Posts Tagged → culture

What’s [really] the Best Workout for Baby Boomers?

5d99a3dfe96d85f1caff06438b6de62456yr Old Crossfit Masters Competitor Ken Greaves

I was scouring the web for inspirational articles covering training regimens for masters athletes – and let me tell you – there aren’t many.

Instead, what I came across this absurd piece written by two 20-year-olds who went on to win a contest for their advice to older men and women.

Here’s a teaser on the topic of cardio: The American College of Sports Medicine recommends working at a level that is “hard enough to raise your heart rate and break a sweat,” but still allows one “to carry on a conversation.” This ensures that the body is being stimulated but not so intensely that there is a risk of overexertion. 

Comment: If I can carry on a conversation while doing cardio, I’m not training. [Note to you 20-year-olds on your Iphones while walking on treadmills].

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/best_over_60_workout.htm

Myth #1:

“Because hypertrophy and maximal force production are not likely to be goals for the 60 and up crowd, free weights and muscle specialization will not be necessary.”

Really? Says who?

As a 60-year-old power-lifter and cross-fit enthusiast, I train primarily with free weights because they allow my entire body to participate in the stabilization process. I also focus on certain muscle groups that help protect my body when lifting heavy.

No wonder I don’t have back problems. People who tend to sit on machines all day do. So yes, hypertrophy is a big deal as is maximal force production.

Myth #2:

“While teens may be able to handle three days of lifting per week with seven days of cardio, this is not realistic for older adults.”

I train with weights 3 days a week and incorporate 5 days of cross-fit style cardio. I take the weekends off because i have a life outside the gym.  And by the way, most teens can’t keep up with my workouts.

Myth #3

“Intensity, too is different [for older athletes], as more tender joints and less conditioned lungs and other muscles are potential issues for older adults to consider.”

While joint pain is always making itself known in one area or another, it’s been doing the same thing since college. So I just work around it until it heals.

Myth #4

“While free weights are often favored by serious gym-goers and exercise enthusiasts, machines are preferable for older adults.”

I don’t know anyone my age at my gym who doesn’t use free weights.

Myth #5

“Machine movements do not rely on stabilizing muscles as much, which is important as older adults may be somewhat deconditioned and will not have sufficiently developed muscles for complex free weight exercises.”

It is true that some adults are deconditioned, but for those of us who train regularly, this is simply not applicable.

Myth #6

“At the age of 60, the body is mostly incapable of building large quantities of new muscle.”

This has to be the most ridiculous comment I have ever read.

Myth #7

“The main goal of working out should be to build some strength and reduce the risk for disease (primarily heart disease). Therefore, a workout should simply be to get the blood flowing and to build some strength without causing any serious injury in the process.”

If my trainer ever said this to me, I’d fire him.

Myth #8

“Supplementing protein shakes is unnecessary and pointless. At this age, the body can’t digest and absorb protein easily, which will result in excess bodily waste and weight gain from supplementation.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry for this little idiot.

SUMMARY

20-year-olds haven’t a clue about fitness routines for adult athletes, nor do they have any knowledge of our psychological predispositions.

In my gym, I routinely challenge college kids to jump in with me for sets, but so many have suffered injuries that they rarely show up anymore.

🙂

So, what REALLY are the best workouts for baby Boomers?

ANSWER: It’s a rhetorical question.

Relevance in Retrospect

Heller-David-Letterman-Beard-1200-630-07104616Many of you will recognize the person in this photo, not that he cares…

