How Success Changes Middle Aged Men

Male Grooming Arnold Ferrier Photo Bill Morton

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2893083/Would-let-husband-shave-chest-growing-trend-middle-aged-men-wives-say.html

As you will note in the article [above], chest shaving has become commonplace.

It’s also one of many manifestations of what many middle-aged men do once they have achieved a considerable measure of success.

Without that one element [success], there is no rationale for self-idolatry.

~~~

I know this guy in the restaurant business.

When he started out, it was all humility; dressing down, shaking hands, strung out in the quest for relevance.

Then over time and a lot of hard work, his efforts paid off.

He became the proud co-owner of a successful string of hip urban bistro’s with lots of national notice.

Eventually, like others of new-found success, he upgraded his car, his home…his lifestyle.

But something else happened as well: He changed his appearance. All of it.

His once thin frame now boasts long, lean muscle wrapped in a bronze glaze.

His chest, arms, back and legs are completely shaven.

His clothing went from $16 Haynes 100% cotton Tees to $180 John Varvatos V-Neck Jersey Knits.

His Timex “Ironman” was replaced with an assortment of bracelets of various materials and designs; the accouterments of celebrities, rock stars…and wealthy older men who don’t have to care what you think of them, which is how you know they’ve “arrived.”

Gone are the days of the obligatory handshake with a smile.

That’s also been upgraded to a certain vibe of self-righteous aloofness suggestive of someone who now resents how much ass they had to kiss to get to where they are, and now its payback time.

~~~

Without success, older men fade.

They don’t have the fuel to propel change.

In this sense, success is like a transfusion.

While average people adapt to circumstances and resign themselves to an average existence, successful tend to men stand out in crowds.

Even those who practice humility cannot hide the lining of confidence that follows them wherever they go.

In a way, they’re like beacons of hope in an otherwise paralyzing existential nightmare.

And people wonder why The Kardashians are America’s first family.

Is Izabel Goulart the Preferred Female Physique of the Successful Older Man?

Victoria’s Secret model, Izabel Goulart, 30, 5’9,” 117 lbs.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3250622/Supermodel-Izabel-Goulart-puts-cheeky-display-tiny-bikini-frolics-beach-Rio-Janeiro.html

Disclaimer: What older men claim to prefer in terms of physical proportion in women –– and what they actually crave behind closed door are often two entirely different things.

This aside, according to the vast – and I mean VAST – majority of affluent older men I happen to know, the preference is “skinny and proportionate” like Ms. Goulart [above].

In fact, this look has become so ingrained in this upper echelon demographic that every woman exhibits symptoms of an eating disorder.

But why exactly do such men choose skinny women over what every poll ever conducted in the history of mankind has indicted: a preference for curves?

Top 6 Reasons:

#1] They’re “safe.”

Skinny is the safe choice. No one will put you down for choosing a thin woman.

The are no “saddlebags” references or related vitriol likely to embarrass and man who wants the world to see his conquest on an existential plane.

#2] Easy to physically maneuver, mostly in bed.

Fem-bigot-ageist narrative suggests that men prefer skinny women because they are easier to physically dominate.

While this is certainly true, one must also understand that older men are less inclined to make sex a full-on workout, so the more a woman can do the better.

#3] The smaller they are, the bigger “you” are.

As every man who sleeps with women knows, the bigger they are the smaller “you” look.

Conversely, the smaller they are, the more you resemble a porn star.

I’ve heard men say that a drop in just 10 pounds can add a full inch in both length and girth.

On a related note, men report that with skinny women they can penetrate deeper because there are no “fat ass cheeks or thighs to work around.”

And while I have little experience in this regard, it does make sense from the standpoint of basic physics.

#4] Look great in designer apparel, or anything else for that matter.

As one man put it, “I have dated a few tall skinny model types, and there is absolutely a feeling of “Winning” with one by your side. I have precious little use for social standing at this point in my life but it is a nice, unique perk.”

