Retirement Bliss? Hardly.

Death or boredom?

I’ll get back to you on that.

http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/retirement/retirement-is-making-people-more-miserable-than-ever-before/ar-AAhNNSI?li=BBnbfcL

The concept of retirement has been around a long time. But since it’s inception it’s evolved.

In days gone by [around the time the Stones started touring the U.S.], most people were happy to work pretty much anywhere and die pretty much anywhere, because working and dying soon thereafter was considered a normal part of the human experience.

The short time between the day one decided to leave work behind forever and the day his eulogy was read was no more than a few years, so it made sense to take a few last walks on a beach before lights out.

Now a 60-year-old man in good physical and financial health is like an adolescent all over again, and, as you may remember, keeping them quiet for 5 minutes was a pain in the ass.

You’d have to lock them in a room and bolt the doors and windows.

Fast-forward 40 years or so and they reemerge, this time around with bucket lists that include 1] climbing specific mountains, 2] getting new and improved wives, 3] starting new business ventures…and/or finding ways to keep doing what they’ve always done, but on their own time.

You can’t walk a beach forever when you’re in your 60’s or you’ll be walking for the next 30 years.

I only know one man who still does this, but he’s in his late 80’s and didn’t officially retire until about 5 years ago, mostly because he ran out of funds to keep playing the game.

So no. Retirement is a premature death sentence to most people of retirement age who still feel very much alive and well.

As I’ve said so many times before that I’m blue in the face, people don’t die off at 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 the way they used to.

In fact, some don’t seem to die at all as evidenced by the number of childbirths attributed to men in their 80’s with wives in their mid-20’s who’ve been known to add another 20 years to a man’s life.

4 Nannies + 2 Twins = How Money Evens the Playing Field

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, 69, and his wife Sally, 38, tend to their newborns, Gracie Jane and Alice Rose.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-3660312/Full-house-Ronnie-Wood-69-hires-FOUR-nannies-help-wife-Sally-Wood-38-tend-newborn-twins-Gracie-Jane-Alice-Rose.html

~~~

In days gone by [lots of them], a man of 69 was, for the most part, on his death bed.

The very last thing he was doing was having children with a woman 30 years his junior.

Then something happened [a lot, actually], and this same man is now clean and sober [for the most part, I assume], propped up by the miracles of medical science, and thus, living like there’s no tomorrow.

This is what fame and fortune [fame + money = relevance] does for most men.

It’s like a blood transfusion that just keeps giving and giving.

You’ll note that many of the comments under the article are dismissive of him and his “relationship.”

People simply can’t resist the temptation to criticize his motives, and hers.

Nothing is real. It’s all one big endless past time for a man who has nothing left to do with the time he’s not touring.

Well let’s get real.

No one in their right mind has kids at 69 without the ability to afford nannies…lots of them.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be a part of their lives, just not all of it.

As for his young wife, she’ll do her part, with lots of help, while her husband does what he does when he wants to do it, because like he’s Ronnie Wood and the scales have to balance somewhere.

Wealthy older men have reached a point in their lives where they just don’t give a crap what other people think about them and their lifestyles.

For one thing, they don’t have to. Nothing rides on their reputations in the office.

This is the beauty of success. No one can fault you for it no matter how you choose to live out your years.

It’s like a golden wrapper, a force field that follows you around wherever you go.

You walk into a restaurant, hotel, resort property – even local liquor store – and there’s a kind of parting of the waves.

It’s something you get used to, which is one reason men who find themselves suddenly without it blow their brains out.

The story here is really about what it’s like to feel validated for everything you ever dreamed of as a little boy.

For young men there is tremendous pressure to amount to something, to achieve.

And as we age we gauge our success by those around us, hoping that we’re still close to the front of the line, relevant, valid.

All older men validate themselves on their achievements whether they admit it or not.

They subconsciously sum up everything to a series of equations and derive a number that determines their relative worth.

And while some men do not base their lives solely on financial success, I don’t know any.

While vicariously living through one’s children is a fallback position, it really sucks to rely on their financial support.

The moral of this story is that life is a food chain no matter how you dice it.

You have to fight for every scrap, and then live to tell a very tall tale that you and people around you can easily quantify.

It is unforgiving, savage, and brutally objective.

This is why reality television focusing on the super rich is so popular, while anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S., affecting 40 million adults…and counting.

Now you know why people beat up on Ronny Wood…and why Daily Mail published it in the first place.

Concluding Remarks and Data Points

1% (2 out of 233) became wealthy before the age of 40
3% (6 out of 233) became wealthy between age 40 and 55
16% (38 out of 233) became wealthy between age 46 and 50
28% (66 out of 233) became wealthy between age 51 and 55
31% (73 out of 233) became wealthy between age 56 and 60
21% (48 out of 233) became wealthy after the age of 60

So yes, Ronnie was one lucky SOB.

Confessions of a Recovering Middle-Age Exercise Addict

Yea, I was there.

Thankfully, I lived to tell the tale.

The following is a true story and the world I describe is an accurate portrayal of addiction in motion.

