Recreation, 2005
From my first book, Insideout, available on Amazon.
Date Archives → June 2015
How You “KNOW” You’re Middle-Age: A Primer in Dispelling Stereotypes
The article below cites 40 bullet points that claim to determines “middle-age” status:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/28/middle-age_n_3830194.html
Oh Dear God. Here we go…
According the article, the top 40 signs of middle age [55-plus] are as follows.
Notes:
Between each entry are my comments based on personal experience as a middle-age man living in a large metropolitan area.
You may find many of my comments surprising. Or not.
Here’s their list:
1) Losing touch with everyday technology such as tablets and TVs
Comments: This does not apply to me, but it does for others…many others. But most of them are in their 80’s and couldn’t care less.
2) Finding you have no idea what ‘young people’ are talking about
Comments: Again, this doesn’t apply to me because I’m around people of all generations. Disconnecting is a big problem, particularly for older men.
3) Feeling stiff
Comments: I don’t know what “feeling stiff” means in this context, but I have to assume it’s inflexibility, which is not a problem when you stretch, foam roll, and circuit train.
4) Needing an afternoon nap
Comments: On the days I don’t workout I don’t nap. On the days I do, I’m down for the count.
5) Groaning when you bend down
Comments: After dead-lifting hundreds of pounds, the attendant soreness makes me groan just getting out of bed.
6) Not remembering the name of any modern bands
Comments: I didn’t know there were any modern bands. Most of the bands I listen to still tour.
7) Talking a lot about your joints/ailments
Comments: Everyone who works out talks about ailments because we’re looking for work-a rounds, in most cases. As for going on and on about one bullshit ache and pain after the next, I leave it to the guys who threw up their hands at age 50.
8) Hating noisy pubs
Comments: I don’t go to pubs because I’m not much of a drinker. As for restaurants, I don’t like a lot of noise because I can’t hear the conversations, which is why I’m there in the first place.
9) Getting more hairy -– ears, eyebrows, nose, face etc.
Comments: Yes to all of the above, which is why I make sure that stuff doesn’t get out of control. You have to pay attention. Most older men don’t, hence the punchlines.
10) Thinking policemen/teachers/doctors look really young
Comments: I have no idea where this came from because my GP is 10 years older than I am and a triathlete. As for teachers and policemen, it never really crossed my mind.
11) Preferring a night in with a board game than a night on the town
Comments: A night in the pool followed by a glass of wine is more like it. When I was single, I’d take the night on the town in a heartbeat.
12) You don’t know any songs in the top ten
Comments: I don’t know any songs in the top ten by name, but I do recognize a Katy Perry song that makes my skin crawl.
13) Choosing clothes and shoes for comfort rather than style
Comments: I choose shoes with soft soles because they are more comfortable. All of my Prada’s have soft soles.
14) Taking a flask of tea on a day out
Comments: My trainer who’s 35 carries tea around with him, as do a lot of young guys in the gym who want a peak workout. Caffeine is a key ingredient in many sports drinks. I just do the morning coffee and nap when necessary.
15) Obsessive gardening or bird feeding
Comments: I don’t garden, but like trees if that helps.
16) Thinking there is nothing wrong with wearing an anorak
Comments: I didn’t know what an anorak was until I Googled it. But no, I don’t wear one and have no idea why anyone else would, either.
17) Forgetting people’s names
Comments: This has been a problem since high-school, but I’m working on it.
18) Booking on to a cruise
Comments: I hate the idea of being stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of people I don’t know, so no.
19) Misplacing your glasses/bag/car keys etc.
Comments: I’m getting better at this. I started reading this book on mindfulness, which reminded me to try and focus on one thing at a time, rather than 6000.
20) Complaining about the rubbish on television these days
Comments: My name is Jay Rusovich and I am a TV show addict.
21) Gasping for a cup of tea
Comments: I don’t even know what this means.
22) Getting bed socks for Christmas and being very grateful
Comments: I don’t know the meaning of “bed socks.” But I don’t wear socks in bed because I have blankets.
23) Taking a keen interest in The Antiques Road Show
Comments: I’m into mid-century modern and contemporary.