“…You believe that what you are doing is of great importance and that it is affecting mankind wall-to-wall. And then when you get out of it you realize, oh, well, that wasn’t true at all. (laughter) It was just silliness… I realized, geez, I don’t think I care that much about television anymore. I feel foolish for having been misguided by my own ego for so many years.” David Letterman

~~~

At the end of a long career, many of us look back and wonder whether what we accomplished was such a big deal after all.

In other words, did we stack up?

I’ve noticed that many of those who come up short are in the entertainment industry, where ridiculous sums are paid to people who couldn’t hold a normal job if their lives depended on it.

I’m one of them, though I have to say I did hold a normal job for the whole of 3 months after graduating college.

It was at that point in my life when I realized I was going to have to go it alone, freelancing as a photographer – and, at the time – copywriter.

I bring this up because entertainment is where people who can’t make it anywhere else go.

It’s not for lack of intelligence, talent, tenacity and perseverance.

It’s for lack of fitting in anywhere else, including everywhere else.

No wonder those who are actually successful in entertainment are referred to as geniuses.

This said, most don’t consider success in entertainment a tremendous accomplishment in the context of mankind, and I guess this is where I’m going.

Letterman looks back and sees a talk show host who interviewed celebrities in exchange for tens of millions of dollars.

He doesn’t see a brain surgeon who saved lives; a forensic anthropologist working at the Smithsonian, or a research scientist searching for the cure for cancer.

On some level I’m sure he’d prefer people see him in proper context, particularly given the fact that he could buy and sell them a thousand times.

It’s embarrassing. I get it.

Recently, I had a conversation with a 72-year-old man who turned out to be a world-renowned organ transplant surgeon with 12 medical books to his credit.

The man was unassuming, but not without presence.

There was gravity in his tone which I found a bit disconcerting, honestly.

Who was this guy? And why was he not pretending to be someone he was not like so many others who never feel complete without a good back story?

He summed everything up in a sentence or two, and just walked away.

That was it.

It got me thinking that no matter what any of us do, we all play a role in what constitutes the totality of the human experience, whether it’s science, art, music, literature…or entertainment. 

I don’t know that he needed to reflect on any of this, as his contributions could be counted one life after another.

But I’m sure that in his home one would find art on the walls, literature on the shelves, and memories of his favorite Letterman interviews.

In this sense, entertainment isn’t so ephemeral after all.

Nonetheless, entertainment is the one area of human existence that doesn’t require a formal education, a clean law enforcement record, or green light from the American Psychiatric Association.

No wonder Letterman got paid so much.

Feeling Blue About Your Age? Try This.

When I’m at the gym training, older people [my age and much older] look at me like I’m out of my mind.

They’re only partly right.

I am driven to perform in an abnormal way for men my age.

I guess they assume I a recovering drug addict swapping addictions, or someone in therapy.

Like I said, partly right.

Long story short, I’m an outsider in every sense of the word.

First, my workouts look like actual workouts, rather than strolls around a track on a failing hip, porous bones, and bulging discs.

Some refer to such people as blood sacks.

To the point, I could trip and fall in the gym and the worse case scenario might be a spilled sports drink, not the complete annihilation of my skeletal structure – hence blood sack.

This is where you want to be at this stage of the game.

Then there’s the mental toughness that working out reinforces.

You feel in possession of yourself and relevant in the context of survival.

This is a big deal to older men, believe me.

If you feel weak, you feel irrelevant no matter what else you have going on in your favor.

While success is a great thing, success and good health are better.

Just ask anyone who doesn’t have either, or both.

Every Woman Over 50 Should Practice Bisexuality [According to Huffington Post Article]

o-TWO-MATURE-CAUCASIAN-WOMEN-POSING-TOGETHER-SMILING-facebook

A 2014 article in the Huffington Post written by Arlene Schindler suggests that older women should explore their bisexuality as an alternative to their oftentimes frustrating experiences with men.

One path is referred to as “affectional bonding” or AB.

No wonder they outlive us.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arlene-schindler-/cuddle-parties_b_4800176.html

The findings of the latest National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (NATSAL) reveals that the number of women reporting same-sex partners has increased from 1.8% to 7.9% over the past 20 years. Sexual lifestyles in Britain have changed substantially in the past 60 years, with changes in behavior seeming to be greater in women than men, most notably the continuation of sexual activity into later life.

After enough time passes and older women find themselves unable to establish relationships with quality, age appropriate men, “affectional bonding” begins to make sense.

According to the article, most women are already naturally bi-curious when it comes to sex; 60 percent were sexually attracted to other women; 45 percent had kissed a woman and 50 percent had fantasies about the same sex. This suggests that women may be more capable of finding people attractive, no matter what orientation they claim. Additionally, it becomes more pronounced as they get older. Approaching mid-life, “AB” makes a lot of sense.

And now, for the anti-male punchline:

Ladies, tired of the hairy chest? Try the softer touch. Has erectile dysfunction got you down and disappointed? Try reframing your options. With affectional bonding, enjoy everything you ever wanted without the messy clean-up.

You can read the rest of the article for yourself and draw your own conclusions.

OVERVIEW

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you know by now that nothing is a panacea.

Single-hood is tough because you feel emotionally disconnected from the world. It can drain your spirit, fracture your faith in humanity, jade your perceptions.

But the same can be said of toxic relationships.

So we struggle to find balance no matter where it takes us.

Having said this, for men in my particularly peer group, I suggest you contact your attorney and investment counselor before doing anything where the consequences are more expensive than a transient escape.

What’s So Gross About Madonna?

47636953.cachedIn women, experience isn’t a carbon credit for lost time.

There’s very little to say about this that hasn’t already been said a thousand times, so I’ll just post the link from The Daily Beast, written by Samantha Allen.

You can also type “Madonna” into the search bar on this site for further commentary on the Queen of Pop or whatever.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/04/14/what-s-so-gross-about-madonna-getting-older-it-seems.html

In Men, the Loss of Youth and Beauty are Replenished by Gains in Affluence

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I’m twisting the intended narrative here, but the illustration to the left represents how most successful men visualize their roles in the context of the human food chain.

It’s called EGO because it supersedes logic in human populations.

Of course, if you’re rich, it can be argued that ego denotes empirical proof that delusion is everything but.

The illustration to the right is what reality looks and feels like after enough therapy and modest financial success.

Fortunately for men, financial success provides a way out of this existential nightmare, which is not to suggest that once handsome men don’t mourn the erosion of physical beauty, but money can often slow the process to a crawl.

Not so for women whose appearance is considered tantamount to good mental health, therapy notwithstanding.

With this as a backdrop, here is how the evolutionary process has played out for me, a successful Baby Boomer.

Without coming across as a conceited jerk, I was a very handsome young man. I dated pretty much anyone I wanted to date and became accustomed to attracting admirers every time I entered a room. Over time I learned to feed from the positive reflection, the energy that followed me around like a force field. Then as I got older, things changed, and I learned the hard way that while youth and money are the consummate fate, they rarely occur simultaneously. So I had figure out how to balance my assets.

