5 Steps to “Relevance” at Any Age

hollywoodvampires1] Be a famous rock ‘n roll musician

2] Be a famous actor

3] Write a bestselling novel that becomes a blockbuster movie.

4] Create a new social media platform, like Facebook.

5] Be a famous talk show host, because that’s what talk show hosts are…

Okay, okay I get it. Not everyone is a multi-millionaire celebrity actor-rock star-writer-creator-talk show host….blah blah blah…

But understand that not being in one of the aforementioned categories constitutes being “nobody’ in the context of popular culture.

Seriously.

Of course, most thinking people know that “relevance” isn’t measured by popular culture, though graduate level courses may soon be required to clear up the confusion.

MANIFESTATIONS OF THE PATHOGEN

Post something mildly controversial to any online article and you can count on someone responding with something along the lines of “Who are you?” “Go back to your dead end job!” “You’re a nobody! How much do you make?”

Of course, they could be addressing someone who discovered the cure for Tuberculosis, but it wouldn’t matter because they assume that people who do great things are on the cover of People Magazine, like the rest of the gods, beyond the breath and scope of man.

This is the voice of America’s collective unconscious: We are invisible. We don’t matter. No one cares.

This psycho-pathology then takes a dangerous turn: “I have to make them care. I have to make them notice me. I have to make myself matter [to them, not to me, because I can’t validate myself].”

Road rage is another manifestation of this nightmare: “You think I’m nobody? “Not for long, MF!”

Then the manifestos left by people who commit mass murder in schoolyards: “You will remember me. I will live forever!”

~~~

All of this is the back noise of our culture that affects people of all ages, races and creeds to one degree or another.

Take affluent older men, for example.

What makes them relevant if they happen not to fall into the aforementioned categories?

1] A desire – and ability to – engage people of all ages.

2] Staying in shape, serious shape.

3] Reading, listening, learning always.

4] Knowing technology, the lifeblood of our era. 

5] Refusing to babble on about artificial hips, aching joints, and dead and dying friends.

6] Challenging themselves every day, even if it’s sitting still and at peace for 5 minutes a day.

7] Throwing their shoulders back and moving forward like they mean it, not like someone’s dragging them.

8] Staying clear of convention when it suits them.

9] Going to therapy to help separate self-perception from delusion.

10] Not allowing other people to determine how they feel about themselves. 

People admire those who aren’t affected by other people, who live their own lives, true to themselves.

“There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate . . . up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.” Bill Murray in Rolling Stone interview

http://thenewdaily.com.au/entertainment/2014/11/06/bill-murray-worlds-regular-guy/

We can’t change our actual age, be we can certainly change the way we approach it.

I challenge destiny every day of my life.

I also challenge beliefs [my own included], tackle misconceptions, and don’t let life roll over me.

It will if you let it.

Remember, life is a food chain and you are dinner unless you matter more alive.

How Success Changes Middle Aged Men

Male Grooming Arnold Ferrier Photo Bill Morton

Male Grooming Arnold Ferrier Photo Bill Morton

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2893083/Would-let-husband-shave-chest-growing-trend-middle-aged-men-wives-say.html

As you will note in the article [above], chest shaving has become commonplace.

It’s also one of many manifestations of what many middle-aged men do once they have achieved a considerable measure of success.

Without that one element [success], there is no rationale for self-idolatry.

~~~

I know this guy in the restaurant business.

When he started out, it was all humility; dressing down, shaking hands, strung out in the quest for relevance.

Then over time and a lot of hard work, his efforts paid off.

He became the proud co-owner of a successful string of hip urban bistro’s with lots of national notice.

Eventually, like others of new-found success, he upgraded his car, his home…his lifestyle.

But something else happened as well: He changed his appearance. All of it.

His once thin frame now boasts long, lean muscle wrapped in a bronze glaze.

His chest, arms, back and legs are completely shaven.

His clothing went from $16 Haynes 100% cotton Tees to $180 John Varvatos V-Neck Jersey Knits.

