Dan Housey, 58, in New Orleans
This site has become a beacon for Baby Boomers who work hard, play hard and live right.
Winners, all of them.
Images like this one sent to me yesterday make all the hard work we do around here worth the effort.
Onward!
Congratulations, Dan!
Note: Feel free to share this on social media.
When you’re 21, nobody tells you what you can, or can’t – or, probably shouldn’t – do.
At 60, nobody has the vaguest idea.
~~~
Upon the referral of a medical acquaintance at my health club, I went in to see a new Internist.
By the way, I already have a couple of internists, but I figure 3 is better than 2 and so on.
“He’ll take good care of you” I was assured.
In other words, he was someone who would understand my situation.
In the parlance of older men like me, understanding my situation roughly translates, “Understanding the psychopathology of older men living life like there’s no tomorrow, because, as a practical matter, there isn’t.”
Obviously, this is not literal. But in the context of what men think of “living,” a few years down the road is the opposite.
It’s really kind of Buddhist, but since we don’t live like Buddhists the allusion only works at cocktail functions after about two hours of drinking and fudging accomplishments.
Back to the Internist, I enter the plush setting situated at ground zero of an uber-expensive zip code, and am handed a few pages to sign that have everything to do with money and nothing whatsoever to do with health.
“I _______ agree to pay Internist $500/Hour for consultation, or prorated increments thereof.”
Furthermore, “I_______ understand that insurance is not accepted, except in the case of blood work, in which case insurer shall cover the cost of such services.”
Okay, so I wanted personalized service from a new Internist who would be available to me on an as-needed basis, still unfortunately this would still be at the $500/hour rate.
In many cases, you pay an annual fee for “concierge service,” but this takes it to the next level.
Most people would take one look at this paperwork and walk out the door. But to guys like me who want medical care and advice the way we want prompt room service, we pay through the teeth for it.
After a conversation about life, love and the pursuit of immortality, my bill for the visit was $645, which after all did include the drawing of blood.
I used a Visa, btw.
All of this brings me to my point, which is older men have no idea what to do – or, for that matter, what to expect – where optimal health and fitness are concerned.
The reason for this is that there are no established baselines, which is precisely because there has never been a generation like this one in the history of mankind.
1] We live longer than ever before, so, like, what the hell are we going to do with all the time?
2] We expect more from life – and our bodies – since we’re going to be around a while.
3] Many of us can afford better service, and since we’re no longer 25, we won’t sit in the back of the bus anymore [something not lost on those who send us bills].
4] Many of us are divorced and dating women half our age, which throws a whole new level of confusion into the mix.
5] Mid Life Crisis is something most driven, successful men experience at 10 times the rate of men who are happy with an outdoor grill and wife who loves them for who they are.
So like I said, no baselines.
If I walk into a gym and start to feeling fatigued after 30 minutes of cardio, is it because I’m old, or that I’m on the verge of a stroke?
Do I need to push my body harder so that I can handle more physical stress, or am I already at my threshold?
If I were 18 my high school coach would throw me against a wall for hurling in the middle of practice.
Now they dial 911.
If my blood work looks good, am I green-lighted to workout like I did in college, or is blood work coupled with age mitigating?
I have no idea, frankly.
This is one reason I pay so much for medical advice.
When I was young people like me didn’t exist.
Now we’re everywhere and none of us have the vaguest idea how to navigate this new terrain.
Some guys try hormone replacement.
Others visit plastic surgeons.
A wealthy few try stem cell therapy.
The rest rely on psychiatrists.
But we all understand that the party won’t go on forever no matter what we do, which never stops us from trying.
http://www.etonline.com/awards/emmys/172325_jon_stewart_makes_promise_final_daily_show_emmy_speech/
“To everybody on television, I just want to tell you, cling to it as long as you can,” Stewart advised onstage. “Like death, like in the Titanic. Cling to it!”
Stewart admitted that his time away from TV hasn’t been easy.
“I’ve been off of television for six weeks, seven weeks, whatever it is, this is the first applause I’ve heard. It is a barren wasteland out there,” Stewart deadpanned.
~~~
I write a lot about “relevance” in the context of older men, and how the lack of it is akin to surgical castration.
Nobody – and I mean, NOBODY! – I gives that up without a fight.
When it’s gone, the fallout is always in the news:
Retired athlete now a drug addict; baron of business blows his brains out when risk trumps reward; once-famous actor fades into oblivion under a street lamp in the dead of night with a needle in his arm.
