The Inter-Generational Dating Equation [and make no mistake…it is an equation of both heart and common sense]

From the movie, “Irrational Man”

I have cited an article from “Mother Jones,” but I did found something worthy of mention in the context of the older man/younger woman meme.

http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2008/01/sugardaddycom-old-dogs-new-tricks

What happens when you get older is that people expect more from you in the way of cash. It’s how most guys validate themselves after time has taken it’s pound of flesh and what’s left is an investment portfolio.

With this in mind, younger women who date older men usually do so for the lifestyle.

This is not to say that they don’t appreciate the other qualities [i.e., maturity, experience, appreciation, etc…], but without the security, we’re pretty stuck dating women who look like they walked off the set of an arthritis commercial.

There are exceptions, of course, but not many.

Just run the actuarial numbers and this will start to make sense.

Anyway, I have an acquaintance who dates a much younger woman.

He pays her a set stipend each week in exchange for a girlfriend experience.

But guys who front-load like this are on thin ice.

They guide their decisions by the old bird in the hand mantra as if the bird in question weren’t a Tyrannosaur in drag.

The only way to avoid inevitable catastrophe is to let the relationship evolve over time, to stop pretending that your “girlfriend experience” is just a transaction.

This is because, after a while, it starts to feel real – to you, not her.

That’s the rub.

It’s fine to help someone out after you’ve gotten to know them well and trust their intentions.

But NEVER, EVER use your imagination when dealing with someone of motive.

As for the dollar bills in question, it’s been my experience that such men pay anywhere from $6000-$8000/ month – up to about $300,000/year for services rendered – at which point they usually marry with a golden parachute built into the pre-nup.

Is it prostitution?

Yes, of course it is.

My friends usually pay their women in cash and receive sexual favors in return.

But it’s also what’s referred to as a functional relationship by today’s standards among the older moneyed class.

The abnormal and maladjusted ones fall in love and live happily ever after, but I digress.

Advertising Agencies Fail to Capture Upscale Baby Boomer Market

I wake up this morning and head to the kitchen where the television is tuned to the news.

This is generally not a good thing as I prefer cartoons in the morning.

This notwithstanding, I’m in a good mood because today is my birthday and, for whatever reason, I’m not depressed about it.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that if I see one more pocket catheter ad I’m going to hurl!

Now they make them in “designer” colors and deliver them in discrete packaging that resembles a sex toy.

Then there’s this little kid, disabled and begging for money, the violins whining in the background.

It’s like a one-two punch and I haven’t had coffee.

The kid runs the numbers and says that for a contribution of just $30 a month, you can his ass.

“That’s just $1 a day to save me and kids like me, or just 50 cents a day if you spread it out over the course of 2 months. And for a one-time contribution, it’s almost nothing at all.”

But I’m still not budging because I hate the fact that advertising agencies use kids as weapons for cash.

Then there are the cancer patients, all with stories of triumph to share after visiting this hospital or that.

And did I mention wounded vets in wheelchairs, brain damaged, trying to live with dignity in the face of colossal odds?

Rounding things out are the personal injury attorneys asking you whether or not you’ve recently died as a result of taking this or that drug as you may be entitled to compensation.

Call 1-800-BAD-DRUG or some such shit.

It’s brutal.

I’m a Baby Boomer.

They got that part right.

But I don’t use pocket catheters – or catheters at all.

I’m not disabled.

I give to the charities of my choosing with or without the ads.

I also have a attorneys for a wide range of issues, should anything come up.

So I have no idea who the hell these ads are targeting.

And that guy from “24” who keeps telling me to buy gold is an embarrassment.

It is very clear to me that these ads are focused in on the infirm, the elderly, and the flat out dead who apparently still watch television.

So where are the ads of interest to me and my peers?

They keep talking Baby Boomer this, Baby Boomer that and I’m still out of the loop.

It’s like my entire generation is invisible to Madison Avenue.

With this in mind, here’s what I want to hear about because, unlike the others, it’s relevant [and therefore not an embarrassment] to me and my peers:

1] Luxury hotel properties.

2] Automobiles most of us drive [i.e., not Buick].

3] Home automation systems [Think security from a cellphone].

4] Inter-Generational dating sites [i.e., Duh]

5] Private-only healthcare providers [Why wait in line?]

6] 5-star home service providers, including all of them [i.e., where’s the best plumber when you need one?]