His Timex “Ironman” was replaced with an assortment of bracelets of various materials and designs; the accouterments of celebrities, rock stars…and wealthy older men who don’t have to care what you think of them, which is how you know they’ve “arrived.”

Gone are the days of the obligatory handshake with a smile.

That’s also been upgraded to a certain vibe of self-righteous aloofness suggestive of someone who now resents how much ass they had to kiss to get to where they are, and now its payback time.

~~~

Without success, older men fade.

They don’t have the fuel to propel change.

In this sense, success is like a transfusion.

While average people adapt to circumstances and resign themselves to an average existence, successful tend to men stand out in crowds.

Even those who practice humility cannot hide the lining of confidence that follows them wherever they go.

In a way, they’re like beacons of hope in an otherwise paralyzing existential nightmare.

And people wonder why The Kardashians are America’s first family.

“Midlife Crisis” Applies to Both Genders

 

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When I was 28 I ran into a guy at my gym who happened to be 33, which, at the time, I considered “old.”

Then I did the math and that very afternoon had my first midlife crisis.

Back then older men were out of shape, heavy drinkers, Viceroy smokers…and resigned to life’s inevitable destiny, which was usually just around the corner.

Then as I got older I noticed that the boundaries became a lot more flexible.

~~~

First identified by Elliot Jacques in 1965 – around the time The Beatles were in the studio working on “Rubber Soul” – the term “midlife crisis” became widely known after it began to be used by Freudian psychologists.

Among them was Carl Jung, who considered it a normal part of adult maturation — the time during which people “took stock of themselves.”

In other words, “What have I done with my life? And furthermore, “Is it enough to pave the way for reasonably healthy self-esteem?”

Jung placed this period in life midway between adulthood and the end of life, which today is anybody’s guess.

Then Erik Erikson, the theorist known for creating the “8 Stages of Development,” explained it as a transition during the stage he called “middle adulthood.”

As I see it, it’s a kind of Post-Modern Renaissance where things like depression, anxiety, and increased alcohol and drug use lead to relief through psychotherapy and medication.

But distraction is not the same as, so many focus their attention on things like hookers and Vicodin that don’t remind them of where they actually are.

But there is a lot of debate these days over whether this crisis is biologically or environmentally based, some believing it is primarily triggered by signs of physical aging [i.e., feeling trapped in a body they no longer recognize], loss of potency for men, and a crappy investment portfolio.

In my view, it’s a little of both.

1] We live longer, so we have more time to contemplate reality, which everyone agrees is a bad idea when you’re no longer 25.

2] We expect to be happier than we should be for middle aged adults, so we spend an inordinate amount of time looking for it.

No one is happier at middle age than we are as young men and women no matter what we tell ourselves.

No wonder everyone is always talking about the virtues of acceptance.

If that makes you happy, great.

Life gives and takes in equal measure. Get used to it.

3] The changing gender roles left men and women financially co-dependent, so while women are today just as likely to have extramarital affairs, buy sports cars and act like juvenile delinquents, we see that the divorce rates are dropping because it isn’t worth the financial hit.

Better to keep the 7-figure house and country club membership than go back to apartment living.

So now who’s “midlife crisis” is it?

We’re both in an emerging maturity crisis and it’s not pretty.

NOTES

Midlife crisis is a term first coined by Elliott Jaques referring to a critical phase in human development during the forties to early sixties, based on the character of change points, or periods of transition. The period is said to vary among individuals and between men and women. Despite popular perception of this phenomenon, empirical research has failed to show that the midlife crisis is a universal experience, or even a real condition at all.

Erik Erikson’s 8 Stages of Development:

psychosocial-stagesHow it manifests in men and women:

Men I know revisit their childhoods with 1000 times the cash and only a modicum of additional maturity. They buy houses and cars, take lots of vacations, have their bodies waxed and sculpted, and purchase Filipino prostitutes on the Internet hoping they will love them for who they are.

Older women bond with other single women through travel, book clubs and social events.

Clearly, they are better at acceptance than are men, and, at this writing, usually inherit their estates.