Such women are born and bred for fashion, which is why they go to Gucci instead of Target.

Their commodity value hinges on their ability to morph into whatever a man of the world envisions his mate to look like, particularly in public.

And because their frames of reference are all the same, their women tend to resemble one another.

#5] Good future prospects of maintaining desirable weight.

Like any investment, men are looking at all aspects of an acquisition, longevity being one of them.

If he builds a house today, will it be just as attractive 20 years from now?

So while “curvy” women may be fun for many in the bedroom, skinnier ones hold up better for long-term relationships and/or marriage

#6] They just look smarter and more sophisticated.

While superior intelligence has no basis in truth, skinny women just look smarter.

They certainly understand affluent older men.

Of course, the same applies to prostitutes.

Jon Stewart on “Relevance Waning”

http://www.etonline.com/awards/emmys/172325_jon_stewart_makes_promise_final_daily_show_emmy_speech/

“To everybody on television, I just want to tell you, cling to it as long as you can,” Stewart advised onstage. “Like death, like in the Titanic. Cling to it!”

Stewart admitted that his time away from TV hasn’t been easy.

“I’ve been off of television for six weeks, seven weeks, whatever it is, this is the first applause I’ve heard. It is a barren wasteland out there,” Stewart deadpanned.

~~~

I write a lot about “relevance” in the context of older men, and how the lack of it is akin to surgical castration.

Nobody – and I mean, NOBODY! – I gives that up without a fight.

When it’s gone, the fallout is always in the news:

Retired athlete now a drug addict; baron of business blows his brains out when risk trumps reward; once-famous actor fades into oblivion under a street lamp in the dead of night with a needle in his arm.

What keeps successful men alive is R E L E V A N C E.

Donald Trump once stated, “…there is nothing more voracious than this man’s hunger for wealth, fame and power,” and after being exposed to many such men in my life, the statement couldn’t be more true.

With this in mind, Stewart isn’t going anywhere.

He misses the applause, the notoriety, the power in a way similar to addicts when on the precipice of withdrawal.

It’s intoxicating.

Ask any retired rock musician what he misses most and the first sentence out of his mouth is “I miss my fans.”

I have a friend who is in various businesses, but the one he loves most is music.

When he’s on stage, he is someone else – infused with life, happy.

When it’s over, he goes back to the other guy, the one who’s a bit resigned, frustrated, bittersweet, sensitive, mildly depressed.

Once you’re on stage there’s no where else to go, particularly when you’re Stewart’s age with decades ahead of you … to do what? Fish?

There are men who’ve made fortunes many times over and are happy to live in relative obscurity with their riches and anonymity.

In fact, many claim to prefer this to fame of any kind.

But the vast majority of them still need some place to hang a shingle, whether it’s starting a charitable foundation, writing books, lecturing, or buying gold-diggers.

Without purpose, we’re nothing more than a memory with a large bank account, which is never big enough to fill in all the empty spaces.

Nothing fills the void when you feel like you no longer matter, even when you do to everyone, but yourself.

No wonder famous rock musicians continue to tour long after the money’s made, – and talk show hosts go on set, night after night, to the sound of their bands, famous guests and high Arbitron ratings.

The moment they walk away, they fade from relevance and time does what it always does.

As an older man who has done a lot with his life, I can personally attest to the fact that people like me don’t lie down for long because an idle life is, indeed, a “barren wasteland.”

We all need a purpose, and for Jon, it’s DEFINITELY another show.

What “Normal” Looks Like for Rich, Big City Boomers

Buzz Bissinger, 60 with Caitlyn Jenner, 65

I thought this picture was interesting, so I decided to share it with you.

I have nothing more to say…other than the fact that enough money and success have a way of opening doors to behavior that might otherwise remain hidden behind pleated khakis and anonymous Internet hook-ups.