~~~

While not a standalone DSM-5 disorder, exercise dependence is closely associated with individuals who struggle with eating disorders, for example.

Many use exercise as a way to compensate for binge eating (bulimia nervosa) by tacking on extra activity to compensate for all the empty calories. It’s not like they’re gorging themselves on chicken breasts and broccoli for God’s sake.

Those with anorexia [extreme caloric limitation] use exercise in a compulsive way to control their weight.

Medical complications from exercise dependence are legion: Cardiovascular events like heart attacks and strokes, absence of menstration, stress fractures, osteoporosis and other overuse injuries.

While some don’t suffering clinical eating disorders, they may still engage in compulsive exercise, spending excessive time engaged in physical activity in the name of health – or to ward off uncomfortable feelings – clinical depression high up on the list of usual suspects.

Typically, these individuals feel guilty when they miss a workout and experience signs of withdrawal, like irritability, anxiety, or depression when their exercise schedules are compromised.

In my world [successful middle-aged urban men], this is considered normal and healthy.

I’m joking of course.

The following are the most common signatures of exercise addiction among older men:

1] If I don’t work out all the time I’m going to fall apart like everyone else my age.

2] If I skip a day, I feel like crap…both physically and psychologically.

3] Though I’m in denial, existential pain is a bitch, and working out 5 hours a day is healthier than heroin.

4] I want people to be proud of me, respect me, give me something I can no longer find within myself, like youth.

5] My marriage is falling apart. What do you expect?

6] I may be gay after all…at 40 or 50 or 60 or 70…

7] When people ask me why I’m always at the gym, I tell them “what else do I have to do?” In addiction-speak: My world is devoid of balance.

Okay, you get the point.

So which exercises are most closely associated with addiction?

ANYTHING INVOLVING EXTREME ENDURANCE, LIKE LONG-DISTANCE RUNNING, SWIMMING AND CYCLING.

As everyone in their right mind knows, strength training in combination with flexibility work, cardiovascular conditioning for no more than an hour at a time, combined with a weekly recovery schedule is the healthy way forward for all aging athletes, not 10k runs in 90 degree heat…week after week after week.

And people wonder why most top athletes drop out of Hell Week of SEAL training – and these people are already top athletes in their early 20’s.

