The guy you see in the foreground is me.
Directly behind me is a 9-year-old kid –– my competitor.
We will both perform what is referred to as an “icky-shuffle” that most know as ladder work.
This particular movement requires a lot of focus and agility rarely seen in males my age, but even more notably — HIS!
Yea, I was just as blown away.
Rock on, kid!
Axl Rose, 53
You can blame a crappy appearance on the passage of a few years.
But you can also blame yourself for how you spent them.
In other words, “You make the bed you sleep in…” as my grandfather, Shelley, used to say.
Unfortunately, Axl Rose started out with a bed in complete disarray.
Thankfully, his voice and ability to write memorable music were enough to carry him through a lot of the turmoil.
But he is still a tragic result of his past.
So did misfortune cause him age badly?
Indirectly, yes.
But with help, most of us are salvageable.
In his case, he was either unable – or unwilling – to overcome the demons that laid waste to his childhood, and what we now see is a reflection of how he feels about himself.
There are many talented celebrities who have aged incredibly well.
In every instance, though, it’s because they took great care of themselves –– not because they visited a Devil’s Crossroads or were born divine.
Sting comes to mind as he always does in these narratives.
Aging is not a death sentence in the context of appearance.
It’s a series of choices.
I bring this up because MSN is fond of writing attention-grabbing headlines about how badly some celebrities have aged, like they were somehow struck down by God while shopping at Whole Foods.
Does a 53-year-old man look like he did at 22?
Of course not.
But many would argue that an exemplary 53-year-old actually constitutes an improvement.
A few lines, harder features, a fit frame, success, maturity, wisdom, knowledge all combined can equal a far more appealing individual.
While youth and beauty are synonymous in absolute terms, aging well balances the scales because it is one of life’s consummate achievements.
Just ask anyone who’s ever won an Oscar.
BULLET POINTS
Aging badly is most often tied to two things:
1] Obesity
2] Over-indulgence in plastic surgery.
Both are tied directly to self-esteem, and both are treatable psychiatric disabilities.
There is a third possibility, but delusion doesn’t count.
Seriously?
Some people claim I’m in denial, that my chronological age has had such a devastating impact on my self-esteem that my only recourse is to pretend that I’m somewhere else in life.
This could not be farther from the truth.
My real problem is with stereotypes about aging, and how they never apply to me.
Ever notice that whenever there’s a product targeting “mature adults” the photo caption resembles the one above?
Who the hell are these people? Certainly not “me.”
I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I never grew up. I was fortunate enough not to have to: No kids, always self-employed, fitness-obsessed, financially free.
I did what I wanted to do [more or less] and nothing has changed.
I have friends of all ages, both men and women; gay, straight and somewhere in between, religious and not…some brighter than others.
It doesn’t matter to me. The murkier the merrier as long as they’re good people who haven’t given up on themselves.
With this in mind, there are many “well-known and respected” blogs written in large part by physicians who target the Baby Boom generation.
The vast majority focus their attention on those at the very edge of that era, or people born somewhere in the vicinity of 1946.
The rest are ignored because they don’t fit the narrative.
In other words, if you’re not in your middle to late 60’s, you’re too young.
Nonetheless, these “medically-based” blogs are everywhere.
You can learn all about how to keep your aching joints healthy, check out the latest in pocket catheters, or discover the wonders of bingo.
Even my 83-year-old mother laughs at them, quite frankly.
This is why Baby Boomers like me feel so alienated by advertising that targets my age demographic.
For example, here’s a “typical” couple used in an ad for mature dating:
I know. Weird, right?
This is more like it:
So why don’t ads like this exist?
Because there aren’t enough people like this to justify the advertising cost, so they pander to the averages.
How about nutrition ads for dads that look like this?
…Instead of this:
I don’t personally know any couple that looks like this.
The woman could be his mother, for god’s sake.
But I have to assume that this is what advertisers think average couples look like.
Call me a juvenile delinquent, or clueless, or whatever. But it’s just not relevant to me or my demographic.
Here’s one more.
This is a typical group of older mature people lifting weights looks like:
Seriously?
This is what it looks like for me:
I’m not telling you that everyone I know is a consummate athlete.
But what I am saying is that many older men don’t come even close to fitting the stereotypes perpetrated by advertising agencies.
If I actually bought into the advertisers version of reality, I’d put a bullet in my head.
This isn’t a rant about denial. I know where I am in the scheme of things.
But I also know that I will never throw myself under the bus unless life takes a bigger chunk of flesh than I can afford to lose.
It better be huge ’cause I’m not going down without first going to the wall.
Remember, life’s not over ’til it’s over and not one second sooner.
10 RULES FOR SURVIVING THE BABY BOOM
1] DO WHAT YOU LOVE, EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT PART-TIME.