Rebirth Underway for Baby Boomers!

daninudgymDan Housey, 58, in New Orleans

This site has become a beacon for Baby Boomers who work hard, play hard and live right.

Winners, all of them.

Images like this one sent to me yesterday make all the hard work we do around here worth the effort.

Onward!

Congratulations, Dan!

Note: Feel free to share this on social media.

On Health and Fitness, Boomers Enter Uncharted Waters [music to the ears of our physicians]

2014-10-14-BabyBoomerHousing_HP

When you’re 21, nobody tells you what you can, or can’t – or, probably shouldn’t – do.

At 60, nobody has the vaguest idea.

~~~

Upon the referral of a medical acquaintance at my health club, I went in to see a new Internist.

By the way, I already have a couple of internists, but I figure 3 is better than 2 and so on.

“He’ll take good care of you” I was assured.

In other words, he was someone who would understand my situation.

In the parlance of older men like me, understanding my situation roughly translates, “Understanding the psychopathology of older men living life like there’s no tomorrow, because, as a practical matter, there isn’t.”

Obviously, this is not literal. But in the context of what men think of “living,” a few years down the road is the opposite.

It’s really kind of Buddhist, but since we don’t live like Buddhists the allusion only works at cocktail functions after about two hours of drinking and fudging accomplishments.

Back to the Internist, I enter the plush setting situated at ground zero of an uber-expensive zip code, and am handed a few pages to sign that have everything to do with money and nothing whatsoever to do with health.

“I _______ agree to pay Internist $500/Hour for consultation, or prorated increments thereof.”

Furthermore, “I_______ understand that insurance is not accepted, except in the case of blood work, in which case insurer shall cover the cost of such services.”

Okay, so I wanted personalized service from a new Internist who would be available to me on an as-needed basis, still unfortunately this would still be at the $500/hour rate.

In many cases, you pay an annual fee for “concierge service,” but this takes it to the next level.

Most people would take one look at this paperwork and walk out the door. But to guys like me who want medical care and advice the way we want prompt room service, we pay through the teeth for it.

After a conversation about life, love and the pursuit of immortality, my bill for the visit was $645, which after all did include the drawing of blood.

I used a Visa, btw.

All of this brings me to my point, which is older men have no idea what to do – or, for that matter, what to expect – where optimal health and fitness are concerned. 

The reason for this is that there are no established baselines, which is precisely because there has never been a generation like this one in the history of mankind.

1] We live longer than ever before, so, like, what the hell are we going to do with all the time?

2] We expect more from life – and our bodies – since we’re going to be around a while.

3] Many of us can afford better service, and since we’re no longer 25, we won’t sit in the back of the bus anymore [something not lost on those who send us bills].

4] Many of us are divorced and dating women half our age, which throws a whole new level of confusion into the mix.

5] Mid Life Crisis is something most driven, successful men experience at 10 times the rate of men who are happy with an outdoor grill and wife who loves them for who they are. 

So like I said, no baselines.

If I walk into a gym and start to feeling fatigued after 30 minutes of cardio, is it because I’m old, or that I’m on the verge of a stroke?

Do I need to push my body harder so that I can handle more physical stress, or am I already at my threshold?

If I were 18 my high school coach would throw me against a wall for hurling in the middle of practice.

Now they dial 911.

If my blood work looks good, am I green-lighted to workout like I did in college, or is blood work coupled with age mitigating?

I have no idea, frankly.

This is one reason I pay so much for medical advice.

When I was young people like me didn’t exist.

Now we’re everywhere and none of us have the vaguest idea how to navigate this new terrain.

Some guys try hormone replacement.

Others visit plastic surgeons.

A wealthy few try stem cell therapy.

The rest rely on psychiatrists.

But we all understand that the party won’t go on forever no matter what we do, which never stops us from trying.

Aging is a Bitter Pill [No Wonder We’re All in Denial]

Liam-Neeson-MAINLiam Neeson, 63 ‘Never been healthier…’ for 63.

Ahead of turning 63 on June , he said: ‘My birthday is a touchy subject. I’m going to be 63 — nobody wants to be 63! I’m getting old. 

‘What I want more than anything is for it to be ignored. I just hate it and it makes me feel vulnerable. It’s such a private thing — the day you were born, the day you came out of your mother’s womb.

‘Some people hire a boat and do grand things like that, but I just get embarrassed about that sort of celebration and attention.’