24) When you start complaining about more things
Comments: When I was in high-school I complained about the lack of freedom to come and go as I pleased. Now I complain about long waits for room service. Tie.
25) Listening to the Archers
Comments: I don’t know what – or who – the Archers are, and refuse to Google it/them.
26) You move from radio one to radio two
Comments: I don’t understand this one at all.
27) Joining the National Trust
Comments: The what?
28) Being told off for politically incorrect opinions
Comments: All the time. Always have.
29) Flogging the family car for something sportier
Comments: I’m childless and living with a woman half my age. There is no “family car.”
30) When you can’t lose six pounds in two days anymore
Comments: I lost 5 pounds of water on a two-hour bike ride yesterday.
31) You get shocked by how racy music videos are
Comments: I assume this is a veiled reference to Miley Cyrus performances, which are tepid compared to the shit I’ve seen, and personally experienced.
32) Taking a keen interest in the garden
Comments: Knock if off with the garden shit, already.
33) Buying travel sweets for the car
Comments: We carry stuff most people associate with surviving a global apocalypse. “Sweets” are not on that list.
34) Considering going on a ‘no children’ cruise for a holiday
Comments: Why would any adult want to hang out around a bunch of children?
35) When you know your alcohol limit
Comments: I have always known my alcohol limit. My body tells me the same way it did back in college.
36) Obsessively recycling/ knowing the collection dates
Comments: I just watch what the neighbors do. Most of them are actual adults.
37) Always carrying a handy pack of tissues
Comments: WTF?
38) Falling asleep after one glass of wine
Comments: Most people who workout a lot fall asleep after a glass of water.
39) Spending more money on face creams/anti-aging products
Comments: Guilty as charged. But my girlfriend outspends me tenfold.
40) Preferring a Sunday walk to a lie in
Comments: I’ll take the later, thank you. I need a day off once a week.
~ ~ ~
NEED MORE MIDLIFE BASHING? THE HP IS HERE TO HELP, AGAIN…
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/05/22/signs-youre-not-as-young-as-you-used-to-be_n_7293432.html
1. You walk into the kitchen to get something but you forget what it was when you get there.
Comments: I remember walking into my college library as a senior and forgetting what book I was looking for – during finals.
2. Every horizontal surface in your house has a pair of reading glasses on it.
Comments: Both sunglasses and reading glasses, actually.
3. You are regularly asked why you still have a telephone land line.
Comments: The land line is strictly a back-up system. I still don’t know the number. But my 84-year-old mother uses her land line regularly.
4. You carry cash and use it to pay for things.
Comments: If I have a few 5’s in my pocket it’s for valets, not luncheon meat.
5. You still figure out the tip in your head instead of using your phone calculator or an app.
Comments: Since the bill for dinner is usually $150, I tip $30. The day I use an App to calculate 20% to the penny, shoot me.
6. You check the menu online before you eat in a restaurant because you know you won’t be able to see it once you are there.
Comments: I never look at a menu. That’s what waiters are for.
7. You frequently choose restaurants based on their parking situation.
Comments: When you live in a big city, you need valets in order to find a parking space. Why would I walk two blocks to a restaurant?
8. When you park at the mall, you take a photo of where you left your car.
Comments: I have never heard of anyone doing this, but I assume the writer does.
9. You get invited to parties that start later than you like to go to bed.
Comments: We usually go to bed around midnight, so if the party starts at midnight, we opt out.
10. More than once you’ve grabbed the Ben-Gay thinking it was the toothpaste tube.
Comments: I started wearing readers at 39, and since that time, I can’t count the number of things I’ve squirted in the wrong places.
11. Loud music bothers you unless you’re the one playing it.
Comments: I get upset if music isn’t loud enough to hear, since I lost a lot of my hearing listening to loud music.
12. You rushed out and bought the iPhone6 Plus and love it — even if your kids mock you.
Comments: I bought the Iphone 6 because the ‘Plus” is the size of my Ipad.
13. You have different glasses for reading, for driving, for the computer and for going to the movies.
Comments: Just readers. Computers apparently don’t affect long distance vision.