2] WORKOUT ON A DAILY BASIS. IT’S THE VERY LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELF.
3] CHALLENGE YOURSELF EVERY DAY.
4] GET A GRIP ON TECHNOLOGY. IT’S A NEW WORLD ORDER YOU DON’T WANT TO BE LEFT OUT OF.
5] CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, ALL PEOPLE. CONTRIBUTE, LISTEN, LEARN.
6] EAT CLEAN, LIVE CLEAN, THINK DIRTY THOUGHTS.
7] RUTS ARE LIKE SPEED-BUMPS. THEY COME AND GO. MAKE SURE THEY DON’T TAKE PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN YOUR LIFE.
8] NEVER, EVER LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN’T DO, BE AND NOT BE.
9] BELIEVE IN YOURSELF OR NO ONE ELSE WILL, PARTICULARLY AT THIS STAGE OF THE GAME.
10] YOU’RE ONLY AS IRRELEVANT AS YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE. STAY IN THE GAME OF LIFE AND YOU’LL GET ALL THE APPLAUSE YOU CAN HANDLE.
I only know this stuff because I see what happens to older men who buy into someone else’s version of the truth.
Godspeed.
Duncan Bannatyne, 66 & Nigora Whitehorn, 35
The fact that Bannatyne is rich and his girlfriend a native of Uzbekistan is all people need to know before piling on.
The familiar refrain from women is laced with the same tired adjectives: ““Cringe” “puke” “vomit” “creepy” in any order.
From young men it’s the all-too-familiar realization that “rich guys still get the girls.”
And feminists consider it a complete betrayal: “Women prostitute themselves and somehow betray those women who, for example, choose to tough it out in the workplace.”
I understand the vitriol, the envy.
I understand that it’s life out of order, and that it is threatening to those who want a predictable, linear story.
But that world is long gone, except in smaller enclaves outside of big cities where groups like Quakers live as people did 200 years ago.
From all of these stories – and there are more than I could possibly count in a lifetime – there are a few things I’d like to share with the detractors:
To young men —
1] Rather than hurling invective at your older brethren, you should relish the fact that in exchange for a life well lived, you earn bigger dividends down the road.
To young women —
2] For those with enough youth and beauty to barter, the 60-hour work week is a thing of the past.
To feminists —
3] Life’s a food chain.
Photo: Freya Najade
If You’re Lucky You Get Old is an exhibition by photographer Freya Najade, chronicling the first thing she learned from the elderly people she visited whilst traveling the United States. At a time where the elderly are ostracized, or, in Najade’s words, ‘hardly seem to exist’, conjuring images of ‘wrinkles, disease and decay’, the artist was surprised that the people she met and photographed were not only proud of their age but were ‘still falling in love and breaking up.
Many of you will find these images difficult to look at.
They are largely UN-retouched, straightforward, brutally honest.
In short, not something we see a lot of in in a culture obsessed with youth and beauty.
Most older people are invisible to us, irrelevant, and for all intents and purposes, gone.
But as the oldest Baby Boomers edge closer to 70, we’re about to fall victim to the very culture we created.
Of course, we don’t all age at the same rate.
This is a result of our lifestyle choices as you will see.
~~~
Richard Gere is decades younger than the man in the above photo, but you’d only know this from a birth certificate.
Unlike many men his age, Gere has chosen to let himself go.
This is a choice, not an inevitable destiny.
That he is dating the stunning Alejandra Silva, 32, mother of one, only adds to the cliche that love is only as deep as one’s investment portfolio.
So let’s take a look at other men his age and then let you decide what constitutes “old”
If any of the following 5 men were seen in the company of a 32 year old woman, you’d never hear a word from critics who claim “it’s all money, honey,” followed closely by “Ewwww,” and, of course, the old standbys, “Creepy” and “cringe-worthy.”
1] Sting, 63
2] Bruce Springsteen, 65
3] Samuel L. Jackson, 66
Jeff Bridges, 65
Kurt Russell, 64
In this case, I chose rich, famous actors who’s job it is to stay fit.
But many civilians [men not known in the context of popular culture] who happen to be in their middle 60’s are even fitter.
Men who practice Crossfit, for example, are some of the fittest guys I have ever known, shaming men half their age.
It’s all a choice.
How much effort we’re willing to put forth to be the very best that we can be?
For many, it’s very little: Consume a few veggies [when absolutely, positively necessary], do a little walking…and maybe add a glass of water between shots of vodka.
This is normal, average.
For the rest of us, life is a full-on crucible filled with challenges no one ever thought we’d be strong enough to face.
But here we are in the midst of a never-ending war of attrition, doing what we have to do to stand tall in the face of adversity.
Talk about relevance.
Staying fit is the very definition of it, closely followed closely by money.
Of course, there is disagreement about the order, as evidenced by Richard Gere.
