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Date Archives → May 2015
Self Confidence is Key to Aging Gracefully for Older Men
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If you’re a Baby Boomer, you know all about the ebb and flow of self-confidence.
You may consider yourself “extremely” confident on matters of financial achievement, but on a more personal note, find yourself less than enthused.
It’s all about how it balances out in the end, and believe me, we’re all running the numbers.
So what do men fear most about aging?
1] It’s been my personal experience that most of us fear being old and broke. Not Old. But old and broke. There’s a difference.
My advice to all young guys is to choose your careers wisely, because there will come a day when windfall will become necessary in order to live out your years in comfort, rather than under a bridge.
2] Irrelevance. Yea, irrelevance. And no, not everyone is relevant in their own minds, families notwithstanding.
Men are used to being useful, and when they are no longer working, they die one way or the other.
3] Balding, followed by greying. I know I know. It’s superficial, and besides lots of men shave their heads.
But balding remains on the very top of men’s concerns next to colon cancer.
There are many less than stellar work arounds for this problem, but no matter what you do, the emotional damage is indelible and life-changing.
Some men are blessed with perfect hair. They are the very, very fortunate few…like movie stars who made it to the top without the right last names.
Adding insult to injury, men with perfect hair don’t have to be the most handsome, or in possession of flawless physiques.
This is because the preternatural nature of their everlasting hairlines more than balances the scales.
There is no upside to hair loss unless you have a perfectly shaped “boxy-muscular” head like Jason Statham, which arguably enhances his appearance.
So there is an upside for Jason Statham.
4] The ubiquitous Potbelly, in my view, is far worse than any hairline recession, because a man can actually do something about it without a surgeon or wig manufacturer.
If you can afford to just not give a crap what people think, and live your life in the back woods of Tennessee, fine.
If not, you’ll be the punchline of every joke about aging men.
5] Impotence. When your penis ceases to perform, no amount of money [or hair] in the world will make you feel like a man.
Fortunately for older men, there are ED meds.
Lots of them.
6] Death. Men don’t necessarily fear what happens to them after they die as much as they do what happens to those they leave behind.
This is an irrational thought process, but I actually know men who wonder whether or not their wives are going to start sleeping with the neighbor the second the funeral ends.
Summary
We’re all screwed eventually.
The best we can do is plan ahead financially, work until the day we die, go to therapy to overcome issues with balding [since nobody cares if #1 is in proper order], workout like we did in college, take ED meds when necessary, and come to terms with the fact
that life goes on after we die.
Now you have something to live for.
Middle-Age Strikes Back
[from left] Bill, Tim 36 [trainer], John and Yours Truly.
I’m not going to tell you life in the middle to later years is a cakewalk.
It isn’t.
Making matters even worse is that fact that men tend to walk the road alone, which is why most of need back-up.
This is what back-up looks like.
In this context, there is also something to be said for co-dependence.
What Kids Need to Know About Money: Reality Television, Notwithstanding.
Misleading advice about money is everywhere, but the most egregious is this:
“Do what you love and the money will come.”
Seriously?
In the real world it reads more like this:
“Do what you love, but make damn sure that it can provide the kind of lifestyle you envision for yourself 30 years down the road.”
Unless you have a verifiable, iron-clad trust fund that cannot be changed or manipulated in someone else’s favor [including another family member], or hail from a celebrity family with a predilection towards generosity, or have a certain talent no one else on the planet has, you’re screwed.
I grew up around kids who bragged about their parents’ multimillion dollar businesses, only to find themselves – at middle age – in a corner office at the same firm on a salary that could never make the down payment on that house on the hill with the big swimming pool.
See, most businesses aren’t worth dirt to their owners until they’re sold.
There are exceptions, but not many.
The sole purpose of starting – and growing – a business is to one day sell it, not love it through sickness and health.
I say this because of all the things in the world you need count on, death withstanding, it’s money.
You can’t live on love or fame or happiness.
Something has to underwrite all of them. Think of it as blood supply provided by the almighty dollar.
Sorry to dust up your fantasies.