~~~

What exactly is 63 supposed to look like?

Does anyone know?

As far as Hollywood is concerned, a 63-year-old actor is supposed to be fit, muscular, dashing…and yes, sexy.

A lot of this is projection, as many industry people are themselves middle age…and beyond.

But in the end it just gets down to pandering to a massive Baby Boomer market in denial.

This aside, how do a very select few 63-year-old men manage to maintain extraordinary levels of youthfulness?

1] Intense physical fitness regimens

2] Balanced diets

3] Low stress

4] Regular testosterone injections

5] Plastic surgery

6] Perfect styling

7] Flattering light

8] A willing suspension of disbelief on the part of audiences

9] Money and power

10] Dying famous at age 27.

~~~

Nobody wins this war.

We can be in spectacular shape at 63, but we’re still 63 no matter how imaginatively anyone spins it.

This is a particularly tough pill to swallow for older men of health and means.

They can afford to travel, dine at 5-star establishments, buy expensive toys, and date beautiful young men and women.

But the problem is that they have very little time to do it before the other show drops.

Think older man’s version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off for adults and this begins to make sense.

This is why denial is my generation’s crucible.

Why are Middle-Aged Men Committing Suicide in Record Numbers?

tumblr_m4qh70qIq71rwcc6bo1_500-2

In 2013, 78 per cent of the 6,233 suicides registered in the UK were men. That’s a rate of 19 deaths per 100,000 population.

That more men take their own lives than women is not new. But in 1981 the men’s total was only about double, or just under, the women’s.

Now it’s nearly four times as many.

suicide-chart_3205819cSince 2007, in fact, baby boomers have had the highest rate of suicide of any age group in the United States.

Historically, people between the ages of 40 and 64 have had one of the lowest rates.

To complicate matters, baby boomers are now sliding into the over-65 demographic, an age group that historically has had one of the highest suicide rates.

suicide-1suicide-2

Making matters worse, suicides among middle-aged men with mental health issues have soared by 73% since 2006, which may be attributed to a combination of alcohol, job loss and debt, as compiled by the University of Manchester’s National Confidential Inquiry into Suicide and Homicide by People with Mental Illness.

Oh boy. Want more?

“Our findings show that within mental health care, middle-aged men are particularly at risk,” said Prof Louis Appleby, the director of NCISH who was formerly the government’s mental health tsar and leads the national suicide prevention strategy. “The problem is not simply that they don’t seek help – they are already under mental health care – so we have to understand better the stresses men in this age group face.”

How about this?

More men in the UK have died by suicide in the past year than all British soldiers fighting in all wars since 1945.

I’m neither a Sociologist or Psychiatrist. In fact, my only authority in this area is interpersonal exchange and an open heart, for which I have earned several Doctoral Degrees.

Men my age and socioeconomic niche are, generally speaking, over-achievers. They made their “piles” working hard, passionately over many years.

Many have been married and divorced a few times over.

The majority have children somewhere.

Now they’re smack in the middle of the Baby Boom generation, with nowhere to go and nothing to do that they haven’t already been done a thousand times before.

Only this time around, they’re older – a lot older – with far less time to enjoy life the way they did when the journey started.

It’s a small window of opportunity in which to reinvent oneself before everything becomes a hobble along a windswept beach on the edge of oblivion.

With this as a backdrop, here are my 5 top reasons middle-aged men off themselves:

1] Loneliness

Heterosexual men in mid-life are dependent primarily on female partners for emotional support.

One reason for this is that they’ve never explored anything beyond sports stats with their “friends.”