~~~

The Truth About Online Dating at Middle Age

If you think delusion was rampant among adolescents, try this!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-martin/online-dating-profile_b_7524482.html

I talk to older men all the time about their online dating exploits and its never pretty, mostly because the women in question bear no resemblance to the ones in the profiles.

As for older women, they seem to have a better time of it – at least in the short run – because while the men are generally polite and attentive, they tend to disappear after the check’s signed.

So what’s up?

As I enumerate, ad nausea, in my new book, Urban Dystrophy [Amazon], expectations always supersede reality.

The article cites a pet peeves of men, the usual suspects:

1] Too many pets.

2] Photoshopped images.

3] Looking for perfection.

4] Claim to be athletic, but aren’t.

5] Presenting boudoir shots while demanding respect.

6] Complaining about men.

~~~

Let’s break this down:

1] Many women acquire pets when men fail to live up to their expectations.

After enough defeated expectations, many women turn to animals and call it a family.

I’ve dated a few of these, and believe me when I tell you, it’s a nightmare for any man. Not only does he have to deal one manifestation of her PTSD, but he’s also dealing with her “kids.”

So why does she want a man when she already has animals?

2] Photoshopping is a pandemic not unlike the black plague, but with a higher emotional kill rate.

Women Photoshop-to-death virtually every image they post of themselves after the age of 40.

By the time they hit 45, their skin looks like Barbie’s molded rubber face.

Men know all about this, which is why they should demand a driver’s license number and birth certificate.

Women set themselves up for disaster knowing full well that men see with their eyes first before they consider anything else, including everything else.

3] Prince Charming does not exist at this juncture in life.

Now you’re balancing commodities, one against another. If the plus column is bigger than the minus column, consider yourself lucky.

I know it sounds weird, but most men had lives before they met you.

Now they have mortgages, therapy bills and a bipolar ex or two lurking just around the corner.

No matter what they look like, just know that what you see is rarely what you get.

On a final note, they have the same expectations in their heads and are ten times more likely to pay for what they can find on the Internet.

4] “Athletic and toned” is the buzz-phrase for every woman who wants a man, any man.

Here’s a quote on this topic from my new book:

“…a woman who runs five miles a day may think she’s in great shape, in spite of the fact that she doesn’t have great shape. Athletic accomplishments don’t balance emaciation, stretch marks, and sun damage no matter how you spin it.”

I always suggest to women that they ignore what men tell them about how perfect their bodies are, and instead, focus their attention on whether or not the phone rings after the first date.

5] Boudoir shots against a backdrop of “I want a serious relationship” are a contradiction in strategy.

Men see half naked shots as an open invitation to exploit what appears to be an Internet sex addiction, not meet a woman who’s open-minded in the bedroom.

Keep in mind that shots posted on the internet are, in fact, on the internet! Not in a scrapbook! Does any man with a reputation to uphold want those shots of you all over cyberspace?

6] Bitching about men is like telling everyone your best days are behind you.

We’ve all had bad break-ups, crappy dates, defeated expectations.

But any kid will tell you that the one thing that reveals a person’s age more than anything else is the constant bitching.

Young people don’t bitch because they’re young. Old people do bitch because they’re old.

Got it?

Bottom line, nobody wants to inherit your toxic waste anymore than they want to care for your parakeets.

SUMMARY

Older men already know that older women who post online profiles are probably in deep water.

When a woman is in her early 30’s its fine because many are steeped in their careers and have little time to meet and mingle.

But once a woman hits her mid 40’s, think of it as a suspect line-up.

This is why the best policy for older women trawling the internet for dates is as follows:

1] State your age [fudging 1 or 2 years is fine. 10 should constitute a class-1 felony.

2] State your education, including degrees from online institutions.

3] State any clinical diagnosis, including personality disorders.

4] State the number of marriages that have failed.

5] State the number of children you have, and don’t state that they’re the “love of your life” or the guy will run away from what he perceives to be an already established family.

6] State your financial situation [i.e., I’m broke and looking for a job, or I’m currently unemployed].

What an older man wants to hear from an older woman is something along the lines of “I have my own business and don’t need you to pay my mortgage.”

7] If you are fit as you state, he’ll see it in your photos. So make sure they are close-up…and crystal clear.

If you attempt to overly indulge in Photoshop, he’ll see that too.

8] Many women state very specific age preferences, which is about as ludicrous as it sounds, given the fact that what they have to barter is less than what most successful older men have to tolerate.

Of course, if you’re Madonna, you can find a gold-digger who’ll love you for who you are.

Get real.

We all have to after a certain point.

Middle-Aged Married Men and the “Other” Women in Their Lives […and vice-versa]

Houston, we have a problem.

Infidelity is an enormously complicated issue – or an enormously simple one, depending on how you look at it.

Nonetheless, the “faithful” continue to surge.

“…there are almost definitely at least 187,000 faithful spouses who would still vehemently argue that Houston has about 187,000 too many adulterers.”

http://www.houstonpress.com/news/should-the-ashley-madison-hack-have-houstonians-worried-7608927

Want the actual membership numbers across the fruited plain?

Check them out here:

http://247wallst.com/special-report/2015/07/02/10-cities-with-the-most-adultery/2/

If you’re interested in knowing where The Impact Team plans to dump the exposed member names, IP addresses, home addresses, and sexual predilections, check here:

http://pastebin.com/Kty5xBiv