What keeps successful men alive is R E L E V A N C E.
Donald Trump once stated, “…there is nothing more voracious than this man’s hunger for wealth, fame and power,” and after being exposed to many such men in my life, the statement couldn’t be more true.
With this in mind, Stewart isn’t going anywhere.
He misses the applause, the notoriety, the power in a way similar to addicts when on the precipice of withdrawal.
It’s intoxicating.
Ask any retired rock musician what he misses most and the first sentence out of his mouth is “I miss my fans.”
I have a friend who is in various businesses, but the one he loves most is music.
When he’s on stage, he is someone else – infused with life, happy.
When it’s over, he goes back to the other guy, the one who’s a bit resigned, frustrated, bittersweet, sensitive, mildly depressed.
Once you’re on stage there’s no where else to go, particularly when you’re Stewart’s age with decades ahead of you … to do what? Fish?
There are men who’ve made fortunes many times over and are happy to live in relative obscurity with their riches and anonymity.
In fact, many claim to prefer this to fame of any kind.
But the vast majority of them still need some place to hang a shingle, whether it’s starting a charitable foundation, writing books, lecturing, or buying gold-diggers.
Without purpose, we’re nothing more than a memory with a large bank account, which is never big enough to fill in all the empty spaces.
Nothing fills the void when you feel like you no longer matter, even when you do to everyone, but yourself.
No wonder famous rock musicians continue to tour long after the money’s made, – and talk show hosts go on set, night after night, to the sound of their bands, famous guests and high Arbitron ratings.
The moment they walk away, they fade from relevance and time does what it always does.
As an older man who has done a lot with his life, I can personally attest to the fact that people like me don’t lie down for long because an idle life is, indeed, a “barren wasteland.”
We all need a purpose, and for Jon, it’s DEFINITELY another show.
If he wants a damn “motorcycle,” let him have it. Your marriage may depend on it.
If you’re in the same generation as your husband, you may want to keep the following things in mind as you age together:
1] Don’t judge him.
If he wants a motorcycle, you don’t have to jump up and down with joy about it. But you need to respect his desire to do something he’s always wanted to do, but couldn’t for all the reasons one might expect [i.e., job, children, et al].
Most men I know have already proven themselves financially, and now they just want to go back to feeling the way they did when it all started, mostly because they can afford to.
This is also why so many affluent older men have blind checking accounts, but I digress.
2] Remain calm, very calm.
Women should understand [and respect] that men must feel like men in order to continue functioning as men.
Sometimes this includes the viewing of pornography, which most consider normal and well-adjusted behavior.
In the grand scheme of things, it’s no big deal.
But for you women who consider it a form of cheating, you can either walk out on your otherwise faithful husband of 25 years, or just go with the flow.
Beating him up about it will just drive him to places like Ashleymadison.com.
3] Respect his fears about aging.
Older men worry about a lot of things they tend to keep to themselves.
1] Fear about the body breaking down.
2] Fear about retirement.
3] Fear about everything he once felt in control of.
These are all very real to him, common to most, and worthy of consideration from all.
4] Pay attention to his emotional issues.
Brushing off your man’s emotional issues is a recipe for disaster.
I know this will surprise many of you, but men have needs beyond sports and intercourse.
Always keep your marriage a priority, particularly after the kids are gone, and never, ever take him for granted unless you want a hooker at your door at 3 o’clock in the morning with a ransom demand.
SUMMARY
In study after study, it has been demonstrated that an aging man’s greatest fears are all quite similar no matter who he happens to be.
In my world, most men fear 1] impotence for obvious reasons.
This is why they are always having their cholesterol checked, their testosterone increased, and their fitness regimen on a fast track.
Some see this as racing with the devil because it is.
With this in mind, it become obvious then that aging men fear 2] weakness, in general.
No man wants to feel vulnerable, not in full possession of himself.
It is an indignity to most, and the reason so many suffer clinical depression after an injury or illness.
Then there’s the specter of 3] irrelevance that I can’t stop talking about in this blog.
A man with a lifetime of exemplary accomplishments is usually proud of what he’s done, and least likely to let go of it freely.
This is why great achievers keep working.
After all, you’re only as good as your last accomplishment, and if it was over a decade ago, you’ll never have anything to say for yourself at cocktail functions.
There are other concerns, of course, like losing one’s mind, but they are usually subordinate to the ones I just mentioned.
Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin, 59 and his fiance Katie Hunt, 31
The fact that this is a “story” at all speaks to the lingering ageism in the same world that’s witnessed Olympian Bruce Jenner morph into Caitlin, and gay marriage legalized.
So what’s up with this?
Let’s turn to some of the article’s comments for more insight:
“She doesn’t look 31. She looks older. Seems less shocking that way.”
“He must have money.”
“I would not be happy if I was her parents.”
“He’s a pig. He’s very wealthy so yeah… Right move on her part!”
There were one or two supportive remarks, but that’s it.
So what does this say about us as a society?
It says that there are lots of pissed off older women who feel left behind, and just as many young men who feel that they can’t compete with older men of affluence and power.
See, nobody’s competing with Caitlin Jenner.
Liam Neeson, 63 ‘Never been healthier…’ for 63.
Ahead of turning 63 on June , he said: ‘My birthday is a touchy subject. I’m going to be 63 — nobody wants to be 63! I’m getting old.
‘What I want more than anything is for it to be ignored. I just hate it and it makes me feel vulnerable. It’s such a private thing — the day you were born, the day you came out of your mother’s womb.
‘Some people hire a boat and do grand things like that, but I just get embarrassed about that sort of celebration and attention.’
~~~
What exactly is 63 supposed to look like?
Does anyone know?
As far as Hollywood is concerned, a 63-year-old actor is supposed to be fit, muscular, dashing…and yes, sexy.
A lot of this is projection, as many industry people are themselves middle age…and beyond.
But in the end it just gets down to pandering to a massive Baby Boomer market in denial.
This aside, how do a very select few 63-year-old men manage to maintain extraordinary levels of youthfulness?
1] Intense physical fitness regimens
2] Balanced diets
3] Low stress
4] Regular testosterone injections
5] Plastic surgery
6] Perfect styling
7] Flattering light
8] A willing suspension of disbelief on the part of audiences
9] Money and power
10] Dying famous at age 27.
~~~
Nobody wins this war.
We can be in spectacular shape at 63, but we’re still 63 no matter how imaginatively anyone spins it.
This is a particularly tough pill to swallow for older men of health and means.
They can afford to travel, dine at 5-star establishments, buy expensive toys, and date beautiful young men and women.
But the problem is that they have very little time to do it before the other show drops.
Think older man’s version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for adults and this begins to make sense.
This is why denial is my generation’s crucible.
As most people know by now, there’s a phrase coined for 45-plus women on the dating scene – the Plankton Generation.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2022102/Why-struggle-single-women-45-meet-soulmate.html
It refers to women who are barely visible, and are “hanging at the bottom of the food chain” when it comes to attracting a mate.
It’s a derisive term, frankly, and one I’m not crazy about using.
But like most things in life aging-related, there’s no nice way of putting it.
Having said this, there are upsides depending on how you define “attracting a mate.”
I’ll explore those here…
~~~
It has been my experience that while older women find it difficult to find mates who fit their preferred profiles, they are better adapted to accepting – and making the very best of – the realities of aging.
According to Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, a noted Yale professor of psychology women’s lives get better with age, not worse. Rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide in women go down, not up, as women grow older, and she contributes that to the natural strengths women possess — coping skills, empathy, ability to listen, patience — which help them to tackle new problems and situations that arise as they age. It also gives them the courage to pursue new paths.
Men, on the other hand, have tremendous difficulty accepting aging.
First, they have a tendency not to maintain close friendships with other men, nor do the friendships they do have involve any meaningful degree of emotional intimacy and support.
Women, on the other hand, cherish and nurture their friendships with other women which helps them navigate life’s many stages.
“Contrary to women, men do not celebrate older age as a time of joy, love, and fulfillment for all they have worked for and grown to be over their lifetimes,” as Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema states.
Note: Among the older adults, who were facing the adversities that come with aging, the men showed less inclination to use these important coping skills compared to the women. In other words, older women were more likely than older men to tap their mental, emotional, and relational strengths to deal with adversity, which in turn left them less vulnerable to depression and anxiety in the face of difficulty.
Contrary to popular opinion, women over 50 tend to find their confidence and increased levels of satisfaction from within… not from without.
Even in the face of our cultural obsession with youth and beauty, older women place a greater emphasis and pride on their own maturity, experience and wisdom.
But, make no mistake: “women over 50 think they’re looking pretty good, too:” according to Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema’s study, women’s body images actually become more positive as they move from their 20s, 30s and 40s, into midlife.