~~~

THE BALANCING OF HUMAN ASSETS IS A UNIQUELY MALE PHENOMENON

Unlike women, men are able to age gracefully as long as the money holds up.

Put another way, money carries with it a certain preternatural quality that enables men to sidestep the aging process well into the final chapters.

In my experience, the reasoning goes something like this:

1] Women tend to be more inspired by what they feel ratter than what they see with their eyes.

[Note: This change takes place as women approach their late 20’s and are still unmarried and not in possession of a 7-figure investment portfolio.]

2] Security is like a opiate for women. Flashbacks occur over every stage of life reminding them that without it they are lost.

3] Wealthy older men can pretty much date anyone they want utilizing success and hubris as leverage.

On a very fundamental level, women see this and begin to feel that their greatest assets are, in fact, youth and beauty and that women in possession of such qualities tend to land in the better neighborhoods.

See, it isn’t that aging women fear death. It’s the fear that aging and losing the power of beauty eclipses all of their other accomplishments, mostly because it does.

For men, their accomplishments play an almost seamless stand-in for whatever time took.

Of course, all of us get screwed after enough water’s passed under the bridge.

But we’re far from maligned over a few wrinkles and gray hair.

In the end, it’s what we’ve accomplished that stands the test of time.

So while older women report feelings of irrelevance, invisibility and fear as they age, older men tend to report similar things when they’re financially challenged.

Riffing Off the Past: How Some Boomers Stay Relevant

Jan 18, 2009; Glendale, AZ, USA; NFL on FOX analyst Terry Bradshaw during the trophy presentation following the NFC Championship Game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium. The Cardinals won the game 32-25 to advance to Super Bowl XLIII. Mandatory Credit: Chris Morrison-US PRESSWIRE [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

Mandatory Credit: Chris Morrison-US PRESSWIRE [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

If I were a famous retired pro athlete trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, I might consider a career in sportscasting.

