% of marketing (AARP).
The Internet is the most important source of information for Boomers when they make major purchasing decisions (Zoomerang).
Boomers outspend younger adults online 2:1 on a per-capita basis (Forrester, 2009).

“Isn’t It Time You Older Guys Start Winding It Down?”

No.

How many times have I heard this from spouses who feel left behind by men who’ve decided to make the most of middle-age?

“Why are you spending so much time in the gym?”

“You had your youth. Let go!”

“Acceptance is the key to happiness!”

“You’re no longer a child!”

Grow up!”

I could go on and on with this bullshit… [and I will].

~~~

Based on a true story, the following dialog takes place between a friend of mine and a woman who’s middle-aged husband is either in the gym, meal-prepping and/or planning adventure vacations that involve rock climbing, mountain hikes, kayaking, swimming and yoga.

While all this sounds great, it isn’t as much so for a woman who thought she married a very different man who would embrace the last few decades of his life with more circumspection.

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“I don’t know what’s happened to my husband. He used to be such a normal man.

Now all he does is workout and prepare his meals at home, as if a little bread’s going to hurt him.

Why is he doing this? He’s almost 60!

Look at me! I’m not 25 anymore. And I’m okay with that.

Why isn’t he?

And those ridiculous handstand push-ups he does all the time are for kids, not full grown men.

It’s embarrassing!”

FRIEND TO SPOUSE:

“Maybe he just wants to stay fit and healthy so he can do all the things he did when he was younger.

What’s wrong with that?”

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“What’s wrong with that is that we aren’t young anymore.

I think he’s having some sort of midlife breakdown, thinking he can go back to where he was, instead of accepting where he is!”

FRIEND TO SPOUSE:

“Maybe you’re just feeling left out, or about to be left behind. His priorities have changed. He wants to live a healthy lifestyle, and now you’re feeling pressure to do the same thing.

Maybe you think he’s going to leave you, or have an affair?”

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“Listen to me you idiot! He needs to grow up and accept the fact that there’s a time and place for everything in life.

He should be doing more reflecting than pumping weights!

Stop and smell the roses. Ponder his image in quiet lakes, skim rocks across the water, and reflect.

We should be walking hand-in-hand along the banks of lagoon, deep in spiritual contemplation, connected to the earth as we prepare for death in a positive, healthy way…”

FRIEND TO SPOUSE

“And you think he’s insane?”

What a Age-Appropriate Couple Looks Like These Days

Personalities notwithstanding, Alec Baldwin, 57 and Hilaria Baldwin, 31 make a handsome couple.

Get used to the fact that a 20-year age gap is no longer a news item.

Soon it’ll be 30.

And eventually, even mine will be considered normal 😉

The Case for Dating Men in Their “60’s”

It’s not uncommon to see successful 58-62-year-old urban men dating and/or marrying women in their mid to late 30’s.

By standards that have evolved over the past decade, 37 and 60 are considered age-appropriate.

It’s a simple formula: 1/2 one’s age plus 7.

Of course, it could also be 1/2 one’s age minus 7, and still meet normal parameters.

In either case, the women are hardly 17 for God’s sake.

With this as a backdrop, I have posted a link to an Elle Magazine article I think you’ll find interesting.

I’ll follow it’s bullet points with comments of my own based upon real life urban experience.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/advice/a9/dating-men-in-their-sixties/

“Old men are polite and thoughtful and young guys are generally self-centered.” Megan Megan O’Brien, founder of the marketing agency Beauty Brander, almost exclusively dates men in their sixties and older.

Her reasons?

1] I like a man’s man.

The synopsis: “To a man in his 60’s it’s the norm to treat a woman like a LADY.”

COMMENTS

Older men I know are far more appreciative of the young women in their lives because they know that authentic love is no longer a disposable asset.

2] They don’t play games.

The synopsis: “The bullshit factor dramatically declines as the years of their age rise.”

COMMENTS

Time becomes a far more valuable commodity when it becomes more scarce, forcing demand through the roof. Therefore, “sealing the deal” with a younger woman becomes a far more likely outcome.

3] They are more thoughtful.

The synopsis: “Leaving love notes in your purse for you to find later is another common trait of a more mature man…..just because.”

COMMENTS

To older men, younger women are kind of like time capsules that transport us back to a time when life was more spontaneous and carefree. Younger men have precisely the opposite effect on older women for obvious reasons.

4] They have their shit together.

COMMENTS

The synopsis: “He’s spending more time and attention on your relationship [than at the office].”

COMMENTS

He doesn’t have to spend as much time at the office [see#4]. Most men in this situation work from a laptop and a cellphone for a few hours and call it a day.

5] He will be proud to be with you.

The synopsis: “Most guys in their thirties think they’re doing YOU a favor by holding your hand and saying that you look beautiful.”

COMMENTS

When you’re young, youth and beauty are boundless resources, so you take them for granted.

But older men have already been laid more times than they can possibly count, so they focus on other aspects of the relationship.

This, of course, will then lead to even more sex – only this time with someone who’s name they remember.