7] Spa and wellness centers [i.e., places to relax, rejuvenate, and restore].

8] Disease prevention and nutrition [not ads with people in wheelchairs dying from one thing or another].

10] Anything that doesn’t involve retirement, which most of us consider “death in slow motion,” [UrbanDystrophy, the book].

And finally, #11:

11] Whether it’s AARP – or the CDC – please dear God, hire Baby Boomers in advertising who actually get it.

Thank you.

Every Woman Over 50 Should Practice Bisexuality [According to Huffington Post Article]

A 2014 article in the Huffington Post written by Arlene Schindler suggests that older women should explore their bisexuality as an alternative to their oftentimes frustrating experiences with men.

One path is referred to as “affectional bonding” or AB.

No wonder they outlive us.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arlene-schindler-/cuddle-parties_b_4800176.html

The findings of the latest National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL) reveals that the number of women reporting same-sex partners has increased from 1.8% to 7.9% over the past 20 years. Sexual lifestyles in Britain have changed substantially in the past 60 years, with changes in behavior seeming to be greater in women than men, most notably the continuation of sexual activity into later life.

After enough time passes and older women find themselves unable to establish relationships with quality, age appropriate men, “affectional bonding” begins to make sense.

According to the article, most women are already naturally bi-curious when it comes to sex; 60 percent were sexually attracted to other women; 45 percent had kissed a woman and 50 percent had fantasies about the same sex. This suggests that women may be more capable of finding people attractive, no matter what orientation they claim. Additionally, it becomes more pronounced as they get older. Approaching mid-life, “AB” makes a lot of sense.

And now, for the anti-male punchline:

Ladies, tired of the hairy chest? Try the softer touch. Has erectile dysfunction got you down and disappointed? Try reframing your options. With affectional bonding, enjoy everything you ever wanted without the messy clean-up.

You can read the rest of the article for yourself and draw your own conclusions.

OVERVIEW

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you know by now that nothing is a panacea.

Single-hood is tough because you feel emotionally disconnected from the world. It can drain your spirit, fracture your faith in humanity, jade your perceptions.

But the same can be said of toxic relationships.

So we struggle to find balance no matter where it takes us.

Having said this, for men in my particularly peer group, I suggest you contact your attorney and investment counselor before doing anything where the consequences are more expensive than a transient escape.

What’s So Gross About Madonna?

In women, experience isn’t a carbon credit for lost time.

There’s very little to say about this that hasn’t already been said a thousand times, so I’ll just post the link from The Daily Beast, written by Samantha Allen.

You can also type “Madonna” into the search bar on this site for further commentary on the Queen of Pop or whatever.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/04/14/what-s-so-gross-about-madonna-getting-older-it-seems.html

In Men, the Loss of Youth and Beauty are Replenished by Gains in Affluence

I’m twisting the intended narrative here, but the illustration to the left represents how most successful men visualize their roles in the context of the human food chain.

It’s called EGO because it supersedes logic in human populations.

Of course, if you’re rich, it can be argued that ego denotes empirical proof that delusion is everything but.

The illustration to the right is what reality looks and feels like after enough therapy and modest financial success.

Fortunately for men, financial success provides a way out of this existential nightmare, which is not to suggest that once handsome men don’t mourn the erosion of physical beauty, but money can often slow the process to a crawl.

Not so for women whose appearance is considered tantamount to good mental health, therapy notwithstanding.

With this as a backdrop, here is how the evolutionary process has played out for me, a successful Baby Boomer.