I know. Reality is a bitch.

~~~

I used to be one of those people, training 3 hours a day, 7 days a week, and nothing whatsoever to talk about but diet and exercise.

We tend to feed the addiction through camaraderie with other addicts.

In psych circles it’s known as codependency.

But whatever you call it, my little party was about to end.

One week after my 49th birthday, I awoke from a fitful night’s sleep with a raging fever of 102 with extreme inflammation from head to toe.

I knew right away that Tylenol wasn’t going to cut whatever this was, so I dragged myself to a nearby emergency room where I was diagnosed with Rhabdomyolysis [extreme muscle tissue breakdown that results in the release of a protein (myoglobin) into the blood], which can and will damage the kidneys if not contained.

Fortunately for me, I caught it just in time.

After I was stabilized, my personal physician and I had a heart to heart. he told me in no uncertain terms that I had to stay out of the gym for 30 days, get a personal trainer…and, if necessary, see a psychiatrist before it was too late.

I didn’t ask him to elaborate. I didn’t need to.

After a couple of weeks, the inflammation began to subside, but now depression took it’s place.

I felt like I was climbing out of my skin.

In drug addiction parlance, it’s referred to as the DT’s [drug withdrawal tremors].

While the actual symptoms are different, the downward spiral isn’t.

~~~

When I started with my trainer, the first lesson I had to learn was moderation.

This didn’t mean that my training wouldn’t be tough, but that it would take into account every aspect of what it means to be human.

1] I’m no longer 21.

2] Recovery is a critical component of performance.

3] A balanced life is a life well lived.

4] I will never be perfect, nor will anyone else.

5] Life gives and takes, but mostly takes when you don’t respect its boundaries.

~~~

How did this happen to me?

It happened to me the same way it happens to everyone else: Over time exercise becomes a reliable escape from existential pain.

You don’t have to take a pill or go to a therapist or even engage in discussions that lead to that rabbit hole of self awareness.

All you have to do is run, swim, bike, lift…crawl if you have to.

But nothing about extreme athletics is normal for anyone not involved in professional sports; particularly hitting the middle years and beyond.

After pulling through this nightmare myself, while at the same time losing close friends to exercise anorexia, I guess you could say I’m a bit resentful of the denial.

~~~

ARTICLES WORTH READING:

http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/special-issues/athletes/long-distance-runners-high-risk-to-develop-eating-disorder

http://breakingmuscle.com/endurance-sports/endurance-training-is-bad-for-your-heart

http://www.businessinsider.com/is-short-intensity-exercise-better-than-endurance-training-2015-1

I could go on and on and on and on.

But I’ve known junkies who’ve wanted to kill me over a conversation, so for many, this is an exercise in futility.

Why Rich Older Guys Can’t Find the “Right” Women

The reasons men of means have difficulty finding true love has everything to do with them, and nothing whatsoever to do with the relative health of their investment portfolios.

~~~

The following is a conversation between yours truly and one of these men.

By the time you’re half way through it, you’ll understand the dilemma.

“John” is a nom de plume.

JOHN

“I just met this woman who is perfect! Perfect body, nice skin, teeth…and she has a perfect ass. A little flat on top, but I can fix that.”

“Where did you meet her?

JOHN

At a really nice steakhouse. She was at the bar having drinks with a girlfriend.

Is she from here?

JOHN

I think so. She’s in school.

How old is she?

JOHN

So she’s getting a graduate degree or something?

JOHN

I don’t know all of that, but she is really into fitness and wants to workout with me at the club.

I’m sure she does. What does she do for a living? Does she have a job?

JOHN

Yea, she’s in medical sales or something like that. She’s really smart.

I bet.

~~~

So this is how it all starts.

There’s a checklist that runs in the blood.

You’ll notice the same list in 22-year-old men who don’t have resources and children that must withstand their poor life choices.

Such men can ebb and flow with the tides, relatively unscathed.

But when an older man of means gets caught up in what feels like a rip current, it can drag his entire life straight to hell before he has time to repair the damage.

The point is older men of means have a tendency to forget their age and financial station relative to the women they choose to date.

In their minds, they’re still at Stanford, and the women are on a field in front of them carrying lacrosse rackets.

This is the delusion that settles in like virus and hides out in their spinal columns for the duration of their lives.

It’s incurable, but it can be contained.

Unfortunately, containing it is akin to death to many, so it just does what the hell it wants until there’s nothing left to do.