Imagine yourself a middle-aged man with no money in the bank and you’re better off with a bullet in your head.
In fact, everyone is better of with a bullet in your head.
Sage advice:
Money first, everything else second.
Then you can learn to play the piano, write a book, or grow your own vegetables and everyone will think you’re a genius.
You’re welcome.
Middle Aged Men and the Young Women in Their Lives
http://www.salon.com/2015/03/26
Before I delve into this incendiary topic, let me clear something up right away: I’m a card-carrying member of the Baby Boom generation and guilty as charged of dating considerably younger women for the better part of my entire adult life.
I guess you could say this makes me a veteran of sorts, and therefore, the target of hostility from those who assume I exploit and hoard youth.
But here’s a little secret:
It’s the other way around.
See, unless a guy my age is trawling ads on Cragislist, they women in question are trawling for us in places like grocery stores.
We don’t command young women the way we used to. We are either exposed to them over a period of time wherein they do their assessment and decide whether or not to go in, or they target us like snipers and then conquer us through unimaginably guile.
So we’re the victims if truth be told.
All we have is experience, more money – and a lot more appreciation – which appears to be straw that broke the camel’s back where dating young men is concerned.
But I gotta tell ya, it’s not a cakewalk, either. Young women are a lot like older women, just better looking.The downside is the raging hormones that more than balance the scales in many minds, lest you think its a panacea.
Notwithstanding, a lot of successful older guys I know just get tired of being reminded that their time is fraying at the edges, and what better way to obviate this unfortunate existential dilemma than to date women who remind them that tomorrow is not only worth living for…but that life may, in fact, be the dream we suspected back in the 70’s.
Either way, youth and beauty are like all-natural syringes of heroin, just more expensive in most cases.
If you can get past that, most would concede that you’ve reached the top of the mountain, and can now officially die with a smile on your face.
As for Woody Allen and everyone else with an appreciation of beauty – and the means to attract it [whatever that may be] – women are officially adults at the age of 18.
And while I don’t know many men who would have an interest in a relationship with a woman that young, I don’t know a single solitary one of us who would fail to appreciate everything else about them.
Get real. Men are men no matter what you happen to think about our inability to complete a sentence in the face of beauty.
The “Middle-Aged Men in Lycra” [MAMIL] Phenomenon
Daily Mail ran an article last year about the “middle-aged man in Lycra” phenomenon, and since that time the situation has gone viral.
Even the Chinese see the uptick in local Lycra sales.
From the perspective of an older man who went through the Lycra phrase back in the 90’s, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that it’s the middle-aged man’s last stand.
If it’s not the ’69 Chevy Camaro, it’s going to be the Lycra.
Get used to it, because one way or the other, they’re going in.
They want to be who they once were – or wanted to be – now that they can afford it without having to sell the kitchen sink on Ebay.
Of course their wives of 20 years are dumbfounded witnessing their once normal and well adjusted husbands in clothing and accessories usually reserved for circus acts or Dr. Who reruns.
But this is how middle-age often manifests in men, particularly in those of achievement and ambition.
Some of us buy boats, motorcycles and cars. Others buy women.
But the last damn thing we do is buy into mortality.
Some of us look ridiculous doing the things we do, while others pull the same things off with aplomb.
It all gets down to self-actualization.
If you don’t have it, you end up looking like the caricature in the photo above.
If you do, you end up looking more along the lines of this:
But “Scooby” [pictured above], is a fitness guru, not an accountant turned fitness fanatic in his 50’s.
There’s a difference.
Most older men who start late with the fitness lifestyle tend to morph from spin class [for cardiovascular health] into walking billboards for cycling manufacturers.
Most of them are late learners who see this as an opportunity to become the men they’ve always wanted to be – but couldn’t – due to 60 hour work weeks, family obligations and travel.
Nonetheless, older men still look ridiculous in this crap. Hell, everyone looks ridiculous in it.
But older men become the scapegoat for everything that doesn’t fade and die the way it’s “supposed” to.
Of course, most men who did what they were told never made it to the top, which is why you rarely hear their wives complaining about their nice neighborhoods.