Without coming across as a conceited jerk, I was a very handsome young man. I dated pretty much anyone I wanted to date and became accustomed to attracting admirers every time I entered a room. Over time I learned to feed from the positive reflection, the energy that followed me around like a force field. Then as I got older, things changed, and I learned the hard way that while youth and money are the consummate fate, they rarely occur simultaneously. So I had figure out how to balance my assets.

~~~

THE BALANCING OF HUMAN ASSETS IS A UNIQUELY MALE PHENOMENON

Unlike women, men are able to age gracefully as long as the money holds up.

Put another way, money carries with it a certain preternatural quality that enables men to sidestep the aging process well into the final chapters.

In my experience, the reasoning goes something like this:

1] Women tend to be more inspired by what they feel ratter than what they see with their eyes.

[Note: This change takes place as women approach their late 20’s and are still unmarried and not in possession of a 7-figure investment portfolio.]

2] Security is like a opiate for women. Flashbacks occur over every stage of life reminding them that without it they are lost.

3] Wealthy older men can pretty much date anyone they want utilizing success and hubris as leverage.

On a very fundamental level, women see this and begin to feel that their greatest assets are, in fact, youth and beauty and that women in possession of such qualities tend to land in the better neighborhoods.

See, it isn’t that aging women fear death. It’s the fear that aging and losing the power of beauty eclipses all of their other accomplishments, mostly because it does.

For men, their accomplishments play an almost seamless stand-in for whatever time took.

Of course, all of us get screwed after enough water’s passed under the bridge.

But we’re far from maligned over a few wrinkles and gray hair.

In the end, it’s what we’ve accomplished that stands the test of time.

So while older women report feelings of irrelevance, invisibility and fear as they age, older men tend to report similar things when they’re financially challenged.

Riffing Off the Past: How Some Boomers Stay Relevant

Jan 18, 2009; Glendale, AZ, USA; NFL on FOX analyst Terry Bradshaw during the trophy presentation following the NFC Championship Game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium. The Cardinals won the game 32-25 to advance to Super Bowl XLIII. Mandatory Credit: Chris Morrison-US PRESSWIRE [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

Mandatory Credit: Chris Morrison-US PRESSWIRE [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

If I were a famous retired pro athlete trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, I might consider a career in sportscasting.

I’d have immediate sponsorship interest, and therefore, a viable shot at chapter 2 of an already illustrious career.

I could also have a home life and time to travel, given the fact that sportscasting isn’t exactly a 9-5 job.

We see this all the time within the ranks of the rich and famous.

In fact, some say “once famous, always so.”

America loves underdogs, particularly those who’ve already climbed the mountain and are ready to do it all over again.

But what about a guy who was successful in something that didn’t earn him international fame, notoriety, and thus, cultural relevance?

His commodity value is now relative to what he did, not what he wants to do now that his career is, for all intents and purposes, over.

And people wonder why so many successful older men freak out.

I’ll elaborate…[and offer a few solutions].

~~~

The 45 to 64 group that makes up nearly half of all new startups in the country, increasing 19 percent since 1996. The older market has seen the most significant growth over the last 15 years.

But as we all know, starting up a new business isn’t a cakewalk for most.

For one thing, there’s FUNDING.

If you’re not famous, you’re less likely to have sponsors beating down the doors.

Adding fuel to the fire, you got your butt kicked in the downturn and are less willing to risk retirement savings on a new venture that’s by it’s very nature, risky.

The next issue is WORK-LIFE BALANCE.

Rigid schedules, family sacrifices…the realities of doing what you had to do at the beginning of the journey.

If you’re not Terry Bradshaw, you need to know that no one’s doing anything but you – probably 12 hours a day.

This dovetails nicely with the final issue: BOUNDARIES.

You may be good at one thing, but not something else…like managing people.

You could outsource, but that’s not cheap and you still have to oversee the work.

SUMMARY

If you’re not already rich and famous, get used to the IRS considering anything you do a hobby.

They’re not dumb.

They know you won’t risk more than you absolutely have to, and that after a certain point you see it as something you enjoy that also helps defray taxes.

This is why they assess a “hobby” tax on successful older people who try to start new businesses and then write off the losses.

No one in their right mind wouldn’t do this since so much money is already being spent trying to make something work.

From personal experience, all I can tell you is this:

1] If you’re not rich and famous and had a career that is still viable, try consulting.

I know lots of retired lawyers who do freelance consulting on the side.

All you need is a cellphone and list of contacts – not a brick and mortar structure filled with expensive equipment and people.

2] If you don’t mind breaking even, or operating at a slight loss, understand that eventually you will have to pay the IRS for your indulgences.

3] If you are rich and famous, do whatever the hell you want.

While you’ll still have to show up once in a while, you’ll still feel relevant.

Just ask Keith Richards.

Successful Older Men Don’t “Choose” Younger Women

As covered in my new release, Urban Dystrophy [@Amazon], older men don’t point a finger and “choose” who they date, unless the woman in question is a prostitute with a voracious pimp.

There are no guns to anyone’s head, no coercion, no blackmail…and more often than not, no voodoo.

There are simply two people standing in the same space with motives of their own.

But no matter what those motives happen to be, women call the shots. Period. End of discussion.