The most successful homegrown solo star of all time, worth upwards of £350 million, Stewart has enjoyed 31 hit singles, a dozen of which, including Maggie May, You’re In My Heart, Sailing, Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?, Baby Jane and The First Cut Is The Deepest, are incontestable classics.
Yea, he missed the Baby Boom Gen by 1 year, but most of us “youngster” Boomers still consider him a member of the club.
Rod Stewart does not require introduction. You already know who he is, what he’s done, what he thinks about beautiful women, wine and song.
He is, for all intents and purposes, the very definition of relevance for a man who just turned 70.
How does he do it, keep going the way he does, feeling so alive?
1] He is fueled by a vast array of success that has paved the way for healthy self-esteem at his stage of life.
Note: There is a direct correlation between self esteem and perceived accomplishment.
2] He is happily married to a beautiful young woman who has had his back for over 2 decades.
Note: There is a direct correlation between a happy family life and longevity.
3] He continues to work, to produce to be engaged in life from every angle imaginable: Music, family, sports, car collecting, real estate…etc…
Note: The moment a man retires, his descent escalates.
4] He stay fit and healthy with help from a personal trainer, and watches his alcohol consumption, which at one time was plenty enough to sink a battleship.
Note: Maintaining physical health is one of life’s great challenges for older men, and also it’s most rewarding.
5] He appreciates where he is in life and maintains balance.
Note: Balance is key to a long, healthy life. Without it you’re just a rat on a wheel.
~~~
I know that many of you will say “Yea, I’m sure it is nice being a rich rock star with homes on several continents. No surprise he’s doing well!”
Points taken.
But many extraordinarily successful rock stars overdosed before their 30th birthdays.
1] Be a famous rock ‘n roll musician
2] Be a famous actor
3] Write a bestselling novel that becomes a blockbuster movie.
4] Create a new social media platform, like Facebook.
5] Be a famous talk show host, because that’s what talk show hosts are…
Okay, okay I get it. Not everyone is a multi-millionaire celebrity actor-rock star-writer-creator-talk show host….blah blah blah…
But understand that not being in one of the aforementioned categories constitutes being “nobody’ in the context of popular culture.
Seriously.
Of course, most thinking people know that “relevance” isn’t measured by popular culture, though graduate level courses may soon be required to clear up the confusion.
MANIFESTATIONS OF THE PATHOGEN
Post something mildly controversial to any online article and you can count on someone responding with something along the lines of “Who are you?” “Go back to your dead end job!” “You’re a nobody! How much do you make?”
Of course, they could be addressing someone who discovered the cure for Tuberculosis, but it wouldn’t matter because they assume that people who do great things are on the cover of People Magazine, like the rest of the gods, beyond the breath and scope of man.
This is the voice of America’s collective unconscious: We are invisible. We don’t matter. No one cares.
This psycho-pathology then takes a dangerous turn: “I have to make them care. I have to make them notice me. I have to make myself matter [to them, not to me, because I can’t validate myself].”
Road rage is another manifestation of this nightmare: “You think I’m nobody? “Not for long, MF!”
Then the manifestos left by people who commit mass murder in schoolyards: “You will remember me. I will live forever!”
~~~
All of this is the back noise of our culture that affects people of all ages, races and creeds to one degree or another.
Take affluent older men, for example.
What makes them relevant if they happen not to fall into the aforementioned categories?
1] A desire – and ability to – engage people of all ages.
2] Staying in shape, serious shape.
3] Reading, listening, learning always.
4] Knowing technology, the lifeblood of our era.
5] Refusing to babble on about artificial hips, aching joints, and dead and dying friends.
6] Challenging themselves every day, even if it’s sitting still and at peace for 5 minutes a day.
7] Throwing their shoulders back and moving forward like they mean it, not like someone’s dragging them.
8] Staying clear of convention when it suits them.
9] Going to therapy to help separate self-perception from delusion.
10] Not allowing other people to determine how they feel about themselves.
People admire those who aren’t affected by other people, who live their own lives, true to themselves.
“There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate . . . up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.” Bill Murray in Rolling Stone interview
http://thenewdaily.com.au/entertainment/2014/11/06/bill-murray-worlds-regular-guy/
We can’t change our actual age, be we can certainly change the way we approach it.
I challenge destiny every day of my life.
I also challenge beliefs [my own included], tackle misconceptions, and don’t let life roll over me.
It will if you let it.
Remember, life is a food chain and you are dinner unless you matter more alive.
Male Grooming Arnold Ferrier Photo Bill Morton
As you will note in the article [above], chest shaving has become commonplace.
It’s also one of many manifestations of what many middle-aged men do once they have achieved a considerable measure of success.
Without that one element [success], there is no rationale for self-idolatry.
~~~
I know this guy in the restaurant business.
When he started out, it was all humility; dressing down, shaking hands, strung out in the quest for relevance.