POSTSCRIPT
For many men, cycling is a way to connect with others the way they did back in their college days.
Men are not particularly good at mid-life bonding, so it’s arguable that cycling serves a greater purpose.
Personally, I think that anything that gives men purpose gives the people in their lives hope.
POST-POSTSCRIPT
I thought this was funny, so I’ll share it with you.
There’s this guy around me age who spent his life as an accountant for a medium-sized oil and gas firm.
He was a mousy little man, quiet and unassuming.
Then one day he sold his shares in the company and retired with his then middle-aged wife.
Suddenly, the guy shows up last week in psychedelic Lycra biking tights; his arms ripped and muscular, his face sporting a certain indigence that suggested a new-found aggression.
Sadly, his wife who looked totally out of place hanging out with her “new” jacked and steroid-fueled husband, and together they walk towards the gym, the woman trailing behind.
I bring this up because some guys should just stay in the shadows.
As I’ve always said, if you can pull off whatever it is you’re trying to do/be, by all means go for it.
But you need to be self-aware enough to know the difference between pulling it off and making a complete fool of yourself – and your wife in the process.
With this in mind, I’m sure said wife is the next to go.
70-Year-Old Sonny Bryant Will Change the Way You Look at Aging
http://www.builtlean.com/2014/03/03/70-year-old-man-muscle/
At my health club, there are men in their 80’s competing in power-lifting on an international level.
And to think I had my first midlife crisis at 28…
The Rich Fantasy Lives of Urban Middle-Aged Men…and the Cognitive Skills to Survive Them.
Now John at the bar is a friend of mine
He gets me my drinks for free
And he’s quick with a joke or to light up your smoke
But there’s someplace that he’d rather be
He says, “Bill, I believe this is killing me.”
As the smile ran away from his face
“Well I’m sure that I could be a movie star
If I could get out of this place…” Piano Man, Billy Joel
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
1] Why am I not a rock star?
2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?
3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?
4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?
5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?
6] Where is my entourage?
7]\ Where am I?
8] Who am I?
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
If any of this sounds familiar, welcome to midlife, a precarious period in a man’s life, usually between the ages of 48 and 64, when everything you did in your life is now done and everything ahead is on thin ice.
While most of these items listed are exaggerations, the psychopathology behind them is everything but.
To combat this aberration of thought [self-persecution], I’d like to start an exercise I rely on to get me through the noise when it’s so loud I want to take up cliff diving.
First, I want you to put your hands on a Magic Marker. I prefer black ink because its more direct.
Then, get a large sketch pad which you can find at any Office Max.
Now, open the marker and draw a straight line down the center of the page.
On the left, write down the question you’re pondering; the one that triggers rage, anxiety and depression.
For our purposes here, let’s start with question #1:
#1] Why am I not a rock star?
For most of us, the right side of the column will look something like this:
a] Because I’m not a professional musician.
b] Because I chose to attend Business school in Rhode Island rather than sleep on the streets in Hollywood.
c] Because I’m risk-averse, in general.
Excellent. So now you’re answering your own questions and can now go back to enjoying your lunch.
#2] Why don’t I have my own syndicated radio talk show?
a] Because I’m not in the radio business.
b] Because I have never been in the radio business.
c] Because I had no interest in the radio business until “Rush Limbaugh” made me rethink that decision.
#3] Why am I not taking Letterman’s place?
a] Because Stephen Colbert just took it.
b] Because you’re not a stand-up comedian.
c] Because you’re not, nor have you ever been, in the television business, and therefore, neither you nor Mr. Colbert are in competition.
#4] Why aren’t the phones ringing off the hook with glamorous acting jobs, TV appearance bookings, 7-figure book deals?
a] Are you currently a professional actor? If not, scratch the first one.
b] TV appearances usually involve people who either survived a jump out of a commercial airliner without a parachute, or those born into a celebrity families they can’t wait to tell the world about.
c] As for “7-figure book deals” NOT involving celebrity gossip, you might ask yourself if you’ve ever written a book, much less taken a course in high school English.