While many men consider this deluded thinking, it works in women’s favor given their level of self-acceptance.
Put another way, while women may not get their immediate needs met, they more than make up for it through friendships and outside interests.
A few of the websites and blogs that are especially effective at reflecting the interests and concerns of women over 50 include:
The Art of Aging
Aging Abundantly
Fab After 50
The National Association of Baby Boomer Women (NABBW)
The Huffington Post/Aging
Fab Over Fifty
ThirdAge
wowOwow (Women on the Web)
StyleSubstanceSoul
MarryingGeorgeClooney
DailyPlateofCrazy
Good luck finding this many for men.
Writer Barbara Hannah Grufferman asked her friends on Facebook, Are women better at aging than men? and here’s what a few of them had to say (reprinted with their permission):
Barbara Briggs Ward: I think the tide has turned. Women are more in charge of their aging. They are no longer giving in to it. They run; walk; try new careers; eat well; find new loves. Age no longer means slowing down and retreating. Age does not define a woman-for better or worse. It only opens new doors for them. And I think all of this has given women an edge over the men who are used to doors always being open.
Denise Taylor Tremaine: You don’t ever hear, or rarely, of women going through a mid-life crisis… we handle everything with grace.
Kim Okerson: I agree that the social pressure on women is far greater, but it is up to each of us to have the grace and dignity to accept that our age is state of mind.
Connie Katon Wingo: The emotional impact of aging is difficult for men, I’d say. In their youth, they were able to have the perception of controlling their environment. Their identities as men were so often tied to their sexual perception and themselves. Their sex drive slows down, and for a great deal of men their “manhood,” is tied into their perception of their sexuality. Also, as men begin to age in the workforce, their roles begin to change and coping with the feeling of obsoleteness is frightening, possibly causing men to feel more insecure about aging.
Melody George: I dont think one gender has it over another on aging. I think with men and women it is equally daunting or exciting depending on the person.
Whatever your thoughts are on this… here’s the fundamental truth: the more we stick together, the happier we will be.
The unfortunate fact is that sticking together is something men simply don’t do well.
FINAL COMMENTS
As for the coping skills that older men do happen to have at their disposal, please note the following:
1] The ability to purchase and/or attract youth and beauty with money and power.
2] The distraction from existential pain using bigger homes, Aspen vacations and sports cars as leverage.
3] Hunting and fishing trips that get them out of the house and into the arms of escorts.
4] Online porn.
5] Routine testosterone therapy and plastic surgery.
Normal, well-adjusted older men have age-appropriate wives, children and grandchildren, for God’s sake.
They have vacation homes where everyone comes together at holidays and embraces all that life has given them.
They aren’t consumed with death and irrelevance – or both.
Their families are their relevance.
I know this is lost on most of you who read this blog, but these people do exist.
Of course, they’d bore you to death long before loneliness or depression took you down.
Buzz Bissinger, 60 with Caitlyn Jenner, 65
I thought this picture was interesting, so I decided to share it with you.
I have nothing more to say…other than the fact that enough money and success have a way of opening doors to behavior that might otherwise remain hidden behind pleated khakis and anonymous Internet hook-ups.
~~~
“I’m sitting at a white plastic table in front of a wine bar. It’s one o’clock on a Tuesday morning and an empty parking lot is the only landscape.
The streets are deserted.
Most guys my age are asleep. Their time came and went, and they let go in that unconscious way most men do when their stories have been told and the end is a long, drawn-out epitaph.
But, I stayed behind, along with the rest of the itinerants of the night.
I have no place to go that I haven’t already been, and nothing to do but wait and hope and sometimes pray for mercy that relevance and that one big love will one day redeem me, but it never does. Not really.
We’re beyond salvation. Most of us.
There have been exceptions, but the grace is never a hundred percent and you have to make peace with that the best you can.
We’re members of the bitten, the damned, the fighters against the forces of time until we no longer can.
Most of us are children of narcissists, narcissists who never died because narcissists never do—they’re just recycled and the kids are left to clean up the mess.
I wonder where all the time went. Time is all I have left to make a final stand.
I remember my first midlife crisis at 28. The rest is a blur.”
~~~
The “buzzword” for most men I know is relevance.
To my late father, it meant carrying a business card with his name on it next to “Chairman and CEO.”
This gave him relevance no matter what else happened to be going on in his life.
Symbols like these are the quintessential calling cards that legitimize driven, proud men.