The last time I felt deceived into believing that I called the shots was back in my 20’s, fueled by piss, vinegar and testosterone in equal measure.

Since that time, things have changed…for the better, frankly.

To say the very least, I’m happy not to be a woman in her 50’s scouring the earth for Prince Charming.

With this in mind, author Renee Fisher recently penned a tongue-in-cheek article titled, “Why Older Men Should Date Younger Women.”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renee-fisher/why-older-men-should-date-younger-women_b_6938060.html

In it she posits 10 reasons why such paradigms “work.”

I will list them and follow with a reality-as-I-know-it discussion.

While I don’t have academic credentials working with people involved in age gap relationships, I have at least 3 doctorates in practical experience.

Before I start, allow me to offer some perspective on where Ms. Fisher is coming from…

She begins with “Women over the age of 50 have been complaining ever since their 50th birthday parties that men their age prefer younger women.”

This is what’s referred to as a set-up, as in you’re being set up to see things from a certain perspective, especially if you’re a female Baby Boomer who’s dating experiences mirror hers.

So here goes:

1. Younger women are universally hot and want sex all the time, except when they are reminding you to take your meds, cooking you great meals or sitting with you in front of the TV, watching all your favorite sports teams in action.

COMMENTS: While it is true that young women are universally hot, it has been my experience that sex happens at the same frequency it does in age-relevant relationships. I might also add that i am usually the one reminding the younger women in my life to take their meds, to learn how to cook, and to seek counseling for texting addiction. Nothing’s a panacea.

2. Younger women can explain all of the latest music, social media trends and technology to you in a way you can completely understand and appreciate.

COMMENTS: My girlfriend is a computer geek, and while I’m fluent in most geek-speak, getting her to explain something is like pulling teeth from a dragon.

3. Younger women would prefer to be in bed by 9 P.M., rather than going out to a trendy club.

COMMENTS: In spite of the obvious satire here, the younger women I’ve known are into health and fitness and enjoy evenings in front of computers, not bartenders.

4. Younger women take a sincere interest in learning everything they can about the ’50s and ’60s and ’70s.

COMMENTS: Why would I care whether or not someone took an interest in my generation’s formative years? All I have to do is keep an eye on my classic rock collection before it ends up in someone else’s classic rock collection.

5. Younger women love to give massages (while they are naked), apply medicinal salves and ointments to you (while they are naked), and are masters at cleaning your ears and cutting your hair (while they are naked)

COMMENTS: The only women of any age I know who do this are paid in cash.

6. Younger women are attracted to men who are paying alimony and/or child support.

COMMENTS: Younger women are attracted to men who can afford to pay their bills, all of them.

7. Younger women become easily aroused by nose and ear hair and reruns of “Gilligan’s Island.”

COMMENTS: Like women of all ages, grooming is something everyone expects to the same degree, and the last I checked, my girlfriend and I watch the same television shows.

8. Younger women know all the latest clothing styles, but prefer men who wear shorts, black socks and Crocs.

COMMENTS: At this writing my entire wardrobe consists of John Varvatos, Vince and Prada.

9. Younger women are universally hot and stay that way, no matter what.

COMMENTS: By the time I’m 80, my girlfriend will still be incredibly hot. So yes, she’s spot-on here.

10. The most compelling reason for the older man/younger woman scenario is the maturation rate of women vs men.

COMMENTS: The suggestion that sexual attraction to younger women somehow denotes immaturity is the same reason our planet hosts billions of human inhabitants.