I can’t tell an older man that his choices are ass-backwards. He doesn’t want to hear it.

What he wants to hear is that a beautiful young woman of unknown origin and lifestyle will love him for who he is.

He wants it to all the be same way things were 30 years ago.

This is the psychopathology.

This is also why these men rarely – if ever – find the “right” women.

They don’t exist anymore than the person they were 30 years ago exists.

Now they’re standing at a steakhouse bar in the middle of a massive metropolis, hallucinating.

And who takes advantage of their hallucinations?

You guessed it.

5 Bullet Points of Note

1] Never choose a woman based solely upon her appearance thinking you can fix the rest of it. In her mind, the rest is not broken. You are.

2] If a woman in a steakhouse says she’s in school at 33, she is in class where you’re standing.

3] Your fantasies are public knowledge, which means that the women you meet have your number.

4] Line items are fine, but not particularly practical.

5] Imagine your world without money and then place that template over the women in your sights.

“All Middle-Aged Men Want To Be Thought Of As Cool…”

This statement is thrown around a lot these days, mostly by older women who are sick to death of older men acting like juvenile delinquents.

But I can assure you, I know just as many 40-60-something women who make them look like choir boys.

~~~

Okay, enough with the stereotyping.

It’s boring, mostly because it’s true.

Older men who can afford to “act out” [when I was a kid, they called it “acting up”], do so because they can.

And because they can, they do. Not all, but those who can afford the fallout.

This is how many gold-diggers spot their marks, by the way.

Anyone who can afford to stand out does so for reasons that have pretty much everything to do with the fact that they can do so with impunity.

The same is true of divorced older women who go on jaunts to Cancun with their single – and married – girlfriends only to come back knocked up by teenagers at beach raves.

Understand that, from an actuarial point of view, there is nothing ahead that remotely resembles “I’m getting hotter,” or “Aging is an abstraction.”

It’s in your face and it’s mouth is wide open.

What better to do than go back to a time before all the existential crap laid its wicked hands on you and stick it to time, even if you’re still sticking it to yourself.

Affluent older men [and women] do, in fact, buy sports cars and motorcycles, drug themselves silly, engage in risky sexual encounters, do stupid shit like jump out of airplanes, climb mountains and play with gold-diggers as though they were domesticated animals.

It happens to all of us at some point along the way, when time is slipping so fast you start with the opiates to slow the shit down.

Not to bury the lead here, but it’s obvious by now that both genders play the same game.

Perhaps it could be argued that for men aging is a tougher pill to swallow.

The hunter/predator/drone paradigm only works when the joints are nimble and quick to react.

But women who take on traditionally male roles suffer similar fates as time beats down the doors, wreaking havoc on once vibrant skin, teeth hair, nails and everything else for that matter.

Neither gender fares particularly well where the body is concerned.

The bottom line is this:

Older women want men – within their age demographic – to kick the older man/younger woman habit so they can have a fair shot at settling down with one of them.

And while there are ample studies that suggest older women are just fine being alone or in the company of friends, it is only so when faced with the alternative of an average older man.

This is why we see so many of them revisiting adolescence on Spring Break before finding themselves empty, depressed and alone.

See, men are superficial enough to keep this thing going until the day they die.

Women, on the other hand, can only keep it going long enough to prove a point before moving to Florida, joining a book club, and outliving men by 10 years.

Revenge at last.

[Depending on your point of view].

“Love is a Concept Invented by Poor People…” Seeking Arrangement Founder, Brandon Wade

“By encouraging people to find and negotiate an arrangement, we hope to create modern relationships based on open-mindedness, open communication, brutal honesty and transparent expectations.”

“This is the future of dating.” BW

http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/25/opinion/seeking-arrangement-ceo-on-love/

Ashley reminds me of someone I once dated, also an entrepreneur.

~~~

Now understand something here: The woman posing with Mr. Wade in the above photo would have no problem waltzing right over his dead body if he weren’t filthy rich.