Then over time and a lot of hard work, his efforts paid off.
He became the proud co-owner of a successful string of hip urban bistro’s with lots of national notice.
Eventually, like others of new-found success, he upgraded his car, his home…his lifestyle.
But something else happened as well: He changed his appearance. All of it.
His once thin frame now boasts long, lean muscle wrapped in a bronze glaze.
His chest, arms, back and legs are completely shaven.
His clothing went from $16 Haynes 100% cotton Tees to $180 John Varvatos V-Neck Jersey Knits.
His Timex “Ironman” was replaced with an assortment of bracelets of various materials and designs; the accouterments of celebrities, rock stars…and wealthy older men who don’t have to care what you think of them, which is how you know they’ve “arrived.”
Gone are the days of the obligatory handshake with a smile.
That’s also been upgraded to a certain vibe of self-righteous aloofness suggestive of someone who now resents how much ass they had to kiss to get to where they are, and now its payback time.
~~~
Without success, older men fade.
They don’t have the fuel to propel change.
In this sense, success is like a transfusion.
While average people adapt to circumstances and resign themselves to an average existence, successful tend to men stand out in crowds.
Even those who practice humility cannot hide the lining of confidence that follows them wherever they go.
In a way, they’re like beacons of hope in an otherwise paralyzing existential nightmare.
And people wonder why The Kardashians are America’s first family.
When I was 28 I ran into a guy at my gym who happened to be 33, which, at the time, I considered “old.”
Then I did the math and that very afternoon had my first midlife crisis.
Back then older men were out of shape, heavy drinkers, Viceroy smokers…and resigned to life’s inevitable destiny, which was usually just around the corner.
Then as I got older I noticed that the boundaries became a lot more flexible.
~~~
First identified by Elliot Jacques in 1965 – around the time The Beatles were in the studio working on “Rubber Soul” – the term “midlife crisis” became widely known after it began to be used by Freudian psychologists.
Among them was Carl Jung, who considered it a normal part of adult maturation — the time during which people “took stock of themselves.”
In other words, “What have I done with my life? And furthermore, “Is it enough to pave the way for reasonably healthy self-esteem?”
Jung placed this period in life midway between adulthood and the end of life, which today is anybody’s guess.
Then Erik Erikson, the theorist known for creating the “8 Stages of Development,” explained it as a transition during the stage he called “middle adulthood.”
As I see it, it’s a kind of Post-Modern Renaissance where things like depression, anxiety, and increased alcohol and drug use lead to relief through psychotherapy and medication.
But distraction is not the same as, so many focus their attention on things like hookers and Vicodin that don’t remind them of where they actually are.
But there is a lot of debate these days over whether this crisis is biologically or environmentally based, some believing it is primarily triggered by signs of physical aging [i.e., feeling trapped in a body they no longer recognize], loss of potency for men, and a crappy investment portfolio.
In my view, it’s a little of both.
1] We live longer, so we have more time to contemplate reality, which everyone agrees is a bad idea when you’re no longer 25.
2] We expect to be happier than we should be for middle aged adults, so we spend an inordinate amount of time looking for it.
No one is happier at middle age than we are as young men and women no matter what we tell ourselves.
No wonder everyone is always talking about the virtues of acceptance.
If that makes you happy, great.
Life gives and takes in equal measure. Get used to it.
3] The changing gender roles left men and women financially co-dependent, so while women are today just as likely to have extramarital affairs, buy sports cars and act like juvenile delinquents, we see that the divorce rates are dropping because it isn’t worth the financial hit.
Better to keep the 7-figure house and country club membership than go back to apartment living.
So now who’s “midlife crisis” is it?
We’re both in an emerging maturity crisis and it’s not pretty.
NOTES
Midlife crisis is a term first coined by Elliott Jaques referring to a critical phase in human development during the forties to early sixties, based on the character of change points, or periods of transition. The period is said to vary among individuals and between men and women. Despite popular perception of this phenomenon, empirical research has failed to show that the midlife crisis is a universal experience, or even a real condition at all.
Erik Erikson’s 8 Stages of Development:
How it manifests in men and women:
Men I know revisit their childhoods with 1000 times the cash and only a modicum of additional maturity. They buy houses and cars, take lots of vacations, have their bodies waxed and sculpted, and purchase Filipino prostitutes on the Internet hoping they will love them for who they are.
Older women bond with other single women through travel, book clubs and social events.
Clearly, they are better at acceptance than are men, and, at this writing, usually inherit their estates.
Dan Housey, 58, in New Orleans
This site has become a beacon for Baby Boomers who work hard, play hard and live right.
Winners, all of them.
Images like this one sent to me yesterday make all the hard work we do around here worth the effort.
Onward!
Congratulations, Dan!
Note: Feel free to share this on social media.