In this sense, yea, we should probably all be in therapy.

~~~

“When you live as long as affluent men do, as well as they do, you can’t help but expect more out of life. A successful career is one thing, but just because you can afford beachfront property doesn’t mean you want to spend it with someone who reminds you that one day soon you’ll be buried underneath it.” Urban Dystrophy, Chapter 25, May/December.

Top 10 Baby Boomer Myths – Separating Fact from Stereotype

I don’t know about you, but every time I see an ad targeting my generation [those born between 1946 and 1964], I feel like an outsider peering into another universe.

The couple above is what most people of the aforementioned generation are supposed to look like – at least the oldest among us. And I suppose that for many, this is relatively accurate.

I don’t know them, but I am told they exist.

While I’m not a “tie guy” or corporate raider, this couple more closely resembles my demographic.

With these misconceptions aside, let’s take a closer look at even more of them:

10 MOST COMMON MYTHS ABOUT BABY BOOMERS

1] Boomers are all the same.

Hardly, as evidenced by the disparity of the couples in the above photographs.

In fact, I’m sure THE ONLY COUPLES I know that resemble the first one are in television ads.

2] Boomers are the “Me” generation.

More so than Millennials? Gimme a break.

70 percent of Boomers say they have a responsibility to make the world a better place, and 57 percent say they try to buy from companies that give back to their communities.

3] Boomers Technically Challenged.

In case people forgot, Boomers were in the workforce during the evolution of computers, email and the internet, and were the first to understand the value of technology.

82 percent of us are online and 64 percent of us have been online from the outset.

Our online activities include instant messaging, downloading music or movies, financial transactions and online gaming…among others.

4] Boomers are winding down with age.

Is this a joke or what?

Most Boomers I know are working more now that they have money than they did before they had a dime.

The typical Boomer in my world goes to the gym regularly, travels a lot (“60 million took at least one trip last year”), and attends live sporting events (“22 million” by most estimates).

I could go on.

5] Boomers are all wealthy

Collectively Boomers are the wealthiest generation in history.

But it also bears noting that only 9 percent are truly affluent (defined as having pre-tax incomes of $150,000 or more if working, or $100,000 or more if retired).

In fact, one quarter of Boomers have no savings or investments at all, which I know is shocking to most of you who read this blog.

6] Boomers are brand loyal and will not switch

Total crap.

Boomers are just as likely as younger cohorts to experiment with new products. They are actually paying attention to advertising for new products, and 61 percent of Boomers agree that “in today’s marketplace, it doesn’t pay to be loyal to one brand,” compared with 62 percent of those age 18-41.

7] You can capture Boomers with mainstream advertising

Boomers are paying attention to advertising, and 66 percent say that ads have gotten more crude in recent years and another 67 percent say they are less likely to purchase a product if they find the advertising offensive.

23 percent say they consider ads that are geared toward their age group insulting.

Can you blame them?

Turn on any news channel and all you hear about are pocket catheters.

8] Most Boomers are married empty nesters

Only about 1 in 4 Boomers fit the profile of married with adult children who have left home.

37 percent of Boomers still have children under 18 in the home – and one-third of Boomers are single.

Doing the math, that’s tens of millions.

9] Boomers are downsizing their homes

Few Boomers I know ever downsize anything.

Despite the image of older consumers “winding down” as the years progress and simplifying their lives and homes, just 6 percent of Boomers are planning to be living in a smaller residence five years from now.

Moreover, 76 percent plan to live in either a same-sized (their current home or a new home of the same size) or larger home, often much larger, usually with an infinity pool and outdoor hot tub.

10] Boomers are retiring early

Contrary to much of the attention given to the first Boomers’ turning 62 this year and being eligible to take Social Security benefits early, in reality very few Boomers are planning to stop working entirely when they reach retirement age – only 11 percent.

And of those Boomers who know what they are planning to do when they reach retirement age (some two-thirds), 72 percent plan to work either part (65 percent) or full-time (7 percent) after they reach retirement age.

SUMMARY

Most of what you read about Baby Boomers is grossly inaccurate, and this is surprising given the fact that so much effort is put forth marketing to a generation holding the lion’s share of wealth.

When I watch commercials targeting my generation, I just assume it’s target the generation before because I simply cannot relate.

This is not about denial, by the way, though I’m sure there is an element of that in everything we say, do, and feel.

With all of this in mind…

HERE ARE THE 10 MOST COMMON REALITIES OF BABY BOOMERS [LIKE ME]:

1] We tend to date, and, sometimes marry, women much younger than ourselves.

2] Relevance is our crucible, therefore we never stop working, achieving…having something interesting to say at cocktail functions.

3] We’re sensitive to stereotyping and won’t spend a dime on anyone who doesn’t respect our sense of cultural sovereignty.

4] We still listen to Zeppelin, but aren’t opposed to new music that involves musicians playing actual instruments.

5] Many of us can kick your butt in the gym.

6] We don’t mind someone else picking up the tab even if we can buy and sell them a hundred times.

7] Shaving, waxing and laser hair removal are all considered normal maintenance regimens to most of us.

8] 100% of us own notebook computers, desktop computers, Iphones or Droids, Ipads or mobile readers, and bluetooth-enabled headphones.

9] 99% of us drive at least one of the following 5 automobiles: Land Rover, Jaguar, Mercedes, BMW and Porsche.

10] Among my generation, testosterone supplementation is beginning to rival water consumption.