~~~

So why did all this happen in the first place?

There’s always been infidelity. It’s not like it suddenly surfaced in the 21st century.

But why has it reached such epidemic proportions?

1] Is marriage, as an institution, dying?

2] Is feminism to blame?

3] Has sexual morality finally reached a point where its considered relative?

4] Have couples who married in their 20’s finally outgrown one another?

5] Has the Internet contributed to cultural addiction to higher highs?

In my view, it’s all of the above.

~~~

If you ask older men why they stray, their responses are usually the same: “I’m no longer attracted to my aging and obese spouse [in so many words].”

If men are programmed to perpetuate and spread their genes, then the go-to female is going to be young, and probably, beautiful.

It kinda sells itself.

But this is also the most infuriating to women as both genders grow old at the same rates, yet women still prefer men within 5 years of their age.

Needless to say, this places them at a distinct disadvantage, as they often find it almost impossible to find suitable mates.

They either choose much younger partners [who usually play the role of gold-digger], or spend the rest of their lives in the company of female friends, traveling the world and finding new avenues of interest.

There are exceptions, but once women pass a certain chronological point, it’s over.

So how exactly do couples prevent this from happening?

They have to keep pace with one another.

When middle-aged men become bored with their middle-aged wives, it’s most often because they have fallen out of shape, and with it, the youthful vitality that attracted the men to them in the first place.

Most men understand – and accept the fact – that both genders age, but in cases I’m most familiar with, the man cannot accept the fact that while he is in the gym every day, she’s on the couch.

The once collegiate volleyball player is now a frumpy matron, which breeds resentment.

“I’ve accomplished so many things in my life and this is what I’m left with???”

He wants the woman he married, albeit a more mature version, while she just wants a place to rest her head.

Clearly, one of them has given up.

Even in cases where neither party was particularly athletic, but one decides at middle age to get in the best shape of his or her life, the expectation is that the other will do the same, rather than wallow in self-pity and divorce papers.

In the end, couples have to grow together…and in the same general direction.

They owe it to one another if the perpetuity of their marriages means anything to them.

But people do change, and sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that the woman you married back at Georgetown is not the same woman today.

This is where couples either sit down and renegotiate the terms of their marriage, or move on.

The rest split apart while staying married for the sake of children, finances, and the passive love one acquires after so many years with the same person.

Marriage, like aging, is not for the faint of heart.

It’s a battle to the finish line both literally and figuratively.

The question you have to ask yourself is…Is it one worth fighting?

Note: “Fighting” does not denote misery.

We do battle every day of our lives, and the suicide rate is still lower than than the murder rate by a wide margin.