I’d have immediate sponsorship interest, and therefore, a viable shot at chapter 2 of an already illustrious career.

I could also have a home life and time to travel, given the fact that sportscasting isn’t exactly a 9-5 job.

We see this all the time within the ranks of the rich and famous.

In fact, some say “once famous, always so.”

America loves underdogs, particularly those who’ve already climbed the mountain and are ready to do it all over again.

But what about a guy who was successful in something that didn’t earn him international fame, notoriety, and thus, cultural relevance?

His commodity value is now relative to what he did, not what he wants to do now that his career is, for all intents and purposes, over.

And people wonder why so many successful older men freak out.

I’ll elaborate…[and offer a few solutions].

~~~

The 45 to 64 group that makes up nearly half of all new startups in the country, increasing 19 percent since 1996. The older market has seen the most significant growth over the last 15 years.

But as we all know, starting up a new business isn’t a cakewalk for most.

For one thing, there’s FUNDING.

If you’re not famous, you’re less likely to have sponsors beating down the doors.

Adding fuel to the fire, you got your butt kicked in the downturn and are less willing to risk retirement savings on a new venture that’s by it’s very nature, risky.

The next issue is WORK-LIFE BALANCE.

Rigid schedules, family sacrifices…the realities of doing what you had to do at the beginning of the journey.

If you’re not Terry Bradshaw, you need to know that no one’s doing anything but you – probably 12 hours a day.

This dovetails nicely with the final issue: BOUNDARIES.

You may be good at one thing, but not something else…like managing people.

You could outsource, but that’s not cheap and you still have to oversee the work.

SUMMARY

If you’re not already rich and famous, get used to the IRS considering anything you do a hobby.

They’re not dumb.

They know you won’t risk more than you absolutely have to, and that after a certain point you see it as something you enjoy that also helps defray taxes.

This is why they assess a “hobby” tax on successful older people who try to start new businesses and then write off the losses.

No one in their right mind wouldn’t do this since so much money is already being spent trying to make something work.

From personal experience, all I can tell you is this:

1] If you’re not rich and famous and had a career that is still viable, try consulting.

I know lots of retired lawyers who do freelance consulting on the side.

All you need is a cellphone and list of contacts – not a brick and mortar structure filled with expensive equipment and people.

2] If you don’t mind breaking even, or operating at a slight loss, understand that eventually you will have to pay the IRS for your indulgences.

3] If you are rich and famous, do whatever the hell you want.

While you’ll still have to show up once in a while, you’ll still feel relevant.

Just ask Keith Richards.

Top 10 Baby Boomer Myths – Separating Fact from Stereotype

baby_boombers_1373063cI don’t know about you, but every time I see an ad targeting my generation [those born between 1946 and 1964], I feel like an outsider peering into another universe.

The couple above is what most people of the aforementioned generation are supposed to look like – at least the oldest among us. And I suppose that for many, this is relatively accurate.

I don’t know them, but I am told they exist.

Blog-pic-young-woman-older-man-12090169

While I’m not a “tie guy” or corporate raider, this couple more closely resembles my demographic.

With these misconceptions aside, let’s take a closer look at even more of them:

10 MOST COMMON MYTHS ABOUT BABY BOOMERS

1] Boomers are all the same.

Hardly, as evidenced by the disparity of the couples in the above photographs.

In fact, I’m sure THE ONLY COUPLES I know that resemble the first one are in television ads.

2] Boomers are the “Me” generation.

More so than Millennials?  Gimme a break.

70 percent of Boomers say they have a responsibility to make the world a better place, and 57 percent say they try to buy from companies that give back to their communities.

3] Boomers Technically Challenged.

In case people forgot, Boomers were in the workforce during the evolution of computers, email and the internet, and were the first to understand the value of technology.

82 percent of us are online and 64 percent of us have been online from the outset.

Our online activities include instant messaging, downloading music or movies, financial transactions and online gaming…among others.

4] Boomers are winding down with age.

Is this a joke or what?