14. You no longer rush to the dermatologist over every new sun spot.
Comments: I do, in fact, rush to the dermatologist every time I see a new sun spot. Some things never change.
15. You think people driving the speed limit are driving too fast.
Comments: I pretty much always think people are driving too slow.
16. You see items from your youth on “Antiques Roadshow” — going for top dollar.
Comments: Yea, I agree with this one.
17. You prefer a coffee maker with just an on/off switch.
Comments: I like having options, which is why I use the timer. But a simple “on-off” is good, too.
18. You understand that the only toppings on a pizza should be cheese and pepperoni.
Comments: The only ingredients I don’t use are cheese and pepperoni.
19. You can’t pronounce quinoa.
Comments: KEENWAH. Happy?
20. Kale will always be just a salad bar decoration to you.
Comments: Kale gets stuck in my teeth, which is why it’s often just decoration.
21. Shaving your legs is something you do only when going to the beach or a pool party.
Comments: No, I shave them all the time. So does my girlfriend.
22. You eyebrows turn white, if you have any eyebrows left.
Comments: Yup, whitish, but full.
23. Buying a new appliance makes you happy.
Comments: Who doesn’t love new appliances?
24. You fall asleep whenever you try to watch TV.
Comments: I have never fallen asleep watching television, but my girlfriend does it all the time, and she’s half my age.
25. You pick movies based on the theaters with fully reclining seats.
Comments: I don’t like sitting in dark rooms filled with complete strangers.
26. You begin to “get” cruises.
Comments: I’ve never been on a cruise and never intend to.
27. You wear your Fitbit to the mall and immediately check how far you’ve just walked.
Comments: My Fitbit is still sitting on my desk after giving me wrist rash.
28. You don’t have operations anymore; you have “procedures.”
Comments: The difference between an operation and a procedure is anesthesia. If I have to go under, I’m having an operation.
29. You wish your doctor took the laxatives that he gives you as pre-colonoscopy prep.
Comments: I don’t care what my doctor takes as long as he’s not tripping during the procedure.
30. The first thing you look for in an obituary is the person’s age and what killed them.
Comments: I don’t read obituaries unless I’m doing research.
31. You remember when you used to think having hemorrhoids was a big deal.
Comments: I’ve never had hemorrhoids.
32. Your idea of a great date night involves take-out food and Netflix.
Comments: I’m on board with this one.
33. When you come upon old photos of yourself, you think “I was so thin then.” All the time.
Comments: I was very thin back then, and lucky not to be locked up.
34. You are a big fan of yellow sticky notes.
Comments: I use pink ones.
35. You cut off the wine early enough to take the sleeping aid.
Comments: When I take a sleep aid, it’s with frozen fruit, a slice of low fat cheese and some pita chips.
36. You wonder when exactly it was that liberal you became a fiscal conservative.
Comments: I’ve always considered myself a fiscal conservative, even when I didn’t have a dime.
37. Public transportation makes you uneasy.
Comments: What’s public transportation?
38. You understand why people pay to upgrade their seat on planes.
Comments: So does Justin Bieber.
39. Running shoes are your go-to footwear — and not for running.
Comments: I would generally agree with this one.
40. You buy drugstore hair coloring by the case when it’s on sale.
Comments: The only thing I get by the case is pet food.
41. You’ve had conversations with friends about the best source of bran.
Comments: I have never had a conversation about bran.
42. You know first-hand that generics aren’t as good as the real deal.
Comments: If the generics work, I buy them. If not, I buy the name brands.
43. You pour egg whites into your coffee thinking it was fat-free creamer.
Comments: Seriously?
44. Your kids are all taller than you.
Comments: None of the animals in this house are taller than me.
45. You do some mental math before adopting a new puppy or kitten.
Comments: No I just grab whatever’s dragging garbage across the street.
46. You say things like, “My next house won’t have so many stairs.”
Comments: I said this 20 years ago and still have a lot of stairs.
47. You can’t remember the last time you fell asleep and stayed asleep all night.
Comments: I usually sleep through the night. If not, I don’t remember waking.