~~~

To Manscape or Not to Manscape?

Brian Viner for Daily Mail

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3148986/Wax-away-hairy-man-chest-Brian-Viner-gave-try.html

In my urban slice of the socioeconomic pie, manscaping is considered normal maintenance for older men.

But this does require some degree of qualification: Vain-ish older men.

Not pathologically vain, but vain within reason in large metropolitan circles.

Appearance is survival in these places – for both men and women.

When I was a young man I had chest hair.

Of course, it was also the 80’s, so there’s that.

But when you’re in your 20’s, chest hair also ends to behave.

It grows in certain areas, but not in others.

It’s not invasive.

A little brown tuft in the middle of one’s chest is fine.

But as we age it starts to spread like influenza in what I assume is a last ditch effort to remind us of our primordial genesis, which helps prepare us for death.

But vain men don’t want to die anymore than women want to ditch their plastic surgeons.

So we fight back.

Brian Viner [above] is NOT what most men in my world look like…with or without the chest hair.

Appearance is not high on his list of priorities.

Why this is I don’t know.

Some men just don’t care, which is why they find others just like themselves.

Together, they live in gated suburban communities.

This is one reason he looks ridiculous without chest hair.

If my chest looked like that I wouldn’t shave it either.

The more hair, the more coverage. Great.

But for men who take pride in their appearances, the last thing they want is an unattended lawn.

I can’t even remember the last time I saw one of these guy, to be honest with you.

It’s not that I don’t see chest hair. I do.

But it’s “good” chest hair. Clustered, trimmed and even.

The rest either shave it off, or have it lasered by one of the 20,000,000 salons on every street corner in Houston.

For the guys who opt to maintain – rather than rid – the one thing no one in their right mind does is parade around with hair on their backs.

In some zip codes it’s considered a class 3 misdemeanor.

In mine it’s a felony.

Here is Mr. Viner’s back, and why he would be doing community service around here:

I know, it’s horrific.

But this is considered normal, again, in some circles…not mine.

People just don’t walk around like this unless they have some psychiatric disability.

But allow me to point out [yet again] that Mr. Viner’s back is also soft and out of shape, which further reflects his lack of concern for appearance, and thus, the need for him to find refuge in insulated culture groups.

I always go back to this point because in America there are two distinctly different worlds:

One is Urban, the other rural and/or suburban.

Each have their own set of values.

And while some men work in big cities, they always go back to where they came from to avoid jail time.

There’s an upside to everything.

To close, the photograph below is what older men in my world consider normal:

“Aging Gracefully” is a Contradiction in Terms

How does she do it?

http://celebritypost.net/christie-brinkley-plastic-surgery/

No one ages gracefully.

Just compare a well “maintained” woman of 60 with that of a dime store cashier of the same age, and it appears to be two entirely different species.

SF Chronicle columnist Rob Morse, refers to what it takes to win the battle of aging as “ritual mutilation of the wealthy.”

But regardless what he and other social critics have to say about the sad state of today’s supposedly enlightened women, no one in their right mind is going to fall apart in front of their friends if they want repeat invitations to cocktail parties and galas.

It’s kind of like not owning the right shoes and handbags, for God’s sake.

Of course, unlike like shoes and handbags, the old mantra “you can never have too many” doesn’t work as well on the operating table.

Profile of an Aging Narcissist

Socialite Fraudster Edward Davenport [Google him]

When you’re young and beautiful, the world can kiss your ass.

You have nothing to prove that isn’t already obvious, which is plenty enough.

But as you get older and your sense of self-worth [as a man] is tied largely to your lifelong accomplishments [including the ones in your own head], the prospect of fading “relevance” becomes terrifying.

Now what?

This juncture marks the onset of what I refer to as the narcissists crucible, “a place of occasion or test of severe trial” where anything can, and usually will manifest in order to keep the boat from sinking like a jackhammer.