Most Boomers I know are working more now that they have money than they did before they had a dime.

The typical Boomer in my world goes to the gym regularly, travels a lot (“60 million took at least one trip last year”), and attends live sporting events (“22 million” by most estimates).

I could go on.

5] Boomers are all wealthy

Collectively Boomers are the wealthiest generation in history.

But it also bears noting that only 9 percent are truly affluent (defined as having pre-tax incomes of $150,000 or more if working, or $100,000 or more if retired).

In fact, one quarter of Boomers have no savings or investments at all, which I know is shocking to most of you who read this blog.

6] Boomers are brand loyal and will not switch

Total crap.

Boomers are just as likely as younger cohorts to experiment with new products. They are actually paying attention to advertising for new products, and 61 percent of Boomers agree that “in today’s marketplace, it doesn’t pay to be loyal to one brand,” compared with 62 percent of those age 18-41.

7] You can capture Boomers with mainstream advertising

Boomers are paying attention to advertising, and 66 percent say that ads have gotten more crude in recent years and another 67 percent say they are less likely to purchase a product if they find the advertising offensive.

23 percent say they consider ads that are geared toward their age group insulting.

Can you blame them?

Turn on any news channel and all you hear about are pocket catheters.

8] Most Boomers are married empty nesters

Only about 1 in 4 Boomers fit the profile of married with adult children who have left home.

37 percent of Boomers still have children under 18 in the home – and one-third of Boomers are single.

Doing the math, that’s tens of millions.

9] Boomers are downsizing their homes

Few Boomers I know ever downsize anything.

Despite the image of older consumers “winding down” as the years progress and simplifying their lives and homes, just 6 percent of Boomers are planning to be living in a smaller residence five years from now.

Moreover, 76 percent plan to live in either a same-sized (their current home or a new home of the same size) or larger home, often much larger, usually with an infinity pool and outdoor hot tub.

10] Boomers are retiring early

Contrary to much of the attention given to the first Boomers’ turning 62 this year and being eligible to take Social Security benefits early, in reality very few Boomers are planning to stop working entirely when they reach retirement age – only 11 percent.

And of those Boomers who know what they are planning to do when they reach retirement age (some two-thirds), 72 percent plan to work either part (65 percent) or full-time (7 percent) after they reach retirement age.

SUMMARY

Most of what you read about Baby Boomers is grossly inaccurate, and this is surprising given the fact that so much effort is put forth marketing to a generation holding the lion’s share of wealth.

When I watch commercials targeting my generation, I just assume it’s target the generation before because I simply cannot relate.

This is not about denial, by the way, though I’m sure there is an element of that in everything we say, do, and feel.

With all of this in mind…

HERE ARE THE 10 MOST COMMON REALITIES OF BABY BOOMERS [LIKE ME]:

1] We tend to date, and, sometimes marry, women much younger than ourselves.

2] Relevance is our crucible, therefore we never stop working, achieving…having something interesting to say at cocktail functions. 

3] We’re sensitive to stereotyping and won’t spend a dime on anyone who doesn’t respect our sense of cultural sovereignty. 

4] We still listen to Zeppelin, but aren’t opposed to new music that involves musicians playing actual instruments.

5] Many of us can kick your butt in the gym.

6] We don’t mind someone else picking up the tab even if we can buy and sell them a hundred times. 

7] Shaving, waxing and laser hair removal are all considered normal maintenance regimens to most of us.

8] 100% of us own notebook computers, desktop computers, Iphones or Droids, Ipads or mobile readers, and bluetooth-enabled headphones.

9] 99% of us drive at least one of the following 5 automobiles: Land Rover, Jaguar, Mercedes, BMW and Porsche.

10] Among my generation, testosterone supplementation is beginning to rival water consumption.

~~~

Is Madonna Really Wearing a Mouthful of Grills?

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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3336303/Madonna-sports-chic-fedora-bizarre-teeth-grills-enjoying-Spanish-Thanksgiving-lookalike-son-Rocco-duo-sport-hair-style.html

No one would accuse Madonna of being a slouch, resting on her laurels and so on…

She works incessantly, travels the world tour after tour after grueling tour.