48. You are finally remembering which is Medicare and which is Medicaid.
Comments: I still have to Google it.
49. Hotels no longer ask to actually see your AARP card before they give you a discounted rate.
Comments: Hotels never offer me a discount of any kind. In fact, most of them pad the bill.
50. You swear your feet are growing wider — because they are.
Comments: If my feet are wider it’s because I have more lean muscle mass, which would make anyone’s feet wider. Large animals have big feet, too.
SUMMARY
Folks, I could go on and on with this crap until the sun dies.
People love stereotyping Baby Boomers; putting millions of us into neat little boxes that can be stacked on shelves and labelled.
But what happens when you don’t fit the stereotypes?
You put a smile on your face and middle finger in the air.
If Madonna Were an Older Man: When Double-Standards Apply
Would she be held to the same standards? If not, why?
The article uses several celebrity examples of older men who seem to get away with certain behavior that Madonna would be skewered for.
The narrative here is that older women, in general, are held to completely different standards to that of older men.
Sometimes this is true, but not always, as I’ll explain.
First, an example of what you’ll read in the “bullet-pointed” article:
1: Harrison Ford, Private Plane Pilot. On March 5, the 72-year-old actor crashed his World War II-era plane. The story made headlines around the world, all honoring how well he managed to handle the accident and hoping for his speedy recovery.
Madonna’s Headline
No longer High, Flying or Adored, Madonna Crashes on the Runway and the Charts.
My Take: Madonna, in particular, set herself up for all of this.
Either she cannot see, or chooses to ignore, the reality that “25 and 55” are two different things.
While rock stars like Mick Jagger still rockin’ n’ rollin’, we’re all in on the fantasy.
Jagger has never pretended to deny – or in any way change public perception of – his age.
In the case of Madonna, it’s the other way around.
Her album covers are case studies in Photoshop overindulgence; her competitiveness with pop singers half her age the punch lines of every late night missive; and her incessant allusions to bedding young men is as cringe-worthy as biting a dry Popsicle stick.
With Madonna, it’s not about men and women being held to different standards, it’s about Madonna not coming to terms with reality as the rest of the world knows it.
The final 11 bullet points cite:
2] Paul Newman: Car Racing at 70.
Madonna’s Headline
Bitch on Wheels: Desperate Madonna Still Thinks She’s in the Race
My Take: Again, this is not about age as much as it is about Madonna. Nobody ever beats up on older female triathletes. They applaud.
3] Iggy Pop, Shirtless at 67.
Madonna’s Headline
Icky Pop: GrandMadonna’s Topless Photo Looks Like a Map of the Old Stars Homes
My Take: Iggy Pop looks like a friggin’ monster as he did 30 years ago. No one’s ever disputed that. The fact that he’s preternaturally shredded only makes him a greater curiosity, not sex symbol.
4] Tom Cruise, Fencing at age 52.
Madonna’s Headline
Right of Light Saber: Madonna Learns How to, Literally, Stab Her Friends in the Back
My Take: They’re probably right about this one.
5] Russell Crowe, Knitting at age 50.
Madonna’s Headline
Unapologetic Stitch: Will Madonna Knit Baby Booties for Her Next Boyfriend?
My Take: This one reaches for a story it never quite lands.
6: Brad Pitt, Motorcycle Riding at age 51.
Madonna’s Headline
Motorcycle Mama’s Message to Her Children: Biking Is Fine!
My Take: If Madonna wants to ride motorcycles, nobody cares as long as she isn’t riding it in a tu-tu.
7: Sean Penn, Surfing at age 54
Madonna’s Headline
Drowned World: Madonna Desperately Tries to Stay Afloat
My Take: Not to hammer a point to oblivion, but if Madonna wants to resurrect herself, an acoustic guitar and her voice on stage would be enough to fill arenas anywhere.
8: Johnny Depp, Owning and Island at age 51.
Madonna’s Headline
From British to Bahamian, Madonna’s Un-American Ambitions
My Take: See #5 Russell Crowe.
9: Sting, Tantric Sex at age 63.