~~~

Does “Low T” Cause Depression [or is aging a nightmare no matter how you look at it?]

Testosterone is the male sex hormone responsible for the development of many ‘masculine’ traits.

It encourages fat loss and muscle development, as well as sex drive, aggression, and energy levels.

In other words, the more testosterone, the more “Alpha.”

“Low T” has the opposite effect: Use your imagination. It’s bad.

Numerous health problems, including depression are heavily linked.

~~~

However, the relationship between depression and testosterone is very confusing because they are very similar.

If your “T” levels are low you’ll will suffer low energy, zero sex drive, crappy mood, endless irritability and difficulty sleeping – all of which characterize depression.

Some guys I know attack the problem with hormone replacement therapy.

In fact, most do…with varying degrees of success.

It cheaper than psychotherapy, and with faster results.

Nonetheless, “Low T” is not always the cause of depression, though it might be responsible.

For men who aren’t depressed and have lots of time and money on their hands, increasing testosterone might be an effective way to boost mood to even higher levels, improving drive, libido and motivation.

There’s always a higher high, after all.

But like other indulgences, it can become a one way street.

In other words, once you start, there’s no going back because eventually, the body stops producing it, not that you give a crap.

Most older men don’t care about anything but now, because there isn’t anything else.

Oh God, am I depressed?

~~~

CLEARING UP THE CONFUSION

If you’re depressed but don’t know why, you might start by asking yourself why someone with so much feels like he has so little?

This is a therapy question, by the way.

On the other hand, if you also have difficulty gaining muscle, losing fat, keeping your blood pressure in check, or losing your ‘morning glory,’ “Low T” may be the culprit.

Three other factors may play a role in depression:

1] Vegetarian diets low in protein.

2] Dark offices low in sunlight.