But no matter how much Madonna tours, she is still 57, not 25.

Hello memo.

The harder she tries to be chronologically seamless, the farther away she lands.

Racing with the devil is a fool’s errand someone who loves her obviously neglected to mention.

Grills? Seriously?

If my 83-year-old mother wore grills, I’d have her committed.

But for Madonna, it’s an unintended tragic pantomime she can afford to ignore.

Delusion, after all, isn’t against the law.

But even Madonna can’t buy back the bad press.

Sadly, she’s become an embarrassment to the Baby Boom.

Not her accomplishments, not her work ethic, not her contribution to the world of Pop.

But everything else.

If my generation’s greatest fear is maintenance of personal dignity, Madonna is our crucible.

So again, it’s all about money, honey, delusion notwithstanding.

The Most Annoying People In The Gym […and a few good ones thrown in for good measure]

Old-Guy-LiftingI found this article on t-nation.com about gym etiquette amusing, so I thought I’d share it with you.

Most of it targets the behavior of all age demographics, so I’ve slightly twisted it in the direction of the Baby Boom.

Many are cliches pushed to the extreme, but many cliches are extreme without having to be pushed at all.

Here’s the article:

https://www.t-nation.com/powerful-words/10-most-annoying-people-in-the-gym

~~~

1] The Misplaced Crossfitter

After enough testosterone supplementation, many Baby Boomers – both men and women – re-emerge as adolescents and hit the gym like banshees, attempting complex exercises like box jumps and weighted wall balls they see performed by people half their age on Youtube. They attempt to perform them publicly as if no one will notice the sad realities of their efforts. I witnessed one 50-something guy jumping up and down like a Wallaby in what appeared to be a trance. When I asked him what he was doing he just smiled and hopped away. I discovered later on that he just received his first testosterone injections a week ago, and like someone stuck in Purgatory for 30 years, was euphoric over his discovery of a portal back to planet earth.

2] The Phone Zombie

Many older guys use gyms as workplaces. I’m still not convinced they aren’t suffering some psychiatric disability, the whole thing a pantomime played out using a dead phone. Relevance is found in some of the most unlikely places. Whatever the issue, they are certainly consistent, and therefore, memorable. In fact, offering even the vaguest description will elicit a knowing response. In deference to one man in particular, he is having an actual conversation with someone on the other end of the line, but he is so often on the phone that he is now clinically deaf.

3] The Newbie Steroid User

Most of these people begin a steroid regimen to drop body fat without having to spend hours in a gym. They also hope to revitalize their flagging sex lives which certain physicians’ promises of restoring them in exchange for $30,000 a year. Most of these people drop out of sight when their PSA levels rival the national debt and/or they lose a pile in a market downturn.

4] Just About Anyone Doing a Kettlebell Swing

Most older men have no idea what the hell they’re doing in the gym. Without help from a personal trainer, they are like cattle on the edge of a cliff in a hurricane. They’re painful to watch and there is always the temptation to offer guidance. But it has been my experience that guidance is often perceived as a kind of narcissistic wound to men of hubris and resources accustomed to people’s fear and respect in the workplace. Physicians who should know better are some of the worst offenders, as usual. I could get into the irony here.

One old dude threw a cable grip in my direction.

5] The Dumbbell Rack Blocker

I am guilty of this. There are times when I use one end of a dumbbell rack to perform single-arm pulls. But I am also aware of who’s around me. If I see someone lingering near the rack, I’ll move. The point is that many gym newbies [read: older guys who’ve spent their lives in offices and are now on gym floors at the insistence of their primary care physicians] are slow on the uptake, and even indignant towards anyone expecting them to budge.

6] The Bros

I work out around a bunch of older men and women who were – at one time or another – gym addicted. Most of us are now in recovery, but this still doesn’t stop us from spending two hours a day enabling one another. We make a lot of noise when the weights get heavy, but the experience is cathartic, and, in our minds, fine as long as we don’t technically kill anyone.

7] Mr. Octa Set

Some guys attempt to commandeer a 1000 square foot area of the gym in order to perform a particular routine. Most of them are the usual suspects: Affluent and entitled Boomers who are used to having things their way. Fortunately for people like myself, I am comfortable ignoring their boundaries and leading them back to therapy without much in the way of tact.