Madonna’s Headline
Chanteuse on the Loose: Madonna’s Sexual Stretch Marks
My Take: It is true that Madonna would be the laughing stock of the world if she were to publicize something like this in light of her recent missteps.
10: George Clooney, Sports at age 53.
Madonna’s Headline
No Longer in a League of Her Own, Madonna Strikes Out on the Playing Field, Dribbles in Public, and Chases After Tight Ends
My Take: If Madonna competed successfully in a triathlon, she would set an example for women her age. Instead, she expects people to just imagine her doing it, along with everything else.
11: Denzel Washington, Boxing at age 60
Madonna’s Headline
Former Musical Heavyweight Madonna Now Hits Below the Belt
My Take: If Madonna wanted to box, no one would care one iota.
12: Kevin Costner, Horseback Riding at age 60.
Madonna’s Headline
Madonna owns… wait, she fell off her horse in 2005, leaving her with a broken hand, busted collarbone and three cracked ribs. One very popular New York Newspaper wrote it…”Madonna Falls Off Her High Horse.”
My Take: I remember this story well, and again, Madonna is her own worst enemy.
When Keith Richards fell out of a coconut tree or four-wheeler or whatever the hell happened to him in Hawaii, he got flowers and high-fives, not a tsunami of negative press because he’s cool being who the hell he is!
Bottom line:
The article is not about gender stereotypes.
It’s about Madonna…as usual.
When Did Bad Service Go Airborne?
Every heard the term “Coffee shop attitude?”
If not, I’m sure you know all about bad service, whether it’s a stoner serving coffee, or say, a plumber with a house note and problems with his wife that you need to hear all about.
These days, if I want great service I have to pay the highest price imaginable for it.
If I’m traveling, I have to choose – for example – Ritz Carlton, a company that trains its employees in the fine art of great customer service.
Of course, I’m looking at $500.00/night on up for said service, but it’s well worth it given the alternative.
If I want a great overall dining experience with air-conditioning and hand towels, I have to pick the most expensive place in a given city or I put up with cultural flu.
How exactly does this ‘attitude’ play out?
Simple:
WAITER
“You [the customer] make me feel like giving a shit. If you’re successful I’ll pass you a plate without dropping it in your lap.”
In the case of a plumber [and I use ‘plumbing’ randomly], you have to offer restroom facilities, cold drinks and sometimes gas money to Home Depot when they don’t have the part they need on their trucks.
When did this all this crap start? The entitlement?
I remember when plumbers, waiter, electricians, gardeners – suppliers of every kind – were appreciative and polite to their customers.
It’s how they got what was once known as repeat business.
As kids we were taught that the nicer you were to your customers, the more money you made.
It seemed pretty simple at the time.
But today, people resent serving anyone who doesn’t kiss their butts – as if we [the people paying for their services] owe them special treatment for assisting us in exchange for our money.
Obviously, people are feeling more and more invisible in a world where respect is a birthright, not something earned.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’m older, more successful, and, generally speaking, more experienced that I expect more.
But in the end it doesn’t matter what the rationale is.
What does matter is where they’ll be in ten years when cleaning dishes is no longer cool.
Note: This discussion is slightly off topic, but I couldn’t help myself after some moron at an organic hamburger joint was too stoned to understand the meaning of “I’d like a hamburger with lettuce wrap and sweet potato fries” all in the same sentence.
By the way, I want to smack that douche in the photograph above, and I know you do, too.
We’re Traveling Through Another Dimension, a Dimension Not Only of Sight and Sound But of Mind: Meet “Caitlyn”
Bruce Jenner [65] as “Caitlyn”
http://www.tmz.com/2015/06/01/bruce-jenner-photo-caitlyn-woman-vanity-fair/
First of all, I don’t care what Bruce Jenner, or, for that matter, anyone else does with their body.
Some people like tattoos, others pierce their genitals.
There are women [and men] who spend the lion’s share of their time in the company of plastic surgeons. Some say it improves their chances of scoring an acting job on Law and Order.