It’s otherwise known as a good “back story” every man needs to get the right party invitations.
I inherited this “gene,” if you will, and continue to struggle with what it means to feel a viable part of a world I’ve already traversed a thousand times.
Aging rockers continue to tour long after the songs have been written and the money’s in the bank. They don’t know what else to do with themselves, and more importantly, the limelight is better than no light at all.
Movie producers keep producing movies because they want to feel like they have more stories to tell, that there’s still juice in the tank…that they’re still viable.
I even heard a guy in Aspen say that no matter how much money he had to throw around during ski season, he still felt invisible:
“Hell, $200 mil is a drop in the bucket for a lot of these people. I can’t win.”
What he was saying was that he felt invisible in a world where money and power and influence and connections are the sole determinants of human value.
Sadly, for many men this is the fuel that keeps the soul alive.
In case you’re wondering, I don’t exclude myself from any of this.
In 2013, 78 per cent of the 6,233 suicides registered in the UK were men. That’s a rate of 19 deaths per 100,000 population.
That more men take their own lives than women is not new. But in 1981 the men’s total was only about double, or just under, the women’s.
Now it’s nearly four times as many.
Since 2007, in fact, baby boomers have had the highest rate of suicide of any age group in the United States.
Historically, people between the ages of 40 and 64 have had one of the lowest rates.
To complicate matters, baby boomers are now sliding into the over-65 demographic, an age group that historically has had one of the highest suicide rates.
Making matters worse, suicides among middle-aged men with mental health issues have soared by 73% since 2006, which may be attributed to a combination of alcohol, job loss and debt, as compiled by the University of Manchester’s National Confidential Inquiry into Suicide and Homicide by People with Mental Illness.
Oh boy. Want more?
“Our findings show that within mental health care, middle-aged men are particularly at risk,” said Prof Louis Appleby, the director of NCISH who was formerly the government’s mental health tsar and leads the national suicide prevention strategy. “The problem is not simply that they don’t seek help – they are already under mental health care – so we have to understand better the stresses men in this age group face.”
How about this?
More men in the UK have died by suicide in the past year than all British soldiers fighting in all wars since 1945.
I’m neither a Sociologist or Psychiatrist. In fact, my only authority in this area is interpersonal exchange and an open heart, for which I have earned several Doctoral Degrees.
Men my age and socioeconomic niche are, generally speaking, over-achievers. They made their “piles” working hard, passionately over many years.
Many have been married and divorced a few times over.
The majority have children somewhere.
Now they’re smack in the middle of the Baby Boom generation, with nowhere to go and nothing to do that they haven’t already been done a thousand times before.
Only this time around, they’re older – a lot older – with far less time to enjoy life the way they did when the journey started.
It’s a small window of opportunity in which to reinvent oneself before everything becomes a hobble along a windswept beach on the edge of oblivion.
With this as a backdrop, here are my 5 top reasons middle-aged men off themselves:
1] Loneliness
Heterosexual men in mid-life are dependent primarily on female partners for emotional support.
One reason for this is that they’ve never explored anything beyond sports stats with their “friends.”
Women, on the other hand, maintain their independent relationships throughout life – divorce notwithstanding – which is one reason they outlive us.
To wit, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and two times higher among separated men compared to married.
This is the quintessential dichotomy about men: While we love sex, we love relationships more.
2]Reluctance to seek help
Professor Shirley Reynolds, from Reading University, said one of the reasons for the rise in suicides is the fact only around ’15 per cent of men with depression and anxiety seek help’.
Most men my age practice intimacy-avoidance. They’d rather swallow a pack of Gillette straight razors than open up about clinical depression.
For one thing, depression is not manly. Men don’t suffer depression unless it’s tied to warfare, in which case it’s called PTSD, an acceptable acronym.
Anything else is an indication that you’re either gay and in denial, or didn’t get into enough fistfights when you were a kid.
In either case, you’re screwed in the eyes of middle-aged frat boys who are themselves gay, and in denial.
3] Money
Okay, I know a few people who put bullets in their heads when the market crashed in 2008.
Not having any money after have a shit-ton of it sucks more than just about anything else, excluding colon cancer, which is a close second.
You lose your house, your cars, your vacations…and usually, your wife.
So now you have nothing at age “60” and have no interest in starting over at Dairy Queen.
I get it. Use the gun. 30 years mopping floors or flipping burgers just isn’t worth it.
Plus you’ll never get laid again as long as you do happen to live.
4] Feminism