3] Physical inactivity.

~~~

Okay, so let’s say you aren’t a fan of hormone replacement therapy, and want a natural way to achieve similar results.

Exercise – Compound movements, like squats and bench press, and HIIT (high intensity interval training).

Sleep – This is where your testosterone is produced and why rest and recovery are so important. Make sleep a priority in your life. Keep your room dark and cool, and avoid caffeine before bed.

Vitamin D – Vitamin D is responsible for helping your body to regulate numerous other hormonal processes. The easiest way to get it is sunlight. If there is no sunlight where you live – or you’re stuck in an office for 12 hours a day – supplement. It’s no surprise that all those existentialists came from countries bereft of sunlight.

Magnesium and Zinc – Magnesium and zinc support healthy testosterone production and prevent testosterone from being converted into zinc. You can Google it.

Saturated Fat – As shocking as this may sound, the most important ingredient in terms of your diet is saturated fat. It’s no longer believed to cause heart problems, but it will increase your levels of good ‘HDL’ cholesterol, which also happens to be what your body uses to make testosterone and other sex hormones. Try a glass or two of full fat milk if your stomach can handle it. It might improve your mood.

Protein – Protein is the building block of muscle. Now you know why vegetarians look like crap. Protein produces anabolic hormones [like testosterone] that encourage muscle growth, among other benefits.

ONE VARIANT

Avoid Plastic – Random, perhaps, research on ‘xenoestrogens’ isn’t pretty. These are substances act like estrogen in the body and significantly lower testosterone.

Along with our more sedentary and indoor lifestyles, this is thought to be one of the big reasons that men today have lower testosterone on average.

To avoid xenoestrogens, don’t eat out of plastic containers, and definitely don’t microwave anything in plastic.

ON A FINAL NOTE

The Stones famously lamented “it’s a drag getting old,” and it’s no surprise that Baby Boomer do struggle with aging more than the generation preceding it.

Boomers — those born between 1946 and 1964 — are the generation most likely to report being in treatment for depression, at 14 percent, according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index. That compares to 11 percent among Generation X (born 1965-1979), “traditionalists” born before 1945, and Millennials (born 1980-1996).

This makes complete sense to me because Traditionalists lived their lives in throes of World Wars and Millennials aren’t old enough to feel their age.

Note: Baby Boomers are more likely to have been diagnosed with depression (21 percent) than any other generation (Gen X: 18 percent, Millennials: 16 percent, traditionalists: 15 percent).

This aside, Boomers are also more open to discussing their mental health issues than older Americans who refused to admit to having any psychiatric problems at all – a key reason Boomers need therapy in the first place.

Why Older Men Tend to “Go It Alone”

When I was a kid, my guy friends were everywhere, though I’m not sure “friends” back then had much in common with friends of today.

As I’ve gotten older, I notice that friendships are something I have to pursue and nurture or they will fall off the face of the planet.

To wit, I received a phone call from a guy I know fairly well who was dismayed that after an 8-month hiatus from town, no one bothered to check in on him.

I got it.

Older men tend to fall away into their own lives like Mad Max in a desert with a dog and a shotgun.

We don’t bond well…or at all.

Why is this?

The following article sets up this discussion pretty well, and I will follow up with comments and a summary.

http://www.salon.com/2013/12/08/american_mens_hidden_crisis_they_need_more_friends/

~~~

5 reasons why older successful men I know don’t have close friendships with other men:

1] Men are viciously competitive

As I state in my new book, Urban Dystrophy [@Amazon], “older men are fully assembled entities, no longer young men of endless promise,” and therefore, disparities in life achievement can – and do – drive a wedge between relationships.

In my own life, I still feel tremendous competitiveness from my close friends, particularly those in similar lines of work.

If, however, we’re both equally successful [or close enough], we cheer lead each other.

The truth is I have yet to meet a man who applauds the success of another when his career is in the toilet. It just doesn’t happen.

Both must be on top in order to maintain balance…and applause.

This is why men who tout their success on social media often get likes from everyone but their “closest friends.”

2] Intimacy avoidance

If an older man’s greatest fear is loss of control, the last thing he wants to do is talk about his issues with his mother.

This is why men can spend 5 hours on a golf course and recall nothing more than sports statistics.

In this sense, Freud’s “Madonna-Whore” model is just as applicable to male-male friendships as it is to men and their wives.

If the guy’s too damn close, he’s cast aside.

If he’s too distant, it’s time for a fishing trip and 3 strippers.

3] Too many demands on our time

With all of the demands on our time, why attempt a communication campaign with other men when we have no idea how to do it?

Most guys I know are always busy with something, even if it’s nothing at all, which is why it’s never a good idea to cross examine them on this.

This is defense mechanism, of course, designed to maintain mystery – and distance.

Again, we’re back to competitiveness.

TYPICAL MALE-MALE INTERRACTION

Mike:

“Hey, Tom, how’s everything?”

Tom:

“It’s all good. How about you?”

Mike:

“The same. How are the wife and kids?”

Tom:

“They’re all good. Back to school after our vacation in Aspen.”

Mike:

“That’s great. We’ll all be up there in December.”

Tom:

“No place like it. Great catching up with you!”