~~~

Is Madonna Really Wearing a Mouthful of Grills?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3336303/Madonna-sports-chic-fedora-bizarre-teeth-grills-enjoying-Spanish-Thanksgiving-lookalike-son-Rocco-duo-sport-hair-style.html

No one would accuse Madonna of being a slouch, resting on her laurels and so on…

She works incessantly, travels the world tour after tour after grueling tour.

But no matter how much Madonna tours, she is still 57, not 25.

Hello memo.

The harder she tries to be chronologically seamless, the farther away she lands.

Racing with the devil is a fool’s errand someone who loves her obviously neglected to mention.

Grills? Seriously?

If my 83-year-old mother wore grills, I’d have her committed.

But for Madonna, it’s an unintended tragic pantomime she can afford to ignore.

Delusion, after all, isn’t against the law.

But even Madonna can’t buy back the bad press.

Sadly, she’s become an embarrassment to the Baby Boom.

Not her accomplishments, not her work ethic, not her contribution to the world of Pop.

But everything else.

If my generation’s greatest fear is maintenance of personal dignity, Madonna is our crucible.

So again, it’s all about money, honey, delusion notwithstanding.

The Most Annoying People In The Gym […and a few good ones thrown in for good measure]

I found this article on t-nation.com about gym etiquette amusing, so I thought I’d share it with you.

Most of it targets the behavior of all age demographics, so I’ve slightly twisted it in the direction of the Baby Boom.

Many are cliches pushed to the extreme, but many cliches are extreme without having to be pushed at all.

Here’s the article:

https://www.t-nation.com/powerful-words/10-most-annoying-people-in-the-gym

~~~

1] The Misplaced Crossfitter

After enough testosterone supplementation, many Baby Boomers – both men and women – re-emerge as adolescents and hit the gym like banshees, attempting complex exercises like box jumps and weighted wall balls they see performed by people half their age on Youtube. They attempt to perform them publicly as if no one will notice the sad realities of their efforts. I witnessed one 50-something guy jumping up and down like a Wallaby in what appeared to be a trance. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled and hopped away. I discovered later on that he just received his first testosterone injections a week ago, and like someone stuck in Purgatory for 30 years, was euphoric over his discovery of a portal back to planet earth.

2] The Phone Zombie

Many older guys use gyms as workplaces. I’m still not convinced they aren’t suffering some psychiatric disability, the whole thing a pantomime played out using a dead phone. Relevance is found in some of the most unlikely places. Whatever the issue, they are certainly consistent, and therefore, memorable. In fact, offering even the vaguest description will elicit a knowing response. In deference to one man in particular, he is having an actual conversation with someone on the other end of the line, but he is so often on the phone that he is now clinically deaf.

3] The Newbie Steroid User

Most of these people begin a steroid regimen to drop body fat without having to spend hours in a gym. They also hope to revitalize their flagging sex lives which certain physicians’ promises of restoring them in exchange for $30,000 a year. Most of these people drop out of sight when their PSA levels rival the national debt and/or they lose a pile in a market downturn.

4] Just About Anyone Doing a Kettlebell Swing

Most older men have no idea what the hell they’re doing in the gym. Without help from a personal trainer, they are like cattle on the edge of a cliff in a hurricane. They’re painful to watch and there is always the temptation to offer guidance. But it has been my experience that guidance is often perceived as a kind of narcissistic wound to men of hubris and resources accustomed to people’s fear and respect in the workplace. Physicians who should know better are some of the worst offenders, as usual. I could get into the irony here.

One old dude threw a cable grip in my direction.

5] The Dumbbell Rack Blocker

I am guilty of this. There are times when I use one end of a dumbbell rack to perform single-arm pulls. But I am also aware of who’s around me. If I see someone lingering near the rack, I’ll move. The point is that many gym newbies [read: older guys who’ve spent their lives in offices and are now on gym floors at the insistence of their primary care physicians] are slow on the uptake, and even indignant towards anyone expecting them to budge.

6] The Bros

I work out around a bunch of older men and women who were – at one time or another – gym addicted. Most of us are now in recovery, but this still doesn’t stop us from spending two hours a day enabling one another. We make a lot of noise when the weights get heavy, but the experience is cathartic, and, in our minds, fine as long as we don’t technically kill anyone.

7] Mr. Octa Set

Some guys attempt to commandeer a 1000 square foot area of the gym in order to perform a particular routine. Most of them are the usual suspects: Affluent and entitled Boomers who are used to having things their way. Fortunately for people like myself, I am comfortable ignoring their boundaries and leading them back to therapy without much in the way of tact.

8] The Crappy Personal Trainer

At my health club there are a few personal trainers who spend more time discussing personal issues with their clients than training them. But this is not the fault of the trainer. When a client is will to pay $100 and hour of someone’s time, they run the show. Of course, the trainer can always fire the client, but it doesn’t make much financial sense as you can imagine. I do happen to know certain personal trainers who won’t train clients that aren’t serious, but I have found that they tend to work less hours.

9] The Talker

My gym caters to an affluent clientele, many of whom are trust fund babies who’ve never held a job, and therefore, have no concept of boundaries. The rest are either psychiatric outpatients or narcissists who’ve never seen a therapist.

10] The Creeper

True story: One day I was in the gym on the stretching mats when I noticed an older man with his junk on full display. A woman next to me happened to notice it at the same moment and immediately deflected her young daughter’s attention avoiding what would inevitably become full blown PTSD. Anyway, I’m not certain whether such men are exhibitionists or just plain senile. I can envision a police interrogation where the officers just shake their heads when the man starts babbling incoherently about the stock market when questioned about a sexually perverse act. Long story short, I reported the incident to the management and I’m told that he now wears undergarments.

Okay, so here are three of my own Pet Peeves:

11] Old Ladies With Too Much Perfume

This one is self-explanatory, but thankfully easily remedied over a private discussion with management. I have, at times, felt almost enveloped in what smells like scented mustard gas as my lungs cry out for mercy at the handiwork of a mortician.

12] People Who Read Newspapers While Performing Leg Presses

At more upscale health clubs, this is a commonplace practice. The idea is to be in the gym as directed by one’s primary care physician while also getting a little of what the client wants, which is to not be there at all.

13] People With Antisocial Personality Disorder

Maybe it’s just me, but I see health clubs as urban ecosystems that run according to the sum of their constituent parts. Saying hello is not going to kill anyone. It’s common courtesy if nothing else in an environment filled with people you see every day.

With this in mind, there is one particularly cross older man with a distended midsection that he attempts to conceal with 5x t-shirts pregnant emblazoned with messages of anarchy. He never speaks, never blinks, and always stares straight ahead like a zombie zeroing in on a kill. This guy typifies APD and should be referred immediately to the nearest psychiatric facility. Thankfully, the only other people who come across even remotely this way are cross fitters who relish the outcast model.

Okay, now for the most awesome people in the gym!

11] Elderly People

Older men and women who go to the gym religiously have the respect of everyone. I’ve never heard a single negative comment or complaint unless the person in question farts, in which case the whole age thing comes up.

12] The Quiet Beasts

Most bodybuilders I know are quiet beasts. They are men of few words [in the gym], focused, serious, and only cordial under duress. I don’t particularly like them [in the gym], but I do admire their determination.

13] Women Who Kick Ass

There is nothing more inspiring than women kicking ass next to us. Taking this a step further, I would prefer a gym filled with nothing but buff women in tights. I mean just for the inspiration and all.

14] Fat People

It’s hard to beat on a fat person when they’re in the gym trying to climb out of their bodies. It’s a Promethean task no one takes on unless their lives depend on it.

15] Injured and Disabled People

God bless these people for getting back into the world and fighting for their dignity. They’re a lesson to all of us to be thankful that a couple of inches off the waist is all we have to accomplish.

A FINAL COMMENT ON OLD PEOPLE IN THE GYM

Everyone understands the inherent grumpiness seen in the aged, but no one appreciates it. From a psychiatric perspective, you have to understand that many of these old men were once “somebody:” Heads of companies, surgeons, lawyers and so on. They had the respect of their peers and their community. No one questioned their validity, their relevance. This is why many men refuse to retire. The rest face a downhill slalom into invisibility and irrelevance and what you see in their sour demeanor is the loss of something they spent their lives building. I feel sorry for these men. While they go to the gym to stay physically relevant, they’re dead everywhere else.

December 2024
S	M	T	W	T	F	S
« Feb
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30	31