I don’t mean this in any negative way, but Mr. Wade had to make himself valuable in order to earn visibility, which everyone understands and appreciates.

This revelation set him ablaze with passion to acquire the one asset that would act as a carbon credit for whatever he lacked elsewhere.

Next thing you know, he goes meteoric and declares “love is a concept created by the poor!” before heading off to CNN for an interview.

By the way, a rough translation of his statement is If you don’t have money, no one will love you, which is why poor people created it in the first place.

Okay. Whatever. I get it. We get it. Pretty much all of us, really.

Baby Boomers like myself suffer physical attrition after enough water’s under the bridge.

Fortunately, though, many of us are able to leverage money and power against the cost of aging and manage to stay square with the gods.

Now you know why seekingarrangement.com claims 1.9 million subscribers…and climbing.

On a general note, there is absolutely nothing novel about prostitution.

Whether you couch it as “Hey, I just need a little help with college,” or “Hey, want a blowjob?” you’re still hooking.

Having said this, everything these days is relative.

Just how relative depends on the price tag.

The more you spend, the more normal everything seems.

On a related note, most of the women my peers end up with are passed from one older man to the next within their own immediate peer group.

This is because the women in question are known commodities who’ve been properly vetted, and therefore, predictable within reason.

The downside is that there is often a limited supply of such women within certain demographics, which usually triggers bidding wars resulting in some of the best television fodder on the planet.

Affluent 50 to 60-Something Men Still Choose Beauty First

“…all older women hear (and thus believe) that older men are only looking for much younger women. OK, many of them are. But are they getting them? Not really, unless they’re wealthy and powerful. (And I have always believed that it’s good to identify those men and remove them from the 50-something dating pool ASAP; I’m not interested in men like that so move along, men, and good luck!”). Vicki Larson, journalist

I hate to tell you people this, but a simple fact can save you a lot of heartache:

Reasonably attractive, healthy and successful older men have lots of choices when it comes to choosing partners.