Mike:

Yea, you too. Take care.”

~~~

So that’s it, a full-on man conversation. They both keep the narrative short and sweet, while conveying certain key points:

a] We’re both happily married, highly successful [think Ritz-Carlton, Aspen], and run in similar circles [think Aspen…again].

Slam-dunk. Now we can applaud each other.

No wonder women outlive us.

5 Physical Signs You’re an “Old Man” [at any age]

GENERALITIES

1] Rigidity and trembling of head

2] forward tilt of trunk

3] reduced arm swinging

4] shuffling gait with short steps

4] rigidity and trembling of extremities

Many men are literally falling apart by age 50, and it’s a Double Black Diamond downhill from there.

Everything hurts because everything is weak, particularly self-esteem.

Low self-esteem is then reinforced when people look right through them as though they don’t exist, because in a certain sense, they don’t.

With this in mind, here are 5 MORE SPECIFIC warning signs to look for – and avoid – if you don’t want to avoid stereotype:

SPECIFICS

1] man boobs [Moobs]

2] the “dad butt”

3] pregnant midsection

4] hanging flesh

5] pencil legs

The following link addresses the topic of posture:

https://www.painscience.com/articles/posture.php

~~~

SIDE NOTES

What interesting to me is how many women claim to support a “softer you.”

Of course, this comes from middle -aged matrons in average to poor physical shape, who don’t want the men in their lives to turn the backs on them to moment they do get in shape.

It’s an insecurity tactic that also doubles as a hedge against them having to hit the gym next to 20-something athletes.

People are always balancing their assets to achieve safety and security no matter what it ends up looking like.

~~~

Men my age are particularly concerned with the “SPECIFICS” column, because once they remedy these problems, everything in the first column disappears.

1] man boobs

As men age, they tend to lose testosterone and gain weight. Lower testosterone can lead to enlargement of glands in the breasts. Extra weight adds fatty tissue under the breasts. That can leave a man with bigger glandular tissue and more fat in his breasts. Fat cells make small amounts of estrogen, which can further enlarge men’s breasts.

HOW TO FIX THE PROBLEM

1] Lose Fat

2] Build muscle

3] Fix your posture

4] Exercise regularly

…and if all else fails, have a breast reduction. It’s called “gynecomastia” and it’s about a 90-minute outpatient procedure.

Final note: Get rid of those long, wiry hairs sprouting out randomly around the nipples. You can opt for laser hair removal available on every street corner in cities like Houston, or you can but a pair of tweezers at CVS.

“Boobilicious”

2] the dad butt

There is so much wrong with this condition I don’t even know where to start.

Suffice to say, when you get older and your butt starts looking like a hole in a 2 x 4, it’s time to start squatting.

Flat butts should be classified as a class-3 felony [at least] – in both men and women.

“Manbutteruptus in dad jeans”

3] distended midsection

Some otherwise thin older men appear to be walking around with a perfectly round “basketball” in their stomachs.

You might also notice that these same men have small arms and legs.

If it’s not a serious condition known as Cushing’s Disease [where the body over-produces cortisol], it’ poor diet, lack of resistance training, and usually, depression.

“Pooch in pouch in dad jeans”

4] hanging arm flesh

Flesh is not supposed to hang. It’s supposed to coat the muscles like house paint.

But as aging progresses, skin sags as collagen production slows, leaving your skin less elastic than in younger years.

“Hanging out loud.”

What to do about it:

a] Drink eight to ten glasses of water per day to keep your skin properly hydrated and plumped.

b] Speak with your dermatologist regarding laser skin rejuvenation.

c] Exercise regularly to strengthen your triceps.

d] Eat a healthy diet consisting of fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains, lean meats and low fat dairy [and don’t forget the good fats].

e] Apply an over-the-counter cream containing alpha or beta hydroxy acids, vitamin C or retinoids.

“Hanging out loud.”

5] pencil legs

This is a particularly egregious condition for men of all ages, but horrendous in older men who can’t fill out a pair of slacks to save their lives.

No wonder designer labels are irrelevant. They’d be better off leaving the slacks on a coat hangar.

For the rest of you, just know that 60-70% of your total muscle mass is in your lower body.

If you don’t train your lower body, your entire body will not grow as quickly and will lack proportion.

If this is irrelevant to you, see your primary care physician for blood work to check your testosterone levels.

If they’re on the floor, you know why you don’t care.

For those with normal “T” levels, perform the following compound leg exercises at least once a week:

1] squats

2] leg presses

3] deadlifts

If you can’t even imagine yourself doing any of these, find a good personal trainer who will show you 50 different ways to achieve the same results.

Intense [and consistent] leg training is one of the true “secrets” to a muscular [and proportionate] upper body!

While I’m pretty sure there’s someone for everyone, I’m not entirely sure…

December 2024
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