Others undergo procedures they think will attract the attention of rich, powerful men with penchants for younger women, in spite of the fact that most of them are in their middle 40’s.
Enter Bruce Jenner, a one-time Olympic gold medalist, and now a regular on the reality television series, Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
I remember him back in their 80’s as the Wheaties guy.
He was all about being a fit, healthy man. All man.
But as we all come to know, what we see in life is rarely what’s behind the veil.
There are no simple set of right angels, balanced and aligned.
Jenner claimed he was never comfortable with who he was, that he never felt comfortable in the body of a man.
So like everyone else I know, he did something about it – mostly because he could afford to do something about it – and then decided to make it a crusade for the transgendered community.
Win-win.
He’s both woman and celebrated advocate.
It kind of reminds me of Madonna, a woman in the throes of a very public crash-and-burn tied directly to her delusions of pop relevance.
They’re both shell’s of their former selves, but at this stage of the game, neither one of them are going out without a fight.
Whether it’s heavily Photoshopped press images, or scripted interviews, “relevance” will not be denied.
This does make for a compelling study in abnormal human psychology. It’s a textbook example of just how far a person is willing to go to satisfy self.
I certainly don’t criticize Jenner for tackling a debilitating psychiatric dilemma.
But I do question his decision as a parent to drag his daughters through what should have been a private family matter, accolades from the transgendered community notwithstanding.
Then again, one could also argue that The Kardashians made their fortune on public disclosure, and Jenner’s transformation is just another angle in a never-ending story.
For me, the last thing in the world I would want to do is become a woman at age 65.
Hell, most women I know begin to feel invisible by age 40.
Skinny, Lanky and Long: The Go-To Look in Certain Circles
The Country Club aesthetic.
The athletic aesthetic.
~ ~ ~
I don’t know exactly where women got off track [or men became so fetishistic about anorexia], but the go-to aesthetic for successful older men appears to be very thin physiques.
I have several theories, which I know you just can’t wait to hear. [ahem…]
1] Many successful, older men were once wormy little bean counters nobody paid much attention to until they sold their shares of stock in the company they gave 20 years of their lives building, and then retired, divorced…and reinvented themselves as superheroes.
Such men prefer women who don’t remind them of what they once were, particularly now that they’re rich, entitled, and bigger than life.
Mindful of this, smaller women are less threatening, which feeds the man’s delusions of grandeur.
2] Successful older men who once played pro football and now own car dealerships tend to like physically small women because they crave control, and like knowing that the woman is submissive and willing to maintain the physique of a 12-year-old boy in exchange for lifestyle.
3] Couture fashion designs look better on small-framed women, which is a slam-dunk for galas, benefits and cocktail affairs of the rich and powerful where men parade their women like goats in Prada.
4] There is a notion floating around the collective unconscious of this socioeconomic niche that thin women are more cultured, educated, and generally speaking, intelligent.
This conveys to others in his world that she is in his arms by divine provenance.
In other words, if he didn’t himself possess the same qualities, she wouldn’t be with him.
5] Sex, Sex, Sex: Smaller woman make men look and feel bigger, which is a massive turn-on for men with control issues [most of them].
And while there exists in smaller numbers a closeted fetish for fuller-figured women with big asses, but most of them keep such fantasies in the closet alongside everything else they keep in there.
As for the men who truly crave nothing but very thin frames, they like knowing they can throw them around like rag dolls.
6] Reflecting the psychopathology of this aesthetic, women tell their personal trainers they want “tone, not muscle,” which only makes sense if you’re in this culture zone.
What they mean by this is they want a long, lean, low-fat figure that sells well in country clubs, and has store clerks tripping all over themselves at places like Chanel.
Men in possession of such women want a comprehensive “package” that never changes for the rest of their mortal lives, that’s all.
~ ~ ~
NOTES
The woman in the second photograph is fit and muscular.
Unfortunately, her legs are too big for many high-end fashion designs, which means she can’t wear them; a clear breach of protocol.
Personally, the woman in the below photograph would be a slam-dunk for me, but I happen to like athletic women in Lycra because she could hold her own with me in a street fight against several assailants.
My perspective is obviously warped.