Women, on the other hand, maintain their independent relationships throughout life – divorce notwithstanding – which is one reason they outlive us.

To wit, suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts were three times higher among divorced men, and two times higher among separated men compared to married.

This is the quintessential dichotomy about men: While we love sex, we love relationships more.

2]Reluctance to seek help

Professor Shirley Reynolds, from Reading University, said one of the reasons for the rise in suicides is the fact only around ’15 per cent of men with depression and anxiety seek help’.

Most men my age practice intimacy-avoidance. They’d rather swallow a pack of Gillette straight razors than open up about clinical depression.

For one thing, depression is not manly. Men don’t suffer depression unless it’s tied to warfare, in which case it’s called PTSD, an acceptable acronym.

Anything else is an indication that you’re either gay and in denial, or didn’t get into enough fistfights when you were a kid.

In either case, you’re screwed in the eyes of middle-aged frat boys who are themselves gay, and in denial.

3] Money

Okay, I know a few people who put bullets in their heads when the market crashed in 2008.

Not having any money after have a shit-ton of it sucks more than just about anything else, excluding colon cancer, which is a close second.

You lose your house, your cars, your vacations…and usually, your wife.

So now you have nothing at age “60” and have no interest in starting over at Dairy Queen.

I get it. Use the gun. 30 years mopping floors or flipping burgers just isn’t worth it.

Plus you’ll never get laid again as long as you do happen to live.

4] Feminism

Many men bought into the notion that marrying super-achiever women – the ones who handle all of the traditionally male responsibilities – was a novel idea…until the women in question left them for real men who could buy and sell them a thousand times, which earned their respect.
It’s been my experience that women want men to be men in the traditional sense no matter what they say to the contrary. I’m not talking about some archaic master-servant relationship, but one where the man is clearly the head of the household everyone look up to.
But these days older men are caught in a cross-fire of conflicting expectations about what it means to be a man. This usually means that when things go South, they don’t have the coping skills to handle the downward spiral.
The bottom line here is that men should take care of themselves first – and everyone else – second.
5] Irrelevance
Okay, so your career is winding down, the kids are out of the house, and your ex-wife is a colossal bitch. What the hell are you going to do with yourself? You already proved to the world that you could become CEO of some star-up and make a pile of money.
Now what?
That job is done, but when people ask you what the hell you’re doing with yourself, you have nothing to say. This means you’re only as good as your last performance – which, by the way, was 10 years ago. Not good. Very bad, in fact. Particularly at society cocktail functions.
Men are inextricably tied to what they do professionally, so if you’re not doing what you were once doing, then what the hell are you doing?
Men need an answer.
If they don’t have one, they dwell on what to say to people.
This often leads to introspection, as in the meaning of life kind of crap and then hookers, drugs and a shotgun blast to silence the noise.
Believe me, older men need a good back story to survive. Otherwise, the only thing anyone will be interested in is conning them out of whatever money they happen to have left over from their glory days.
SUMMARY
Getting older sucks. The best you can hope for is money in the bank, good health, and a competent psychiatrist.
Note that money was the first on my list of must-haves because without it you’re probably better off dead.
How else are you going to afford the psychiatrist?
~~~
For more information, here’s a good article on depression in older men:

Straight Talk from Boomer and “Pretender” Chrissie Hynde [63]

press session for Chrissie Hynde: Stockholm

press session for Chrissie Hynde: Stockholm

There’s just something about the tenor of my generation’s words that always resonates with me.

I can’t imagine why.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/music/news/pretenders%E2%80%99-chrissie-hynde-no-regrets-about-rape-comments/ar-AAdVJVW

Up Next!

“Isn’t It Time You Older Guys Start Winding It Down?”

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No.

How many times have I heard this from spouses who feel left behind by men who’ve decided to make the most of middle-age?

“Why are you spending so much time in the gym?”

“You had your youth. Let go!”

“Acceptance is the key to happiness!”

“You’re no longer a child!”

Grow up!”

I could go on and on with this bullshit… [and I will].

~~~

Based on a true story, the following dialog takes place between a friend of mine and a woman who’s middle-aged husband is either in the gym, meal-prepping and/or planning adventure vacations that involve rock climbing, mountain hikes, kayaking, swimming and yoga.

While all this sounds great, it isn’t as much so for a woman who thought she married a very different man who would embrace the last few decades of his life with more circumspection.

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“I don’t know what’s happened to my husband. He used to be such a normal man.

Now all he does is workout and prepare his meals at home, as if a little bread’s going to hurt him.

Why is he doing this? He’s almost 60! 

Look at me! I’m not 25 anymore. And I’m okay with that.

Why isn’t he?

And those ridiculous handstand push-ups he does all the time are for kids, not full grown men.

It’s embarrassing!” 

FRIEND TO SPOUSE:

“Maybe he just wants to stay fit and healthy so he can do all the things he did when he was younger.

What’s wrong with that?”

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“What’s wrong with that is that we aren’t young anymore.

I think he’s having some sort of midlife breakdown, thinking he can go back to where he was, instead of accepting where he is!”

FRIEND TO SPOUSE:

“Maybe you’re just feeling left out, or about to be left behind. His priorities have changed. He wants to live a healthy lifestyle, and now you’re feeling pressure to do the same thing.

Maybe you think he’s going to leave you, or have an affair?”

SPOUSE TO FRIEND:

“Listen to me you idiot! He needs to grow up and accept the fact that there’s a time and place for everything in life.

He should be doing more reflecting than pumping weights!

Stop and smell the roses. Ponder his image in quiet lakes, skim rocks across the water, and reflect.

We should be walking hand-in-hand along the banks of lagoon, deep in spiritual contemplation, connected to the earth as we prepare for death in a positive, healthy way…”

FRIEND TO SPOUSE

“And you think he’s insane?”

The Case for Dating Men in Their “60’s”

549b4f06a8262_-_elle-60-year-old-men-dating-v

It’s not uncommon to see successful 58-62-year-old urban men dating and/or marrying women in their mid to late 30’s.

By standards that have evolved over the past decade, 37 and 60 are considered age-appropriate.

It’s a simple formula: 1/2 one’s age plus 7.

Of course, it could also be 1/2 one’s age minus 7, and still meet normal parameters.

In either case, the women are hardly 17 for God’s sake.

With this as a backdrop, I have posted a link to an Elle Magazine article I think you’ll find interesting.

I’ll follow it’s bullet points with comments of my own based upon real life urban experience.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/advice/a9/dating-men-in-their-sixties/

“Old men are polite and thoughtful and young guys are generally self-centered.” Megan Megan O’Brien, founder of the marketing agency Beauty Brander, almost exclusively dates men in their sixties and older.

Her reasons?

1] I like a man’s man.

The synopsis: “To a man in his 60’s it’s the norm to treat a woman like a LADY.”

COMMENTS

Older men I know are far more appreciative of the young women in their lives because they know that authentic love is no longer a disposable asset.

2] They don’t play games.

The synopsis: “The bullshit factor dramatically declines as the years of their age rise.”

COMMENTS

Time becomes a far more valuable commodity when it becomes more scarce, forcing demand through the roof. Therefore, “sealing the deal” with a younger woman becomes a far more likely outcome.

3] They are more thoughtful.

The synopsis: “Leaving love notes in your purse for you to find later is another common trait of a more mature man…..just because.”

COMMENTS

To older men, younger women are kind of like time capsules that transport us back to a time when life was more spontaneous and carefree. Younger men have precisely the opposite effect on older women for obvious reasons.

4] They have their shit together.

COMMENTS

The synopsis: “He’s spending more time and attention on your relationship [than at the office].”

COMMENTS

He doesn’t have to spend as much time at the office [see#4]. Most men in this situation work from a laptop and a cellphone for a few hours and call it a day.

5] He will be proud to be with you.

The synopsis: “Most guys in their thirties think they’re doing YOU a favor by holding your hand and saying that you look beautiful.”

COMMENTS

When you’re young, youth and beauty are boundless resources, so you take them for granted.

But older men have already been laid more times than they can possibly count, so they focus on other aspects of the relationship.

This, of course, will then lead to even more sex – only this time with someone who’s name they remember.

~~~