Too many, in most cases, which is why so many of them are single or serial monogamists, the emphasis on serial.

~~~

When it gets down to it, money and power are the great equalizers.

Conversely, youth and beauty are also commodities openly traded on the human stock exchange.

Whether you’re young or old, you have different assets to barter, but something is always for sale.

Most of the older successful guys I know have an exacting set of standards they apply to the acquired women in their lives.

These are the very same standards, by the way, they applied to their ex-wives before they divorced them 20 years later.

The fact is successful men prefer to date younger women is because THEY CAN.

Generally speaking, women over the age of 17 are not attracted to youth.

They’re attracted to confidence and power.

Therefore when a beautiful woman in her 20s or 30s meets a man who is in his 50s, with the world in the palm of his hands, it’s sexy and alluring to her.

His age becomes irrelevant.

Walk into any upscale restaurant or bar and what you will see are drop-dead gorgeous women accompanying successful older men.

These women were not forced at gunpoint, believe me.

To many men I know, it’s almost irrelevant whether these women are truly in love with them or merely out to make better lives for themselves.

It matters that they are in the company of a beautiful, intelligent and uncomplicated young woman.

The rest they leave to a suspension of disbelief.

She is everything their wives once were before time took its pound of flesh and soul.

No wonder so many middle aged women without much to leverage scream and yell about all of this.

But put them in the position to do what these young women are doing and you wouldn’t hear a peep.

The fact is average men and women receive average returns, and exceptional beauty and youth will always win out where successful older men are concerned.

Is it fair?

No.

But pretending that “real men” don’t want younger women is delusion. That they want an equal is naive at best, disastrous at worst.

According to one NYC matchmaker, this is the normal course of things:

“I recently had a 78-year-old client who wouldn’t even consider a woman older than 50. If you are 25 years old as you are reading this, let me put this in perspective: That would be like dating a 55-year-old.

That brings me to why I can’t take on women as clients; and no, misogyny has nothing to do with it. In this tough singles market, if a man pays top dollar for a matchmaker, he expects nothing less than a 29-year-old model. As a result, I cannot find a husband for a 47-year-old schoolteacher with two kids and three mortgages.”

So where do relatively pretty, average 40-plus women find men of means?

They don’t.

What they can and do find are men of equal value, which is not a particularly palatable prospect for most.

My recommendation to such women:

1] Join a book club.

2] Enroll in a continuing education class at a local college.

3] Attend art openings.

4] Get out of the house – maximize exposure.

5] Go back to therapy.

Nature is neither kind nor compassionate, but the good news is that there are exceptions to every rule.

Just not very many.

Male Sex Appeal vs the Aging Demon

Alessandro Manfredini, Model

Ask most women to name an age when men start losing their sex appeal and most would say 39-40.

What would you pick?

The consensus from pop culture and social science seem to agree that 40 is the line in the sand when men start to become “invisible” to opposite-sex potential partners, and especially to younger ones.

But how young?

Most teens don’t look at men over the age of 25, so it’s all relative.

British Crown in Manchester, a hair transplantation clinic, paid for a study started all this crap.

It’s findings were that men 39 or older are more likely to be identified by women as a “father figure” than a “sex symbol.”

In my world, that’s considered advanced adolescence.

Needless to say, the clinic had an agenda in mind.

Since most men lose hair along with color, we need to book an appointment at our earliest possible convenience in order to avoid suicidal tendencies.

The web is littered with this ridiculous “study,” mostly because no one else has bothered to commission a legitimate one.

What I have found through personal experience is that women consider “ideal” and “perfectly acceptable” to be the same things.

Again, I’m not talking about teens. Their objectivity is palpable. But they can afford it, so there’s that.

For everyone else, here’s what women I know cite as critical to a man’s enduring sex appeal:

1] Maintaining Your Hair, no matter how much – or how little – of it you may have.

So, in other words, get a decent haircut and let the gray do its thing.

http://metro.co.uk/2015/02/17/10-reasons-grey-haired-men-are-hot-5065945/

The alternative is to shave your head, which many women like, but only if the head in question does not resemble an egg.

If it does, you’re screwed.

2] Stay Fit and Healthy

I don’t know anyone my age who doesn’t stay fit, no matter what their hair looks like.

3] Take Care of Your Teeth

Most men I know have straighter, whiter teeth than they did at 25, real or fake.

4] Chill & Stay Confident

The men my age who’ve done well in life tend to be confident.

Thus, successful men are attractive to women at pretty much any age.

~~~

SUMMARY

All of these “studies” are complete bullshit.

They play out in abstraction, not reality.

In reality, where the rest of us reside, young men attract women because they are physically flawless and ripe with potential.

Older men, on the other hand, attract women because of their level of success and the maturity and confidence that comes along with it.

People say a lot of things from a distance, but in the end, women see with their ears.

And yes, nice neighborhoods do sound pretty damn good to most of them.

Testosterone Replacement Therapy for Baby Boomers as Common as Flu Shots

Take a look at Mel Gibson in the above photo.

Notice the vascular character of his arms, veins running like ship rope over rock.

This look is not uncommon for men in their 20’s [with testosterone levels well north of 1000], but it is impossible for 60-year-old men with levels in the 300-400 range, which is pretty much all of us, plus or minus a few.

The only exceptions I have ever seen [and remember folks, I photographed national fitness magazine covers and editorials for 10 years of my career], are men who took steroids early on in their careers and built the framework for what we now see.

Without the drugs, there would be no “framework’ to speak of.

After a while, you can spot users a mile off.