#5] Why don’t I own a Gulfstream?
a] Most celebrities cannot afford to own Gulfstream aircraft, so they buy timeshares in them.
b] The oil and gas company you’ve been working for has a fleet of 7 Gulfstreams. If you had become a Vice-President, you’d been flying on one yourself.
c] Most people who can afford to outright own their own jets were usually born into the money. The rest you can count on two hands.
#6] Where is my entourage?
a] You have a wife, three kids, two cats and a Labrador Retriever. Isn’t that enough?
b] Once you’re past a certain age the last thing you want is to be bothered by an entourage, much less anything – or anyone with their hand out.
c] Entourages are for elite professional boxers who will probably blow through everything before they hit your age. Way before. I can name names you already know.
#7] Where am I?
a] By this, most middle-aged men are referring to where they are in the context of their lives and accomplishments. So start jotting down your accomplishments – without comparing them with people you don’t know, but can’t stop hearing about.
b] If you’re still healthy, reasonably happy, and financially secure at middle age, you’re a celebrity to anyone who is not.
c] If you have a swimming pool in addition to everything else, you deserve a backhand from God.
And finally…
#8] Who am I?
a] I might suggest ancestry.com.
If this isn’t what you’re referring to, dial 911.
Middle-Aged Men in Bars
When I was in my 30’s and 40’s I had lots of single friends who spent an inordinate amount of time in bars.
We were all in shape, health conscious, and forever hoping to one day stumble upon someone who shared our journey.
It wasn’t that we necessarily expected anything monumental to occur, but we couldn’t preclude the possibility, which was the real hook.
Then down the road we met “the one” and the bar days were over.
For many there was marriage, children and career which went on for 20 or 30 years until it all fell apart and they were back at the same bars, hunting the same fantasies.
Understand that older men don’t spend all their time with hookers in Aspen, Monaco, and the Swiss Alps – or have an interest in attending endless galas and benefits.
Many of us do what we’ve always done: Work, go to the gym, and, at the end of the day, find ourselves alone.
I know it sounds weird, but it’s true.
So now what?
Are we supposed to sit home and read history books about dead people?
We may not look like people half our age, but we share similar hopes and dreams where lust and love are concerned.
I know this is irksome, provoking queasiness in the young, but as long as we are alive and well, this is what you can expect from us.
When you’re older you’ll understand.
You might also notice that the very second one of your buddies meets the woman of his dreams, he’ll disappear from your life like an exploding star, never to be seen or heard from again until his relationship fails, at which point your phone will start ringing off the hook at age 50.
See, unlike women, men tend to go to ground and hoard, while they find a middle ground between commitment and an exit strategy.
This is why bars these days are filled men of all ages, your existential nightmares notwithstanding.
“Dadbods” and the Soccer Moms Who Love Them
In this photograph, Leonardo DiCaprio sports the sexy new “Dadbod.”
http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-life/leonardo-dicaprios-dadbod-is-the-new-hot-body-type-for-men/
I added a second link below of a survey of women who seem to prefer a bit of flab over super fit by a wide margin [no puns].
http://hiit-blog.dailyhiit.com/hiit-community/75-women-prefer-flab-abs/
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Men of my age [and socioeconomic demographic] feel entitled to physically beautiful women because beautiful women feel entitled to men of relative achievement and success.
The more success = the more beauty.
It’s a simple equation that cuts both ways.
And while no one complains about both parties being in top physical condition, women are less inclined to appreciate what they consider to be physical competition.
Why?
1] It makes them feel less secure about their bodies than they already do, no matter how beautiful they happen to be.
2] It makes aging an even bigger existential nightmare than it already is since older people look worse than younger people no matter what Koolaid you’re drinking.
3] It forces women to sleep with one eye open knowing other women are angling for their successful – and damn good looking– husbands, which places even more pressure on them to remain physically flawless, even though it’s physically impossible.
SUMMARY
While most in-shape women would probably consider DiCaprio out of shape and in dire need of a bra, they would also be the first ones in line should he express an interest in them.
The same cannot be said of men if the woman in question happened to be physically unattractive.
This disparity is at the crux of the phenomenon.