8] The Crappy Personal Trainer

At my health club there are a few personal trainers who spend more time discussing personal issues with their clients than training them. But this is not the fault of the trainer. When a client is will to pay $100 and hour of someone’s time, they run the show. Of course, the trainer can always fire the client, but it doesn’t make much financial sense as you can imagine. I do happen to know certain personal trainers who won’t train clients that aren’t serious, but I have found that they tend to work less hours.

9] The Talker

My gym caters to an affluent clientele, many of whom are trust fund babies who’ve never held a job, and therefore, have no concept of boundaries. The rest are either psychiatric outpatients or narcissists who’ve never seen a therapist.

10] The Creeper

True story: One day I was in the gym on the stretching mats when I noticed an older man with his junk on full display. A woman next to me happened to notice it at the same moment and immediately deflected her young daughter’s attention avoiding what would inevitably become full blown PTSD. Anyway, I’m not certain whether such men are exhibitionists or just plain senile. I can envision a police interrogation where the officers just shake their heads when the man starts babbling incoherently about the stock market when questioned about a sexually perverse act. Long story short, I reported the incident to the management and I’m told that he now wears undergarments.

 

Okay, so here are three of my own Pet Peeves:

 

 11] Old Ladies With Too Much Perfume

This one is self-explanatory, but thankfully easily remedied over a private discussion with management. I have, at times, felt almost enveloped in what smells like scented mustard gas as my lungs cry out for mercy at the handiwork of a mortician.

12] People Who Read Newspapers While Performing Leg Presses

At more upscale health clubs, this is a commonplace practice. The idea is to be in the gym as directed by one’s primary care physician while also getting a little of what the client wants, which is to not be there at all.

13] People With Antisocial Personality Disorder

Maybe it’s just me, but I see health clubs as urban ecosystems that run according to the sum of their constituent parts. Saying hello is not going to kill anyone. It’s common courtesy if nothing else in an environment filled with people you see every day.

With this in mind, there is one particularly cross older man with a distended midsection that he attempts to conceal with 5x t-shirts pregnant emblazoned with messages of anarchy. He never speaks, never blinks, and always stares straight ahead like a zombie zeroing in on a kill. This guy typifies APD and should be referred immediately to the nearest psychiatric facility. Thankfully, the only other people who come across even remotely this way are cross fitters who relish the outcast model.

 Okay, now for the most awesome people in the gym!

11] Elderly People

Older men and women who go to the gym religiously have the respect of everyone. I’ve never heard a single negative comment or complaint unless the person in question farts, in which case the whole age thing comes up.

12] The Quiet Beasts

Most bodybuilders I know are quiet beasts. They are men of few words [in the gym], focused, serious, and only cordial under duress. I don’t particularly like them [in the gym], but I do admire their determination.

13] Women Who Kick Ass

There is nothing more inspiring than women kicking ass next to us. Taking this a step further, I would prefer a gym filled with nothing but buff women in tights. I mean just for the inspiration and all.

14] Fat People

It’s hard to beat on a fat person when they’re in the gym trying to climb out of their bodies. It’s a Promethean task no one takes on unless their lives depend on it.

15] Injured and Disabled People

God bless these people for getting back into the world and fighting for their dignity. They’re a lesson to all of us to be thankful that a couple of inches off the waist is all we have to accomplish.

A FINAL COMMENT ON OLD PEOPLE IN THE GYM

Everyone understands the inherent grumpiness seen in the aged, but no one appreciates it. From a psychiatric perspective, you have to understand that many of these old men were once “somebody:” Heads of companies, surgeons, lawyers and so on. They had the respect of their peers and their community. No one questioned their validity, their relevance. This is why many men refuse to retire. The rest face a downhill slalom into invisibility and irrelevance and what you see in their sour demeanor is the loss of something they spent their lives building. I feel sorry for these men. While they go to the gym to stay physically relevant, they’re dead everywhere else.