But what’s really interesting about all of this is that taking testosterone is becoming so commonplace that I can envision supermarkets like Kroger offering weekly injections along with flu shots, because like the flu, aging sucks and in many cases leads to death.

~~~

Here’s the hook most commonly used to encourage testosterone use:

Anybody, regardless of occupation, can receive testosterone replacement therapy if he experiences symptoms of Low-T.

Please read the above statement carefully.

It says, “if he experiences symptoms of Low-T,” not “if he has Low-T.”

In other words, no blood test necessary.

There is a difference between feeling more fatigued at 60 than you did at 20. It’s called nature, which is more an annoyance than anything else, and therefore testosterone supplementation is a perfectly rational course of action…like recommending 30 minutes a day on a treadmill for diabetics.

I have many friends who self-administer weekly testosterone injections. Others opt for patches, pills and other delivery systems, but injections seem to be the most preferred method.

When asked what they “take” [because it’s so damn obvious], most claim to be “all natural.”

What this actually means is that they are taking “bio-identical” testosterone, manufactured in labs to mimic testosterone produced by the human body.

The interesting news is that because testosterone use has become so commonplace, most people just say “I’m taking 1cc a week of testosterone, so nothing really.”

I know that many of you don’t believe a word of this. Why would you?

You live in a world where people go to work, raise families, play golf and fade in ways designed by nature.

You accept the fact that you don’t look the way you did 30 years ago.

You try to eat right, exercise when you can and pray you don’t drop dead before your 60th birthday.

This is normal.

Most people don’t expect life to go on and on the way it used to…until now.

~~~

I have a good friend who is on an elaborate “supplement cocktail,” which has led to explosive mass and strength.

He knows the risks, but in his mind the rewards far outweigh them.

I don’t judge him. We all live our lives the way we choose, and as long as we treat one another with dignity and respect, I support him in any way I can.

If he were using heroin, I would do the same.

In the end, the litany of potential side-effects fade along with the side-effects from taking a daily aspirin.

The rationale is that life is dangerous, but that shouldn’t stop any of us from living it.

Using this rationale, testosterone use is relative, like getting out of bed.

~~~

Target Consumers of Testosterone Replacement Therapy:

1] People in law enforcement.

2] Affluent older men with the financial resources available to offset the cost of “aging gracefully.”

3] Young men and women in professional athletics.

4] Bullied young men who seek revenge against their tormentors.

5] People who have unnaturally low testosterone levels as measured by several blood tests.

How Not to Keep a Good Man Down.

What I’m about to tell you cuts a deep swath between what you were and what many of you are becoming.

Most men don’t have the balls to say [out loud] any of what I’m about to tell you, but saying it is the only way to help catalyze change in what’s often a foot-dragging passage into twilight.

Buckle up.

~~~

Over these past decades I’ve learned a few things about being a man that weigh on all of us after enough water’s under the bridge.

The first is the personal assessment quiz, where we sum up all of our perceived accomplishments and hope that our backstories are sellable on the open market.

I say ‘open market’ because unless you live in a vacuum, you have an audience that determines your viability. I know. This sounds like every psychiatrist’s worst nightmare, but it’s still true.

We live in a society filled with people, not open land filled with livestock.

Remember, this is a blog about urban life, not rural isolationism.

In this world, our world, we need to matter. Some call it relevance. And while many claim this to be an exercise in pure nihilism and self-destruction, it’s critical to our emotional well being that we see our lives as having been well spent.

The resulting self-esteem becomes our fuel, our motivation to go on long after the glory years of imagined immortality and endless promise have passed.

But let me reiterate that we must pass muster with the world around us before we get the fuel. We can’t just fantasize it into being.

The world around us is a cold, objective force. It sees us as fully formed entities, each with a script in our hands that we read to ourselves before closing our eyes at night, hoping our dreams don’t contradict the plot lines.

Appreciating the gravity of this is an essential part of maintaining dignity no matter how much you try to ignore or deny it.

Okay, so let’s say we’re happy with what we’ve done with our lives up to this juncture. We have financial security and we’re proud of what we’ve done.

Great.

Now what?

Now we have to figure out how to maintain what we’ve built so it doesn’t all come crashing down on top of us.