Note: The following is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. It just seems like it does.

My name is Aristotle “Ari” Lazarov of Monaco, and I am a clinical narcissist. My 5th wife, Christina, is my enabler. Together we have 12 children.

Note: What I narcissists would admit so I wouldn’t have to run an intervention on their delusions.

I have a wonderful relationship with all my ex-wives because it behooves social climbers to keep their mouths shut.

Needless to say, they have nothing to stand on without party invitations, and therefore, everything to lose.

Note: He should know.

I am an extraordinarily good-looking man in spite of my age [which changes every 5 minutes, or just stays where it is for years at a time].

Note: Narcissists never fail to compliment themselves.

I dine at the right restaurants, drive the right cars, belong to the right clubs, know the right people, and wear acceptable designer apparel recognized by people who know and appreciate the finer things in life.

Note: He never wears anything that people who host photo-op-worthy cocktail parties and fundraisers might find distasteful, since party invitations are the lifeblood of his existence.

I stay in top physical condition through regular workouts with my personal trainer. I also maintain healthy eating habits, and take herbal testosterone that replenishes everything stolen by age, about which I remain in denial.

Note: It’s a simple equation, really.

I have a home in Houston, an apartment in NYC, and a family compound outside Paris.

Note: Doesn’t everyone?

The other specifics of my life are up to you and your imagination. If I’ve been successful, you’ll imagine big.

Note: The narcissist stays light on the details and heavy on innuendo to keep the fantasies alive long after death, which is just as important as life in most cases.

~~~

My name is Christina Lazarov, wife to my handsome and successful husband, Aristotle.

Note: I’m an enabler, remember?

Whatever my last name used to be is irrelevant because my life back then was irrelevant […not that it doesn’t haunt me in the middle of the night when I remember feeling something rather than nothing at all].

Note: This is something she should have broached in therapy, but because therapists lean in the direction of healing, she found a Pilates instructor.

Now my world is glamorous [pretentious], transcendent [privileged], and blissful [spaced-out], as everyone who’s anyone knows.

Note: Reflection [aka external affirmation] is heroin to any Stepford Wife with a working knowledge of the Devil’s Crossroads.

SUMMARY

1] Aging narcissist-socialites attend parties for the photo ops, not for the charities themselves.

In fact, many of them don’t even know the charities they’re attending, given the number of stops one must make on a particular night, particularly during cultural season.

“Oh is this the Opera gala? Of course it is!”

2] Old money doesn’t want the publicity.

New money can’t live without it.

Note the outrageously expensive and pretentious automobiles cars lined up in perfect formation in front of gold digging establishments.

Money is thrown around like party favors. Think of it as a carbon credit for people who don’t know better.

3] The aging narcissist sits on the fence between old and new, driving cars that are expensive, but not pretentious.

Wearing clothing that is stylish, but not trendy and/and garish.

And generally behaving in a manner reflective of sophistication and cultural maturity, in spits of the fact that it’s a ruse.

In this sense, they’re the lowest of the low because no one has any idea who they really are, including themselves.

I could go on.

Back to the Future

Clint Eastwood, happy 85th

William Shatner, happy 84th

The man you now know as “Raymond Reddington,” happy 55th

Chevy Chase, happy 71st

Gary Oldham, happy 57th

Robert Redford, happy 78th

Martin Sheen, happy 74th

Jeff Bridges, happy 65th

Jay Rusovich [me], happy 59th

~~~

When I was growing up this is what these guys looked like, myself included.

We no longer look this way, but it’s important to note that all of us travel through life in the same progression.

We all know what youth looked and felt like, because at one time, we were also maladjusted teenagers pulling figure-8’s on someone’s golf course in the middle of the night.

I bring this up also because in spite of the fact that youth is still a middle-aged man’s most precious commodity, I never appreciated it until it was gone.

Now I pay through the teeth for it.

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