I’m talking about our physical health, and more specifically, our physical being; how we see ourselves relative to those around us, no matter what their age.

Like everything else in my life, I need to feel in possession of myself physically, to be physically strong, in control, and able to defend myself.

I’m sure that more than a few of you reading this will wonder why men our age [Baby Boomers] should give a crap about what sounds like an older man’s delusions of grandeur, but I don’t know any of you.

The men I do know care. A lot. They don’t want to be walked all over like party confetti. They live with purpose and dignity.

And while a few engage in endurance sports, especially anorexics, who swap one addiction for another, the answer lies in the weight room. Yes, being a man means lifting heavy weight. I know I know. I’m a superficial jackass who has no idea what brings true fulfillment to anyone but myself, but you’re still dead wrong.

Many of the men I’m around are luminaries in their respective fields, ranging in age from late 40’s to early 80’s. But one thing they share is a desire to build and/or maintain physical strength. In other words, no matter what they’ve done, if they’re wasting away it’s irrelevant. Soon, self esteem will erode away all that they’ve built, and they’ll end up dead long before you read about them in the obituaries.

This brings to mind a guy in my gym in his early 80’s who is not only a celebrated surgeon, but a world champion masters power lifter.

You think he feels irrelevant?

The respect he receives from people around him is palpable.

My motto: Be strong, live well.

Our personal lives are the final cog in our wheels of fortune. While I cannot pretend to speak for gay men and their relationships, I do know a thing or two about living with women, which is kind of like living with an extraterrestrial biological life form, identical human DNA, notwithstanding.

Like #1 and #2, how we feel in the context of our relationships is inextricably tied to how we feel as men.

The first thing we men know about ourselves is that our egos are fragile, particularly when we feel vulnerable. Thus, we need our masculinity validated daily. We need to feel loved; we need to feel attractive; and we need to feel capable.

That’s a lot of need, but miss an ounce of it at your peril.

Memorize this list so you don’t lose it:

A] Admire Us.

Compliment us on the things we’re good at and our physical qualities. Beat on us and we’ll stop making the house payments.

B] Brag on Us

The first time I heard a woman complaining about her husband’s “many” shortfalls, I suggested he leave her. In my mind, she breached the trust and left him out to dry.

C] Ask For Our Help

Ask us to show you how to do something or to give you advice on a tough situation. We’ll be more than happy to show you, believe me.

D] Never, Ever Cut Us Down No Matter What.

Make you man feel like an idiot and he will show you the door. Men have massive egos. Why this is I don’t know, but suspect it has something to do with having to kill things so the rest of his primordial family didn’t starve to death.

Never, ever discredit us or make snide comments about our appearance, abilities or performances, particularly around others.

E] Learn How to Listen.

Men may not be as talkative as women are, but we still have things to say and emotions to vent or bad days we want to discuss. While we’re more about fixing things than just talking for the sake of being heard, sometimes we like being heard so we can justify fixing things.

F] Respect Us.

Respect builds the foundation of our relationships. Without it, we will look for it elsewhere, believe me. Incessant nagging comes to mind. It’s like rat poison for human relationships.

G] Believe In Us

We want the women in our lives to be our biggest cheerleaders. We’ll do anything for someone who believes in us. Even if what we try to do doesn’t succeed by someone else’s standards, the fact that we gave it our best shot deserves praise and love.

H] Do Little Things For Us

Whether you leave a love note somewhere we’ll find it, stuff an Oreo under our pillow…or just wear something that we can’t seem to live without, JUST DO IT!

FINAL THOUGHTS

As men get older it’s even more important to affirm us. First, because we are no longer 25. Second, because no matter what we act like, we’re no longer in college and running track for NYU.

Of course, back then we were flat broke, our trust factor was zero, and and our apartments resembled the wolf dens you see at natural science museums across the country.

As women who’ve spent your fair share of time with men, you already know all these things.

This is just a reminder.

November 2024
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